Looking for suggestions to improve the "magic chore chart"

[formflier]

So... .our kids do chores in our house, it seems kinda random.  Mostly when I or my wife want something done... we find something and someone and force the issue at the moment.

My wife has been making the same "chore chart" for a couple years... .and insists that "she made the chart"... ."so it's their problem" if something doesn't get done.

Modifications don't seem possible and (as you guys know) "agreements" with her are not a wise thing.

I'm trying to figure out a way to improve chores and accountability for that... without WWIII breaking out.


Trying to create accountability seems to trigger something in her from her childhood and I (and everyone else) gets to listen to the same horrible story from her childhood... .for the 1 millionth time.

Then... .if we try to refocus on a "now solution"... .we don't care.  If we validate or ask... .or try to deal with the childhood trauma... it goes on forever... .nothing solved and chore chart accountability never happens.

The trauma:  Her Mom would make her and her siblings clean until her Mom "was satisfied".  Her solution is that kids need to know "exactly" what to do... .and nothing else can be added... ."so they will know when it's going to be over"

So... .we've done that... they know... .and they usually don't do.  Then wife wants to "give them grace"... .up util the point where something pisses her off... and the flamethrower comes on.

So... the flamethrower has been avoided for a long time... because I don't engage... .but not engaging means chores don't get done.

Now... .catch me at home alone with kids.  Stuff will get done... .but if my wife is around... .she will sabotage or "rescue" kids... likely from her childhood trauma.

Soo... .making this better when she is around?

FF

[BetterLanes]

Hi Formflier,

A couple of suggestions from someone whose kid doesn't do chores at all yet, I should get started on that soon

Does the chore chart rotate, so with a different person being responsible for chore X on day Y (or week Z)? In shared houses at university we tried this system, but it didn't work as well as having each person be responsible for a particular chore or area all of the time. Things typically got done more often with the latter system, and you couldn't make excuses that "I was so busy in week Z (when I happened to have my least favourite chore)". You can pick the most suitable or relevant area for each person - my H was responsible for the bathroom because he hated dirty bathrooms, and I was responsible for the kitchen because I cooked the most, and the med student was responsible for the charming because that won't kill anybody if it doesn't get done that often. So if you have a rotating chart and it isn't working you could try this idea as an alternative.

Also, do you have positive rewards for chores? Something like a small financial per chore reward or a points system building up to a larger reward? Like a kids' star sticker chart only for older kids and grownups. I know members of a household "should" do chores to contribute, etc, but frankly so many of the things I do are done because I "should" and to avoid negative consequences, it would annoy me to create a system for my D that works that way. It may be your wife will object to the idea of rewards on principle, I think my H probably would. But if she agrees, it could also be a way to get her to let the kids complete their chores themselves so they can earn the rewards.

As already mentioned this is only theory but it's a couple of ideas you could think about, so I hope that helps,

BetterLanes

[RolandOfEld]

Hi ff,

How do things get done when your wife is not home? What's your approach? Your wife clearly has issues making changes to the chart, but does she care how you motivate the kids to do what she's written? Please also remind me as to their ages.

I agree with BetterLanes reward approach. "Points" and high-fives are doing well to motive S5 to do things these days. I'll even suggest taking it further and throwing in some gamification, putting them against each other for points. When they are little I think it's about getting things done; I try to teach them about responsibility and owning the work but I think this will come in more when they are older.

~ROE

[formflier]

Thanks for the suggestions... yes there have been rewards and consequences... .there is zero chance I can adequately describe them here... .other than to say whatever the method was haphazard. 

I haven't tried to engage in anyway whatsoever in 8 or 9 months. 

It appears that now my wife has "time on her hands" she is "fixing" things by "making announcements" and charts and that most likely she will "evaluate" that in a week or so people have "failed to follow" her chart and doom will descend.

She sent me an email trying to change the laundry procedure (control me) and I offered to discuss it and come up with a compromise where we both change some of our ideas (I defined compromise) and asked her if she was ready to meet and do that.

She didn't respond.

I guess what I'm asking here is if there are ideas on how to improve "work flow" in the home... when the "issue" with work flow is on outgrowth of BPD symptoms.

It likely doesn't help that I'm in the middle of my MBA program and have extensively studied operations management (continual improvement... etc etc) and my wife can write the book on how to sabotage a factory, business... .or home chore chart.

So... ."process improvement" was one of my favorite things about being a Navy Commanding Officer and local government executive after that.  Not in the sense that I got to tell people what to do (when that happened... .I considered it a "failure of leadership" on my part).  My leadership style is to empower my people to make their own decisions and "own" the consequences and "be rewarded" for their success.

