my advice would be, see them as they really are

[gilac]

3 and a half months passed since our break up, two months of no contact, more than a month since I saw or heard anything new about her

this is was my relationship with her https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324818.msg12965197#msg12965197

and what happened afterwards (this one will be updated if anything new happens) https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325388.0


So far so good, I'm doing fine, thinking about her or unexpectedly being reminded of her every day. I still dream about her, last two nights I had very vivid dreams of us being together.

However, I do feel far more confident and way way better than month or two ago. I feel I'm detaching from her personality. We live close, but luckily I didn't bump into her for more than a month now and that also helps, but I know that we will bump into each other in our hometown for the holidays for sure.

I want to talk about what helped me the most, or, to be more precise, what is helping me.
The essence of all this is to enter their minds and understand their way of thinking and living their life. Facing the reality. This person in it's core isn't the person I've dated. I was just a reaction to her previous relationship. I wasn't someone special like in any other relationship, neither was she if I look at the big picture. I was just a part of her cycle that once again came to the end. If we didn't end our relationship, I would face the very same outcome sooner or later, that's just how she goes trough her life.
We must accept that, they MUST end things like this. This is their way of life, even if they like it or not. If everything goes well, they will destroy it, and why wouldn't they, that idealization was also their creation. If self harming does not lead to suicide, then this is their suicide. Anything that works well for them, they have a need to kill all of that.

It's sad to think about someone like if they are a robot with no feelings. But, honestly, that's the way I was treated from day one. That is the way my replacement is treated now (proved one month ago, you can read about it in my second topic). I don't pity myself, I pity her, she is in a state to create something perfect but just adores to destroy it even if it hurts her. It follows the same logic like in self-harming. That's just the way they go trough life until they seek help.

There is no room for me to help her. I don't need to ask myself anymore why didn't she accept my help anymore. It's her decision, and she is still so young to figure out that she needs help as soon as possible until all goes out of control.

As time passes I feel more and more detached from her. I feel that she indeed is someone else, a stranger, just as she was before we met. As time passes I realize the cold blooded attitude she had towards me at the end. I realize how she just threw me out of her life never thinking about the grey zone. I'm more and more convinced that she had someone else in the game for the last two months of our relationship.

Do I want a girlfriend like that? No way.

That's why I'm thinking about her as she is for real. No need to remember something good from our relationship when I'm immediately reminded why it was so good. Why would I while at the same time she sleeps with someone else and does not care about me?

I still don't know how would I react if she approaches me in the future. But I'm sure that I don't want to give her any reaction. She feeds on reactions, and gets confused if she doesn't get one. I'll just be positive about myself and my life, and keep both positive or negative reactions to myself. She tends to provocate, and I hope that I'm ready for that.

But my advice would be, see them as they really are. Don't think about the good time you had like it could happen again. There is no need for it to happen even after how you were treated out of the blue. No need to hate them either. You can only be sorry for them for their mental state and just wonder how many times will they bring themselves to their own knees. We were just a small part in the big repeating cycle. Nothing more. It's all just very technical and nothing more.
As soon as they get bored and stop receiving the exaggerated attention they need from us, this is the only way they will choose to go.

Detaching is hard, but you can't be happy if you cannot see the reality of that person, seeing him as he/she really is and knowing that it is true. No need to fool yourself.


Feel free to add anything, this is just a snapshot of my mind today.

[Cromwell]

Hi Gilac

That was useful to read, especially a reminder of how getting into the relationship was our unwitting exposure to a fresh cycle from the demise of the prior relationship, it was a moribund relationship that we were unaware of that repeats itself perpetually. How were we to know better?

Something that Ive been contemplating these days was asking myself, what did I actually want from the start, and to what extent did my wishes change. Well, I wanted just an attactive girlfriend for having a good time with, good company, she ticked all the boxes initially.

Did I ever sign up to be an (amateur): surrogate parent, social worker, rescuer, medic, negotiator, therapist?

No, and none of that happened over night, but by the end it encompassed all of this and more, that I never siagned up for but took up those roles, at the expense of what I wished for at the start increasingly just evaporated to the point I forget I was even expecting something to fulfill my needs.

Even though I never expected these roles, I actually didnt mind doing them, it wasnt that difficult for me. I can be quite a submissive walk over for a woman generally, chivalry isnt completely dead it seems, but after all of that to go and cheat and behave like everything I did was out of stupidity and not kindness, my only regret is not walking away there and then. Gilac, whilst I agree with everything youve said id like to add that the sabotaging of the relationship at least in my case is part of a test to see if I would take her back regardless, the nasty treatment as well, the more i endured the more that was a 'proof' of love beyond anything else that Id do for her.

