Attachment issues, anyone else?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So in therapy I am discovering most of my issues; boyfriend and sister stem from attachment issues.  If we don't have the proper bond with our mom first, and she doesn't help with the transition that allows us to know we are separate from her and it is okay to go to dad, and dad doesn't step up to the plate etc. etc. etc. we can have attachment issues with others and it can interfere with our picking the right romantic partner.  I don't feel I attached to my parents early on, in infancy when it it most crucial.  I also had my older sister, 7 years my senior bully, tease and abuse me my entire childhood.  So no surprise after my divorce I ended up with a narcissist.  I bring this up as I am trying to focus on more the cause, than to say unkind things about my sister.  I can't change anything.  I try to deal with facts I never attached to her, why would I?  I have chosen to tay away from silly conduct disorder website, about two months free now, yay!  I will say she doesn't know, nor do I know her.  She is not in my life.  Once upon a time she was.  She tried to help me through hard times in my romantic life.  The problem was, when I did not do what she thought I do, she withdrew her support.  Of course that was a dynamic I had with my as a child.  I was lucky to work through our differences , my mom reached out, and we became very close.  With the romantic relationship I was "addicted" to a person.  Unless one has been in that spot, they ought not judge.  Anyways, attachment is so important.  Anyone else told they suffer from attachment issues?  What is your story?

[Pina colada]

So in therapy I am discovering most of my issues; boyfriend and sister stem from attachment issues.  If we don't have the proper bond with our mom first, and she doesn't help with the transition that allows us to know we are separate from her and it is okay to go to dad, and dad doesn't step up to the plate etc. etc. etc. we can have attachment issues with others and it can interfere with our picking the right romantic partner.  I don't feel I attached to my parents early on, in infancy when it it most crucial.  I also had my older sister, 7 years my senior bully, tease and abuse me my entire childhood.  So no surprise after my divorce I ended up with a narcissist.  I bring this up as I am trying to focus on more the cause, than to say unkind things about my sister.  I can't change anything.  I try to deal with facts I never attached to her, why would I?  I have chosen to tay away from silly conduct disorder website, about two months free now, yay!  I will say she doesn't know, nor do I know her.  She is not in my life.  Once upon a time she was.  She tried to help me through hard times in my romantic life.  The problem was, when I did not do what she thought I do, she withdrew her support.  Of course that was a dynamic I had with my as a child.  I was lucky to work through our differences , my mom reached out, and we became very close.  With the romantic relationship I was "addicted" to a person.  Unless one has been in that spot, they ought not judge.  Anyways, attachment is so important.  Anyone else told they suffer from attachment issues?  What is your story?

[zachira]

I have been in therapy for years for my attachment issues. As a baby, I was left in the crib most of the time, and my cries were not responded to. It has affected my whole life, and yet things have gotten better as I have faced my demons, and I am happier than ever. Right now, I am struggling with my attraction to emotionally unavailable needy men that I want to fix and of course can't as they have to decide what to do about their problems. I haven't gone out with any of them; it just disturbs me that I can't seem to be attracted to better men. I recommend the book "Attached" by Levine and Heller on Amazon.com
In both my father's and mother's families, certain children were the favorites and others the scapegoats. Being one of the scapegoats has served me well in that I am not as narcissistic as my siblings and faced my problems, so I am actually a healthier and happier person than my siblings.
Take care, and let us know how things are going. Things will get better, and attachment wounds can be healed when we look at our pain and make healthier choices.
 

[Turkish]

I can relate to what zachira said about being attracted to needy people who need fixing (rescuing?).

I don't know if I was ever "addicted" to anybody, but I did feel strong attractions to people who couldn't reciprocate.

By the time my mother adopted me at 2.4 years of age, I'd been through birth parents, grandparents, and foster care. At a young age my mom noticed how unneedful I was of others.  I was happy (safe?) in my inner world.  I was hyper-independent and growing up the latchkey kid of a single mother with BPD,  PTSD, depression and anxiety only reinforced how I dealt with the world.  My independence initially attracted my uBPDx, but I mistakenly expected the same. Initially attracted to her neediness,  I grew to resent it after we had kids. 

