2 her fault car accidents in 4 days

[Merlot]

Hi Donemom

I'm so sorry for what you are all going through, it sounds truly overwhelming - aghhhh the rollercoaster, just when you think your nearing the end of the ride, the throw in a last minute twist that takes your breath away.

I can so relate to the absolute mixed emotions associated with being so desperately worried for our child's wellbeing on the one hand, and on the other being so exhausted about how much of it they seem to bring on themselves.

My DD27 was constantly the creator of her own drama but couldn't own any of it - in fact she couldn't understand why her life was so difficult 

With an AVO on and off her baby's father for 12 months (she fell pregnant - caught up in a love duo), she then ended up pregnant to him a second time, followed by wanting an abortion, followed by keeping the baby (she would have been 8 1/2 months pregnant as the matron of honour for my youngest daughter's wedding - so we dealt with all that drama), followed by a miscarriage that we suspect wasn't a miscarriage for a range of compelling reasons. 

At the time I was less than sympathetic. I was disappointed and angry with her.  We were walking her dogs and were late back for a follow up doctor's appointment following the miscarriage when she flew into an ugly rage, my husband (her stepfather of 20 years) asked her to calm down.  Later she told me that I should have to him to shut the "f" up.  I told her that I would never speak to my husband like that.  She told me that she lost all respect for me as I supported him while I watched her emotionally 'break'.  We have now been cut off for six months along with my precious granddaughter.

I'm so relieved for you that your daughter is willing to engage in therapy, like Wendy Darling says, with gentle guidance and encouragement things can and do improve.

I wish nothing but the best for you Donemom and I'm glad that coming here is as much help to you as it has been to me.  please look after yourself, your health and wellbeing to be the best you can be for your husband and daughter is paramount.

Hugs to you
Merlot
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DoneMom]

Thanks G2B & Merlot,

I am doing my best to keep my head above water right now. 

My Mom doesn’t know anything about the pills or the rape.  My daughter’s old boyfriend knows all of it but the new one knows nothing except for the first car wreck.  My husband knows the whole sad story but her father (my ex) only knows about the two car accidents. My three siblings only know about the car wrecks and nothing else... .It’s a lot to keep straight about who she wants to know what and when.  Eventually it will all come out - especially since there will be a trial a year or so from now for the rape (that’s how backed up our local court system is).

My Mom is complaining to my husband that I am avoiding her but I’m really not... .it’s just that I’ve been so busy running around seeing police and lawyers and therapists with my daughter, I don’t have time to give her right now.  I promised her that next week I will take her out to lunch and to do a little bit of antique shopping.  She knows something is up but my husband has been very helpful with answering her many questions & taking care of her immediate needs... .he usually spends a couple of hours a day down at her house & they have a genuine friendship.  Mom’s birthday is this weekend and we got her a new air conditioner for her bedroom which my hubby installed yesterday.  We are having a birthday party for her at a local restaurant with my whole family coming - all except for one grandchild (my dd who refuses to engage with our family).  I am just so happy I pre-planned this birthday outing and that I don’t have to cook a meal for 20 or so people!

My husband is truly a saint... .my daughter hates him as if he were Satan and they have had a lot of ugly conflict in the past but she doesn’t dare say a bad word about him, especially now.  He has been very kind to her over the past 8 years that we’ve been together.  She basically sees him as competition for my time and (until I cut off financial help) a source of money. 

Merlot - sounds like you have had similar issues with your daughter and her stepdad.  I thank God every single day that my own dd has not brought a child into this madness and cannot begin to imagine the pain that you must be feeling since your daughter has gone NC for the past six months with a grandchild involved.  I doubt my own dd could even conceive a child right now.  She been so immersed in anorexic behavior that she rarely ovulates... .and this has been going on for years.  Since she agreed to therapy, it’s one of the many things that will be covered, thankfully.

My dd is just trying to pretend none of this has happened & is going off for a weekend getaway with the new boyfriend.  So we will walk the dog and take care of my Mom while she has fun pretending she is a different person than she really is.  This new boyfriend has no idea what he’s getting into.  She presents herself to him as a sweet, innocent young woman who bakes him cookies and who takes care of her elderly grandmother out of the goodness in her heart (it’s the only place she can live rent free right now).  I keep telling her that she should not lie especially to someone she cares about and she keeps telling me that he wouldn’t want to be with her if he knew the truth.  G2B - your “support group” for your daughter’s exes... .yeah, I can relate!

