How to stop feeling like a pawn and take back control?

[Libra]

Hello,

I have been reading about the Eight concepts in the Bowen theory. It has helped me understand a lot of the dynamics that were/are present in my FOO, as posted in an earlier thread:

For the first time I could clearly see that I was a simple pawn in a very complicated chess game, and that all the hurt and mental trauma it caused me was utterly out of my control and not at all my fault.

I seem to be unable to get past the feelings of anger and mistrust this realisation has brought with it.
How to accept that your emotional well-being as an adult is defined by a system you were part of, but had no control over?
How can you take back that control if many of your instinctive reactions as an adult are a clear result of your past experiences?

I often avoid interactions with other people out of fear/conviction that I will only 'react'.
How do you know that you are participating as your 'true self'?
I feel like I'm falling apart instead of learning and growing.

Does this resonate with anone? Is this a phase that will pass? How did you tackle this?

Thank you for sharing,
Libra.

[Harri]

Hi Libra.  yes, this resonates very much with me and I am sure others.  

Being angry about this is normal and healthy.  It is not something you can just get past.  You have to feel it and let yourself get angry and feel hurt and learn to release it.  It takes times.  Years later I am still getting angry and still hurting but it is better, in that it is less consuming and lasts for a shorter time.  The not having had a say or any control is the hardest part for me to accept and makes me get angry the most.  I've spent years refusing to use the word victim never mind accepting that I was one because the thought of not having control and being at the mercy of people who were so sick was so hard for me to accept. I had a whole belief system worked out so that I could pretend I had control and that I was a victim of no one.  So yeah, I get it.

It takes time.  

How can you take back that control if many of your instinctive reactions as an adult are a clear result of your past experiences?

I am not sure what you need but I know what has worked for me.  :)ifferentiation.  I have worked on that by learning about BPD behaviors, particularly projection and how most of what I learned about myself from my parents (what they said and believed about me) were lies and had nothing to do with me.  They could not even see me and as a result I never learned who I was.  I am learning that now.  I got very good at boundaries (with my parents at least) and thought of having a wall around me that not only kept abuse out but kept me in my place.  I learned to ask where I began and ended in relation to another so that I did not step in and rescue and try to fix as my instincts almost compelled me to do.  I also used one of the Four Agreements:  Don't take anything personally.  people, (my parents specifically, were allowed to believe what they wanted and I could not control it or take it personally.  that was their business, not mine.  It still hurt, but I learned to allow them to be who they were while working on learning who I was/am.

I feel like I'm falling apart instead of learning and growing.

This actually makes sense to me.  If you are unlearning a lot of un-useful and or dysfunctional behaviors this is a good thing.  It makes sense you will feel like you are losing your mind.  But in fact you are finding it.  Feeling like you are falling apart sucks but in this case, keep focused on the end goal.  Learning2Thrive has this thing she talks about with her fat tire bike riding.  Sounds like she rides on trails and stuff and when she comes up to a particularly challenging part, she visualizes herself on the other side.  It works.  

You may also want to start with Mindfulness if you haven't already.  It is helpful with anxiety, panic attacks and learning to be okay with emotions.  It takes practice but it does work.  Triggering, Mindfulness, and the WiseMind

Stay focused on the goal Libra.  I think you are doing very well and I am so glad you came here to post again.  We can all relate and it helps all of us to help each other.  It's what we do here and it works.

[Learning2Thrive]

I seem to be unable to get past the feelings of anger and mistrust this realisation has brought with it.
How to accept that your emotional well-being as an adult is defined by a system you were part of, but had no control over?
How can you take back that control if many of your instinctive reactions as an adult are a clear result of your past experiences?

These are two very good questions.

I often avoid interactions with other people out of fear/conviction that I will only 'react'.
How do you know that you are participating as your 'true self'?

Another excellent question. Each of us chooses what’s best based on our individual circumstances, skills and support systems. It is a continual work in progress.

I feel like I'm falling apart instead of learning and growing.

Does this resonate with anone? Is this a phase that will pass? How did you tackle this?

Yes. This resonates with me. The intensity of feelings (primarily anger, fear, hurt and profound sadness) ebbs and flows as I work through so many childhood flashbacks.

