Where do I go from here? All the promises of a future taken away.

[RealiT]

Let me preface this by saying my ex has not, to my knowledge, been diagnosed with BPD. However, after lurking these forums and others, while also researching Narcissistic abuse and the BPD relationship cycle, I have come to this conclusion based on many noticeable similarities. Now, let's start.

I met this girl on Tinder; the only photos she had posted were selfies (red flag, obviously) and she was enthralled with the idea of losing her virginity to me. At the time, I was just about to turn 21 and she about to turn 22. I thought it was odd, but hey, it's tinder. I was trying to get laid here, as shallow as that sounds.

Originally, she made numerous excuses as to why we couldn't meet in person, until she finally agreed to go see a movie with me after a week or two of talking. She was incredibly shy, could barely communicate effectively, and was always on her phone (another red flag). She had never kissed anyone before (not sure whether I believe any of it at this point) and our first date ended with me kissing her. She was very cute and sweet. She constantly texted me all the time, but she said she didn't want anything serious, as she had just gotten out of a 2 1/2 year LDR. She lived about 20 minutes away and we both worked full time, so I only saw her a few times a week usually. After a month of this, (we had sex like the 4th date, I believe), she said she didn't want to just be friends with benefits anymore and she wanted a relationship. I was still getting over another girl at the time, but I reluctantly agreed.

Originally, all she could talk about was her emotionally abusive ex. She seemed exceptionally vulnerable, and my co-dependency kicked into high gear. I wanted to save her from these abusers, show her that I could be the kind hearted guy she needed in her life. She seemed like the picture of innocence. But there were signs that this was not gonna go down very well for me.

3 months in - she goes through my phone and calls me out for having other girls pictures on it. I never look through my gallery, so I honestly had no idea. This pissed me off a great deal, and I told her not to go through my phone again. I saw the red flags of lack of empathy and complete lack of accountability, but I chalked it up to her just being immature, as she still lived with her parents and this was her first tangible relationship. She also bought me very expensive gifts and promised me a car that she had in reserve, as mine was/is a piece of garbage. She tells me she loves me and wants to be together forever. She didn't want kids, but she said she wouldn't mind having one with me. I was in heaven. She was smart, cute, and loved me. I thought that's all I would ever need.

6 months in - she's always chronically late and it's never her fault. But the sex is amazing. She goes through my phone again and yells at me, prompting me to break up with her. Her response to this? She drives to my house and doesn't stop crying until I hold her. I asked her to apologize and never do it again; she did. The constant jealousy remained, though. I continued to pour all my emotion and attention into this black hole of a relationship.

8 months in - She deletes one of my closest girl friends off of my Facebook and blocks my ex. She constantly accuses me of cheating on her, even though I would never even entertain the thought. She constantly tells me she loves me. She guilt trips me for having sex with someone else before I even met her. She says I'm still hung up on my ex (who I dated for a month). I break up with her again and tell her to come get all the gifts she bought me. I don't remember how we made up after that, but we did. I tossed a shirt at her, and she acted like I just fired a gun. She used this as a primary reason for our break up, 6 months later.

She also convinced me to get off my anti-depressants at this point because I wasn't "showing enough emotion."

She needed CONSTANT attention. It drove me insane, especially since when we were together, she was always on her phone and ignoring me. But I thought, this girl really is in love with me, so I should tolerate this. She'll learn that she is the only one for me.

10 months in - I'm back in school and working at the same time, perpetually exhausted. She constantly nags me that I'm not texting her enough. I fall into depression and start smoking weed every day to escape the constant state of inadequacy she thrust upon me. I start playing video games and escaping reality, effectively ignoring her. I had a lot of problems that she just never seemed to care about. It was always about her. How everyone else sucks. She was on her 3rd job since I'd known her at this point. She nags me for drinking a beer or two at dinner. She refuses to talk to my friends whatsoever, despite my insistence. She comes with me to a Friendsgiving event and she claims one of my friends pushed her. I knew this wasn't true. She had also said other things about my friends I knew weren't true... .I have since learned that this is called "gaslighting."

