i really do not know much

[juju2]

Hi family,

Now i am confused.   Sent an email to my sep s.o., with a plan on getting his things out of our house he moved from, last march.  I gave him a list of wverything thats his, and told him how sad i am to see these things w memories attached... .i have to move these things from my space... .

He wrote back, "it may sound strange, and i am not over you too."

should i have hope from what he is saying.  It gave me hope.

[Harley Quinn]

What I'd be asking myself in your shoes is this juju:

Was this r/s healthy for me, and has the non r/s been since breakup?  Can I possibly have a healthy r/s with this person?

Of course you felt hope.  What was his reply about his things?

Love and light x

[juju2]

He didnt address his things.

That was all he wrote.

[Harley Quinn]

Juju I suspected that was the case.  Why do you think that was?

Love and light x

[juju2]

I dont know.   What are you thinking.

[juju2]

Am still going w the plan.  His things at our house dont have any bearing on a possible future for us.  Its healthy for me to act in a healthy way, if anything.

I couldnt see this for a long time.

Any thoughts.  Thank you, j

[Harley Quinn]

This may sound cynical juju, but do you think it's possible that he made such a statement about still having difficulty getting over you to deflect from having to take his things?  It sounds like he was responding to something you said in your communication.  Perhaps he is hoping that your feelings for him will mean that you are willing to overlook the fact that he is taking advantage and using your home as a storage facility.

I'm glad you plan to opt for the healthy behaviour.  So what is the plan for his belongings?  What was the exact deadline and what have you told him will happen if he doesn't retrieve them? 

Love and light x

[juju2]

he hasnt done anything to retrieve.  So my son in law is helping me.  Not too many details here.  To what you said,
I dont know him to be dishonest.

i am confused about what he says.
  and me keeping or not keeping his stuff really has no bearing on the future.  In my mind, being healthy is good no matter what happens.

Thank you H.

[spero]

Hey Juju2,

I'll join HQ in saying  and also... .I'm going to be a little cynical about this... .

The message he sent, feels alot like "fishing you back". From his response, it doesn't seem like he is taking any responsibility for those items but has shifted to conversation from an objective tone to a more emotional approach of saying, "i am not over you". ( while that maybe true perhaps even if they are for that moment, we won't know how long that would last, since it is made on the basis of how he feels at that point )

If you are to stick to your plans, i suggest you adhere to the deadline given to collect his stuff, thereafter, you'd trash them or sent them to the recycling store. That would give him some consequences to deal with. That would send him a clear and strong message about your intention and boundaries.

Takeheart, juju2.

Yours,
Spero.

[juju2]

Thank you everyone.

 gave him a deadline, nothing is happening.

so am just letting him know its all being moved, he can get it from xyz storage.
That is the only thing i can do, in our state, you are not allowed to dispose of someone elses items, you can be sued, believe it or not... .got legal advice.  so my family is helping me, and its the best way forward... .its a lot emotionally to deal with, and at least i have a date that it will be gone.

thank you my friends for your support.  j

[juju2]

Hi, just got an email that i am being very generous, and could he call me in a couple of days.?

i emailed him, sure.

will see what happens.  thank you family.
j

[juju2]

He emailed, he wants to call

[juju2]

Idk if i did the right thing.  Emailed him to say there is nothing for us to talk about.

All i could see was more of me getting hurt.
Am moving forward w the plan to get everything of his out of my space.

Its too bad, he is throwing all good will i have to the dogs.

It just seemed like the right thing to do.  Get my life back, get myself into a healthy frame of mind.  Healthy people in my life.

[spero]

Hey there juju2,

I guess you've answered your own questions about, if he called, and your feelings were stirred again, you'd see yourself getting hurt all over again.

If you've responded to him and telling him that there is nothing to talk about, then i suggest that you enforce your own boundaries, since he might not understand or bother about boundaries.

It is good that you're working towards getting reconnected with your own being, friends and building a better life for yourself.

Takecare,
Spero.

[juju2]

Hi Spero

Thank you for your support.

I just see things i didnt see before.  When i was ground down, all of the dysfunction was like a blur.
It was chaos.  Now that am moving in a healthy direction, the chaos and what i was in, is easier, less painful to see.  He relied on me to pay the bills, grocery shop, work, and kept me in as much chaos that i wouldnt question anything. 

The hook was, anytime he felt disappointed in me, dissatisfied, i didnt measure up.  I remember many discussions on how dirty our house was, and, he couldnt breathe because of all the dust.  And i never defended myself, or asked him for help.