Harri mentioned my Fat Bike technique. I’ve started using it on and off the bike when situations come up too quickly for me to slow down safely or avoid altogether. If I find myself terrified and uncertain, I face the obstacle and visualize myself safely on the other side as I take a deep breath of believing in myself and my bike... .then pedal through staying heavy on the pedals and light on the bars. It has worked marvelously for me as I have huge fear issues.  What I like about using this technique is that it truly works as a result of moving forward, whether that’s physically or emotionally.  I didn’t invent it... .it’s an accumulation of tips I read while researching mountain bike riding tips. I’ve ridden a skinny tire road bike for many years, but riding trails and unmaintained dirt roads and through arroyos of thick waves of loose sand is a whole different animal.

So all this to say, welcome!  Keep sharing and asking questions and be sure to check out the mindfulness info link that Harri shared.

[Libra]

Thank you Harri and L2T for your replies.
It helps to know I am not the only one to have these feelings, that it is part of the process of healing.

What do I mean with 'taking back control'?  I very easily get triggered into a defensive mode, because a comment or action makes me feel inadequate/not good enough. I am starting to recognize when I get triggered, but I cannot stop the reaction. It makes me angry that I am in part a pre-programmed to react a certain way. It makes me feel as if I still don't control my own identity. I still don't know why I get triggered, nor what to do about it.

I had a session with my T yesterday. After discussing my current mindset, and how I now feel about my relationship with my FOO, he concluded that he had given me all the tools I needed to work with, but that something from my past seemed to be keeping me from moving forward, from taking full possesion of my own actions. He explained what PTSD was, and said that I might be splitting memories to avoid emotional upheaval. He suggested using EMDR next session to try to release some of these past memories, to enable me to move forward.

I am in 2 minds about this. On the one hand I am relieved, because this acknowlegdes that I am not simply a 'drama queen' that can't get a grip on normal life issues. On the other hand though, deep down, I still believe that I am exaggerating everything and I should simply get on with life and stop whimpering. I know I have a deep-gutted feeling of sadness I cannot explain, and I know I often get into this defensive mode without clear reasons. But I did no have a horrific childhood, no big traumas.

These new words are now swirling around in my head, and it feels as if I am being labelled. I guess I'm having trouble acknowledging that I have actually faced emotional abuse. Those words sound so heavy. Even just writing them here makes me feel like a drama queen screaming for attention.
So I will now press the 'post ' button, before I change my mind and delete this post, and start reading about Mindfulness.

Libra.

[Harri]

Hi Libra.  

Labels just are.  They serve a purpose for treatment decisions.  You are not a drama queen!  It takes a lot of courage to post when you are feeling that way.  Recognize that.

You said you have had no big trauma.  Okay, c-PTSD results from long term abuse.  The affects accumulate over time so one big trauma is not needed for the label.  It is my understanding that c-PTSD is not in the DSM (yet) so PTSD is often used instead.  My T tells me I am PTSD but we have an understanding that it is c-PTSD.  Emotional abuse has devastating consequences and IMO is the worst of them all.  

For what it is worth, I still minimize and look back sometimes and wonder why I was so damaged.  I had so many good things happen too.  Again, it is the collection of experiences combined with individual personality traits that matter.

See how you do with EMDR.  I am glad you will be reading about mindfulness.  It can help quite a bit.

Let us know how you make out... .or post just because you can and we get it.

[Harri]

Hi Libra!  I was thinking about you and wondering how things are going.  Did you try the EMDR yet?  I know it was only one session but I would like to hear how it went and how you are doing.

When you can, give us an update.  You don't have to do this alone. 

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi Libra,

I’m joining Harri in letting you know, you’re being thought of. I hope you’ll pop back in and give us an update.

On the other hand though, deep down, I still believe that I am exaggerating everything and I should simply get on with life and stop whimpering. I know I have a deep-gutted feeling of sadness I cannot explain, and I know I often get into this defensive mode without clear reasons. But I did no have a horrific childhood, no big traumas.

I have this feeling too. A LOT! Except, the more memories and flashbacks come to the surface, maybe it was way more traumatic than my mind wanted/wants to admit. After all, it was NORMAL to me in the context of my childhood. I’m not saying you really did have horrific traumas. You may not remember them yet OR it can also be a subtle pattern of abuses over time.

You are worthy of the effort and energy and time it takes to heal. We care about you and we’re here to listen and support you.

Sending you gentle hugs and smiles,

  L2T

[Libra]

Hello,

Harri and L2T, thank you for your messages. EMDR is planned for Tuesday evening, CET time. Don't know what to expect, we'll see.

These last two weeks, I have felt very in control of my emotions: I don't stress, I don't get as annoyed at the children as I used to, I don't get as defensive when DH or the children make a comment that makes me feel inadequate, I manage to communicate with my mother in a non-commital manner that seems to keep us both in  balance, etc.
I seem to take it all in stride. That's the up side.