12 months in - this will primarily focus on my last two encounters with her. The second to last encounter, I knew something was wrong. We had sex, but she asked me to use a condom. She never wanted me to use one before, but she claimed it had something to do with her birth control. Yikes. We have sex and she leaves shortly thereafter. The very last time I saw her, she pushed me away entirely. She wouldn't look me in the eyes. I tried to kiss her and she turned her head. I was breaking inside at this point; I thought this was the girl I would spend my life with. She then snaps at me and tells me that I never take her anywhere, though this had never been an issue before. I stared at the wall and realized it was all coming to an end. I thought about breaking it off, but I thought we could fight through it. I cared about her too much at this point to just let it die out.

For the next month, she set me up and knocked me down every week. She never had time for me anymore, despite telling me her day(s) off every week. I texted her daily but she seemed completely disinterested in me. In my mind, I knew she was seeing someone else. I'd ask her point blank numerous times, she denied it. She's still telling me she loves me pretty much every day, but it's not the same. I take a trip to see my mom and during which, she asked for a break. I couldn't believe it. I said we can work through this together, we don't need to separate for this. She agreed. She said if it was meant to be, it's meant to be. (aka it's over)

I get back from my trip and 10 days later I get the break up text.

"I don't have time for this relationship anymore. Love isn't enough anymore."

In shock, I agree. I got drunk that night and texted her, asking how it was so easy to just throw it all away. She begins to assassinate my character completely. I'm a drunk, I manipulate her, I abuse her. All I could do was apologize. She then proceeds to block me on every form of communication.

2 1/2 weeks later, she unblocks me. I'm ecstatic; I'd been sobering up and reading about how to get your ex girlfriend back. I waited for her to make the first move. But then, I think to myself. She blew me off for a month and then hit me with a break up text, despite telling me she loved me just a day or two prior. This doesn't add up.

I go to her Facebook page and click on her profile picture. I look at the reactions, specifically the heart reactions, and go through every single one individually. The final one broke my heart. I click on his name, and she is his cover photo. I go to his instagram, and in his bio is the day they started dating... .10 days prior to our break up. I confront her, show her the evidence. She blocks me again. It's been about a week since then.

The only thing going through my mind is... .WHAT THE F_CK. I can't believe someone who could make all these promises of a future together would just take it all away... .nevermind cheat and lie to me to be with another man. I asked her so many times. I told her that if there was someone else, then just tell me so I can let it die. I was never given that privilege.

I'm starting to get a grip on myself, but it's been such a torturous experience. My head swims with regret, I think of all the things I should have done better... .but she's still a liar and a cheat. I love her, but I can't take her back. Can I?

Will she come back? That's the scariest thought, to me. What do I say? How do I cope with being discarded so viciously and coldly? Why do I want her back?

Where do I go from here?

[Mutt]

Hi Realit,

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this a break-up with a pwBPD ( I'll use your words ) is a tortuous ordeal it's very difficult to be need deep and pain and see our exes move on without skipping a beat.

I'm starting to get a grip on myself, but it's been such a torturous experience. My head swims with regret, I think of all the things I should have done better... .but she's still a liar and a cheat. I love her, but I can't take her back. Can I?

Will she come back? That's the scariest thought, to me. What do I say? How do I cope with being discarded so viciously and coldly? Why do I want her back?

Where do I go from here?

I can understand that it's confusing navigating through this, you're probably familiar with some of our articles, I advised to read them there is a lot great information that will guide you, I also suggest creating threads and joining threads from fellow members you'll be able to relate with a lot of their stories too. I think that a good place to start may be to decide if you're done with the r/s?

[Harley Quinn]

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you to the site.  I'm sorry that you're going through such pain and turmoil.  You're in the right place to work through this.  I can hear the uncertainty in the end of your post and that's to be expected after such a bumpy ride.  We understand here what that is like. 

My head swims with regret, I think of all the things I should have done better... .but she's still a liar and a cheat. I love her, but I can't take her back. Can I?

Will she come back? That's the scariest thought, to me. What do I say? How do I cope with being discarded so viciously and coldly? Why do I want her back?

Where do I go from here?

 

Are you scared she comes back or scared that she doesn't?

Mutt is right that reading the information on this site is a great starting point as whilst there is a lot out there on the internet, the material here is all from reliable sources.