Actually since the cheating I downscaled a great deal of doing much of anything for her, it didnt make much difference that i stopped 'rescuing' her or paying as much attention to her emotional neediness, all that seemed to matter was that i would stay and she then incrementally acted out more, pushed boundaries further each time, until it got to a point where it does in every BPD caretakers life where they say "f this job, I quit"

[gilac]

Hi Gilac

That was useful to read, especially a reminder of how getting into the relationship was our unwitting exposure to a fresh cycle from the demise of the prior relationship, it was a moribund relationship that we were unaware of that repeats itself perpetually. How were we to know better?

Exactly, I think that is one of the key elements to understand after this kind of a relationship. We took it too much personal because we don't have those traits, every normal couple will have this personal bound. In our case, we took personally something that was, dare I say, very mechanic (if we observe their role in every relationship). I was embracing this relationship in a very natural way, not knowing that I was immersing into something that already has a plot. I say this because, in my case, it was proved to me numerous times that she is aware of her cycle.

Until I started to view the whole picture understanding her way of thinking and understanding that it's all her defense mechanism in order to cope with her frantic feelings, not to do anything with me personally or with any other guy involved in one way or another, I couldn't see the way out of the state I was in after it all happened.

She still reaches my mind every single day, but I'm focused on myself again. I have plans I'm looking forward to without  any negative feelings interupting them. I wouldn't be in this position if I was still thinking "how could she?" If you don't want to be confused anymore, you must look at the bare reality. Yes, this person is the person you've witnessed in the devaluation phase and after. Face it if you want to continue with your life, stop lying yourself like she did for the year and a half.

Did I ever sign up to be an (amateur): surrogate parent, social worker, rescuer, medic, negotiator, therapist?

Yes, that's another good attitude. Ask yourself this and you will get the answers.
Yes, I had great time with her every time we hang in the local park, but I must remember, all of that great time was preceded with me doing a job of a therapist and lowering my mood until it reaches hers so she could be happy for the rest of the night.
In other words, she didn't need help from me, she needed my attention. And as you said, this is just the way they cope with themselves to see how far you can go. If you go all the way to the bottom - Horray! Who cares if your mood is lower now, let's have some fun! That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and I don't want that again.

[once removed]

hey gilac!

I want to talk about what helped me the most, or, to be more precise, what is helping me.
The essence of all this is to enter their minds and understand their way of thinking and living their life. Facing the reality. This person in it's core isn't the person I've dated. I was just a reaction to her previous relationship. I wasn't someone special like in any other relationship, neither was she if I look at the big picture. I was just a part of her cycle that once again came to the end. If we didn't end our relationship, I would face the very same outcome sooner or later, that's just how she goes trough her life.
We must accept that, they MUST end things like this. This is their way of life, even if they like it or not. If everything goes well, they will destroy it, and why wouldn't they, that idealization was also their creation. If self harming does not lead to suicide, then this is their suicide. Anything that works well for them, they have a need to kill all of that.

It's sad to think about someone like if they are a robot with no feelings. But, honestly, that's the way I was treated from day one. That is the way my replacement is treated now (proved one month ago, you can read about it in my second topic). I don't pity myself, I pity her, she is in a state to create something perfect but just adores to destroy it even if it hurts her. It follows the same logic like in self-harming. That's just the way they go trough life until they seek help.

i think that theres a lot to this. you do sound more detached. and it sounds like youre reaching.

i remember describing my ex that same way. as a "robot". as someone whos life and actions were dictated by a script. and for a while, it is how i saw her. i cant say it was of absolutely no use for a time, and i cant say it didnt make me feel better.

unfortunately, i dont think it was that simple. i dont think i would have loved a robot. i dont think i would have suffered over a robot.

while it did help me to have a more sober outlook on the relationship and our bond, and to let go of all the loving words, i think it also would have increased my suffering to ignore or diminish them, or to believe that i wasnt special to her. in other words, what we had, and our impact on each other, was special, and purposeful. but it wasnt that special, and we werent meant to be.

the hard part, i think, is that our exes were both the wonderful people we fell in love with, and the very difficult people that hurt us and/or broke our hearts. trying to hold both of those perspectives in mind is very challenging, but leaning too much toward one or the other can keep us attached, either through hurt and regret or through anger, or apathy, or whatever. i think feeling sorry for them can be attachment too, and i know in my case that pity i felt was kind of papering over the real hurt, the deep sense of rejection and loss that i felt.

keep reaching. its likely your views on the relationship will evolve many times over time as the wounds heal and its work like youre doing coupled with peer perspective that can get us there.

[gotbushels]

gilac   

Thank you for sharing. Your thoughts were a very interesting read.

That's why I'm thinking about her as she is for real.
... .
But my advice would be, see them as they really are.
... .
We were just a small part in the big repeating cycle. Nothing more. It's all just very technical and nothing more.
... .
Detaching is hard, but you can't be happy if you cannot see the reality of that person, seeing him as he/she really is and knowing that it is true. No need to fool yourself.

I found this delightful to read. Congratulations on your progress so far.

I hope you enjoy your peace.