Feeling so guilty

[Mooberry]

For the last few weeks, my mental health has been- not good at all.

We finally let my BPD mom know we are going to be moving.  Which has actually gone ok.  Saturday, I came home from work and she was in my son's room (i live with her btw).  Throwing a fit at the "mess" and of course throwing in all the abusiveness that only someone with BPD can do.  He's 4.  So, I packed us up and we left for the day and i told my son- "When someone is treating you like that, and you feel sad, and scared,  you just walk away.  You just leave."  My son is going to have boundaries.  Ones that I am barely able to start putting at 31.

Anyway, I've been in some kind of dysregulated mess of feelings for about 2 months.  It all came down on Saturday.  My brother came over in the afternoon (after I came back).  My mom was there, and bam she started... ."why did you just leave"  "Im only trying to help... ." "your husband... ." and the negativity started.  I blew up.  I screamed that she's the reason I want to drive my car into a wall (which I would never do btw, I just fantasize about disappearing).  I told her she has no boundaries.  I told her she can't continue to talk about my husband... .anyway.

I'm blowing up at everyone.  I got drunk (it was my birthday as well).  Of course, it turned into a sobbing mess.  Which is ok.  I ended up having an argument with my husband (because he doesn't like me to drink even though it's super rare) telling him that he doesn't love me, and he doesn't understand, and that he's making it harder to deal with my mom.  Things that aren't necessarily true.

I'm scared I am going to turn into her.

I am scared because I feel an immense amount of calm after having that blow up.  I don't want to be borderline like her.

I am in tx.  I've never blown up outside of that damn house where she lives.  I'm not sure what I'm looking for right now.

[Panda39]

Hi Mooberry,

Sending you some    .

Sounds like a rough weekend    Good for you going all Mama Bear when it came to your son! 

It sounds like your mom may have initially taken the move well but maybe later lost it and took it out on your son... .the mess being an excuse?  Who knows, but going off on a 4 year old is totally inappropriate. 

Anyway, I've been in some kind of dysregulated mess of feelings for about 2 months.  It all came down on Saturday. 

You've been doing a lot of work disengaging from your mom, that isn't easy.  There is a lot of stress about how she's going to react, how you are going to finance your move, and just trying to put distance both physical and emotional between your family and her... .then there is the ever present guilt  .

You blew up, not the best way to go but totally understandable with the pressures you are under.  Maybe think about some healthier ways to vent... .come up with a plan of action for the next time you feel like your going to loose it.  It sounds like "no alcohol" policy (at least until your out) would be one way to help keep your composure because as we know it can contribute to being less inhibited, which can lead to things being said we don't mean.

What are some things you can do that can help you relax some? It sounds like you could use some self-care.

And apologize to your Hubby, he's on your side. 

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Mooberry]

OOH, Panda,  You are right.

I did apologize to him.  I don't take the time to realize and appreciate the amount of stress and pressure he is on to just be a dad and a husband- and have to deal with my mom.  I've had my whole life to develop I certain resistance- that he hasn't had.  I need to understand that sometimes he's shut down because he doesn't know how to deal with what's going on.  I don't know what it's like to live in a house where your spouse is verbally abused constantly, and staying quiet because you know how much worse it would get if you said something.  I don't give him enough credit.  I'm busy focusing on me drowning in responsibility, and then being criticized every step of the way.

Alcohol probably needs to go until I am healthy again.  I really need to focus on ways to take care of myself.  It used to be food, and I actually had weight loss surgery which has forced me to not use food to cope... .and I am a mess going through this.  You are so right about dealing with moving, and finances.  I had no idea the amount of stress that accompanies all of it.

I want to give myself space, but I feel like I have been ruminating too much about how my life has been.  It's not helpful.  It did help me make the decision to leave, but I don't want to think about it anymore.  I just want to move forward.  I want to appreciate it for where I am because of it, and accept it.  I feel like it happens in phases.  Each time I accept a level of the abuse, a new level opens up that I have to move through.

Guilt... .she is so good at it, and I am soo good at accepting it.  I feel bad because I know she is ill, and I feel like I need to be the one who is bigger because I'm not ill.  BUT, I am also not healthy right now- emotionally.  The best thing would be to get out ASAP, but unless I suddenly win the lotto- is 6 months from now.

I appreciate this group so much.  Just even reading that I'm not alone.  Living in a home your whole life with someone who struggles with BPD is an experience that is really hard to explain to outsiders. 

[Learning2Thrive]

I appreciate this group so much.  Just even reading that I'm not alone.  Living in a home your whole life with someone who struggles with BPD is an experience that is really hard to explain to outsiders

I feel the same way Mooberry! This board has helped me so much. It’s reassuring to know we’re not alone.

I’m so glad you joined. We’re all at different stages, but we work together to help each other learn and grow. I hope you’ll stick around and join in more conversations here.

Sending you gentle hugs and positive thoughts,

  L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

  Mooberry

It’s been about a week and I have been wondering how things are going with you?  I hope you’ll pop in when you feel like it and let us know how you’re doing.

We’re here for you. 

 L2T