I saw her today, after 3 months.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,


Last week I posted my story,
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327057.msg12983103#msg12983103

So, today after trying to avoid her for so long. It made me fear a lot of things in life and I was losing control and felt depressed. I have decided to go back to the same place, not to see her, but to get my favorite place back. I shared good memories with my younger brother there, and I felt it was unfair to pay for someone else's actions.


I walked and saw the people I knew, also my friends because I have been going there for two years before she was part of it. I took a fast look at her but she was "focused" doing her work. Funny, she once was filled with joy for just hearing my name.

I just went there to regain control and to drop the fear in my heart of being close to my spot. I didn't do it for revenge or to see her. I didn't feel anything when I saw her just a little sadness of what we once shared. It kept haunting me and I had to be in the eye of the storm to feel myself again. I won't let anyone ruin my life, even those who I once loved.

I'm not saying that it would help to go see your Ex and ignore her. For me, it was more than that.
I just wanted to feel that I am still strong to do the things I love without paying the price for someone's actions. Although she abused me with the silent treatment, I forgive her and want nothing from her. I just want my "Normal" life back. It is true, it is calm in the eye of the storm, and that's where I went.

I still need time to heal, but it was a good step for me personally.

[mraa90]

Hi,


Last week I posted my story,
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327057.msg12983103#msg12983103

So, today after trying to avoid her for so long. It made me fear a lot of things in life and I was losing control and felt depressed. I have decided to go back to the same place, not to see her, but to get my favorite place back. I shared good memories with my younger brother there, and I felt it was unfair to pay for someone else's actions.


I walked and saw the people I knew, also my friends because I have been going there for two years before she was part of it. I took a fast look at her but she was "focused" doing her work. Funny, she once was filled with joy for just hearing my name.

I just went there to regain control and to drop the fear in my heart of being close to my spot. I didn't do it for revenge or to see her. I didn't feel anything when I saw her just a little sadness of what we once shared. It kept haunting me and I had to be in the eye of the storm to feel myself again. I won't let anyone ruin my life, even those who I once loved.

I'm not saying that it would help to go see your Ex and ignore her. For me, it was more than that.
I just wanted to feel that I am still strong to do the things I love without paying the price for someone's actions. Although she abused me with the silent treatment, I forgive her and want nothing from her. I just want my "Normal" life back. It is true, it is calm in the eye of the storm, and that's where I went.

I still need time to heal, but it was a good step for me personally.

[Mutt]

Hi mraa90,

It sounds like you handled it well I don't hear a lot of anixety in your words. I was shaking at the knees when I would have to drop off the kids and see my exuBPDw. Did you feel anxiety? How did you feel?

[mraa90]

I paid the price in the last 3 months of living in so much pain. When I saw her car outside of the place, I almost put it on the reverse to leave. If I did that, I knew I am going to do it again and again.

I did it for myself, I deserve love and happiness. I believe those who go through a relationship with a BPD usually are kind souls. We deserve to feel safe and happy no matter what. The place is the source of my mental problem, so I went there to face it. Fear is part of the process. A lot of people told me to look for a new "Normal" in life. What if I want my life back? Growing up, I had the same pattern every day and the transition was slow. Wake up, do work, go to my coffee shop. Repeat.

What happened is that I was shocked, and forced to change my life. Forced to do other things to avoid her. Did I do something wrong? Nope. So why pay the price?

I treated her well and was there daily for her. I did my job as a good man, and she threw me away. Too bad for you, you won't find a decent person like myself. I am not full of myself, but to cure yourself you have to believe that you're a great person and have so much to offer. We give love, care, and our time. Our reward was being pushed, silent treatment, or abuse. I had them all together.

If I keep going and she is always "focused" doing her job without looking at me, then I'm fine. They have fear of abandonment and not being liked. Guess what, I'm also good at passive aggressive. But I promise you, I didn't do it for revenge. I just wanted to show myself I'm strong. I will not be broken. #TeamSurvivors

It is time to take back my life.

[Cromwell]

Hi ts your life and you have every right to walk every square inch of a place without having to 'avoid' anyone.