The down-side is that I seem to have lost all connection to my emotions. In fact, I seem to have locked them up. I interact in a thinking way, whereas I used to react purely on emotion. I suspect that interactions are supposed to be a balancing act between thinking and emotion though, not one or the other?

It just feels so much safer this way? No risks of getting upset, and no risks of upsetting others. But it also feels very dull: No upsets is good, but joy and happiness have also all but disappeared.

And on the other hand I had a stress-induced migraine all of yesterday, and my nails and fingertips have all but vanished, leaving nothing but pinkish, sensitive skin. Talk about contradicting what I just wrote.   I am staying very true to my name here 

I hope this is another step forward, but at the moment it doens't feel  that way at all... .

Libra.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Murray Bowen said that no matter how good you get at working hard and figuring things out, you'll only get it right about 70% of the time. Meaning, it will always feel like we aren't making the progress we know we should.

But we are. I started my journey out of BPD mother/sister hell w Bowen theory.  So helpful. And then after a few years I needed to immerse myself in BPD education specifically.

If you feel you're not learning, changing fast enough, you are correct. It's a Sloow
Process, but do not despair, you are changing and growing and beginning the road to recovery that you will walk every day.

But after walking it for a while you will be able to stop and look back with a happy smile at how much ground youve really covered!

Keep on trucking. You're going in the right direction.

[Libra]

Sparrowfarfrom home, thank you for your positive and encouraging words. I need to keep reminding myself that this is a very long journey.

My last T session was a disappointment. EMDR did not result in anything. I felt as if I had let myself down.

I still don’t manage to speak openly to my T though.

I realized this morning that I never seek eye contact with him during a session, whereas in normal life eye contact is essential for me during any conversation.
I think I am still afraid he will see right through me and ask me why I am actually there. Or that he will judge me. (although he has never actually done this and is far too professional... .but still, he must have an opinion, no?)
He is very good at giving me tools and pointing out that I am thinking too much in black and white, being too harsh on myself. He helps putting things into perspective, even by giving examples from his own personal life. But he will never empathize or validate. And I need so much validation at the moment.
I have not told him I am on this board. I have not told him about the self-help books I have been reading. There are many things I have been holding back because I feel too uncomfortable to talk about them, or because I fear I will not receive any understanding in return.

How open are others with their T? Are you an open book? Can you vocalize what it is you are looking for?

Initially I went to T to improve/manage my relationship with my mother. I am LC with her, no longer seeking her approval and no longer acting as her emotional punching bag. At the moment this is going well. But I had not expected to feel such a void. My life has always turned around what other people need, want or expect. Now that I have to focus on my own needs and expectations, I am at a loss. I simply do not know what I want for myself. But I am not succeeding in expressing this during T.

T has been suspended 'till September now due to holidays. I hope this will give me time to understand what it is I am still looking for and find the courage to vocalize it.

Libra.

 

[AoiKoutei]

Hi Libra !

I think we are exactly in the same state of mind. I am trying to recognize that I have suffered emotional, physical and sexual abuses because of my BP-mother. But when I think about all these memories, it is like if I am a horrible child who criticizes his mother despite all the things she has done for me. I also feel like a "drama queen" who cries everyday to draw attention... .But deep inside, I know I experienced real abuses. After reading a lot about PTSD, I am pretty sure I suffer from C-PTSD, and I will talk about it to my T tomorrow.

Concerning your last questions, I have to admit I am not an open-book. Because my T is a very kind woman, I know I see her like the mother I wish I always had. So I act with her the way I do with my mother : I lie a bit and don't tell her things that could stress her... .Besides, because I want people to like me and validate me, I don't want her to have a bad opinion of myself. So I don't tell her my permanent suicidal thoughts, my poor self-esteem etc. Which is extremly stupid, because she is my T and is here for my problems. As a result, she may not realize how broken I am. But tomorrow, I will tell her everything. I suspect C-PTSD so I need to make her see who I truly am.

I think you also need to be very open with your T. Don't forget that (s)he sees a lot of people with psychological issues everyday. Maybe the person before you suffers from anorexia, and maybe the person after you has lost her/his husband and now drowns in depression. You, you have been abused by your BP-mother, which caused a lot of psychological trauma.
Do not forget it is in your best interest to tell your T all of this. You see him/her to recover, and (s)he needs to know where you are in your reconstruction.

Have great holidays, and rest well ! 

AoiKoutei

[Harri]

Hi Libra.  Thanks for the update.  I had been wondering how things went.

