Anniversaries... How do you go about them?

[braveSun]

I have read some posts on partners/spouses having a hard time around anniversaries with their partner wBPD.  Ours is coming next week, and I am wondering how you all are navigating the ups and downs. Any experiences out there from couples who have succeeded to build nice memories? Or does it all boil down to reducing one's expectations?

Would love to hear stories about other people's experiences in similar situations.

Brave

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[Bright_80]

One of the simplest things I've found to do to have an enjoyable celebration is to do it on a day other than the actual date, whether it's an anniversary or holiday. The emotion of the actual date seems to be a trigger for my pwBPD, but celebrating on the weekend before are after and not overwhelming him with multiple mentions of the significance of the event seems to allow us to enjoy whatever activity we have planned.

Hoping you find a way that works for you!

[braveSun]

One of the simplest things I've found to do to have an enjoyable celebration is to do it on a day other than the actual date, whether it's an anniversary or holiday. 

  I like this idea Bright_80.

Come to think of it, we did enjoy many wonderful times throughout our relationship, and they were usually outside birthdays and anniversaries. We use to talk about it that way. That we didn't do much on the day of, but did celebrate that year by taking a trip, or doing some fun project together.

[pearlsw]

Hi all!

 

Great post question braveSun!

We don't have any. That seems to solve it.

To my surprise my SO mentioned 2 days after the fact that it was our "wedding anniversary" this week. He mentioned this at a wedding, totally clueless this could be hurtful in any way, presumably with full knowledge he neither said or did anything to celebrate it - not just this week, but ever. His about to be married nephew handled it well and said he had enough alcohol for us to celebrate both marriages. That part was pretty funny I must admit.

I only knew it was "our anniversary" because of all the divorce threats he's made and I finally asked (what the exact date was) because I could see this was a big deal to him - the legal part not the "romantic" part. It seemed to have some legal consequences he was pretty freaked out about, though he never told me that until a couple of months ago, he just massively freaked out about it - for years. Also, because of the divorce threats I also found out how long we have been married. I wasn't sure what year it was - it was all a blur. It was never celebrated, never a special or even nice thing. (We actually, funny thing, have two anniversaries - the time we met is what I would consider our "real" anniversary, but that also gets ignored and brushed over every single year. [Insert sad trombone sound].) I paid for the "honeymoon" I think, or most of it, after we "got married". And he made big parts of that suck too, but I digress... .all water under the bridge at this point. (Giant shrug as life goes on... .)

Anyway, my situation doesn't help much here, but as a general principle I say celebrate all you can whenever you can - with or without the other person. Plan and do what makes you happy, assume you can't count on the other person and adjust expectations, and go forward to make your life all it can be.

wishing you love, pearl.

[Bright_80]

Hi all!


Anyway, my situation doesn't help much here, but as a general principle I say celebrate all you can whenever you can - with or without the other person. Plan and do what makes you happy, assume you can't count on the other person and adjust expectations, and go forward to make your life all it can be.

wishing you love, pearl.

I agree, Pearl, celebrate when you can! When it comes to major family holidays, my BPDh and I have a basic agreement that I'm going to go celebrate with my family with our without him. I'd love for him to go, but if it's too stressful (which it usually is), I don't pressure him and I go alone. I know that isn't necessarily an option if you're not in your home country.  Pearl, you've been on my mind a lot. I pray you can enjoy your upcoming vacation (you're taking one by yourself, right?). And, I hope you can be comfortable with whatever decision you're led to make with your pwBPD.

[braveSun]

  We don't have any. That seems to solve it.

... .as a general principle I say celebrate all you can whenever you can - with or without the other person.

    Pearlsw, thanks for sharing. It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one. Our romantic anniversary, she has denied the date I think it was, argued about it enough that I now only have a vague idea of the time of the year it happened. I can recognize it though...    

I like the idea to simply do something to celebrate the moment for myself. Whenever I can, which would also be something like 'that time of the year'.

Joining Bright_80 and wishing you a great vacation this time around.
You deserve it!