Afraid of the response: I'm bothered by things he says about his mom

[lostandconfused6]

Today and over the last week my PWBPD has expressed to me that he grows increasingly upset and angered by his mom and her lack of effort to spend time with him. He has said the following "she would rather throw money at me than take 20 min to go eat with me and it hurts" "i am not putting effort into anyone that doesn't put effort into me anymore" "i am so sick of asking my mom to do something with me and she makes every little excuse she can think of not to do it but then makes me out to be the badguy when i get the slightest bit upset about it" "i don't want money from her i just want time"

The whole time he is saying these things in my head i'm thinking wow this sounds so familiar

then he says he knows i care about him and i have gone out of my way to show it every single day no matter what and he needs to start being nice to the person that deserves it (me) and not the people that don't (of course i have yet to see that either)

Now anyone that has followed my story knows we hardly spend anytime together because he likes to be alone or he needs to concentrate on school or he wants to get his crap together so he feels like he deserves to do something fun... .i see him saturday nights, a little bit on sunday if he stays over (which he hasn't lately since he stripped me of my gf title a few weeks ago), and a couple times during the week he will stop by my work and visit for like 20 min... .

the statements he made about his mom bother me because 1. anytime he is around her something goes wrong 2. he can take a couple hours out of his night to go have dinner with her but can't do the same for the person that actually makes effort to be around him

This obviously upsets him and he knows how terrible it feels so why would he put me in this position? It seems like he should know better than anyone how much it hurts, and from his other statements he recognizes how much i care and try... .

How do i approach this without "playing victim" or "making it all about me"

Also everytime he calls me he talks about how he is going to handle his family and what he is going to do to his dad to get back at him or how he is goign to do all these off the wall crazy random things about school or people on the road or strangers in a store and it frustrates me because it feels like he puts no time or attention or effort into what he can do for me or us... .yes i know this sounds selfish but it just annoys me and hurts that he puts all this energy and effort into people that he has realized couldn't care less about him and things that don't matter

and i want to bring that up also but i don't know how too without starting a war. Any suggestions would be very appreciated

Also i would liek to add in there for him not to give his typical responses of "i like being alone" or "i am trying to get things straight an figured out with me" or "i'm trying why can't you see that" or "no matter what it isn't good enough" and my fav one " you get more time with me than anyone does"

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[pearlsw]

Hi lostandconfused,

Sorry you are feeling so bad about your relationship at the moment. I know how hard it is not to feel appreciated, or be given a sense of being a priority.

When I hear this my first instinct is to think of validating his feelings about his mom. You can study on on this issue here: Validation

I think it can only lead to pain for you if you any way compare yourself with his mom, especially as it sounds as if he has a big wound there and is reaching out to her to get some of his needs filled. This is his pursuit and pain to deal with. I'd do my best to depersonalize, have compassion, and take some space from it.

Is it possible to just focus on doing what you can do to find time for each other and enjoying what you do have? What parts of this relationship would you change if you could? What would be a more ideal version of the relationship and do you have any way of getting towards that?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[braveSun]

Hey lostandconfused,   

Pearlsw has good questions. I too, struggle with feeling like I don't count enough for my spouse. These days she seems to value her family more than our marriage (her second, my first). It's important I'd say to take extra care of yourself. As much as you can.

Having a vision of what the optimal relationship would look like is a good way to differentiate ourselves from some of our ingrained beliefs about intimate relationships and marriage. Than we can proactively propose activities, times off together, dates, etc...

But most of everything, I think that when I start to feel neglected, I must take this feeling back to my own ways of living, and learn to give myself some of the goodness the relationship will never be able to provide for me.

Like as in taking care of myself in an advanced way.

Does that make any sense?

Brave

[Radcliff]

pearlsw and braveSun have some good points here.  It sounds like you're busy with a full life outside of your relationship with him.  Do you feel like you are taking care of yourself well enough, though?

You are asking for a lot of change from him.  Waiting for others to change, and being disappointed when they don't, is one of the surest ways to sign ourselves up for buckets of disappointment and misery.  What would your feelings and approach be if he is still telling you the same things and behaving in the same way in six months or a year?

WW