I realized this morning that I never seek eye contact with him during a session, whereas in normal life eye contact is essential for me during any conversation.

I did that too.  Still do a bit but it has gotten better for me.  It was so hard when my T would stop me and request that I look him in the eyes.  At first I could hold it for about a second, but it got better and easier.  still not great though even with a different T.  For me, I am trying to hide.  If you look hard enough you can see a persons hurt in their eyes. 

How open are others with their T? Are you an open book? Can you vocalize what it is you are looking for?

I am pretty open when I can talk.  Sometimes I freeze, sometimes I go and do not talk about what I wanted to talk about.  It is like I walk in and just forget.  So I started to write things down.  Then I began forgetting my list... .leave it in my car, at home, etc.  So one time I wrote my list on my hand.  No losing that!    It worked.  There are some things i still avoid.  I don't get into many details of some stuff.  I see no need to... .or maybe I am hiding.  Time will tell.

Therapists are not going to judge you.  They are trained to listen to you clinically.  So if he is doing his job correctly, there will be no judgement.    If you ever have any questions,, like why he does not validate, ask him.  You can ask anything in therapy.  I know it is hard but not only will it help with therapy it will also help you speak up and question things in life as well.  I know it is hard, but it is worth it.  I psych myself up before my sessions and say there is no benefit to holding back, don't go in with barriers Harri, etc.  I am sure I have barriers I am not even aware of but the ones I am?  I can work with those.  I question, I doubt, I have even teased my T on occasion and I have been pissed with her.  It is all part of the process. 

Initially I went to T to improve/manage my relationship with my mother. I am LC with her, no longer seeking her approval and no longer acting as her emotional punching bag. At the moment this is going well. But I had not expected to feel such a void. My life has always turned around what other people need, want or expect. Now that I have to focus on my own needs and expectations, I am at a loss. I simply do not know what I want for myself. But I am not succeeding in expressing this during T.

Yes, it is like you have to get used to how to function after losing a big part of you.  Even if that part is not healthy, everything gets used to having it be there so of course it takes time to adjust.  Just tell you T what you said here "I do not know what I want for myself.  I feel like I lost a part of me when I went LC with my mom" or whatever.  Write it down if you need to but tell him. 

Aoikoutei  I am glad you posted here as it is helpful to know we are not alone in our struggles. 
Aoikoutei wrote:   

So I don't tell her my permanent suicidal thoughts, my poor self-esteem etc. Which is extremly stupid, because she is my T and is here for my problems. As a result, she may not realize how broken I am. But tomorrow, I will tell her everything. I suspect C-PTSD so I need to make her see who I truly am.

Please do tell her, especially about the suicidal thoughts.  She needs to know that in order to best help you.  I am glad you plan on telling her tomorrow.  Would you be willing to open a new post after your session tomorrow so we know how it went for you?  As you can see, other people will be able to relate about talking in therapy and I think it iwll help you as well.  We are here to support you as well. 

Feelings of suicide are serious and should be addressed with a professional as soon as possible.  I am going to post this link here to our Safety First document.  Please keep us posted and take good care of yourself.   

[Libra]

Aoikoutei Thank you for sharing. It helps to know others are struggling with the same issues.
I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered as a child. Please do share your struggles with your T. She is there to help you.
Feel free to relate your experiences in this thread if you do not want to start a new thread. We will be here to support you. 

Harri, thank you for your openness and insights.
Feeling very low at the moment. The hurt that used to come with my memories seem to have disappeared. But they have left a great big hole I cannot seem to fill up. Ironic. I seem to miss my pain instead of rejoicing its demise. Is this EMDR aftermath after all? Self-harm has never been an issue for me, but I am fighting myself now. Trying to turn to music instead.

Libra.

[Harri]

Hi Libra.  I am sorry you are struggling so much.  Reaching out here is good.  So is listening to music.  What else can you do?

Healing is such an emotional roller coaster.  It gets better.   

It seems kind of lame to recommend an article when someone is in so much pain but I am going to do so anyway.  I'm not sure if you have already read it.  I do think you might benefit greatly by reading this and learning to sit with your emotions without judgement.  Just sit and observe them and let yourself Be.
Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind So many times we try to make a feeling go away and really what we need to do is just Be, accepting that this is how we feel and knowing things get better and the fight is worth it.

Self-harm has never been an issue for me, but I am fighting myself now.

What sort of things are you thinking about?  I usually eat my way through this though I am learning not to.  In the past I had urges to hurt myself in other ways but never acted on them.  You're not alone in this.  I am glad you mention them here and I am glad you are finding an alternative.