Need direction 22yr son diagnosed BPD, trying to learn what we can do to help

[kip1]

Where do you even begin?  Never had problems with my son (22 years old, living in another state) graduates college with a mathematics degree (this was out of state as well: which my wife and I fully encouraged), follows his girlfriend to another state where he has no job.  All good, we just encourage him to get set up... .transitions are tough.  Things degenerate from there (although she is supportive of him and we have made no demands on him-albeit we don't support him economically) and he begins therapy and eventually sees a psychiatrist.  This has been about the last six months... .and was working I guess as he got out and got a job and she went off to do some summer internship thing.  About a week ago it all comes to a head and he admits himself to the ER psych, gets an eval, is given the Dx of BPD (which now having read the symptoms clearly reflects my son!).  The problem we have is that we have no way of finding out what is going on... .the girlfriend will not drop what she is doing, he is in some outpatient program now, will not give us access to his therapist so we can learn what we need to do.  In the meantime, Saturday night he asks my wife to go out there, who jumps on a plane and goes yesterday, and he still doesn't want to give us the name of the people he is seeing so we can get guidance on what we should do... .

Im ok with the fact that he is lashing out... .independence is scary and being alone is toxic.  We have told him he can hit reset and come home... .we are fine with that, but I also understand he wants to get himself through and of course we are the cause of all that is evil in his life... .

if this happened when he was a teenager I'd have the ability to do something (even though it probably wouldn't have made a difference) but now... .as a father of an adult... .what can you do?

Id appreciate any advice... .even just a point to some past discussion threads so I can learn how others might have dealt with this... .most of the literature I find, while incredibly informative, not directed towards this specific context.

thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello kip1 and welcome 

First let me say how sorry I am to hear that you are so worried about your adult son right now. You say that he recently received a diagnosis of BPD, do you know how he reacted to the news?
He reached out to your wife which sounds really positive, and your wife flew out to see him. Have you heard from your wife since she left? Hopefully she will be able to throw some light on what is going on.

You say your son won’t give you access to his therapist; he is an adult, he doesn’t need to pass the information on if he doesn’t want to and apart from that there would be a confidentiality issue if you were to get access to his therapist, although having said that, I do understand your concerns.

You are right, the literature here is informative, however, it would be helpful if you could let us know more about your situation so that we can point you in the right direction. 

[Merlot]

Hi kip1

I welcome you along with Feeling Better

Im not sure how you feel about the diagnosis but my DD27 was diagnosed three years ago. She wasnt living in the same stae as me at the time but in 2017 she was and we wore the brunt of it. I really started looking into BPD after ahe cut us off 6 months ago along with my granddaughter. The crisis is what led me here.  While she refuses to accept the diagnosis, it has been very helpful for me in understanding and like you, looking back and realising that all the drama, chaos had a basis.

While your son may not give you the name of his therapist, it may be worth finding a new one that specialises in personality disorders.

One of ylthe members here Wendydarling provided me with valuable advice when I first came abput stepping back out if the drama, learning and reflecting on how to make changes in ourselves to better our realtionship. Of course, therapy would be ideal.

A good starting point for learning is the information on the board to the right .  "Walking on Egg shells" is also a wonderful, validating introduction.

Look after yourself, you and your wife are no doubt wonderful living parents who uave done your best for your son. We are here any time you need to talk

Merlot

[kip1]

Hi folks,  thanks for the support.  It was very useful. 

As it stands now, my wife who flew out to be with him was able to talk with his psychiatrist. While he could not say anything specific, he was very open to her involvement, and suggested that it was good that she wanted to be involved.  The psych was going to reach out to my son, after my wife told my son how we got the information (amazing how HIPAA did not apply to prescription drug coverage when its on the parents insurance--a loophole but one I came to appreciate when my wife figured it out).  That done, now it is up to my son to make his decision to include her or not.   Meanwhile, my wife says things are calming down and they are talking/interacting more... .

One storm down... .from what I read, many more to come... .at least they are communicating.

[Feeling Better]

Hi kip1

I am really pleased to hear that you have heard from your wife and I hope that your worries are less now that your wife has been able to let you know what is happening with regards to your son.

Yes, you are right, it is now up to your son to decide whether he wants to include your wife or not and it is good to hear that things are calming down and that they are interacting more, very positive.

How are you feeling right now?

[wendydarling]

Hi kip1  

I join Feeling Better and Merlot welcoming you the forum. I'm sorry what your dealing with your son and can understand this is a shock, like a bolt out of the blue. I am glad your son reached out for help from your wife. He sounds a resourceful young man engaging in therapy, helping himself is very important thing to do, taking on responsibility for his mental health. Has he shared with you why he went for ER, what symptoms, behaviours? My 29 daughter was diagnosed on her first hospitalisation three years ago. She too made it through University, on her first career job, lives at home. Like you I asked myself what can I do to in support. I'm in the UK, here they invite you in for a carers assessment, I met the head of the mental health team who carried out my daughters assessment and diagnosis. At the time I knew nothing about BPD, she asked lots of questions, like can she dress herself, cook etc. She shared no details about the specifics of the diagnosis, she did however advise me to read up on BPD for me to understand how I could support my daughter, how important it is for people with BPD to feel they are understood, there is trust and love.

So here I am and I found all the how I can help from the information here and from the guidance and generous support of our parents. Many parents in addition to the support here reach out for support to navigate BPD through counselling, therapy.

Are you planning to visit your son?

WDx