Did your sibling abuse, bully, tease you?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I was just curious, I don't feel my sister has taken ownership of the abuse she caused me.  She is always blaming others for everything bad or evil in her life, especially our mom.  My sister is 7 years my senior and while technically she was a minor, I feel she intentionally bullied me when we were growing up.  When a 12 year old bullies a 5 year old, I feel they know exactly what they are doing.  She has always been jealous of me. Now I am not talking about the garden variety teasing that most siblings do as I realize all kids tease each other.  My evil sister took it to the next level of abuse and meaness.  The fact that we shared a room made it even worse.  My parents could not stop her.  No one could.  My sister NEVER and still doesn't follow rules or fight fair.  No one could make my sister do the right things and I feel she is responsible for her torment of me.  She made my childhood traumatic.  She was and still is a bully.  Just wondering what everyone here thinks... .

[Pina colada]

I was just curious, I don't feel my sister has taken ownership of the abuse she caused me.  She is always blaming others for everything bad or evil in her life, especially our mom.  My sister is 7 years my senior and while technically she was a minor, I feel she intentionally bullied me when we were growing up.  When a 12 year old bullies a 5 year old, I feel they know exactly what they are doing.  She has always been jealous of me. Now I am not talking about the garden variety teasing that most siblings do as I realize all kids tease each other.  My evil sister took it to the next level of abuse and meaness.  The fact that we shared a room made it even worse.  My parents could not stop her.  No one could.  My sister NEVER and still doesn't follow rules or fight fair.  No one could make my sister do the right things and I feel she is responsible for her torment of me.  She made my childhood traumatic.  She was and still is a bully.  Just wondering what everyone here thinks... .

[Harri]

Hi Pina Colada.  You sister is responsible for her behaviors, abusive or not.  We all are. 

I was just curious, I don't feel my sister has taken ownership of the abuse she caused me.  She is always blaming others for everything bad or evil in her life, especially our mom.

She is not taking ownership because she can't.  It is part of the disorder.  Even is she were diagnosed, in therapy and working on her stuff, taking responsibility for their own dysfunction is often one of the last things addressed.

Expecting her to recognize what she did is likely never going to happen.  Can you incorporate that into your understanding of your sister?  When you remember an event you can acknowledge the abuse, hold her responsible, but remind yourself it is just not going to happen.  There is freedom in having appropriate expectations.

[Kwamina]

Hi Pina colada

My older uBPD sister is indeed a bully, but only when she thinks she can get away with it. Once she realizes she can't, another persona surfaces and she creates a scenario in which she paints herself as the victim. The patterns are very clear to me now.

My parents could not stop her.  No one could.

How did your parents view your sister's behavior? Did they also see her as disordered?

Although your sister's behavior was problematic, your parents were still the adults and responsible for keeping all of you kids safe, also safe from each other. What did your parents do to try and get your sister to behave differently?

The Board Parrot

[Pina colada]

[/colorHow did your parents view your sister's behavior? Did they also see her as disordered?

Although your sister's behavior was problematic, your parents were still the adults and responsible for keeping all of you kids safe, also safe from each other. What did your parents do to try and get your sister to behave differently?


Kwamima my memory says my dad was not around, a lot as he worked more than one job and being a pharmacist, he worked retail hours.  My mom was home all the time as she did not drive until I was in junior high school.  Remember, this was back in the 1960's-1970's where psychiatry was thought of differently.  My mom was told me when I was in my twenties and we became "besties" that she was terribly depressed as being married to my dad (whom had his own issues) was challenging.  it wasn't a happy home.  My recollection is she would talk to sis but yes, my mom knew something was not right with sis.  I do feel she tried and actually after thinking on this topic answered my own question... .here goes:

I work in a school with very young kids, kindergarten-second grade.  I see very young kids bully other kids, BUT, even at the young age they seem to know not to bully in front of the teacher.  I am a para, not a teacher so I see things, at times, the teacher doesn't... .of course my sister didn't bully in front of our parents as most kids know not to.  As I mentioned, there was a big enough age gap, 7 years so I feel a 12/13/14 year old knows exactly what they are doing.  Now to you Harri... .yep you are so right.  She is not going to take ownership of her bad behavior like we do.  BTW she is in in her mid to upper 60"s and has been therapy (as far as I know) since she was hospitalized at 23.  Now a therapist is only as good as what you share with them.  I do believe she was dBPD as she is the one that shared that with me (in different times).  Thank you both.  I will try and remember not to expect a duck to act like a duck when we are dealing with mental health disorders.

[zachira]

I always teased my siblings though I was never a bully. I was the scapegoat and I think a tease because I was the target of all the negative feelings of the other family members. In your case, it sounds like your sister is really jealous of you possibly because you are younger and got lots of attention as babies do right after you were born, and then the jealousy continued when you seemed to have things she didn't, like the ability to be self aware and have compassion for others while your sister seems to have always struggled with serious behavior problems. You are hurt by how your sister has treated you and how it affects your life. Probably right now you wish things could be different and your sister would become a better person, which is unlikely to happen as it seems likely she has serious mental health problems. Probably most of all, you probably wish she would apologize for how she treated you and all the hurt she inflicted upon you. Could you write us the letter you would like to receive from your sister apologizing for all the sibling abuse? We are here to listen and support you. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Pina colada]

zachira, you are so wise.  You have beautifully explained exactly how I feel.  I do think she was/is jealous but not because of attention... .jealous though yes.  I also know all siblings tease, however, her teasing went above and beyond sibling rivalry.  Oh I could go on and on about the things she did.  I will say she has apologized but she continues to name all and bully me so it leaves me frustrated and confused and to a point where I know she is whom she is.  I will not change her.  She is in her mid to late 60"s and well she continues to be the bully she always has been.  Let me consider the letter and maybe later today!

[Gemsforeyes]

I have only recently realized that my older sister likely suffers from BPD.  My younger brother has referred to her as “psychotic”.  Her hateful behavior toward me began when I got my period at age 11 and she was 14 and hadn’t gotten it yet.  That girl punched me in the face for wearing one of her t-shirts (don’t think she was punished); slammed my precious guitar on the floor repeatedly, made numerous suicide threats to me when I was in my early 20’s (before cell phone days).  I’d be in a panic trying to find her, and then she’d call the next morning to report she’d been out dancing.  I’m 60 now and she’s still older than me.  Just learned she’s doing this stuff to her daughter... .I’m sick about it.

My old boyfriends from my 20’s are still scared to death of her.

I now realize why I sort of accepted and “normalized” exuBPDbf’s behavior for so long.

Yea, my sister has displayed some of the most deranged and hateful behavior I’ve ever seen.  Both privately and in public.  When she dysregulates, she doesn’t care WHO sees.   But I’ve also laughed harder with her than anyone else in my life.  Go figure... .

Gemsforeyes

[Harri]

Pina Colada, I think zachira made a great suggestion about writing a letter here!

Gemsforeyes, welcome to the Parent, Sibling and In-Law (PSI) board, though I am sorry you have had to deal with a disordered family member.  Your sister's behavior sounds very hurtful indeed both to you when you were a kid but also to her own child.

Why not start a thread of your own here on PSI?  That way we can all support you and explore what happened.  I actually have several questions for you!