I have never felt so hurt from my mother with BPD

[Shelbypup4141]

I have posted here in a long time. I was slowly learning with help from a therapist how to protect myself from my BPD smother. I forgave the past events in my childhood ( leaving soccer games early if I played poorly, not showing up to banquets if I didn’t win an award... and it goes on) and I grieved the fact she’ll never treat me the way I wish. Well this weekend I got engaged! I went over to her house to share the news the moms I walked in she says “if you do not put your brothers in your wedding I will not pay for it or attend your wedding” all I wanted was her to be so happy for me and she made this about her. ( background my siblings and I are not close they did not show up for my college graduation or say a word to me about my endgagment) she told me I’m a disgusting selfish person and everyone agrees with her. Then come to find out she met with my fiancé’s mother behind my back to get her involved and have more power over the situation. My wedding isn’t even going to be until 2020! I have not stopped crying and I don’t know how I will get over this the one day every girl looks forward too and this is how she reacts. I guess i shouldn’t expect any other response but I was praying that this one time she would be there and support me and be happy for me. I have no one to talk to about this I’m so embarrassed because it’s so Forgien to my close friends for a mother to act this way. It’s so unfair and I am extremely depressed and anxious and I’m not sure how I will get through this. I will always look back and wish my mother acted differently at this moment. I’m having difficulty accepting this is the life I have and finding ways to make myself happy without her.

[Woolspinner2000]

Oh Shelbypup4141,

I'm so sorry! How hurtful and selfish your uBPDm was, and how much it hurt you.   Anyone would be hurt by such behavior. Somehow I always find it so incredibly hard to wrap my head around the behaviors of those with BPD. Mind boggling. I would never imagine doing such a thing to my daughters, nor would you. Even so, my uBPDm would do the same thing, over and over like your mom. Many sighs.

Do you also feel disappointed in yourself because you thought you were past the disappointments with her? If so, please be sure to be kind to yourself because we are all in the same boat with you! How many times we have taken two steps forward only to feel as if we took 10 backwards.  You've not gone backwards, but forward as you realize more clearly who she is, a person who is not able to see and comprehend the needs of others.

There are options about what you can do for your wedding. Take time to allow yourself to adjust to the shock of what happened and then revisit the hope and possibilities as we brainstorm with you. Please keep sharing.

 
Wools

[Notwendy]

Your situation isn't foreign to many of us here.

When I got engaged, ( a long time ago!) I didn't know about BPD. I was raised to be compliant to my BPD mother. My wedding was lovely. I basically showed up at it because- it was her party. She did it her way. 90% of the guests were her family and friends. One person from my father's side of the family showed up. I think you get the picture, but I didn't even know what I would have wanted. It wouldn't have been a choice for me anyway- so long as they were paying.


My own idea about weddings is that they are a compromise in some ways. If parents are paying, then they have some choice in it, but if they are parents who see their child as a separate individual, they also consider what the bride and groom want.

BPD parents have poor boundaries. They tend to see their children as extensions of themselves. This means if they want it one way, it is assumed the child will too. If the child disagrees, then that angers them. Please don't take this personally.

Congratulations on your engagement. 2020 is a while to plan a wedding. It is also a long enough time to have issues with your mother over it. You and your fiance will be starting a new family together. I know you wish to include the parents, but also you and he will need to have some boundaries with your mother. If your mother is like mine, and your parents are paying for the wedding, she may insist on total control of it. Another option would be to do a smaller, simpler wedding without your parents' financial support. You can invite them, and she may or may not attend. That's her choice. It is possible that you and your fiance have a destination honeymoon ceremony, just the two of you and let her have a reception her way if she wants. There are many ways to have a wedding, but consider the expectations that may go along with them financing it.

[Learning2Thrive]

  Shelbypup4141,

Congratulations on your engagement. What wonderful news to celebrate. I am so sorry your mum is incapable of being happy for you and supprtive. I have a mum that is that way too. Everything has to be about her and there’s always painful drama. I want you to know that’s not your fault. Her behavior is about her, not you.

As the others have mentioned, you have some time before your wedding and you have many options. We are here to listen and support you with tools and resources to help you negotiate these troubled waters.

I hope you’ll take some time to take extra good care of yourself. You deserve love and happiness in your life.

Have you thought about what kind of wedding you would like? I would love to know what you like and want.

Sending you gentle hugs and smiles,

L2T

[zachira]

My heart hurt for you when I read your post. I too have a BPD mom and have never stopped wishing she would for once be there for me, instead of making everything about her. My sister's wedding was a disaster and my mom tried to get me to marry my boyfriend so she could repair her image in the community.  It is normal that you are feeling hurt and would want your mother to be happy for you that you are getting married. As others have said, you have lots of time to think about how you are going to deal with your mom wanting to take control of your wedding. It is your wedding, and of course, you want it to be an especially memorable happy day. The question is how to deal with how you feel right now, and not let it ruin the joy of getting engaged to a wonderful man. I have learned over the years to avoid sharing anything about my life with mom as she will always turn it into something terrible by saying something hurtful, making up things that are untrue about what I told her, by making it about her and trying to take complete control of the situation, etc., The other strategy I use with mom is I try to never be alone with her, and have someone present who she wants to impress (when I have to have contact with her, which I try to limit). I find mom is often on her best behavior around people who are not her children.
I know you will find your way, and you can indeed have a beautiful wedding day, with careful planning and being realistic about how mom is likely to act. There are many people who post on this Board and the other Boards about problems with weddings because of a BPD family member. You are not alone, and we are here to support you. Keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.

[Songbird88]

Hey Shelby —

So much of what you said feels very familiar to me, so I wanted to say that first off: you are not alone. It is entirely normal to be so eager to have a mother who can share in your excitement and support your decisions. It's entirely normal to want to tell your mom the news right away, hoping that she'll react in a healthy, enthusiastic and encouraging way. Unfortunately, the unpredictability that comes with BPD means you can't expect these kinds of responses.

"all I wanted was her to be so happy for me and she made this about her," you said. I relate to this very much so. When I told my mother an indie film I starred in was premiering at an international festival, all she could focus on was the fact that I invited my boyfriend to the premiere instead of her. It crushed me. Looking back, I see now that if I want that kind of support and excitement, I need to seek it elsewhere. I feel for you in saying, "I guess I shouldn’t expect any other response but I was praying that this one time she would be there and support me and be happy for me." In dealing with a mom with BPD, I've found that coming to her with ANY expectations of her response only leaves me disappointed. That doesn't mean you shouldn't share big news with her, but you must do so with the acceptance that she may not be able to say what you want to hear. Hopefully, you have other family members and friends who can share in the joy with you in the way that your mom can't. I know that isn't the same, and it doesn't make your mom's behavior any easier to swallow, but will help you to get your needs met at least since your mother simply isn't able to meet them.

When your mother calls you a "disgusting selfish person" I'm willing to bet that is classic projection. This is probably how she feels about herself. But since she is unable to own up to or explain those feelings of self-loathing, it's much easier to project it onto you. Remember that any time she hurls an insult that doesn't have any basis or evidence. She's throwing it at you so that she doesn't have to face her own reflection.

Finally, CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement! What an incredible new journey you're embarking on. Remember: This is YOUR big day, not your mother's. I can only hope you have a solid support system, and feel strong enough to assert yourself in the decision-making while planning this event. Best of luck to you!