Could use advice re: activities

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Where to start... .

I could use some feedback.  I'm not sure how to proceed.

ExH has a track record (back to 2015) of signing up children for activities in violation of parenting plan - e.g. on their time with me, without my agreement.  I have written emails with my attorney's advice to state e.g. I prefer we follow the parenting plan and we agree to activities blah blah.  My L also then, after it happened a few times, sent a letter to exH L. 

Now he's done it again, last fall.  I disagreed with the sport league he signed D9 up for many reasons, including it's expensive and involves out-of-town travel, they have games on e.g.  Mother's Day (the whole weekend) (not Father's Day of course), it's competitive and she's young, they teach "aggression" (yes, they use that word over and over), and now two new reasons:  they benched my D9 during the championship games because "her skills" aren't good enough, and because the coach cheated during the year (something about where they stood during the game) and was finally caught in the last championship game and the team forfeited because of it.  Also, this was the first school year I was going to be home in the evenings and I talked to my kids about how great it would be that we could sit down as a family and have dinner together (I've been in graduate school and the class scheduled prevented me from being home).  All around, I do not agree with this league. 

I let her go initially because exH was willing to trade the time with me so I didn't lose parenting time with D9, and because he sent me emails that he would tell D9 I am the reason she can't be with her friends and play the sport she's dreaming of, and wants to be a professional athlete in.  Yep, I have it in writing.  I told him I don't agree, etc.  He snuck her to tryouts in the winter and she made a new team, more competitive.  He then refused to trade time with me.  He takes her to the sport, or arranges a carpool. 

My L advised me to file for mediation, which is the avenue for resolving things in our parenting plan.  So I did in early February.

The mediator's office is busy and didn't get back to me in a timely manner.  ExH also dragged it out.  We had a date set in May, he cancelled.  Now he won't agree to mediation at all.  He says because I've let her go this many months, I don't have an issue.

I told him he could pick her up 1/2 hour early to take her to her sport this summer.  Then the next day he said he won't mediate ever at all with this issue.  So today I said forget it, you can't pick her up 1/2 hour early.  He did anyway.  i wasn't going to make a scene, and so let her go.  He said I have to let him pick her up early because I said I agreed to it.  I think I can renege because when I agreed I thought we were going to mediation.  Anyone have feedback on this?

My L doesn't feel helpful but I know it's a difficult situation. 

Advice? 

[Ulysses]

Where to start... .

I could use some feedback.  I'm not sure how to proceed.

ExH has a track record (back to 2015) of signing up children for activities in violation of parenting plan - e.g. on their time with me, without my agreement.  I have written emails with my attorney's advice to state e.g. I prefer we follow the parenting plan and we agree to activities blah blah.  My L also then, after it happened a few times, sent a letter to exH L. 

Now he's done it again, last fall.  I disagreed with the sport league he signed D9 up for many reasons, including it's expensive and involves out-of-town travel, they have games on e.g.  Mother's Day (the whole weekend) (not Father's Day of course), it's competitive and she's young, they teach "aggression" (yes, they use that word over and over), and now two new reasons:  they benched my D9 during the championship games because "her skills" aren't good enough, and because the coach cheated during the year (something about where they stood during the game) and was finally caught in the last championship game and the team forfeited because of it.  Also, this was the first school year I was going to be home in the evenings and I talked to my kids about how great it would be that we could sit down as a family and have dinner together (I've been in graduate school and the class scheduled prevented me from being home).  All around, I do not agree with this league. 

I let her go initially because exH was willing to trade the time with me so I didn't lose parenting time with D9, and because he sent me emails that he would tell D9 I am the reason she can't be with her friends and play the sport she's dreaming of, and wants to be a professional athlete in.  Yep, I have it in writing.  I told him I don't agree, etc.  He snuck her to tryouts in the winter and she made a new team, more competitive.  He then refused to trade time with me.  He takes her to the sport, or arranges a carpool. 

My L advised me to file for mediation, which is the avenue for resolving things in our parenting plan.  So I did in early February.

The mediator's office is busy and didn't get back to me in a timely manner.  ExH also dragged it out.  We had a date set in May, he cancelled.  Now he won't agree to mediation at all.  He says because I've let her go this many months, I don't have an issue.

