My 26 adult son has BPD, drug addictions, cut us off, I worry constantly

[jabeen]

Hi there!
I have a son who has been diagnosed with BPD since he was 21 and today he is 26.  We have struggled to help him with his drug addictions since the last 6 years, but its been a roller coaster with him  
Now he thinks we are narcistic parents and has cut off connection with us.  I worry about him constantly, cannot function and have lot of anxiety.  He has also slipped into his anorexia and keeps abusing xanax and weed 24/7 which is making him become violent and also posting horrible things about me on the net.  How can I help him?  He doesn't want to be near us and wants to stay alone which we have given him his space, yet i miss my son and can't stop worrying about him  
please advise

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Jabeen

  Welcome to the bpdfamily.  I'm very sorry to hear about what you are going through   

I'm really glad you are here, so many of us here can really relate to how difficult it is watching our children self destruct and in trying to help them, being lost to them, and I know you must be hurting terribly. 

How can I help him?  He doesn't want to be near us and wants to stay alone which we have given him his space

In the softest way possible, the best way to help your son, is to help yourself first. I received wonderful guidance from parents when I first came here about stepping back out of the drama and looking after myself as I too was totally lost, confused, angry and grief stricken after being cut off from my DD27 and grandbaby following a violent rage.  I've also been called a narcissist and while disturbing, it's only how they see us, not how we are.

I read so much of what was on the board to the right , and started practicing validating her emotions - not her behaviour.  I also saw a therapist, came here to talk to other members who have been so insightful and embarked on reading books to learn as much as I can.

While I am still NC with my daughter, I am working through my grief and regaining the strongest version of myself so that I can move forward without anxiety and think about steps to stay connected and engaged with my daughter so that she always knows I love her.  I think giving him space is respectful but you can let him know that you are always there for him.

It's very true that we can't change them, only ourselves and the way we relate to them.  It's baby steps, and it's a long journey.

Are you able to share a little more of what has been happening, this will help other parents to target the conversation with guidance that is very pertinent to your situation.

We look forward to hearing more from you.  Hugs to you. 

Merlot

[Feeling Better]

Hello jabeen

I would like to join Merlot in welcoming you here.

Well, I can really relate to what you have written 

Now he thinks we are narcistic parents and has cut off connection with us.  I worry about him constantly, cannot function and have lot of anxiety.  He has also slipped into his anorexia and keeps abusing xanax and weed 24/7 which is making him become violent and also posting horrible things about me on the net.  How can I help him?  He doesn't want to be near us and wants to stay alone which we have given him his space, yet i miss my son and can't stop worrying about him 
please advise

My son has been NC (no contact) with me for well over a year now, I used to worry about him constantly, I also couldn’t function and suffered with anxiety. I was desperate to help him but like you, respected his wish that he be left alone even though I missed him and our relationship terribly.

Oh boy, I know how hard it is and how you must be feeling right now.

The support and the help that I have received from people on this site has helped me more than I can say.

As Merlot quite rightly says, you won’t be able to help your son unless you help yourself first. The worry and the anxiety will both take their toll on you unless you take measures to take care of yourself.

What support do you currently have jabeen? 

[jabeen]

I have no support, just the books i keep reading about BPD.  And for some reason I am not able to pick myself as I also know he has gone into his anorexia eating disorder, along with his xanax and weed addictions, so feel very helpless... .

[jabeen]

and he also stays alone and doesn't reach out to anyone which is more scary!

[Lollypop]

Hi there Jabeen

I just wanted to reach out to you because I have a similar experience.  My son27 is addicted to skunk.  I know of the fear you speak of, it can eat you up. I also know that feeling of missing him and the grief that comes with the chaos of his situation.  I too tried very hard to help him with my son’s addictions.  I learnt that he wasn’t ready - he may never be ready to commit to giving up.  For us, we started to improve our relationship when I stopped focussing on the drugs.

How is your son funding his lifestyle?  :)o you have any other children?

Hugs to you. I know it’s a horrible situation and my heart goes out to you

LP