Just before I met my ex,  I rebuffed a slightly older woman at work going through a divorce. She told me,  "I just want to have fun," to relive what she perceived she lost after 15 years of marriage and raising kids. I felt like she wanted to use me.  Then I met my ex,  and we unknowingly used each other based upon our FOO and that which we lacked growing up: the cold and distant father for her,  and the mother whom I could never rescue (heal).

I still feel like I don't need anyone to progress through life at this point.  There's a distorted world-view within me still, I know. If I hand spent many thousands of dollars with my T to help with my ex and then my mom,  I'd probably go back on order to work though it.  I'll admit that I'm stuck at "survivor" not "thriver."

[Pina colada]

zachira and Turkish, thank you for your stories.  Being left in your crib, cries unanswered is traumatizing for an infant.  I learned about "infant time" versus real time and that has helped me when I feel triggered.  Turkish I can certainly see how your upbringing, birthparents, grandparents, foster care could make you both independent, but having attachment issues in romantic relationships.  I am like both of you, I am drawn to the needy ones.  I just finished an amazing book on tis and as one patient in the book says, "What I'm hooked into is the challenge of melting stones."  Oh that is me.  I am currently doing several exercises to help me with this journey.  I have chosen freely to ignore my sisters stuff.  I love her but I pity her too.  So much hidden anger.  I am moving on and am quite proud!  Zachary I will get the book "Attached"!

[zachira]

Pina Colada
Good to hear back from you. What is the name of the book you are reading? Please share with us what you think of "Attached". Turkish is also interested in that book.
Keep us posted on your journey. You have likely hit the core of your challenges, and it really helps to know that we are not at fault for our ways of choosing partners, and we can make better choices when we understand that it is possible to acquire  healthy attachment by having a long term relationship with a partner with secure attachment who shows us how to have a loving relationship.
Turkish
Thanks for sharing as well. It is understandable that you are staying away from relationships for now. You and I have similar fears of choosing the wrong person. Take heart: The people I know who have ended a bad relationship, who have really taken a look at their part in a highly dysfunctional relationship, and have waited for a safe person who knows how to have a healthy loving relationship, have been able to eventually have a loving caring relationship after a long search.

[Pina colada]

zachira the book is "How to break your addiction to a person" by Howard M. Halpern PHD.  The book, along with my psychologist has really helped me get to the root of things.  The attachment issues I have are not RAD, it is just not proper attachment to parents which most folks have.  The difference is that on top of that, my older sister bullied me and even as adults, never took ownership of that.  Obviously I don't remember things when I was very young, but I do have flashbacks of being 4or 5ish and sister torturing me.  I would tell our mom, she would yell at my sister, but nothing stopped her.  I also feel a 12 year old knows exactly what she is doing to her baby 5 year old sister and could choose to make the kind choices and stop after she made me cry.  I wasn't a bully so I don't really understand her mind except I know she is mentally ill... .I also know it is impossible to bond to someone whom is abusive to you in that way.  My sister truly never showed me kindness as a baby- 13 years of age so it's impossible to bond.  Knowing what I know now though, I could move past it but she has continued the mental abuse my whole adult life.  As far as a romantic partner I have that going on too!  It's been a process though"no thanks to my sister".  I do take ownership of my romantic partner choices though.  Deep down I knew something was off, but I just couldn't walk away.  It just would have been great if I had unconditional support from my sister whom claimed to "love" me... .Again, my fault, I trust her and she burns me and there always is a condition.  In the past when we weren't talking I always missed her and wanted her in my life, honestly I do not!  As I said I love her and wish and her family well but we are so different that part of reading that book has helped me with sis!  I haven't gotten Attached yet but I will in the next few weeks and keep you posted!  I hope you well zachira!

[zachira]

Pina Colada
Thank you for the name of the book. Let me know what you think of "Attached".
I really hear you when you talk about how your older sister treated you and how the lack of parents that were there for you has affected your life. You are doing what is healthy which is to look at how all this has affected you and to choose to have a better life. We are rooting for you. Take care and keep us posted on how things are going.