I told him he could pick her up 1/2 hour early to take her to her sport this summer.  Then the next day he said he won't mediate ever at all with this issue.  So today I said forget it, you can't pick her up 1/2 hour early.  He did anyway.  i wasn't going to make a scene, and so let her go.  He said I have to let him pick her up early because I said I agreed to it.  I think I can renege because when I agreed I thought we were going to mediation.  Anyone have feedback on this?

My L doesn't feel helpful but I know it's a difficult situation. 

Advice? 

[Nope]

Once mediation fails, which it clearly has, is the next step going to court. Does the parenting plan have any remedies written into it? Such as if he's found in contempt he must pay all court and attorney fees? If that's not in there, it should be.

Unfortunately, this will not stop unless a court makes him stop. But you have to also be prepared that a judge could side with him that it's in her best interests to continue the sport if it's what she truly wants to do. But even if that were to happen, one would think you could ask for specific makeup time if you can prove that your time with D is being unfairly infringed upon.

[Ulysses]

Well, Nope, I think our plan says court is the next step.  We each pay our own attorney's fees and court costs regardless of the outcome. 

My L also says it won't stop until a court makes him stop.  It's been going on for a few years.  I have tried to handle it in less confrontational ways and tried to keep my children's best interest in mind.

Here's the thing - he talks to the kid(s) before he talks to me.  He's a great manipulator (he's an attorney) and paints a beautiful picture for the children of whatever it is he wants them to do.  They then want to do it.  Then they tell me and he tells me he's signed them up for it because they really want to do it.  So I'm cut out of the picture and if I disagree, he tells me he will tell the children they can't do their fun thing because I won't let them.  He has also stated in emails things like, well, their dad loves them enough to know what they want and to support them in their interests (unlike their mom).  It's sick to me.

I realize I could lose in court, and it seems weird since our parenting plan specifically states we agree on activities for the children.  I have not pursued activities I wanted them to do, and they wanted to continue, because he disagreed. 

I don't know if a judge would say it's in her best interest to do the sport.  I don't think it is with the team she's on.  I just feel quite stuck and have been trying to act in my D9's best interest, and feel like I should have been hard-nosed and said no to the activity I didn't agree with, and let exH go ahead and badmouth me to my D9.  It's all very frustrating. 

[BeagleGirl]

Ulysses,
I'm so sorry you are put in this position.  It's horrible when a parent is willing to use children in power plays. 

How long until this season ends? 

It's really hard to undo/counter what your ex has done without putting your D9 "in the middle".  About the only thing I can think of that might work in the short term is to deny your ex the ability to cut into your parenting time.  I would suggest not being at the designated hand-off location until the scheduled time.  If it's your house, then take D9 to a park or somewhere else until it's time for her to be picked up.  He can show up as early as he wants, but that keeps him from making a scene and taking her early.

I would invest some time into coming up with a way to communicate to D9 that you are supportive of her interests and participation in the sport she loves, but that you are working to keep it in balance with her other activities and in an environment that reflects your value for integrity and good sportsmanship.  I think it would be appropriate to be honest that you and her dad are struggling to come to an agreement on what that looks like and may be seeking outside input that you will both agree to abide by. 

Unfortunately your ex may not follow the agreement, even after a court tells him to.  That's why it's important to have consequences for non-compliance that don't require that you continually go to court.  This could be something to discuss with your L.  Can the agreement be modified to designate that non-compliance would result in loss of parenting time or something else that your ex values?  It would be great if the penalty applied not only for signing her up for something without your consent, but also for discussing a potential activity with D9 before you have agreed.

Let us know how things go.

[Ulysses]

Hey BeagleGirl,

The season ends at the end of July (Feb-July).  I agreed to let her go while telling exH I didn't agree with how he signed her up without agreement, and pursued  mediation.  I agreed to let him pick her up 1/2 early and then the next day he refused to do mediation.

I've talked to my daughter about how it's important to me that she and I be able to spend time together, and also with her brother, and that it's also important for me that she get to do activities she wants to do, that are positive, etc.  This summer that has translated to me telling her she might not go to her sport every practice.  We have family things going on, and next summer my son may get significant surgery that has a weeks-long recovery, which would limit our family activities.