Any heartbreak is difficult, but the loaded bond formed in a BPD r/s compounds the loss and really takes it to another level.  You're not alone with this.  The members of this board are all in various stages of healing from just that.  If you decide that you wish to try again, we can support you on the Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup board, where there are tools to help you with that. 

When did you last have any communication with her?

Love and light x 

[sdyakca]

Dear RealiT, I would be ecstatic and completely grateful if I were you. Grateful the craziness showed up so soon and you didn't burn a decade or two creating a horrible house of cards or a child with this person. So count it a gift, 12 and out and no child support or spousal support (you're a lucky guy). There are more than 3B women on the planet, now go find a great one. Wishing you all the best... .

[RealiT]

I genuinely appreciate you guys for responding, thank you. I know I over did the OP, didn't realize how much I wrote until I posted it.

Hi Realit,

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this a break-up with a pwBPD ( I'll use your words ) is a tortuous ordeal it's very difficult to be need deep and pain and see our exes move on without skipping a beat.

I can understand that it's confusing navigating through this, you're probably familiar with some of our articles, I advised to read them there is a lot great information that will guide you, I also suggest creating threads and joining threads from fellow members you'll be able to relate with a lot of their stories too. I think that a good place to start may be to decide if you're done with the r/s?

Thanks for the welcome! Yeah, I have read a bunch of different threads on here pertaining to my situation and some of the intro articles as well. This place is as great a resource as I could hope for.

That is a good question... .I hadn't thought about it being my decision to make, seeing as its already over. At this point, I don't believe I could ever be with someone who willingly chose to leave me for someone else. It makes every word she ever said seem so empty. I can't trust her even thought I love her completely. It's a struggle between the mind and the emotion, but the emotions are starting to die down, luckily.

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you to the site.  I'm sorry that you're going through such pain and turmoil.  You're in the right place to work through this.  I can hear the uncertainty in the end of your post and that's to be expected after such a bumpy ride.  We understand here what that is like. 
 

Are you scared she comes back or scared that she doesn't?

Mutt is right that reading the information on this site is a great starting point as whilst there is a lot out there on the internet, the material here is all from reliable sources.

Any heartbreak is difficult, but the loaded bond formed in a BPD r/s compounds the loss and really takes it to another level.  You're not alone with this.  The members of this board are all in various stages of healing from just that.  If you decide that you wish to try again, we can support you on the Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup board, where there are tools to help you with that. 

When did you last have any communication with her?

Love and light x 

Thank you for your welcoming!

To answer your first question, I am deathly afraid of her returning... .if I still feel like I do right now. It's easy enough to move on when I'm blocked from contacting her and I know she cheated on me, lied to me, and left me for someone else. As I stated above, though... .the mind vs emotion war is a difficult one for me to overcome at the moment. I'm healing, for sure. Though if she were to reach out in the near future, I don't know if I'd be able to stick to my guns. Fortunately, she's in the honeymoon phase with this new guy, so even if she did reach out afterward, it wouldn't be for another couple months and I think I'll be over it by then.

I last had communication with her about a week and a half ago. It was a few days after she unblocked me, the day I found out she was already with someone else and before I knew about any of this BPD stuff. It was a brief conversation... .I told her I knew she dated someone behind my back and that I was wrong for trusting her so completely. Then I relayed the evidence after she played dumb. This was followed by another blocking, which is still active.

Dear RealiT, I would be ecstatic and completely grateful if I were you. Grateful the craziness showed up so soon and you didn't burn a decade or two creating a horrible house of cards or a child with this person. So count it a gift, 12 and out and no child support or spousal support (you're a lucky guy). There are more than 3B women on the planet, now go find a great one. Wishing you all the best... .

I appreciate your response! Yeah, it's starting to dawn on me that this was doomed from the start. I ignored so many red flags to get to this point. If she could just outright leave me for someone else without discussing anything, lie and cheat, and break up with me in a text... .that's not someone I want to be with.

Thanks for the well wishes, I wish the same for you!

[Mutt]

Hi RealiT,

I like your username by the way.

Ihadn't thought about it being my decision to make, seeing as its already over. At this point, I don't believe I could ever be with someone who willingly chose to leave me for someone else.