And so yeah, on and on it goes... .I don’t know what is around the corner anymore but I really hope it will not involve any more tragedy or drama. 

Thanks for the help and support-it is very very much appreciated!

DMom

[wendydarling]

Hi DoneMom

You've so much happening! Supporting your DD in treatment are you ready, is she?  

That was our meeting place.

WDx

[DoneMom]

Hi wendydarling,

I am so ready to support her as much as I can with all that’s on my full plate.  I’ve told her that this is her chance to stop the chaos and pain she’s been living with.  If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what else I can do.

I think she is finally ready too - we’ve been advocating/pushing for DBT therapy since she was diagnosed a couple of years ago.  She has wavered on it for a long time saying “l don’t have BPD!”  Now she tells me - “ok I have BPD traits-maybe”.  I’ve told her she has to make this therapy a top priority in her life right now.  DBT is a boundary I’ve set - but it’s one she seems willing to accept - at least for now. 

I hope it will be our meeting place as well wendyd.

Thanks as always,

DMom

[DoneMom]

Too much drama... .I got an email from the Captain of the police that my daughter & I have seen twice now. This Captain from the next County over (where the rape occurred) has been great. 

She wanted to verify that my daughter had decided to NOT pursue the rape in her email. I cannot believe how I am devestaed by this, just crushed.  I am also SO angry that:

1:  My daughter did not consult me at all in this decision even though
I have been 100% supportive and envolved. I gave her money to pay her lawyer today ( This is a LOAN and she was upset about the terms). I .feel I should have turned around and came back home after she tried changing the terms of the loan.

2 i feel foolish for believing her again, that she would “try”, do her “best”,etc.

3: She described her first DBT sesssion as “weird”.  It’s group therapy for part of it and she told me everyone I her group are 50lus year old females.  She doesn’t love it thus far but I feel like she can at least learn something from the people in her group, maybe the therapist.

To me, this is it - her last chance and I can see now that she thinks she can bluff me, fool me and I am crying .i am so mad!



DMom

[DoneMom]

P.S the whole reason she’s getting skittish is because of the new boyfriend... .she was told yesterday at our meeting thatn if they go for a rape charge, her name could be made public! 

[wendydarling]

Oh DoneMom   I'm so sorry after everything you've done to support your daughter not to tell you she'd changed her mind. BPD and rape is a vulnerable mix, as you say add new boyfriend, poor executive function, personal limitations... .you've every right to feel mad and upset. They're covering themselves saying if they go for a rape charge, her name could be made public EVEN if her choice is not to be named publically it can't be guaranteed. Ugh. Have you spoken with your daughter?

I agree that can be a positive having mature people in your daughters skills group. I guess it must feel weird being in a new situation, there to learn strange new skills, learn about oneself and to commit to enter into a formal contract, follow group and therapy rules, do their best.
I remember my DD describing it as scary. She did not often talk about it in the early days, just offered the odd snippet here and there where I listened, validated her experience, that she was doing her best etc.

DoneMom you deserve calm days ahead.

WDx

[Good2behere]

I can hear your frustration, donemom.

Dealing with all of this, expending all of this time/money/energy, yet not having any control over any of it-- so incredibly difficult. And feeling "duped" by the person you're trying so much to help and protect.

I also have been very frustrated with my dd, that therapy or therapists or DBT or AA or whatever she doesn't want to do is "weird" or "doesn't help". But the situations she gets herself into AREN'T weird or unhelpful? 

And then there's the righteous anger that someone who is a dangerous criminal, who hurt our child, might get away with it-- I have been there. Along with the confusion of not knowing exactly what has happened or will happen, because everything seems to change so quickly, as if we have imagined the whole thing. We aren't the ones going off for a weekend to pretend everything is normal. (Maybe we should!)

g2b

[Merlot]

 Hi Donemom

How are you going?