I feel rather caught between being a cheerleader and "yes-man" for things I don't agree with, and breaking her heart/being an ogre of a parent.  It doesn't help that exH threatens to tel her how "awful" I am.  I also don't want to undermine her coach and the program she's in.  I think that could put her in an awkward position.  But I find I really don't agree with it.  I've been thinking a lot about it, and I think it's ok if I talk to her about what you mentioned - e.g. sportsmanship.  Her coach's foul that lost the game is excused as a "technicality" by her teammates.  I talked to her about rules are rules, etc., and that her coach did it all season, and parents on other teams complained about it.  I think this is a continuing conversation.  Her dad went through a phase where he was breaking safety rules with her when she was 5 and 6, and the school counselor gave me some good suggestions about addressing rules and safety with her. 

I also thought about not being here at the early pick-up time.  With the monstrous traffic in my city, it is easy enough to get stuck in it in the afternoons.  Feels passive-aggressive and I'm not sure about it.

Your post really helped me think about things.  I appreciate it.  I have been dealing with this since the fall, when he first did this.  Sometimes it feels like a Gordian knot with no solution, which I know is not the reality.  There may be no solution that is perfect, but there's always a way to approach it or a new way to view it.

[livednlearned]

With how fast things go in court, and how reluctant judges are to solve what they might perceive as a family matter, I wonder if it's better to come in with a proposed solution. I would also worry that you are swimming against the tide a bit, because he's an involved dad and court (in my experience) sees less of that. Plus, courts seem inclined to offer hand slaps for things that don't impact the kids directly.

What if you ask to modify the order so that any time dad's pre-arranged kids' activities take place on your time, you by default can claim that time off his custodial time. So if he organizes activities your weeks that take up .40 of the time you get that week, then you add .40 to your time.

"The activity that you signed D9 up for chipped into 4 hours of my time with her.  Per the court order, I will drop the kids off at your place at 7pm on Monday instead of 3pm."

That's the only solution I can think of. There may be others.

The downside is that any event you propose, he will use the order against you 

[ForeverDad]

Do you have documentation of the activities he nixed and you felt you had to drop?  If you can document that, then his "my ideas are for the kids" is weakened since "my activity ideas are better than yours".  Perhaps the History would have some weight where the court would state, however passively, that your activity ideas have been sabotaged and no longer ought to be opposed.

[Ulysses]

Thank you for the replies.  LnL, yes, that's a great suggestion to make sure I have a solution to propose.  I had been trading time with him in December due to Christmas and the way things fell this year, I only had weekdays and one weekend with my children before the 25th (and that one weekend I had to work both days).  But then after the new year he said he wouldn't trade time.

Forever Dad, I do have instances where he nixed my ideas for activities.  I'll make sure to have those ready.  At the time, it was really disappointing to me but I didn't just take my kids anyway, and I didn't tell them their dad didn't love them, etc.  Early on, when we were getting divorced, I asked if he could take our S (then about 11 or 12) to Boy Scouts, which met on the evening he was with me.  He refused to take him unless I would change the parenting plan to switch days, which I wouldn't because my evening activities (work as a musician) almost always fell on the days they were with him - we worked it out that way on purpose.  This is a different situation, but all around, activities have been weird.  Like, an avenue for control or nastiness or something.

One update is yesterday he (or his wife) sent me an email stating he is willing to mediate.  And that he wants to pick up my D9 early 2-3 days/week (the weekdays she's with me) to take to practice.  My head is spinning with the 180 and I plan to respond in a couple of days, when my kids are not with me and I have time to prepare a response.  I think I will go with what my L suggested last week, when exH refused to mediate, which is prepare a careful response outlining my objections, ask the mediator if they will schedule with only one party willing to mediate (obviously this is changed now), and if he won't mediate, file contempt of court.  My objection is not only to this particular activity, but also to him signing her up for activities without my consent.  I don't think he understands that's my complaint.  I wish things were different.

[livednlearned]

Do you have a list of the times he has done this and the impact it has had on you, your relationship with the kids, the impact on them? It might be good to put some numbers to this.

I would worry that "he signs the kids up for activities without my consent" misses the pattern of behavior in which he steam rolls over you as a parent.