Sometimes we line for our exes and want them back or often the first breakup is not the final break up. It sounds like she crossed a boundary with you good for you for sticking up for your values.

[Harley Quinn]

I am deathly afraid of her returning... .if I still feel like I do right now. It's easy enough to move on when I'm blocked from contacting her and I know she cheated on me, lied to me, and left me for someone else. As I stated above, though... .the mind vs emotion war is a difficult one for me to overcome at the moment. I'm healing, for sure. Though if she were to reach out in the near future, I don't know if I'd be able to stick to my guns.

Thanks for clarifying.  So, what can you do to help yourself whilst she is not in contact and what do you think you could plan to do if she does reach out in the near future?  Having no contact through her choice is OK as an interim measure, but relying on her not getting in touch to be able to detach is a risky business.  Likelihood is that she knows as much and if she wants to reconnect with a view to potentially recycling in the future, she may decide to reach out sooner than you imagine.  I'd be tempted to consider your available options. 

Hopefully other members will jump in with what they have done to combat this scenario.

Love and light x

[RealiT]

Hi RealiT,

I like your username by the way.

Sometimes we line for our exes and want them back or often the first breakup is not the final break up. It sounds like she crossed a boundary with you good for you for sticking up for your values.

I doubt she'll try to get in touch anyway, to be honest. I feel like the fact that she knows that I know about the other guy should be enough to keep me split black. Either way, though, it just feels like I wasted a year of my life.

Thanks for clarifying.  So, what can you do to help yourself whilst she is not in contact and what do you think you could plan to do if she does reach out in the near future?  Having no contact through her choice is OK as an interim measure, but relying on her not getting in touch to be able to detach is a risky business.  Likelihood is that she knows as much and if she wants to reconnect with a view to potentially recycling in the future, she may decide to reach out sooner than you imagine.  I'd be tempted to consider your available options. 

Hopefully other members will jump in with what they have done to combat this scenario.

Love and light x

I'm currently working a lot and taking a couple summer courses, so I'm pretty busy already. I really want to start going to the gym regularly and play guitar routinely as well. I'm coming out of the major depressive phase at this point.

As noted above, I don't believe she will reach out to me whatsoever at this point, though obviously I could be wrong. Thinking she will reach out is keeping me invested in her memory, so I'm trying to just move on with my life now. If she contacts me, I will be succinct. I will tell her never to contact me again.

My heart is still bleeding, but it's more of a needle sized wound versus the original gaping hole that I felt 24/7. Whether she has BPD or not, she was not a good person or a good relationship partner, which is what I have to accept. I invested too much of myself in the relationship, so I'm thinking about getting some therapy to straighten myself out.

[Harley Quinn]

That's a smart decision.  Therapy comes highly recommended around here.  Glad to hear that the bleeding is less now, and that you intend to remain true to your values if she re engages.  You seem to be seeing things clearly for having some time and distance.  What do you think has helped you the most to reach this point of acceptance (or at least working on it)?

Love and light x

[SWLSR]

Hello Real it

If you were like me I was afraid of both that she would come back and that she would not.  She made me miserable but at the time it was all I knew.   When you say you doubt she will come back do not be so sure.  I can tell you I am almost sure she is stalking you and if she sees her chance to jump back in the will.  Is she BPD probably but even if she is not what she has done to you is not acceptable.  So keep healing.

[RealiT]

That's a smart decision.  Therapy comes highly recommended around here.  Glad to hear that the bleeding is less now, and that you intend to remain true to your values if she re engages.  You seem to be seeing things clearly for having some time and distance.  What do you think has helped you the most to reach this point of acceptance (or at least working on it)?

Love and light x

The dichotomy between her words and her actions really helped put things in perspective for me. She told me she wanted to be with me forever so many times, I started to really believe it. I don't trust easily, and this was my first long term relationship, so it hit me like a train. No choice but to let go... .our dreams will never be realized.

Hello Real it

If you were like me I was afraid of both that she would come back and that she would not.  She made me miserable but at the time it was all I knew.   When you say you doubt she will come back do not be so sure.  I can tell you I am almost sure she is stalking you and if she sees her chance to jump back in the will.  Is she BPD probably but even if she is not what she has done to you is not acceptable.  So keep healing.