He did apologize for that, a few months back.  And for the most part, i never met the mark on a single thing.  That is how the crazymaking worked.!

It got so bad, if he did offer a compliment, i would minimize or rationalize it away.

I was ill, toxic, unhealthy.

[spero]

Hi Juju2,

I'm glad to hear that you're able to see things differently, and perhaps come to terms with how the situation perpetuated itself until now.

i'm sorry that nothing you did seem to measure up, and i believe that isn't true. You've done an great job handling so many things and it isn't your fault that what you've put in has not been appreciated.

More importantly, i'm glad you're moving toward being more healthy emotionally and even physically.

Takecare,
Spero.

[juju2]

Hi Family,

It was a nice call today.  He said he was going to call me, anyway, even though i said dont bother!

We had a nice chat, he says he misses talking to me.

It was great.  I got off the phone pretty quick, and it worked out, because another call came in.

Interesting.

[spero]

We had a nice chat, he says he misses talking to me.

Hey there Juju2,

How are you feeling now when you've had a nice chat and he's said that he misses talking to you?

Spero

[juju2]

Hi S.

it felt good, i was cool, not emotional, validated, listened.   Was determined to get off the phone in less than 10 minutes... .wouldnt you know, at the 9 min mark, i get a call... .instead of turfing that spam call, let him know have another call coming in,  that i need to take, maybe we could chat more another time.?

He was apologetic, nice, it was an interesting call.
He told me about our cat, that we are sharing, how loving she is, she grooms him, he is her favorite, he said its funny getting cleaned w her velcro tongue... .we just shared light, amusing stuff.

take good care,  thank you for your support!
j

[formflier]

Hey juju2

I've been watching your story from far off for a while.  Figured I would check in.

I like what I see below...

I just see things i didnt see before.  When i was ground down, all of the dysfunction was like a blur.
It was chaos. 

The above is a benefit of taking space for yourself... .which allows you to think and reflect.  Good job!     

   Was determined to get off the phone in less than 10 minutes... .wouldnt you know, at the 9 min mark, i get a call... .

I love this... .being very intentional about contact. That shows leadership on your part, for you, for him... .

Solid work!   

Think back on our talks... .how are entanglements going?

FF

[juju2]

Hi f.

Thank you for your support.

entaglements are being untangled.  Have a plan to get everything moved, emailed him the list of everything being moved. and what rang true to me, solution wise, resolution of all the things, became clear.  Once i had a clearing, am able to move forward.  My son in law is helping me, he has never met my separated s.o.

Idk if the call i got earlier in the week from pwBPD was generated to quash this upcoming detangling of all his stuff or not... .the timing makes me question that call.  Either way, i may never know, and i am pleased with my emotional fortitude.

Thank you to my community for sure!

j

P.s., the vehicles are the next to be untangled.  One step at a time!

[juju2]

hope to hear from you all.

Thanks for your support!

j

[formflier]

  One step at a time!

Yes... .  

I would add "just a touch" here.  One step at a time and "keep taking steps"... .pick a pace and stay consistent.

We'll never know the motivation for your ex to call (was he trying to undo your steps or not).  The critical reason to stick with your own plan... .is that you don't have to worry about his motivations. .

You stick to your plan.

All that being said... .I don't think the timing was coincidence.  Most likely his emotions were getting to him and he reached out for his "fix".  It was about him... .likely not about undoing your plans.   

But... .we'll never know for sure.

FF

[juju2]

F.

i believe you are right about the timing.
and his email, "it may sound strange, i also am not over you too"
In response to my email, that listed everything, his treasured possessions.
he could tell from my descriptions, and how care would be taken, that i was not over him... .thats what i made his response mean.

Have to keep the momentum, in two weeks, it starts.  all of his treasured possessions will be placed away from the life we shared.  Somehow those possessions are the only thing remembering that there was an "us"

with gratitude for support you all give, j

[Harley Quinn]

I'm glad to hear that you've made arrangements and accepted the help of your SIL.  This must feel very big?

Love and light x

[juju2]

Yes, and at the same time, it feels like by removing his things, i am giving up on the possibility of our r/s. 

he even called me this last week, he hasnt called in over a month... .  he said he misses talking to me... .

it like nothing has made sense, and nothing makes sense now.  I really am starting to understand the vast difference between us.  He has attachment disorder(BPD) and i have fear of abandonment and co dependency.  Two different worlds.