Husband has Sex Addiction, should the kids and I stay or go?

[Lilly77]

Hello! So happy to have discovered this site! I NEED HELP! Husband has almost ALL traits of BPD. We have 4 kids ages 10, 11, 14, 15. Together 26 years, married 18 yrs. Hes open to seeking treatment. First appt is July31. Besides the roller coaster of BPD--including intense rage and ALL symptoms... .he has a sex addiction (which he has had therapy for in the past). His BPD symptoms AND sex addiction BOTH seem to be escalating. The SA is "max"--he doesnt know at THIS time everything I know. (But yes Ive confronted many times in the past). I know a boundary/limit needs to set (which Ive NEVER done before with him--out of fear and co-dependency--hes the STRONG "leader" in our family). Im trying to collect my thoughts, gather my evidence. The question is what is the BEST way to approach this horrible topic (again) and best way to set the limit? In the past, I confront, he gets very angry/rages/somehow turns it into my fault. Thats not the best approach anymore. Im willing to do ANYthing! BC Im hurt and very ":)one" with everything! Im willing to stick by him through BPD therapy journey... .but Can NOT handle the SA acting out anymore--however, if he agrees to treatment/therapy for this too--and is 100% committed, then I will stand by his side, as Ive done in the past. We both work and are BOTH heavily involved with child rearing--seperate and together. Im willing to seperate (temp or permanent) as a "limit", until he chooses to get help or not. But, what is BEST scenerio for the kids? During this "limit setting" action? Knowing all that we know about BPD? Do I leave with the kids temporarily? (But leaving note communicating everything?) Im sure he will get super angry at first anyway... .whats the best way to approach this? Regarding kids, and regarding best approach in dealing with BPD spouse? Ive never done ANYthing like this. Im a no-drama type. And I love him and my kids----but Im also 'done' in so many ways. I have good family support and $$ support. He has NO outside family support. I appreciate ANY good advice! Thank u! Sorry so long!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Lily77,



This does sound pretty intense. You say he was treated for this sex addiction in the past? Did it make a difference. I know these can be sensitive topics, do you want to explain more about the problem is exactly? Is it offensive to you? Harming other people somehow? Has it noticeably impacted the kid's lives?

It is up to you what you can tolerate or work with or not. None of us would ever tell you whether to stay or leave a relationship - these are your choices. But I would like to ask about which way you are leaning and why? You have resources, you could go, why haven't you? Are there equal reasons to stay or go? Are you trying to force some kind of change out of him? How would you rate his SA in terms of seriousness? Does it interfere with his ability to work/function?

Do you have any idea why he is worsening lately?

with compassion, pearl.

p.s. Please keep posting your own issues and on others threads as well - it is a great way to build a piece of your support network! We like folks to stick around and support when possible!

[Radcliff]

Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear about all you're dealing with, but glad you have found us.

You said that your husband has an appointment about treatment for BPD on July 31.  What kind of therapy is it?  DBT?

Can you tell us more about your relationship?  It sounds like if he is working and heavily involved with the kids, he may be high-functioning BPD.  Do people outside your family know of his behaviors, or are they carefully hidden from outsiders?

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Lily77 and joining pearlsw and Wentworth in welcoming you here! Happy to have you.

Please don't apologize for the length of your post (actually short by many standards here). The more you share with us the more we have to go on in terms of giving advice.  

It sounds like you have arrived with a lot of things already figured out. Good for you. And it is great news that your husband is open to seeking treatment.

But its also clear how much these problems, particularly the SA, have worn you down to your limits. I think pearlsw and WW asked most of the pertinent questions on this point so please share as much as you are comfortable. You are safe here.  

Are you kids aware of the SA and / or BPD, and if so how have they been effected?

Wishing you strength,
RolandOfEld