I Don't Think I can Have Radical Acceptance

[Ceiba2017]

I've been back with my undiagnosed BPD husband for about a month after taking two months away. He made a big enough breakthrough that I felt comfortable coming back while knowing there would be growing pains. He had a few emotional outbursts the past couple weeks which we handled fairly well and kept from getting out of control. Despite that, the flames of my internal conflict began to be stoked again. Despite my  therapy sessions, books, meditation, yoga I could not keep this resentment from taking hold of me. I tried stuffing my emotions for a few day but tonight I decided I had to tell my husband how I was feeling. I knew I was risking a big blow up, so I put my computer and notebook in a bag in the instance that I would have to leave for a couple hours. I went and told my husband that I was still feeling upset about the recent conflicts we had and that it makes me feel like leaving again. I told him that when I came back it was because he made a breakthrough and was seeing a therapist. Now that he has stopped seeing a therapist  I told him I told don't have a sense of what the road to recovery for us will be. As a result, I have a fear of everything devolving again. Luckily my husband didn't blow up but said he sensed that if he went to therapy now I would leave him anyway. His view is that the way to get better is to improve his career (which he is now doing) get us out of his father's place and make some real life goals. He says he feels like this is a place from which he can consider therapy.  My view is that if he doesn't seek out serious therapy that I don't feel like I can continue the marriage. Maybe I want something that just can't happen with someone with this problem. I feel like I'm too sensitive to his emotions and my low threshold is just making me miserable. I fantasize all the time about being alone again but when I really think of our marriage ending I do get sad. We really didn't resolve anything tonight and we are both upset. I don't know where things will go tomorrow. We were supposed to go on a little camping trip but now things may change. All I know is that this radical acceptance idea is really hard and I really don't know if I can do it. Does anyone out there feel the same way? Do you have insights from your experiences? 

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[pearlsw]

Hi Ceiba2017,

This is a great question - thanks for posting it!

I worked with that concept for awhile and felt good with it. It was a relief. I also have experience with meditation/buddhism and so the philosophical side of this was something I could comfortably grasp. I can't say I'm working with this now.

I do notice I am pretty flat about my relationship. I think making peace with your own range of emotions can make a difference. Yesterday I felt very angry and for a change I just let myself speak out all those angry thoughts in my head for about an hour. They were pretty ridiculous to listen to, but I am glad I did not repress them. I don't even remember them today. And most importantly, I am glad I did not release that tirade on my SO.

You don't have to radically accept this. It can help though. If you are uncertain, it is okay to be uncertain. But I understand not wanting to get stuck in that place!

I did a thread once where I said the things here that I wish I could say to my SO just to get them out. Maybe we need to start one of those to help us with processing stuff a bit? You wanna start one or should I?

with compassion, pearl.

p.s. that's great that you have done all this self/relationship work!

[desperate.wife]

I tried stuffing my emotions for a few day but tonight I decided I had to tell my husband how I was feeling.

Maybe I want something that just can't happen with someone with this problem. I feel like I'm too sensitive to his emotions and my low threshold is just making me miserable. I fantasize all the time about being alone again but when I really think of our marriage ending I do get sad. 

I feel exactly the same. Incredible.

[desperate.wife]

Yesterday I felt very angry and for a change I just let myself speak out all those angry thoughts in my head for about an hour. They were pretty ridiculous to listen to, but I am glad I did not repress them. I don't even remember them today. And most importantly, I am glad I did not release that tirade on my SO.

I noticed if I get news that upsets me, makes me angry, I feel them alone, I think and rethink over  and over all in my head, I do to get calmer and next day I don’t even remember what it was about. And this helps to avoid some unnecessary emotional situations. However, some things just can't go away. At least with some time to rethink everything, when you start talking, it is much calmer and better expressed. You can just say I know you feel this way, but I feel this way. So you know it is not moment's impulse and you won’t change the way you feel next day. I even asked my SO to tell me things on Skype :d To have some distance to live all the emotions that comes and keep just with those that sticks. But it is hard as we are all the time together. That thread where you may just say things might be really useful!

[pearlsw]

However, some things just can't go away. At least with some time to rethink everything, when you start talking, it is much calmer and better expressed.

But it is hard as we are all the time together.

That thread where you may just say things might be really useful!

You are so right! I just wanted to let the exaggerated stuff out to myself! It was a nice change for me. I would hate for anyone to be able to hear those thoughts though!

Yes, we are home together a lot too and that can very easily be too much!

I'll go ahead and start that thread! I'll look forward to your reply on it!

take care, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Ceiba2017, all of your emotions are natural.  And you are still absorbing a lot of changes.  Radical acceptance is not something you can "should" on yourself.  It has to come from a position of strength, and be something that really works for you.  Adjusting your expectations about how many of your needs your husband can meet, letting go of "nice-to-haves," signing up for more than your fair share of work, those are all candidates for radical acceptance.  But pushing yourself to accept unsustainable conditions is not going to work long term.

It sounds like you're doing a lot of work -- therapy, book reading, meditation.  Despite that work, your situation leaves you feeling resentful.  What are the one or two things about your situation that fuel the most resentment right now?

WW

[Bright_80]

Maybe I want something that just can't happen with someone with this problem. I feel like I'm too sensitive to his emotions and my low threshold is just making me miserable. I fantasize all the time about being alone again but when I really think of our marriage ending I do get sad.

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I feel you here. I've found over the years that I have to accept an abnormal normal. Our life and means of communicating are so much different than in any type of relationship or friendship I've had in the past. But, if I want to stay in the relationship, I have to realize that is going to be the case.

I have fantasized out about all of the things I could do if we were not married but then realize I'd only be doing them alone, without my husband by my side, which is heartbreaking. I've being lurking this discussion board for awhile but just got involved this week. I'm hoping to learn some new ways to meet my needs while staying in my BPD relationship. You're not alone! Wishing good things for you!