Do You Still Dream of Your Ex?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Almost a year of NC, and I still dream of that man. I didn't even realize it until last night, one of the dogs woke me in the middle of the night; she interrupted a dream I was having of my STBX.

No wonder I wake up in a bad mood. 

[toomanydogs]

Almost a year of NC, and I still dream of that man. I didn't even realize it until last night, one of the dogs woke me in the middle of the night; she interrupted a dream I was having of my STBX.

No wonder I wake up in a bad mood. 

[gilac]

3 months after the break up, still having those dreams... .

[Insom]

Yes, toomanydogs and glilac!  I can relate.   

I'm here, a person in my forties, because about two years ago I started having an intense spate of dreams about a relationship I had with a person with BPD when I was a teen.

How do you feel IN the dreams.  How do you feel about them after you wake up?

[GaGrl]

Hey, I was married to a man with no personality disorder.  We have a son together and have always had a cordial post-marital relationship.

We have been divorced 30 years.  When he recently lost his second wife suddenly and went through a nasty estate settlement, I talked with him several times. 

I actually dreamed of my ex-husband after 30 years!

[once removed]

about once or twice a year i have a recurring dream where im avoiding her and trying to break up with her.

[toomanydogs]

about once or twice a year i have a recurring dream where im avoiding her and trying to break up with her.

 

[toomanydogs]

I actually dreamed of my ex-husband after 30 years!

Wow.

[toomanydogs]

How do you feel IN the dreams.  How do you feel about them after you wake up?

In the dreams, I usually feel humiliated and betrayed. Last night, I just felt confused and kept saying, "STBX, is that you? What are you doing here?"

I wake up feeling exhausted sometimes, headachy other times, and still other times sad and angry.

[toomanydogs]

3 months after the break up, still having those dreams... .

Yep. How long were you together?

[Cromwell]

I have a suspicion I do regularly, I often think of her the second i wake up. I hardly remember dreams, which im grateful for, I think far too much of her during the day its good at least to get a break when im unconscious. 

[Insom]

In the dreams, I usually feel humiliated and betrayed. Last night, I just felt confused and kept saying, "STBX, is that you? What are you doing here?"

I wake up feeling exhausted sometimes, headachy other times, and still other times sad and angry.

I hear you.  Do the dreams feel meaningful to you?  Like they have a purpose?

[MeandThee29]

Definitely. I dream of the good times.

[Whoad]

A year— and yes... I tend to wake up in a bad mood as well. I don’t want anything to with her... period. I am  done... I came back to support my BPd freinds and offer insights... but yes... They do occur...

[toomanydogs]

I hear you.  Do the dreams feel meaningful to you?  Like they have a purpose?

Sometimes they feel meaningful. The one I had a few nights ago, I thought my STBX was trying to reach me. Not like he was trying to get back or anything, just that he was thinking of me or something.

The reason it felt like that was that in the dream I was in a room with a friend, and my STBX showed up but hung back in the shadows, as if he didn't want to be discovered. And I just kept saying, "STBX, is that you?"

Weird.

Happy Thursday,
TMD

[Cromwell]

I dont know if it was something about this thread, but I dreamed about her last night. very uncharacteristic, actually the first dream that wasnt a nightmare, maybe just "scary", looks like im making some progress after all.

The mind is indeed a powerful thing its hard to put this down as a coincidence.

[MeandThee29]

I dont know if it was something about this thread, but I dreamed about her last night. very uncharacteristic, actually the first dream that wasnt a nightmare, maybe just "scary", looks like im making some progress after all.

The mind is indeed a powerful thing its hard to put this down as a coincidence.

I had lots of upsetting dreams for about 3-4 months. I would wake up in a cold sweat without remembering the dream. In counselling we figured it out though. After that, they faded away.

Now I dream about life when we young, when our kids were little, etc. etc. Good dreams.

[mylovewbpd]

I just had a dream last night about her! We are getting divorced and I was feeling grateful we had not had children together and that we hadn't yet bought our home.  I went to sleep and then I was in a house and we had kids and we were fighting (toxic-ally of course) and our kids were upset and I couldn't explain why their mother was being so detached and aloof and hurtful toward me.  I was back in a scene from before she left me and it was HORRIBLE.  I woke up to the alarm clock and didn't get to finish the dream... .it was not a good way to wake up.

[Insom]

When I first started dreaming about my ex I found the dreams really annoying.  (Him?  Now? Really?  )  And when I found this site my main goal was to make them stop.  Over time though, I've come to see them as an invitation to address difficult stuff from my past that I'd packed away.  Sometimes their meaning is clear, other times they baffle me. 

TooManyDogs, Would it be fair to say that your latest dream felt meaningful to you becuase it was emotionally evocative and different from other dreams about your ex you've had before?  Have you thought about what the latest dream means?

My dreams have also changed.

•  Initially, there was a long series of dreams characterized by thwarted yearning.  (I'd see my ex across a crowded room/airplane/restaurant/etc. and want to go to him but couldn't due to a physical barrier in my way.)  I'm in therapy now and T has suggested I had this dream because there is something unresolved about the relationship.

•  When I found this site and started asking questions here the dreams turned into serial killer nightmares where I was being stalked by my ex.  Those felt terrifying and I took them as a literal warning to not reach out to my ex for resolution at that time.

