My relationship with my BPxh is extremely confusing because sometimes he is normal, its a bit like an alcoholic who is sometimes sober and sometimes out of their mind.
Why is he so conflicted about me? what is this love / hate?
In every relationship, you have things you love and things you don't love about the partner. But you kinda meld them all together and accept the overall. But the black-and-white thinking gets you in a BPD relationship. To some extent, you're either all good or all bad in their minds, and it can change in a moment.
Unless there's a real turnaround in the thinking, you may eventually become "all bad." Everything you do and say will be scrutinized for "all bad" too.
To reconcile, they may want you to become "all good" in terms of their criteria. Needless to say, that isn't humanly going to happen.
This is why marriage/family counsellors won't do couples counselling with BPD folks until both have gone to individual counselling. For both partners, there has to be a positive view of each other and a willingness to accept the not-so-good parts and work towards something better, but of course imperfect.
Any couple that has separated has a lot to work through. Expecting no hurt feelings and complete turn around after separation is impossible.