I think back to my first day on a new job five months ago and how strange everything felt, new people, new relationships, and so much to learn.  It felt overwhelming... .I just wanted my old job back.  Funny how we just want to revert to what we know and what we feel comfortable with.  It's hard enough when we don't have a disorder, I can only imagine how difficult it is for our BPD children to engage in the most personal of discussions with strangers.

In reading Rachel Reiland's biography on BPD recovery; Get me out of Here - there is a point 2/12 years into therapy where changes in her behaviour are apparent and even her loving husband is trying to come to terms with the new Rachel - we seek comfort in what we know even when what we know is not great.

I come back to WendyDarling in engaging her in the conversation and problem solving when she is calm - what is scaring her - are there other options for more personalised therapy? It's such a great starting point for both of you to pursue therapy and I wish you success

Thinking of you   and interested in how this goes.

Merlot

[DoneMom]

I am much calmer than my last post... .I am supporting her therapy even though she tells me that the whole group besides her “colors with crayons” during the session.  Ugh, possibly another fail?  I had her with a very good psychiatrist and wanted her to stay with him as well as pursuing DBT group therapy.  Now I am wondering if she would be better off doing DBT group in the next County over which would have more young people in it.

It all still a giant mess.  We had her first court date today and she was late getting up and ready.  At least, the lawyer she hired got the traffic ticket for the first accident dropped entirely.  Now we face a meeting with the local police & her lawyer to (hopefully) get the pending drug charges dropped and - if not - she is going to need a lot more money than the $3000 retainer my husband and I loaned her for legal fees.

I am not well and having worse physical pain than usual so I am just doing the best I can for her.  I face each storm as it comes and because I am aware of the of the anger and resentment I have accumulated over the past few years, I am just trying to be as fair and as positive as I can with my DD.

Meanwhile, she is planning a serious 4 night vacation for next week with the new boyfriend who is telling her he wants a “wife willing to have 6 children” and who “doesn’t want a career of her own”.  I see this as a future disaster... .I told her that raising a child is the most challenging job on earth and she should think long and hard about being committed to having multiple children with a man who is 12 years older than her & whom she barely knows. 

Thanks for the kind words everyone - I had to take a little internet break but I hope I can come back here much more now and support other folks going through similar problems.

Anyhow, that’s my update.

DMom

[wendydarling]

Hi DoneMom

Good to hear from you  , it's no wonder you need a break and I'm sorry your physical pain is worse than usual, it all adds up. What are you doing for self care, I ask because when I was in crisis with my DD I had to work double hard to be mindful, present to make the time for self care and feel relief.

I am much calmer than my last post... .I am supporting her therapy even though she tells me that the whole group besides her “colors with crayons” during the session.  Ugh, possibly another fail?  I had her with a very good psychiatrist and wanted her to stay with him as well as pursuing DBT group therapy.  Now I am wondering if she would be better off doing DBT group in the next County over which would have more young people in it.

DMom whoops my DD will have been doodling away during group skills  . A couple of months ago she shared with me how she doodled her way through school and uni, doodling helped her learning, it helped her focus on listening, it was her way to be mindful, it soothed her. I'm glad your DD has a good psychiatrist, my DD has too, now in their 4th year together. Does your DD get on well with them, building trust and respect was key to my DD knowing someone was there who cared and was doing their best to help her, help her understand and work with her diagnosis, help her take on responsibility for her care, they've been on this amazing journey together (see my thread My DD is facing her eating disorder). I'm in the UK and we have our National Health System, DBT resources are scarce is a gross understatement. I think her knowing this was her chance, her one and only helped her get on with it and make the most she could. The best we can expect is they keep attending and get the most of what they can from DBT. Has your DD signed the contract of commitment yet?

I hope court does not drag on too long for you and your husband and your DD is able to reflect and learn.

New boyfriend, goodness they have much to learn about each other.

I hope you're able to rest up, your doing a brilliant job with your DD and its hard, hang in there, with us, and thanks for reaching out and supporting other folks when you can, it really means so much.

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi there DoneMom

How are you going? I'm hoping there are some resolutions to the 'giant mess' and life is treating you more kindly. Is your DD delivering on the conditions you set?

I saw your husbands wishing to take you on a long break you certainly deserve, is this something you can work towards?

WDx