•  Lately, the dreams are about contempt.  I dream he's in the room with me and I feel ignored or contemptible, either unseen or dismissed.  It's these latest dreams that interest me the most because I understand them the least.

I've wondered if this is my body's way of processing past trauma - by having me re-experience real emotions I experienced in the relationship in my sleep?

[Insom]

MeandThee29, would you care to share more about what you figured out about your dreams in counseling?  What's the process you had to go through to figure your dreams out?  (How long did it take?)

[once removed]

Over time though, I've come to see them as an invitation to address difficult stuff from my past that I'd packed away.  Sometimes their meaning is clear, other times they baffle me. 

... .

My dreams have also changed.

... .

I've wondered if this is my body's way of processing past trauma - by having me re-experience real emotions I experienced in the relationship in my sleep?

this is my understanding as it applies to dreams about trauma, and especially recurring ones. the nature of the dreams changing can be a good sign. these dreams do tend to have meaning, and there are active steps we can take to get to the bottom of it, so to speak, and mentally resolve them in waking and dreaming life.

would that i better understand and interpret dreams! i have posted on this board before however about dream content and gotten great feedback.

[40days_in_desert]

I periodically have dreams with my ex in them. Not always all about her. I would say that the ones in the past year or so are more confirmation on the reality of any romantic relationship with her being highly unsuccessful. Not in a mean or derogatory way. More in a subtle way that she is focused mainly on her needs and not others.

My ex has cycled in and out of approaching me with the idea of getting back together about 7-8 times in the past 18 months or so. These dreams seem to coincide with those "idealization" cycles. Recently, we went to sign our final settlement agreement at her L's office (yes, my L was present) and my ex said that she has committed to the fact that we will be married again one day. A dream followed a few days after that. I feel that my subconscious processes all of her actions in my dreams where I don't always do it as well when I'm awake. I confess that sometimes I can get a little caught up in the idea of getting back together even though I never get too caught up! Divorce should be official within two weeks!

[spacecadet]

No, its been more than a year since I've seen him so I don't really remember his face anymore.

[steppedinone]

I've had a few of them, and they seem to coincide with times she appears in my life. I've done a good job of avoiding her, and it's odd that she has more than once appeared the day after she appeared in a dream.

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi, I wanted to chime in with a few thoughts... .

I’m still with my uBPDh, for logistical reasons, but have experienced a lot of flashbacks to trauma, from him and from my childhood.

I’m working on my masters in counseling, and have come a cross a few things that seems promising to me, and I hope to try someday. Maybe my flashbacks will stop?

I’m pretty sure I have complex post traumatic stress, which is layers of trauma events over time.

There’s something called EMDR, I think it stands for Eye Movement Desensitization... something. Anyway, I have a few friends who are working with a therapist who does this and they report improvement, less nightmares, flashbacks, and feeling much better, able to think clearer.
I don’t know how I feel about it yet, just wanted to share what I know of. I hope things improve for you, it must have been awful to go through.

 I’m sure after I finally get out of this, I’ll be trying to get all the therapy I can afford!
Best wishes,
Dig

[toomanydogs]

Hi, I wanted to chime in with a few thoughts... .


There’s something called EMDR, I think it stands for Eye Movement Desensitization... something. Anyway, I have a few friends who are working with a therapist who does this and they report improvement, less nightmares, flashbacks, and feeling much better, able to think clearer.
I don’t know how I feel about it yet, just wanted to share what I know of. I hope things improve for you, it must have been awful to go through.

 I’m sure after I finally get out of this, I’ll be trying to get all the therapy I can afford!
Best wishes,
Dig

Hi Dig,
 I've done EMDR with my therapist, and I found it really helpful. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, and EMDR helped.
Good luck!
TMD

[Dignity&Strength]

Hey, that’s good to know! I’m glad. One more vote for it works! I’m sorry if I missed that somewhere in the discussion thread.
Dig

[strings]

My dreams of my xw are just what they are. Dreams. Dreams of a reality where she wasn't disordered, and kind, and thoughtful. It's my mind processing what I thought I was getting, and my hopes of the great marriage I never was going to have.

[toomanydogs]

There’s something called EMDR, I think it stands for Eye Movement Desensitization... something. Anyway, I have a few friends who are working with a therapist who does this and they report improvement, less nightmares, flashbacks, and feeling much better, able to think clearer.
I don’t know how I feel about it yet, just wanted to share what I know of. I hope things improve for you, it must have been awful to go through.

 I’m sure after I finally get out of this, I’ll be trying to get all the therapy I can afford!
Best wishes,
Dig

Hi Dig,
 Let me chime in and echo your friends' statements about EMDR. For me, it helped quite a bit. Like you, and so many others on these boards, I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Being with my STBX exacerbated the symptoms, and going through the divorce periodically makes the symptoms quite uncomfortable, almost debilitating.
 The EMDR and medical marijuana help.
Good luck,
TMD

[toomanydogs]

My dreams of my xw are just what they are. Dreams. Dreams of a reality where she wasn't disordered, and kind, and thoughtful. It's my mind processing what I thought I was getting, and my hopes of the great marriage I never was going to have.

Hi Strings,
 I love what you've written. It's beautifully sad and poignant. Part of my healing from my STBX is working through what I'd wanted from the marriage and what I got and recognizing I got so little.
TMD

[toomanydogs]

No, its been more than a year since I've seen him so I don't really remember his face anymore.

Hi spacecadet,
How long were you with him?
TMD