I am afraid of both, it's true. Either way I think about it, it hurts. I can completely relate to your second sentence, it's all I've known to this point as well.

I've been really paranoid lately and I wouldn't be surprised if she's stalking me either. I'm almost positive I've seen her a couple times over by my work which is like way out of the way of anywhere she would be. I could just be seeing things though, who knows. I'd rather not.

I appreciate the response. I will do my best to continue the process.

[Harley Quinn]

How are things going for you since you last posted?  I saw a quote recently and it brought your thread to mind:

'The truth is not always beautiful, nor beautiful words the truth.' ~ Lao Tzu

It's difficult, and painful to reconcile, but also can be a release once we are able to step back and gain new perspective.  I'm so sorry that this was your first long term r/s.  You could call it baptism by fire.  Did you get yourself therapy lined up?

Love and light x 

[RealiT]

How are things going for you since you last posted?  I saw a quote recently and it brought your thread to mind:

'The truth is not always beautiful, nor beautiful words the truth.' ~ Lao Tzu

It's difficult, and painful to reconcile, but also can be a release once we are able to step back and gain new perspective.  I'm so sorry that this was your first long term r/s.  You could call it baptism by fire.  Did you get yourself therapy lined up?

Love and light x 

Apologies for the exceptionally late response.

That quote is beautiful in a dark way. Reality is a difficult thing to accept sometimes.

I'm doing well, though not as far along with my goals as I originally had hoped, I'm healing. My ex unblocked me on Facebook about a week ago, so I checked out her posts and... .Of course she's claiming I was the cheater who broke her heart. I'm to the point now where I just laugh at the delusion.

I tried to schedule an appointment with one therapist but he wasn't taking any new clients at the time I called. I thought about trying another one but I've been struggling financially and I've been doing well enough emotionally so I have set it aside for now. It is definitely something I will pursue in the near future, though, as it can only benefit me ultimately.

[toomanydogs]

I'm doing well, though not as far along with my goals as I originally had hoped, I'm healing. My ex unblocked me on Facebook about a week ago, so I checked out her posts and... .Of course she's claiming I was the cheater who broke her heart. I'm to the point now where I just laugh at the delusion.

Hi RealiT,
  I want to join everyone else here who has welcomed you to this forum. Your story resonates with me.
  I was with my STBX for nearly 12 years, 10 married. Going through a divorce now and have been since August 2017.
  Re: your ex claiming you were the cheater. It is amazing (and appalling) how pwBPDs can bend (break?) the truth to suit their purpose.
  Mine claimed to his lawyer that we had never consummated the marriage. His lawyer believed him.
  I know that within the BPD spectrum, there is category of "waif," and although my STBX is male, he was (is?) very very good at portraying himself as having been victimized by everyone in his life.
  Like you, when my STBX first left, I couldn't believe the gut-wrenching pain of being abandoned. I'd thought his eyes would be the last thing I'd see when I left this world.  (I'm more of a romantic than I like to admit).
  That pain lessened. Anger helped although I was unable to tap into my anger until about December--so about 4 months after he left.
  I can tell you it gets better. I can also tell you it's hard. Feeling raw, feeling hopeless, feeling emotionally labile--all of that has been part of the healing for me.
  My two grown children are happy my STBX left. They saw only the part of him that's cruel and mean and paranoid. I saw the other parts, like his collecting and binding every last email we'd written to one another.
  I miss the gentle part of him, the loving part of him, but at the end, he was neither gentle nor loving. The longer we were together, the nastier he got. And he was really really nasty.
  Where I'm at now, and where I'm sure you'll get, is gratitude for having known him, for having loved him, and immense immense immense gratitude that he's gone. Like that Kelly Clarkson song, now that he's gone, I can breathe again. And I mean that literally.
  It is highly unlikely that he will ever be well enough to be a fully participating partner in a relationship. After he left, he fell into a "relationship" with a hooker, and after one "date," he was convinced she "loved" him because she'd reduced her rate for him.
  I can almost have compassion for his delusion, but he hurt me so badly that compassion for his situation needs to come from God at this point. I just need continued no contact with my STBX.
  Again, welcome. I shared my story because your story resonated; there's overlap, and I wanted you to know, you will get through this.   
TMD