Sometimes during the week I have to pass where my ex works, otherwise taking an inconvenient detour. I had thought before I should just avoid it to "keep the peace" and avoid possible confrontation, but at the end of the day, why should I? The last time we met by accident she looked afterwards uncomfortable and a look of guilt and shame, a stark contrast to how aloof and belittling she had been prior. It was good to "fly the flag" and show that "yep - I still exist" and mraa90, live your live, go where you want, dont let anyone push you around or make you feel uncomfortable its her problem now not yours.

[mraa90]

I just have so much love for every person here, and I wish I could heal everyone, including myself. We can come back as strong individuals. I know for sure that most the people here are good people. If they were not decent, they would drop those who would abuse them. We cared, and we paid the price just to be dropped.

I know for sure, if we show them that we still out there, strong and alive. It was will give us back our confidence that we lost in the process.

You're right, eventually, their "Switch" will be turned back and they will feel guilty.

I mean, her best friend told me and I quote, "Find someone who's better. Who makes you happy. Don't make her your problem, and just drop her." They all knew who's the victim. Soon enough, everyone will be fed from the same pie she fed me. They will understand, and she will be left alone. Maybe then, she will start to work on herself again.

[once removed]

there are definitely two schools of thought on this:

1. the first being that its best to rip off the bandaids of grief so to speak, go all those places, do all those things, put the memorabilia away, etc.

2. the second being that one should be very gentle and careful with themselves, avoid triggers, get some space and distance before considering all of that.

i suppose im somewhere in the middle. getting to 1. is obviously ideal and a sign of healing. too much too soon is not good for anyone who is bad off. some things should be avoided. i put all relationship memorabilia away and seriously avoided sad music, for example. others, for example, struggle with seeing their exes regularly after a breakup and rightly so.

generally, when its time, its time, and we should reach for it. im glad you took that step.

[mraa90]

Hi, Once Removed


I agree I don't think seeing your Ex right after the whole thing is a good idea. Take the time to heal, step by step. Once you feel you're near healing, there is always a way to complete the process. I felt going back was the last stone. I'm not saying I was magically healed or I don't feel sad over it. It is just a matter of acceptance.

[gilac]

I think that you proved to yourself that you are living your life the way you want to without her influence. I support your decision, it's a step forward. You don't need to avoid your own life, that place is part of you, no need to change things and let the situation influence you in a way you don't want to.

My ex lives in the same neighbourhood, we are from the same hometown where you tend to see familiar people more often. I never changed my own habits and never changed my route. I didn't want any influence from the situation, continuing on my own path was the way to embrace myself. We did bump into each other three times, and I know that we will, probably already next week on a festival in my hometown. Do I want to change my plans because of her? Do I want to go around and avoid the things and places I would usually go? No.

Be strong and be yourself, you did a great job for your own well being.

[crushedagain]

It took a lot of strength to do what you did. I have to be honest in that I don't think I would have done it. To knowingly go somewhere my ex is hanging out seems like a recipe for an anxiety attack, and I avoid that at all costs. You should be proud of how you conducted yourself.

[mraa90]

I have been telling this to myself since I have decided to do it. "It is calm in the eye of the storm."
For the last 3 months, I have been driving by just to see if she's working. I know, it sounds sad, but a guy with a broken heart does some funny things. I was tired of doing things, so I have decided to go there again.

I know, what I did was crazy and extreme to some people. Hell, it was extreme when I was thinking about it. I have anxiety problems and it all comes from that place. I just needed to change the picture I have in my head.

For a while, I have been doing other things, but deep down, I knew I was doing it because I was forced. Now, I am a free man. I do what I want.

[EdR]

I think you are very brave and this could be quite beneficial to your healing.

Personally, I felt exactly the same: I thought that with low contact (instead of NC) I would at least be able NOT to fear her and just live my life. Just like you I would have seen 'going to places again with a high probability of her being there' as the final step.

Low contact failed horribly though as I am now blocked completely out of the blue. And in the rumours I keep hearing the last few weeks, it is never about her own behaviour or the scandalous way I was treated by her friends outside the bar. The main focus seems to be WHAT THE HECK I WAS DOING WALKING PAST THAT BAR?

So... .although that bar is just around MY corner and I always walked past it, she somehow manages to shift the blame towards me and let me be some kind of ultimate stalker.

And can I do anything about it? Well... .I guess any form of contact would be like a confirmation of her absurd accusation... .

My question is: how did you or would you have dealt with that possibility yourself?

