Is it common for them to check out when you need them most?

[mssalty]

I’ve done my best to provide my own emotional support for most of our relationship.  But at least twice when I desperately needed someone in my corner to listen to me and take care of me, my SO took the same day to have meltdowns and ignore my own emotional crisis.  And both times, what I was going through would be considered by most to be far more worthy of needing emotional support.   

I’m amazed at how empty I felt both times.  Like too stunned to even cry.   

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[Getoverit]

In my experience, the answer is yes. Even when I was in an ordeal that wasn't a crisis he still remained cold and distant not even offering a kind word of support. From what he tells me he is an amazing friend, but I never experienced that side. I quickly learned to not waste my breath telling him about anything that was bothering me. He doesn't understand how he comes off and blames me for any non-positive feeling I have. I say "non-positive" because I had simply accepted that this is the way he is and had no issues with keeping certain issues separate but he of course took that as an insult and managed to make it my shortcoming. I am sorry he hasn't been supportive to you. I hope you don't blame yourself the way I did as it will affect your health and destroy your spirit.

[childhoodgone]

When my mother was in hospital in a bad condition, and I told my BPDgf (whom I supported helped and stood by her side for 7 years)
that now she can help with minimal just moral support,
she started to scream at me like possessed "Go Away!" and she laughed and said
"your mother is old, she will die" and then she said "just imagine your mother dying".

She never reciprocated the help and support that I did for her.

At many times, my BPDgf behaved exactly as someone being possesed by satan or demons. She doesn't even have minimum basic human empathy

[childhoodgone]

others can share their experiences too?

[singularity]

My BPDgf was out with me once, and on the way home I had to stop at a store.  She asked why, and I said that my 15 year old wanted some feminine hygiene products.  She just said "why can't she get it herself?".  She apologised for saying that, and I accepted, but for a moment I was taken aback by her comment.

She knows the kids (hers and mine) always come first, and we always prioritise them, but it was just one of those random things I guess.

[Baglady]

Yes - I believe this also because it has been my experience.  I recognize now in hindsight that my exBPDh has always felt threatened by the attention that I've paid to my son and my job (I was the sole breadwinner too - go figure) over the years but one factor that helped to really tip him into psychosis is that my Mom developed Alzheimer's within the last year or two.  Understandably, I have had to take more frequent trips to see her and help my father navigate her healthcare.  The combination of all of the above obviously meant that I wasn't able to give my ex the same amount of validation and support as I have in the past.  Rather than receiving any empathy from him for the many stressors in my life, my ex just built up more and more resentment that he wasn't getting the attention from me that he felt he was entitled too.  One welcome silver lining of his abrupt discarding/divorce of me early this year is that I now have more time to give to my son, job and Mom without the additional stress of dealing with my ex's irrational and childish demands and behavior.

[Lady Itone]

My exgfBPD checked out at the worst possible time.

A category 4 hurricane was headed directly at us. She refused to evacuate. I stayed, trying to convince her, until all my friends had left. Her housemates left. Finally, I grabbed my pets and hopped in a car with someone I barely knew, because he was the last ride I could find outta there.

I spent the next several days among strangers in FEMA hotels, not sure if she was alive. I had to tell her family. I had to put on her "check on" lists with the first responders, explaining I was sure she was off her meds.

A week and a half later, I got a call from the psyche ward in another city. She'd survived the storm but gone full psychotic, was found walking naked down the highway, so they'd evacuated her north.

So, yeah, my exgf was zero comfort to me in stressful times. In fact, she usually made things worse.

[braveSun]

Yes, that seems to be a pattern in our relationship. When I needed her the most, she broke up, or had an emotional affair with someone.

In retrospect, there has been situations where we were unable to see a future together at times, because of both coming from different countries, and not being able to have our relationship recognized. We were forced to separate a few times, when something would happen with my work visa, or my work situation. Eventually we went through it and reunited.

But along and through our history, I have experienced my spouse showing me a certain level of disinterest in the relationship on occasions where I was at my most vulnerable.

I think it was like she was discouraged by the events of life, and elected to do something for her own needs, not thinking that she was abandoning me in difficult situations.


Some other times she fought on my side. For instance when she felt that someone else acted unfair to me. And that felt good. Not to be mistaken with how she acted towards me when I felt she did something unfair to me. In general, she would withdraw from me when I felt 'in need' for her compassion or understanding.

[childhoodgone]

Another time, my BPDgf left me alone to deal with some people that she signed a contract with, and these people
were expecting a large payment from us, after already securing a deposit from me,
while she refused to talk to them, to meet them and went back to sleep (the meeting with them should have been at 10 am).

But she didn't talk directly with them, but simply just avoided them.

They got very angry, they thought it was some sort of a scam, and called their lawyers, who started to make threats
and ask for penalties, because the hour of the meeting from the contract was not respected.

She went finally to the meeting around 8 pm, took back the deposit that I paid to these people,
blamed everything on me, and then went radio silent for 4 days, in which these 4 days she spent all
the money from my deposit for herself and her friends.

[Stolen]

   
"Is it common for them to check out when you need them most?"


Yes.  Over and over and over again.  Being sick,  being met with contempt for such? 

Needing a pre-arranged ride to a post-op appointment (eye surgery - can't drive... .) "I'm not taking you... .)   Really?

"... .need them most... ."

"Need" viewed as weakness?  Something that is sneered at,  ridiculed?  I've seen this explained within the literature of the disorder, but Oh, is it bewildering when you experience it... ."

[Sadrose]

Your experiences really baffle me... .

I have been given the silent treatment and ignored for days/weeks and I let him know I was hurting, told him how cruel that was... .He reacted with no empathy at all, taking no accountability and even denying the silent treatment...

I couldn't imagine he would act in such a cold fashion, when he was so loving and caring not long ago.

Through your stories, it is clear that pwPBD need to keep the focus onto them, and can become angry and mean when there is competition in getting your attention. Even when it comes to their own children!
They must feel intensely threatened of losing your attention and hence their mean behavior/words.

My friend/exlover has the waif type, but maybe this type of behavior fits most people with BPD... .I can understand why he must be the one with so many problems and if you also struggle in your life and need them to validate and support you, you are outshining them and reversing the balance parent/child. which is in nature unequal.

I realize for that reason, he probably will keep struggling with his money/job etc, because it is too beneficial to him and maintains him dependent on people around him (his ex, his parents etc). unbeknownst to him... .

I also understand why he was so scared about me getting pregnant and even talked about getting surgery to prevent it (when he has no kids, in his forties). It would just put the focus on someone else than him, and force him to become accountable and adult. Which is not possible without therapy at the moment sadly.

[braveSun]

  Through your stories, it is clear that pwPBD need to keep the focus onto them, and can become angry and mean when there is competition in getting your attention. Even when it comes to their own children!
They must feel intensely threatened of losing your attention and hence their mean behavior/words.

It's one of the things I am struggling with right now. It's not like the 'competition' might stop on it's own either. Since for the pwBPD/NPD, there seems to be a profound need for some type of attention. It's invalidating for them when we are just doing the non's way. Expecting normal accountability for how they hurt our feelings. Because this way we don't acknowledge the big pain/insecurity they carry inside.

In life, I believe we need to take care of ourselves and our children. There is no question about it.  Only as nons, our experience does not give us a fair measure of the extent of the pain.

That's the best way for me to bypass these behaviors.

Taking good care of our self and our kids is so important in these situations.

Brave