Thank you for all the wonderful responses.
I have also found a lot of dissimilarities so I am glad this site accommodates that and gets us to focus on the behaviors since many of us will never be working with an official diagnosis.
I'm so relieved to find others out there in a similar position as me. I know that there is a lot of strong indicators that point towards her having BPD, but I've felt like my experience has been tame compared to other peoples experiences. Not to say it wasn't any less devastating and damaging for me. I don't think my ex is a bad person, just an incredibly damaged one and I feel the pwBPD are often demonised.
From what I've read BPD is a combination of Nature and nurture. Professionals typically won't diagnose a child as they are still developing.
And yes stress can trigger someone with BPD but you don't have to BPD to get triggered by stress.
There are many factors why she hasn't been diagnosed, but both the nature and her nurture are definitely within the realms of her having it. Her father has it and she was heavily abused and mistreated whilst growing up. On top of the possibility of her having it, she has been diagnosed with PTSD, OCD, Depression and anxiety.
The stress involved was a massive health scare that lasted 6 months. The possibility of her having a brain tumour that would have been terminal if tests came back positive. Because I had a lot on my plate and was overseas, it was incredibly difficult for me to be there.
what kinds of symptoms were you seeing when she turned 20?
Before then, her fear of abandonment was incredibly apparent to me, even she stated it herself a couple of times. I however put it down more as an insecurity than anything else.
She did have a lot of issues that I would say weren't normal that could be attributed to her BPD, but seeing as this was my first relationship, I just put it all upon myself that I was the problem.
During last year under the stress, she just started acting more irrational, less empathetic, incredibly clingy and mood swings galore.
As time has progressed she has continue to get worse and worse in my opinion.
The worst is how she always projected everything onto me, unable to accept any emotional responsibility. Which can also be due to her young age as well.