[mraa90]

Since I have been going there long before, she has no right to say anything. She was the one who abused me after all. Every person that works there knew me long before, and we are sort of good friends. I just walked and passed her today, and it was crowded. She was not the crazy type in the relationship, she was just passive aggressive with the silent treatment. So basically what I'm doing is using her passive-aggressive style. Don't talk to me, I don't talk to you kind of thing. They all know she has some problems, and we are all trying to help her. She cut me from her life along with her best friend.

Also, I would rather go when she's not working because it is a bit uncomfortable, but I had to do it today. So, you have asked me how I would deal with it? Show her that you exist but don't go see her on purpose. What I mean, is that go back to the bar, but don't do it because you want to see her. Sometimes she's working and sometimes she's off. Really depends on your mood and when you want to go, not when she's there. Or, if she doesn't work there in your case, and only goes there. The same idea, go when you want to go, not when you think she's there.

I know that they have problems with abandonment or being disliked. Guess what, you giving them the silent treatment will destroy them inside. For me, she used my own fear "People leaving my life." against me. Now I'm just passive aggressive with her like I said.
 
Let me know if need more help or updates on my situation. It might help with yours.

[EdR]

Thanks mraa! My friend wasn't the totally crazy type either. Quite the introvert, although she tried very hard to be an extravert among her 2 'crazy' friends.

She never said anything harsh in my face and after that bar incident she even denied that she ever said something bad about me. She just blamed her 2 friends.

But I do know that she has this way to tell and alter stories in such a way that her friends will absolutely think she is blameless and I am crazy. A way to spread rumours while minimising the feeling of guilt or shame about it.

Please note that after that final bar incident everything seemed 'normal'. Her boyfriend thought I was a great guy and wanted to exchange numbers and meet up again together for a drink. She unblocked me and sent me an apology text. But a few days after that text, she suddenly blocked me again and even sent a family member to my workplace.

I didn't do anything in that small timeframe, so I am terribly confused about what the hell happened... .?

I am really scared that one foot inside that bar (or anywhere where she could be) would lead to new rumours and smear campaigns.

She doesn't have the right or any reason to do so. But she already did it and I am scared she will do it again. How would you deal with such a situation?

[mraa90]

Usually, people would tell you to just go somewhere else, but do you want that? I wouldn't, because I'd rather not lose to anyone. Since she has no solid evidence that you're a "Stalker" than she will eventually be seen by everyone as the crazy one. If you show up, keep your distance, don't look at her at all. If you see her boyfriend, say hello, but don't spend your time near them at all. Finish your drink, have fun, and leave.

That's what I'm doing. I remember going, and her asking me to stay for hours. Before her, I remember I just grabbed my drink and left, or spent 10 mins max. I still remember our conversation. She asked me why do I leave so fast, and I simply said, because I'm done drinking my coffee... .

Moral of the story or my point is, just do your thing, keep distance and then leave. Make it about you, and not them.

I respect that her boyfriend is cool with you, so the only thing you're obligated to do is just wave or say hello when they are together. And when you do that, look at him only. That's what I did yesterday, I said hello to our mutual friends, but didn't say anything to her.

[Cromwell]

The problem is, regardless of having "evidence", his ex managed to incite trouble against him in the past just by manufacturing lies/rumours.

My ex was very good at invoking sympathy in me of others that did her wrong, i took most of it on face value, she came across as believable and convincing regardless of having any evidence to back any of it up.

If you can live your life without going to that bar, id recommend doing so, going in when she is there based on what has already happened might be interpreted as "looking for trouble", its just the same that if I wanted a coffee there is nothing to stop me going into my ex's work, but there is a coffee shop just opposite, she could easily relate my behaviour as being trouble-making and it just incites new problems when want to defuse things. Basically, I wont make massive detours around my ex that restrict my life but im not going to go so far to "prove a point" just to put myself in close proximity to where she is.

[mraa90]

I agree with you, Cromwell. I don’t go there as much, just like before I met her. She’s the one that kept asking me to come everyday. I’d rather go when she’s off. She gave me the silent treatment, and now I’m givibg her the silent treatment and minding my own business when I see her.

[EdR]

Thank you guys. I am thinking the same thing. Not a great idea to go back there... .

[mraa90]

If it doesn’t bother you, then I highly recommend going to other places.