She attacked me with knives

[childhoodgone]

My (29yM) girlfriend (25 years old F)
for the last 7 years was diagnosed with Impulsive borderline disorder, but she has denied having it and refused to discuss about it or to have any treatment.

I am new to all this, and reading about Impulsive BPD, she seems to have all of the characteristics.

She cutted her wrists in highschool, she once took heroin, many times she took other types of lighter drugs

she was constantly regarded and elected as the Beauty Queen of her Highschool.

She started many universities and many jobs, usually giving up after first 2-4 weeks. Now she has her first job where she stayed for more than 6 months,
because she has a high salary.

She made up past rape and past "I was abused".

Yes, what kept me on next to her was that I started to care for her, try to help her, and she spent every day with me wherever we went
and travelled often all over Europe.

She isolated me from all my friends, often she would say horrible things like "You beat up kids! They are not your friends, they hate you or they don't care about you,
you are too old," and many of such insults.

Of course, after just few hours, she would initiate passionate sex with me, and the sex was mindblowing usually.  Sometimes though she looked
totally disengaged, and she would say weird things while we were making love, like "I am thinking to have kids with this gypsy guy
from work that never talks to anyone"

She insists sometimes to drink alcohol, and she becomes very violent after alcohol.

Now comes the worst parts:

When she was convinced she was pregnant with me, she started to threaten me "I will make sure your daughter or your son will hunt you down all your life
and destroy you" and she hitted me impulsively with knives over my face, cutting my nose, scarring my cheek and I was just 2 cm close
to losing one of my eyeballs.

She was not pregnant however, it was just more paranoia from her.

I am trying to detail, although English is not my native language, and as we spent such a large portion of our lives being together,
I was hoping that she becomes saner with time, however this was not the case, she is stressed, violent, uses insults and ways to
make me look like a monster in front of others although none of the horrible stories she tells are true,

and from 90% sweetness, maternal like love, passion, cuteness when we started our relationship,

now it is rather 5% of all the good things, and 95% of extreme insults, violence against me, provocations, breaking up with me
and then messaging me desperately after 2 days to help her with her imagined new recurring illnesses (she imagines she has recurrent candidosis,
which is not the case, and she takes no treatment, but she tells to doctors about it and then blames the doctors as incompetent)

I am very grateful for all your ideas, and how to be able to improve or save this relationship.

Thank you very much

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi childhoodgone,



Oh my! There is a lot to talk about here. Sorry you dealing with so many difficult issues in your relationship!

First, I want to ask, is she physically threatening your safety? How often does the violence occur? Do you have a way to safely remove yourself from the situation when she behaves this way?

So, she also makes false accusations against you? Again, can you tell us more about that. What is she saying and who is she saying it to?

Can you explain more about the past rape and abuse that may or may not have been true?

Are you isolated? Do you have any friends or family you can turn to for support in addition to us here?

with compassion, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Welcome to bpdfamily.  I'm sorry for the difficult situation you are in, but am glad you've found us.  You've described some very disturbing behaviors in your girlfriend.  Safety comes first.  pearlsw has asked some good questions.  Let us know more about your situation and we'll talk you through things.

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Hi childhoodgone, joining pearlsw and Wentworth in welcoming you here.

I will echo pearl and WW that your girlfriend's behaviors are very extreme and have put your physical safety at risk. My wife has hit and kicked in the past but never used weapons or put my safety at real risk. Like pearl and WW I think we need to address these issues first before we move on to how we can improve the relationship aspect. Please share more details on this part, thank you.

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[childhoodgone]

Thank you very much for your warm welcome.

It may sound unusual, but it feels like I am finally in the right place, and I value so much
the fact that you exist and you can answer and guide me a little.

There is so much to tell, I do regret very much that I did not come to this board earlier.
If I would only have known about it, so much pain and sufferring would have been avoided I think.

In all these years when she spent most of her time every day with me, she has pushed away, scared,
and made afraid my friends, by saying absurd things about me and about them
(for example about a friend of mine that is University teacher at the second most prestigious university in my town,
she said about him several times that he is a "dumb midget"
and it is a my city is a "sheethole" if it allowed him to become a teacher)

and as a result now I am very worn out, tired, and unfortunately isolated from the rest of the world.

People that did not know me very well have believed her anger outbursts and have avoided us.

About physical safety:

Yes, she physically threatened my safety more than a dozen times.

I don't know how usual is this, but she switched reality and facts so much as sometimes I even started to believe the insane things
she said.

Few of the worst attacks that I can remember are:

- jumping naked in bed next to me, pushing her ass in my face, violently trying to put objects inside my ass
while I was shocked and trying to defend myself and saying all the time "NO! NO!", then she farted close to my face

- several times hitting me with her bag, impulsively out of the blue, because she got very angry at something I said

- jumping with her feet on my head one time when she woke up at night again because she could not sleep
(she had many months in which her program of sleeping was 5am - 2pm usually, followed by 3pm - 10pm job)

- another time when she tried violently to push a brush inside my ass, to show me forcefully how "being raped" feels

- hitting me with the knives over the face, breaking down my glasses, my glasses being the only lucky reason
why at this moment I still have eyesight and I am not blind

Now you will wonder why I invested so many years and so much time spending day by day with her.

She has been my only very long term relationship, she asked me to marry her, to have children, we postponed these plans
for the future, but stayed together at 99% of the times.

We did break up with each other around 20 times, because of the things she did were indeed unacceptable,
but each time she contacted me back again usually after just 1-3 days

[childhoodgone]

I finished two universities and I was highly educated, however almost all my rest of my life and my career
was pushed apart by the takeover that the BPD girlfriend has done, pushing everyone away from me.

She would very often enter spirals of anxiety and stressed anger, talking for hours, making just negative remarks,
especially when I was seeing things in a lighter, more peaceful way.

Many discussions would last for hours, get increasingly more absurd, and at the end of the night
she would walk on streets screaming at me "Just imagine your mother dying! Jump from this bridge for me!"
and "You will die!"



I have also a big question to anyone who can give his opinion, I will appreciate very much.

For first 3 years of relationship, she constantly talked obsessively about her exboyfriend, with whom she has been from age of 14 to 19 years old.
She said they agreed to breakup after she broke his head with his mobile phone, left him bleeding,
and then he hidded her shaving razors, to stop her from cutting herself.

She was idealizing her exboyfriend constantly, saying how they shared everything together, how she was jealous only on his male friends,

but mainly about how he was able to give her everytime very strong anal sex orgasms.

And how I am not good in bed compared to her exboyfriend.

So for these 3 first years where the main subject of her initiated discussions were always her exboyfriend and how
good total and brutal sex had with him that was very satisfying, and how they were discussing having 3some but never completed it.

Why she never tried to get back together with him?

Why she stayed with me, whom I was almost never able to give her brutal sex at the intensity she asked me for?

Why if she had such a good relationship with her exbf and such good sex, she never tried to contact him or reconnect with him?

[childhoodgone]

I completed two universities and had been considered a good nice man all my life.

I am in a very long term relationship with my gf who is 25 years old with Impulsive Borderline Disorder, but she refuses
to acknowledge it, denies violently the BPD diagnosis.

What I do not understand is why the more I help her (for example I took time off my job for 3 days, just to go with her
to all the doctors that she wanted, and get prescriptions. Most doctors however said there is nothing wrong with her legs,
with her bladder, or with her veins, and she had agressive outbursts towards them, that they are "incompetent!",

the more I help her

the more she abuses me, insults me, hits me,
and then breaks up with me for few days ("You annoy me so much, I can't stand you! You are idiot, analphabet
and you stink! I break up with you!",
and then after 2 days usually she starts recontacting me again in a completely changed,
cute warm way ("What is my sweetie doing? Let's go eat something delicious!"

I can't possibly understand why she is doing this.

She doesn't keep promises she makes, she rarely if ever does something that I would enjoy,
at any of my health problems she responds invariably with "my legs hurt too" but she looks completely indifferent,
so there is no reciprocity at the helping, nor at the supporting part.

I don't understand why she abuses me, insults me and breaks up with me the hour after I solve all her complicated urgent problems,
like for example all the bus, train and flight connections and tickets for a two ways trip abroad that she took,
only to send me after 2-3 days sweet, warm messages again.

[babyducks]

Hi  childhoodgone,

Welcome to the family here.    You've come to a good place to learn and talk with people who understand what you are living with.

I can't possibly understand why she is doing this.

People who live with BPD or many of the traits of it, often create a lot of conflict and confusion in the lives of the people who are closest to them.     You are right.    It is very hard to understand.   

BPD is a complex, complicated mental illness.     It's often not a deliberate conscious choice to act or behave in ways that create conflict and confusion,  it's more of a reaction to very intense, harmfully intense emotional swings.

Does that make sense?

My experience was that at the very bottom of all the difficult behaviors I lived with was, shame and fear.    Fear of not being good enough,   fear of being hurt,    fear of not getting her needs met.

Can I ask you?    When she abuses you, insults you, hits you?    What do you do?   How do you respond?

Learning the skills and tools to cope with a mental illness is not easy.    None of us understood what was going on when we first got here.     Understanding what we were dealing with and how to respond does help.   

I am glad you are here with us.   

'ducks

[childhoodgone]

Thank you very much for being warm and welcoming.

She was considered the most beautiful girl in her high school and she was admired for her beauty, why
would she fear that she is not good enough?

This is a good question you asked:

"Can I ask you?    When she abuses you, insults you, hits you?    What do you do?   How do you respond?"

When she insults me, I usually do not respond.
But it hurts me and it makes me feel bad. It is stressfull and anxiety inducing.

Other times I respond rationally and logically and I prove with rational arguments, for example
when she screams at me "Analphabet idiot, you stink!" I explain that it would be hard for me
have my job, my university studies that I completed and the very wellpaid career that I have, if I would be
an "Analphabet idiot" and also that nobody ever told me anything like that in my life.
So I explain and defend myself. It doesn't work.

Whenever she often falls in this negative spirals, I have found nothing that can get her out,
except the passing of the time, although it can last for constant waves of negativity for many hours,
and then she storms out and leaves.


When she impulsively hits me, I instantly leave. Sometimes she follows me and screams at me insane things like
 "You cannot leave, because you will do this to other girls!". Last time I left and that was all.

[babyducks]

She was considered the most beautiful girl in her high school and she was admired for her beauty, why
would she fear that she is not good enough?

The simple answer is because it's an illness childhoodgone.    people who have this illness do not process the information of life quite the same way you and I would.     people with BPD have extreme emotions and extreme black and white thinking.      just as you are either the best boyfriend in the world, the greatest person ever or the worst boyfriend in the world, that is how she feels about most things.    things and people are either the most wonderful, or the worst ever.    and that includes herself.     I would take a guess that the sex she enjoys is her way of making her outside events match her inside feelings.

So I explain and defend myself. It doesn't work.

No it wouldn't work.    as odd as this may sound, it's because it's not about the facts,   it not about the rational stuff.    It's all about the feelings.   for a person with BPD feelings equal facts.   for a person with BPD if I feel bad, if I feel ignored, then you, the boyfriend must be doing something wrong.

simply put:   people with BPD have intense emotions about everything and the strong belief that those feelings are caused by external events.

[Radcliff]

You have described some rather serious incidents of physical abuse from her.  The first priority is to firmly establish your safety.  Do you live together?

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi childhoodgone,

The behaviors and obsessions of your girlfriend are very troubling. I can understand how hard it can be once you have entered a relationship to know what to do when you encounter such extreme behaviors. We are often naturally trusting and think the person will see reason and maybe even stop doing such things. Her obsessions and emotional extremes appear to be very dangerous and unhealthy.

Have you been able to work with a therapist in your area to help you with these issues?

I don't doubt she may have tried to get back with the ex, but after she "broke his head with a mobile phone and left him bleeding" he had likely had enough.

Does she ever treat you in kinder ways? Or is she always acting so destructively?

How do you feel about her? How do you feel about being with her? How is your self-esteem doing while in this relationship?

with compassion, pearl.

[childhoodgone]

I would take a guess that the sex she enjoys is her way of making her outside events match her inside feelings.

It's all about the feelings.   for a person with BPD feelings equal facts.   for a person with BPD if I feel bad, if I feel ignored, then you, the boyfriend must be doing something wrong.

simply put:   people with BPD have intense emotions about everything and the strong belief that those feelings are caused by external events.

This is very helpful, and thank you for really helping me understand.

As she went to long ways to deny and got extremely angry agressive and very firm
the times when I reminded her that she should treat her impulsive borderline, I was afraid to even bring the subject.

The problem that I see now, is if  her feelings are "facts", and she keeps on obsessively repeating  very untrue Imagined or very modified
things about the distant past, like for example "you kept me locked in the basement"

(the reality was that we painted together the basement of a house that also had a large garden
communicating directly with it, and one day when it was raining outside, I didn't manage to find for 2 minutes the keys.

So we were both locked in this garden and basement (under the open sky) for 2 minutes. Of course she doesn't say the 2 minutes
part to anybody and that we were both locked and couldn't find the keys

Unfortunately all the people that she talks to and tells them this story obsessively "he kept me locked in basement" she makes it sound
like it was 6 months, not 2 minutes, and she totally ignores all the other details, just in order to paint me as a monster, of course everyone is shocked
and tells her that she should go to the authorities.

Any idea what I can do about this?

She gets attention and care from everyone when she tells this fake "abuse" story, and it destroys my image

[childhoodgone]

You have described some rather serious incidents of physical abuse from her.  The first priority is to firmly establish your safety.  :)o you live together?

WW

At this moment we are in a pause, so no at this moment we don't live together.

but even the simple fact of taking away my mattress few days ago when I moved somewhere else,
caused her to send me hateful messages and call me a "criminal" and that she is sending the authorities to destroy me.

We lived together in different flats and houses all over Europe for the last almost 7 years, and she has always followed me
to every country where my job has taken me.

However her behaviours have continued to get worse and worse over time, she never managed to keep her promises
of not being violent, and her friends and family have become increasingly supportive of her,
because she is really good at painting me to look like some gigantic monster in front of everyone else,
with false abuse stories.

4 years ago we painted the white walls of a garden that was connected also to a garage type of "basement" that had 3 doors.
For 2 minutes I could not find the keys of one door to this complex of under the open sky garden and garage - basement.
So for 2 minutes we were both locked there.

She tells to everybody, to all her friends and family, obsessively "He kept me locked in the basement"
making anyone believe she was locked for 6 months or something like that

never detailing that both of us were there, that we were under the open sky, that it was a huge place, and that I didn't find the keys for 2 minutes
and that was all

It is easy to see how alone if it would be only this false accusation "He kept me locked in the basement"
affects my image, my reputation and my life

But there are hundreds of other insane things like this

[childhoodgone]

http://Roughly 5% - 10% of the time, she treats me almost with maternal instinct, which I never had experienced in my life.

The few times when she insisted to wash me herself in the shower, to kiss me before falling asleep, to cover me in bed,
are the things that at this moment bring tears in my eyes.

These rare but good positive moments she calls me very cute petnames, tells me the stories of what hapenned at her work,
makes plans for our future, asks me "what other geniuses ideas do you have (my petname)?"
or that I sing the most beautiful songs in the world

Also she tells me stuff like "I love you the most in the world my sweet (petname)" (this she did 1 or 2 this year)

I have my eyes drowning in tears right now, realizing that I feel loved mainly when the girlfriend treats me like a loving mother that I never had

[Enabler]

She gets attention and care from everyone when she tells this fake "abuse" story, and it destroys my image

Hey Childhoodgone,

And that's exactly why she tells the stories.

Have you had a chance to read about the Karpman Drama Triangle? This is a good article with explains how the dynamic works:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Sometimes we actively participate in the drama triangle and sometimes our pwBPD moves us around the triangle via their delusional thoughts (the basement). She is likely firmly in the victim spot, you have been placed in the perpetrator spot and the friends act as emotional rescuers. There's very little you can do about being placed in the perpetrator spot in this case where the facts are actually delusional. I often look back at my own relationship and see that the times when we had the most connection were when my W had someone else (or thing) placed as a perpetrator and I was her rescuer. I often played along with her delusions of being victimised just to get that connection. Do you attempt to correct the narrative by 'telling her' the facts? I wonder if there's a better way for you to ask her to clarify the facts, get her to unwrap her own delusion. Rather than telling her she is wrong, allow her to work that our herself.

The feeling of entrapment and imprisonment is very very common given that a pwBPD feels that nothing, even their own emotions are in their control.

Enabler

[childhoodgone]

She becomes very agressive and violent when I try to say about that year that we spent in beautiful exotic country that look at our photos
how happy you looked and how we went in all these exotic places and you were dancing on the beach and jumping in the water
and you were so happy. She did not even look at the photos when I sent her.
because the only one thing that she wants to obsessively repeat is "you locked me in the basement" and "you are a monster for what you did to me"
although it has zero connection with reality.

But what bewilders me very much is how she finds something that I truly hate, (for example icecold hands on my stomach bare skin)
and then she tris to do only that , what I hate, non stop fopr even months, begging me to let her do it, that it makes her happy to do that,
and she chooses often exactly what she notices that I dislike the most.

I cannot understand it. Why she actively searches for what makes me hurt, feel bad and attacked, only to repeteadly do it?

[Enabler]

She wants you to feel as bad as she feels... .and internally she feels pretty bad about herself. In fact (and I use that word loosely) she's felt so bad for so long (probably since early teens) and thinks about that bad feeling constantly. Her only escape is to share the misery.

I noted on one of your other threads that she liked to insert things in you... .to make you feel what it's like to be raped. Although you say she faked a rape claim, do you know of any sexual abuse when she was younger?

Stopping her from doing things to you, your body, your time and your money is NOT WRONG. She may claim that you are wrong for not letting her do these things / protecting yourself but this is part of the disorder. pwBPD often like to have complete control over their partners, this serves a couple of purposes, complete controls means you wont abandon her, complete control means you will serve her NEEDS. Often it feels like we are just an extension of them where they have minimal consideration of our personal and emotional needs. Sufferers often come across as very narcissistic since their primary focus is survival and meeting their own emotional and practical needs. As the 'non' (person without the disorder) we often struggle to say "NO", "STOP" or "I'M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THAT", since their reaction is one that implies we don't love them, we're abusing them, we're harming them. it takes a lot of personal clarity (which is very difficult when you have been on the emotional rollercoaster for so long) to draw the line (boundary) and stick to it. This is why people often refer to pwBPD as "Boundary bashers".

What do you feel are the primary things you need to change in the relationship?

 

[childhoodgone]

I am very grateful, your help is immense, the fact that you care and you are empathetic in helping me
means extremely much to me now.

I am affected by all what she does and has torn apart my life, and made me look 15 years older than I was before I met her.

Now it makes sense, why she would always only focus on the evil, dark, bad side of everything,
saying constantly that "love, positive thinking, positive messages" are all just total brainless manipulative crap that
is very "kitsch"

I protected myself when she tried to forcefully insert things in me, yes she did say once or twice that a school colleague
that was her age also, put his hand in her panties at some 6th grade late party, but I have no idea about the truth behind it,
I would say there is a higher than 50% probability that it is partly true.while doing targeted prostitution, because she had
unprotected sex with different faithful clients of prostitutes),
because she got "sick and tired" of everyone thinking she is a "beautiful and good princess", to prove that she is not
(this is how she explained it) and then said that this was a important fantasy for her (being a prostitute)
that she had to fulfill.

I am not sure how I would be able to change anything, if basically all the time I am to blame for everything (for the roads that are
not very good, for the cars that cross like crazy, for the imperfect healthcare system, etc) and she is just a constant "victim"

[pearlsw]

I have my eyes drowning in tears right now, realizing that I feel loved mainly when the girlfriend treats me like a loving mother that I never had

Hi childhoodgone,

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so sad!

Is it okay if I ask about your mother? Did you lose her or she was unable to raise you... .or? Did you really lose your childhood somehow?

I am sorry that you did not have a maternal figure. I did not have one for a big part of my life. There is certainly something missing when we do not have our parents.

So, about 5-10% of the time she treats you in ways that make you feel good?

I wanted to pick up on something else you said earlier. She has told you to jump from a bridge for her? Did she want you to die? Was she pushing you to commit suicide? Does she often pressure you to do dangerous things?

Also, would you say that she is pressuring you into sexual acts that you do not want to engage in?

I hope this isn't too many questions at once! Just take your time and tell us what you want to at your own pace.

with deep compassion, pearl.

[babyducks]

hi childhoodgone,

I answered your other thread before I read this one... .I should have read both of them before I answered.   Let me take another swing at it.

Unfortunately all the people that she talks to and tells them this story obsessively "he kept me locked in basement" she makes it sound like it was 6 months, not 2 minutes, and she totally ignores all the other details, just in order to paint me as a monster, of course everyone is shocked and tells her that she should go to the authorities.

Any idea what I can do about this?

Enabler gave you some good ideas.    let me try to expand on them.

and she is just a constant "victim"

Right !   she is the constant victim.   that's the spot on the drama triangle where she feels most comfortable.    being the victim is where she feels most at home.    you don't want to feed the drama with a person this emotional.    you don't want to rescue,... you don't want to put any more energy into the drama.   when the role stops 'paying off' for her in attention and care she will move to something else.

does that make sense?

so how do you not put any more energy into this drama?    when it comes up be deliberately low key.   don't justify.    don't argue.   don't debate.   don't explain.   "oh that again?  we've talked about that, and I see it very differently than you do".    don't try and convince her of your reality.     don't provide an audience.   don't give her an outlet to dump her negative feelings.   if some one other than her comes to you with the story, again stay deliberately low key... .shrug it off.   "oh that story... .boy that's really grown bigger with the retelling of it".

the more you defend, explain, justify the more energy you give to it,... .the more you fuel the fire... .

'ducks

[Enabler]

[quote author=childhoodgone link=topic=326666.msg12980547#msg12980547
I am not sure how I would be able to change anything, if basically all the time I am to blame for everything... .and she is just a constant "victim"
[/quote]

Here's the thing, YOU cannot change anything. All you can do is change the way you respond to her behaviour. YOU can SHOW her there is a better way, a more rewarding way, however, you cannot change her perception that she is a victim. Maybe she is a victim, of someone or something, I doubt very much whether it's a boy touching her up at the end of high school... .either way, this is something SHE has to CHOOSE to address, at the moment she is CHOOSING not to address it and instead piling her pain and anger onto you.

this sounds like a very very complicated situation with a lot of moving parts. This ball of string can only be unravelled by a very trained professional. There are no short cuts and it will more than likely involve a lot of emotional pain getting to a point of acceptance. In a way us non's help prevent our pwBPD from reaching the absolute low in their lives required to do the work to heal. We become an excuse for their bad behavior.

From what you have written it seems like your partner feels like she is 'bad' in her fantasy therefore attempts to make reality match that fantasy. "I am bad therefore I will do bad things".

Who made her feel bad?

[livednlearned]

childhoodgone, I'm so glad you reached out and shared what you've been going through.

At this moment we are in a pause, so no at this moment we don't live together.

This is probably safest for now. Did you make the decision to separate because of the knife incident?

It sounds like you two have split up and gotten back together before.

What usually happens after a split? How do you usually get back together?

You're not alone friend. You have friends here that understand what you're going through. We are here to walk with you.

Are you doing ok living on your own at the moment? Sometimes when we live in high drama all the time, there is a period of relief (safety) followed by a lot of discomfort at being on our own.

I'm glad you are safe right now.

She probably will not call the authorities, altho you may already know that (based on past experience). Sometimes, threats create enough impact that there is no need to act on them. She must know how her words affect you, and realizes there is no need to follow through on those words because the words alone create a reaction that is satisfying enough. Like babyducks and Enabler and others have said, she wants you to feel how she feels (which is terrible).

How long does she usually wait before contacting you after a separation?

LnL

[childhoodgone]

Hi childhoodgone,

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so sad!

Is it okay if I ask about your mother? Did you lose her or she was unable to raise you... .or? Did you really lose your childhood somehow?

I am sorry that you did not have a maternal figure. I did not have one for a big part of my life. There is certainly something missing when we do not have our parents.

So, about 5-10% of the time she treats you in ways that make you feel good?

I wanted to pick up on something else you said earlier. She has told you to jump from a bridge for her? Did she want you to die? Was she pushing you to commit suicide? Does she often pressure you to do dangerous things?

Also, would you say that she is pressuring you into sexual acts that you do not want to engage in?

I hope this isn't too many questions at once! Just take your time and tell us what you want to at your own pace.

with deep compassion, pearl.

My gf said sometimes things about death like "you will die" and then when asked why she said that, she said "you must understand that, because you don't understand that everyone dies"
and continued with "think how your mother is dying" and stuff like this.

It hapenned in maybe 3 - 5 days  such discussions.

She watches very many horror movies, she is attracted to horror movies.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mother was very very controlling, she took away all the time everything that she noticed that I like (any collections I ever made, any books I ever loved, etc) and throw everything I loved away
every single time she had the chance.

She was very much against the beautiful girlfriends that I liked the most, if I really liked one of my girlfriends she would simply go to her and scare her and have a fight with her,
 and constantly  telling me how I should give more chances to the girlfriends that I disliked
and for which I felt absolutely nothing.

My mother always criticized everything and raised me in constant fights and conflicts with the other people. She has been always very negative and has a very negative view of the world.

My mother has been acting so angry like she was possesed few times.

So whenever a girl showed me even for few days real care about me, carressing me,
bathing me, washing me,
or buying me gifts, that moves me to tears, immensely.

I have no idea how or where I can heal my maternal needs - I know if such a service
would exist, I would be their most faithful client.

[pearlsw]

Hi childhoodgone,

I am sorry to hear about these issues with your mother. It sounds like this relationship has left you very vulnerable in some ways, would you agree?

Can you also please tell us more about "the pause" you are on with your girlfriend?

Who or what initiated the pause? Are there any terms of the pause? (Is it for a set amount of time? Or you will see how it goes)

Why did you make a pause? What are you hoping to have happen during this time away from each other?

Are you gathering information because you are conflicted about being with her? Are you holding out hope she will change in some way that would make it possible to be together in the future?

with compassion, pearl.

[Radcliff]

childhoodgone, you are getting some remarkable support from pearlsw, babyducks, Enabler, and livednlearned.  They are some of our most experienced, insightful members, and it's great to see them rallying around you.  You deserve to get to a better place!

Do you see similarities in what you experienced with your mom and what you  experienced with your girlfriend?

The pause is a very good idea.  With some support during this pause, you can build your strength and confidence and be able to make choices about what kind of treatment you deserve from others.  How did the pause happen?  Did you decide it was time for a pause?

WW

[childhoodgone]

You're not alone friend. You have friends here that understand what you're going through. We are here to walk with you.

Are you doing ok living on your own at the moment?

She wants you to feel how she feels (which is terrible)

My mother destroyed my childhood by NEVER ALLOWING ME A SINGLE HAPPY MOMENT EVER.
While subjecting me to total control, pain, beatings, total removal of everything I ever liked. I am sad
for what my mother did to me, rising me without any love, only to escape when I was over 20 years old
and see outside around the happiness and love that other real people were sharing between themselves.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am not doing ok living on my own at this moment.

I think I have severe depression, lack of sleep, terrible disintegration nightmares, and a kind of fear of being alone.

It is like my body tells me "it is better close to the "devil" that you know", the devil being the gf... .

It may be it's a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome, but the lack of what I was used to for the last years every day,
it makes me not recognize my body and my mind.

Now I remember how many times she was asking me "Where are my slaves?" at which she was happy with
hearing the answer from me: "I am your slave"

And tears roll from my eyes unstoppable again

[pearlsw]

Now I remember how many times she was asking me "Where are my slaves?" at which she was happy with
hearing the answer from me: "I am your slave"

And tears roll from my eyes unstoppable again

Hi childhoodgone,

It is definitely not easy to cope with abusive behaviors towards us. How did you feel being so dominated by her, your girlfriend? This language she used with you sounds very dehumanizing.

Forgive me, you have many threads going, I know I've asked, but it is not clear to me, what is the nature of the pause you are on? Who paused it and why?

I know it is not easy to adjust to living alone if you're used to having someone around. It can be very quiet and lonely.

Depression is treatable. Do you have access to medical care? I strongly urge you to seek help with this as it can make a world of difference in terms of clearing up your thinking and helping you function better.

Insomnia is treatable too. 

What do you mean by disintegration nightmares? Do you have trouble feeling like you exist at times? Do you have any kind of flashbacks from how she physically abused you?

Okay, and if you feel like you have some symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome this is also something important to talk about. Are you wanting to more fully detach from her? Is that what this pause is about for you? What do you think would be the most healthy thing for you? Being close with her or further detaching?

In terms of being alone are there things you could do to be among people? I am very isolated too, but once a week I am in the city and I at least see people and on other days I pay for online language lessons so I can hear/talk to people. It is not so personal, but it does help me a lot with fighting the isolation.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[childhoodgone]

Okay, and if you feel like you have some symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome this is also something important to talk about. Are you wanting to more fully detach from her? Is that what this pause is about for you? What do you think would be the most healthy thing for you? Being close with her or further detaching?

In terms of being alone are there things you could do to be among people? I am very isolated too, but once a week I am in the city and I at least see people and on other days I pay for online language lessons so I can hear/talk to people. It is not so personal, but it does help me a lot with fighting the isolation.

wishing you peace, pearl.

Pearl you are a good person and you help immensely people.

I am afraid that my depression tells me that because I did not satisfy her expectations and her requests of hard brutal sex,

because of being afraid of new infections,

she had entirely replaced me with someone strong who goes to gym everyday, who can give / probably gives hard brutal sex,

and after 7 years of living everyday with her, this new world being so alone is terrifying.

If this situation is true, how do I survive?

[pearlsw]

I am afraid that my depression tells me that because I did not satisfy her expectations and her requests of hard brutal sex, because of being afraid of new infections, she had entirely replaced me with someone strong who goes to gym everyday, who can give / probably gives hard brutal sex,

and after 7 years of living everyday with her, this new world being so alone is terrifying.

Hi again childhoodgone,

Thank you. We all just want to offer you the support we can here! You are not alone!

It is natural to want to please our partners sexually. Where this becomes problematic is if by "pleasing them" we are ourselves being disrespected, abused, mistreated, or reduced in any way. That is one thing to think about here. A healthy partner would not be asking you to do things that would be making you feel bad. Did she ask how you felt? Do you understand how you felt, aside from the just trying to please her part?

Is it hard to even think about how you could have sex that was what you wanted? Was it all about just pleasing her, her demands towards you? Does your pleasure derive from only pleasing her?

I would say, and I know this is not easy to grasp, but you are not in competition with all the other guys she may find out there in the world to give her "brutal sex".

And I want to be clear about this, as I am guessing English is not your native language, but... .do you really, literally mean "brutal sex"? Is this the best translation you have for the word/idea you have in mind? When I hear "brutal" I want to ask, does she want the sex to be at such a heightened level that it is akin to something like rape every time? Is she asking you to physically hurt her?

I can imagine that it must be extremely difficult to be alone - was the pause your choice? May I ask directly, what do you want from a relationship? Is that something you have ever been able to think about? Is that a hard question to even contemplate? You and having your needs met via a relationship?

with deep compassion, pearl.