If people aren't "team players"... .I would use my power to get them off the team... .assuming they would "reform".

So... .my wife isn't a team player and likely see's kids being independent as some threat and when I've "tried my style" before she will sabotage and talk down on their solutions, vice let them struggle with finding a better way.

So... .in the interest of reducing conflict and the "temperature" in the home, I've kinda disengaged from this area and the "quality" of the home and chores and cleanliness have declined... dramatically.

Please keep the ideas coming.

FF

[40days_in_desert]

formflier,

Your situation sounds a lot like mine when my ex and I were still together. I wanted to provide consistency in our children's lives because that would be what gives a child at being successful in a career, relationship and life in general. My ex could come up with the best chore charts in the world. Ones people would pay for and proudly display in their homes. The problem was her sticking with it longer than a few days. Like you, I got all of our children to pitch in and complete all household chores when she was gone from the house for whatever reason. My issue was that I over compensated for her lack of consistency with being too rigid. I see that you're former military and most likely spent quite a few years serving (Thank you for your service). Having been raised by a Marine (gunny sarge) who was raised by a Marine, rigidity was a way of life. This may not be the case with you but my suggestion is to see if you feel that some of your expectations or way of doing things are too rigid. Like many people in long term relationships with pwBPD, you've probably tried many different things many different ways and still hit a dead end.
What I ended up doing was gravitating to doing things her way because it seemed to create less drama. Later, that turned into a way for her to blame me for things not getting done.

[formflier]

 
What I ended up doing was gravitating to doing things her way because it seemed to create less drama. Later, that turned into a way for her to blame me for things not getting done.

This is how it is and has worked out.  

It appears she is putting more effort into the chart... and less effort into "enforcement".  So... the gap between the two is growing, due to her actions.

A bit over 20 years... Naval Aviation.  I'm sure I have a rigid streak in  me... .but right now the family is way less than 50% rigid.  Way less.

With rigidity comes results... .pwBPD say results matter and then sabotage those.

FF

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi,
I have a 5 year old son, and love household cleaning and organizing tricks... .I am not naturally born with keeping up with the housework, because my mom didn’t, but I wanted to share an amazing system I’ve worked on for years. It’s great. If even has a “control journal”, ! The website is flylady.net. The guru is Marla Cilley. She lives in the North Carolina mountains and fly fishes, so when she started this, she called it flying... .made up the acronym Finally Loving Yourself... .FLY! www.flylady.net/

Anyway, the control journal sits on the counter and is a way to communicate, make chore lists, etc.

Here’s a gem... .there’s a Kids Control Journal! It’s called
The student journal. Here’s a link to her journals. They’re free. Just print and put in a notebook. www.flylady.net/d/control-journals/

Marla is often on the radio and on Facebook, that’s a good “excuse”to say where you found this. It’s a ton of planning and “control”, yet fairly simple and broken down into games and small steps. Maybe she’ll like it? Sounds win-win to me... .she gets to control and plan chores, it’s more fun, and a re-boot, a fresh system, like a new car!

Ok... .seriously... .best wishes! Your situation sounds hard.
Dig

[Fian]

Two approaches to consider:

1.   Carrot approach:
Base their allowance on how much of chores they complete.  If they aren't doing chores, they don't get an allowance.  That was all the motivation I personally needed to do chores.

2.  Nuclear approach:
Nons normally try and maintain peace in a home with BPD avoiding confrontation.  But some battles are worth fighting.  It is up to you whether this one falls in that category.  If it is a battle worth fighting, first meet with wife and explain that you want her out of chore management, you will handle it entirely.  Explain that she has sabotaged previous efforts by repeating her personal story each time, and the end result is chores don't get done.  Then meet with kids without her and put the rules down as you see fit.  If your wife pushes back, you are the head of the home and she needs to respect that (based on what your church teaches).

[formflier]

  If your wife pushes back, you are the head of the home and she needs to respect that (based on what your church teaches).

Yeah... .let's put this under "this just in".

I'm hanging out in my bedroom and my wife has gathered the kids and is barking at them about Biblical truth... etc etc.

She asked me to come pray with the family and I refused until we both consider ourselves reconciled.  Note:  My guess is she was wanting another "public trial" of Daddy where she can pray I come to God... become a Christian... repent and all that.

I won't be part of that.

Back to the chore chart.  I think I'll try to consider the carrot approach.  I really don't have the physical and emotional strength to be nuclear right now.

FF