About boundaries: he's supposed to contact me, I'm now getting silent treatment

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am with my undiagnosed BPD bf for 11years now. We dont stay together, we live in our respective homes, nd talk over phone and messages and meet up and stay together like twice a month.  Besides other symptoms, the push-pull was always there for the first 7yrs. Then, following a lot of turmoil, we had a bad breakup for 10 months. It was during this time that i realised he has BPD (after suspecting something about his behaviour and searching Internet). When he came back after breakup, i had learnt about BPD and boundaries. The first and only boundary i set was that he should not lose contact with me. Earlier, he couldn't maintain continuous contact with me(bcoz of push-pull and splitting) and would not talk to me every other day and gave silent treatment without any reason. I realised, this has to stop if we have to have a relatively normal relationship.

i reinforced this boundary, and it was going quite well for the last two years. But recently i am seeing he is again falling back. Over minimal disagreements, he is again avoiding contact and this is slowly increasing.

One condition of the boundary is that he has to call me every night even if that is for 2mins. If he cant, he has to inform me. He cant simply stop contact all of a sudden without notice. And i also said, i will wait and tolerate only 2days of silent treatment.

This time he had crossed it. Its been 2days that he is not calling me or responding.

My question is, what should be my action against this breach of boundary? Stop walking on eggshells clearly says i have to 'do' something when limit is not observed. Just 'telling' is not enough. What can i do? Should i not reply went he texts again? But that will just prolong the silent period isn't it?

Please give me some insights.

[anu6]

I am with my undiagnosed BPD bf for 11years now. We dont stay together, we live in our respective homes, nd talk over phone and messages and meet up and stay together like twice a month.  Besides other symptoms, the push-pull was always there for the first 7yrs. Then, following a lot of turmoil, we had a bad breakup for 10 months. It was during this time that i realised he has BPD (after suspecting something about his behaviour and searching Internet). When he came back after breakup, i had learnt about BPD and boundaries. The first and only boundary i set was that he should not lose contact with me. Earlier, he couldn't maintain continuous contact with me(bcoz of push-pull and splitting) and would not talk to me every other day and gave silent treatment without any reason. I realised, this has to stop if we have to have a relatively normal relationship.

i reinforced this boundary, and it was going quite well for the last two years. But recently i am seeing he is again falling back. Over minimal disagreements, he is again avoiding contact and this is slowly increasing.

One condition of the boundary is that he has to call me every night even if that is for 2mins. If he cant, he has to inform me. He cant simply stop contact all of a sudden without notice. And i also said, i will wait and tolerate only 2days of silent treatment.

This time he had crossed it. Its been 2days that he is not calling me or responding.

My question is, what should be my action against this breach of boundary? Stop walking on eggshells clearly says i have to 'do' something when limit is not observed. Just 'telling' is not enough. What can i do? Should i not reply went he texts again? But that will just prolong the silent period isn't it?

Please give me some insights.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear anu6-

Well, I am falling on my face here.  All I can say is that I don’t think “punishing” him with silent treatment by not responding when he texts you will bring a good result.  If you do ST, it may create greater distance, and that doesn’t appear to be your intent.

If this is the first time he has violated the 2-day ST boundary, I would possibly ignore the violation for now (IF HE CONTACTS YOU SOON), and say something sweet.  Perhaps “I miss you and would love a kiss right now”.   When you see him, you can express that you became concerned during his absence, since you have a shared understanding.

What are your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

P.S. Do you have any reason to feel concern for his safety?  Does he live close to where you live?

[anu6]

Hi gemsforeyes,

Thank you so much for replying to my post. I came to the decision that this time I will take the opportunity to remind him of the boundary and clarify it. Last time when i told him about the boundary, it was almost two years back and i had said 'if you cant keep contact, it wont be possible for me to stay in the relationship any more'... .But according to limit settings rules, if he breach it, i am supposed to leave the relationship altogether, which may not be a healthy way.

This time i have to state specifically the boundary and its breach consequence.

Now i am totally out of ideas as to what can be done. Please give me some ideas.

Ps: At the moment there aren't any safety issues with him, he is staying with his parents.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Anu6-
If he has not violated this contact boundary in two years and there has been no discussion about it needed, then yes, the right thing to do is to remind him of it.  And your feelings about that - that you cannot stay in the relationship if he violates that boundary.  Are you REALLY prepared to leave the relationship if he exceeds the 2 days of ST?

Setting aside what the book says (I haven’t read the book), what ARE your feelings about your relationship and staying?  To me, that’s  really what lies at the heart of the matter.  Our hearts cannot be governed by what a book tells us we should do... .

Are you getting what you need and desire from this relationship?  Have you thought about that?  I need to read your prior posts, but can you tell me ... .and I understand, 11 years is a LONG time, are you both invested in making your relationship work?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes