Mom Becoming Ward of the County

[Harri]

   

Well, I knew you would do what you did and i bet you rolled your eyes at me too.   

Yes, we have assimilated you.  It's a good thing (cue Martha Stewart)

Glad to hear you are doing okay.  I think whatever you feel would be okay though. 

[Turkish]

I received another notice from the court today I'm not looking for validation of my feeelings  (hours that for passive-aggressive  ) just posting to continue to tell the story of it helps anyone.

"Ms. [Turkish mom] is 76 years old and no longer able to provide for her personal daily needs for food,  clothing, and shelter or manage her finances."

I'm going to be honest here and all sarcasm aside. I paused for a few minutes crying... .wolves don't cry, except when they do. 

"A Capacity Declaration submitted herewith for filing indicates that age has dementia.  She has no family or friends willing or able [FOG] to provide the level of care [Turkish Mom] requires on a day to day basis.  She is currently residing in a skilled care nursing facility in  [City]. Her son supports the petition for Conservatorship."

All of this was so unnecessary.  Like my ex.  Even making half my salary.  We could have been a powerhouse and done so well even on the bay area.  But you can't control others who are independent entities free to make their own choices. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Turkish  (We are the PSI collective.)

I'm not looking for validation of my feeelings

Sure you're not (You will be assimilated.)

just posting to continue to tell the story of it helps anyone.

That's very considerate of you  (Resistance is futile.)

"Ms. [Turkish mom] is 76 years old and no longer able to provide for her personal daily needs for food,  clothing, and shelter or manage her finances."
……
"A Capacity Declaration submitted herewith for filing indicates that age has dementia.  She has no family or friends willing or able [FOG] to provide the level of care [Turkish Mom] requires on a day to day basis.  She is currently residing in a skilled care nursing facility in  [City]. Her son supports the petition for Conservatorship."

Seeing this on paper is quite confronting. You already knew it, but now it's on paper it's like it's really official, for you but also for the whole world. I can see how this could trigger some strong emotions in you and also flashbacks of days gone by.

I can imagine that the part "She has no family or friends willing or able", is particularly hard as well considering you did so much for her even taking her in, and in fact continue to be there for by caring from a distance, visiting her from time to time and handling all these phone calls.

Sadly, that she is in this situation, is a direct result of her own behavior. Having said that, I am also very much aware of her own personal history you have shared with us. It is also very clear that her behavior is at least partly very much a result of some of the traumatic experiences she had.

Take care Turkish



The Board Parrot is also crying for you:
When Parrots Cry

[Turkish]

Thanks Parrot! That link was kind of disturbing.  I didn't know Parrots could be so emotive, present company excluded.   

[Kwamina]

You're welcome my wolf friend  (Assimilation complete.)

Yes, I was doing the 'ugly' cry. I am doing ok now though, still screaming but that's because I haven't had breakfast yet. After that I should be good

[Harri]

Good morning Turkish.    <--- I can do that thanks to the Parrot paving the way!  We are going to gather around you even if you think you don't need it.   

It is a sad situation, heartbreaking really.  I am glad you let yourself cry and shared it here.  Yes, others will be helped, but so will you.

Kwamina said everything so well, I won't even attempt to add to it.  Well, except for one thing:

That was a form letter you received.  Letters like that are written in a way that reduces a lifetime to make it fit into organized little boxes regardless of reality.  It is not truly reflective of the situation, the man you are or the woman your mother is/was.  I know that does not make it any easier and it does not make the sadness go away though because the sadness is about more than just the letter.  There is a finality to the situation now.   

That said, I would want to re-write it to be a more accurate summary of what happened.  Not for them but for me.  I would include things like 'I did everything within my power' and 'Mama Turkish behaved in ways that made it impossible for me to continue as it was not just a risk to me but also to my kids'.

Again, I don't think doing the above will make it hurt less, but it would be a more accurate representation of what happened and maybe a good way to process the hurt.

<passes along the box of tissues>

[Learning2Thrive]

Quoting Harri:

That said, I would want to re-write it to be a more accurate summary of what happened.  Not for them but for me.  I would include things like 'I did everything within my power' and 'Mama Turkish behaved in ways that made it impossible for me to continue as it was not just a risk to me but also to my kids'.

I think this is the true tragedy for us PSI kids. Suffering all our young lives at their hands, suffering through young adulthood to find our own selves, then struggling desperately to make peace with the end of their choosing. In our hearts we know it’s not the way we want things to go.

All the suffering is so unnecessary. But it is their choice. In the end, you allowed her the dignity of her own suffering. It is/was her choice. She made it, even if she was sick. You honored her and her ability to choose. That takes strength and compassion.

Sending you much love, young Turkish. You are awesome. You are so loved and needed by your wolfpack. And your family here. We value your experiences, perspective and wolfish wisdom. 

  L2T

[Turkish]

I got another court packet today,  this time my email. 

The investigator described my mom as not understanding the proceedings. My mom would engage, then wander off. The CI described my mom as kind of engaging, crying, then wandering off, distracted, which is how my mom was when wet visited her a month ago.  She was happy to see us,  cried, but distracted. Only part of her understands.  It's very sad... .

I replied that it was similar to when me and my kids visited her she then I said that it was sad on that my mom had a life long struggle with depression and PTSD. I kicked myself for volunteering that to someone from the court even if it's true.  I'm looking for validation when I should be playing 100% logical with the court system.

[Harri]

I'm looking for validation when I should be playing 100% logical with the court system.

There is nothing wrong with wanting validation, especially if you recognize the limits of the court system.

Only part of her understands.  It's very sad... .

Yes.