My ex used to say that I made unilateral decisions. That was his big beef in court. My L would ask him to describe the ways in which I made unilateral decisions, and he would mention one or two things.

We had to go in and itemize the times I tried to get him to consent to things, and how challenging it was for me to get anything done.

My L had me itemize the issues, and in one instance, had me count the number of emails I sent trying to plead or persuade ex to do something. She read through the items, the number of emails sent for each item, the nature of the issue, that kind of thing. Then she summarized by saying that in not one of those issues, all to do with our child's well-being, did ex help resolve the issue.

That was the first time she used the word stonewalling and it hit my brain like a bomb. I hadn't had a word to describe what it was.

If she had gotten up and said, "This guy stonewalls my client so she has no choice but to make decisions for son's welfare," the impact would've been much less. Even I was surprised to hear the evidence when it was pulled together like that.

My L was a particularly good litigator.

[ForeverDad]

One or two behaviors may not rise to the level of being 'actionable'.  Court has a policy, or seems to, of looking at each incident individually and one by one discount them as not rising to the level of being actionable.  You risk having the court or mediator conclude, "nothing left".  One way to address this possibility is to demonstrate a pattern of behaviors that together document a sufficiently serious lack of cooperation, even obstruction.

I guess what I'm trying to explain is that a list of poor behaviors means less than also describing them as a continuing pattern.

[Ulysses]

Thank you for the discussion and replies.  I feel conflicted now.  My L has advised me repeatedly since February to pursue mediation and be assertive about this issue. Forever Dad, I think he has established a pattern of behavior that is continuing.  LnL, I think it's challenging to objectively state the impact his actions have on m relationship with my children.  It feels nebulous.  For instance, last fall when he signed up D9 for tryouts without telling me, she became closed off to me.  It's hard to describe.  Some things I noticed were e.g. when I called her on the phone while she was at her dad's house, she would only utter one-word responses "yes," "no" and would not engage in conversation with me.  She also was withdrawn at home with me.  She missed therapy appointments at that time, and when she started again I described to the therapist what behavior I was seeing, and that I didn't understand why, and what could I do to engage her and support her?  D9 became more open after therapy sessions, and then when I figured out exH had signed her up for the sport, things became more understandable in my mind.  But how, exactly, can that be quantified?  It could be considered just my perception, etc.  I'll have to think about this more.  As for other impact, certainly it has had some.  Missing dinner and family time, missing time with her grandmother (my mom) being so exhausted that on the weekends this winter she was sleeping 10-12 hours/night and taking naps for a few weeks in a row, her grades in math slipped, although I only have one test that shows that and I can't find it, etc.  Oh, and not completing homework and lying to me and to her teacher about it.  Yikes.  I understand what situation she is in and when this came to light I did not come down hard on her, but rather talked to her in a supportive way, etc.  This is a ton of work and sometimes I just want to let it ride.  But I don't think that's in my kids' best interest.  This team and coach leave me with unsettled feelings and there are so many other teams available in our area that I think if we work together we can find one that takes a more positive approach to teaching sports. 

[Ulysses]

Thank you again for the discussion.  Writing things out really helps me. I have been avoiding this because it is emotionally difficult.  It's valuable to have other people contribute with their experience.  And to feel the support when things are tough.  Yesterday I took my D9 to her sport practice.  I let her dad know so he could pick her up there.  His response was pretty negative about me, and if I'd cared more it would have hurt.  Reading about others' experiences on these boards with emails that include personal attacks definitely helped me not internalize his words. 

[livednlearned]

It is not nebulous when your custodial order is being constantly changed because he unilaterally signs the kids up for activities during your time.

By impact, I meant describing the pattern of behavior in quantitative terms, just organizing it so that the pattern is clear. Sometimes it helps take the nuttery out of what turns into second-guessing ourselves, to make it easier for others to understand in what way we (and by extension, court + the court order) is being steam rollered.

You deserve to have the order be the order. You paid for it, and it should work.

Mediation may entail him saying "ok gotcha" and then he slides back into old ways.

That's why having a proposal that allows you to activate consequences for his predictable behavior works in your favor.

He won't change, so use that knowledge to your advantage.