Out of the blue, I'm her love now.

[mraa90]

I'm finally healing from my breakup in April. My ex-walked out of the door, making my life miserable and gave me a free pass to depression.

Today, I'm feeling much better, and ready to go on with life. I'm so ready to start dating again to find the right person. I'm not going to settle for anyone just because I'm lonely.

This might sound funny, but I'm only writing this to ask for an advice. I'm a gentle and a decent person, and I don't want to break this girl's heart.

Today, a person I only know through Instagram was talking to me. She told me she's BPD, and I know after my ex-destroyed my life that they cheat, lie, and always play the victim. I did at least 100+ hours of research to find an answer.

This girl has a fiance, but today she told me that her man is always "busy" and doesn't give her all the attention she needs. So she started sexting me, and it was intense... .The things I saw... First, she told me that she only wanted to play and she was just lonely. I was shocked, and took it as a joke and went with it. She asked me to be her "Sideman". After an intense conversation, and short videos of her... you know. I said that I was busy and had to go. I had to come up with something because this girl is with another man and I'm all about ethics. She asked for pictures, but I said I was out. This girl went all out on me and sent some intense videos of herself. She now calls me baby and stuff... .She's even willing to fly to me for a week.

Just before she went to sleep, she said she doesn't want her fiance anymore, but she wants to be with me. This girl lives on the East side and I live in California. She said things that made it obvious that she was just obsessed. like "We will be fine." or "I want you so bad."

I told her she can't change her future and drop her man just because we had a talk today. I mean, I know it's traits of BPD and I'm glad my ex never had those traits because it's so intense and uncomfortable. I kept telling this girl that long distance relationship is hard to maintain and that she has a man. She kept pushing me to say things and kept using the term "We" and asked me to give her a goodnight kiss on the phone. In her head, I'm her man now. I don't want to destroy her relationship with her future husband.

I know she will text me first thing in the morning. My phone is off because I don't want to deal with girls anymore. I'm just tired of this. My ex-destroyed my life and I'm not willing to go into this anymore. I'm just scared she might self-harm or go crazy if I don't text back.

[once removed]

this girl is with another man and I'm all about ethics.

its a good value.

our boundaries are tied to our values. we live our best, most authentic lives when we live by both.

I'm a gentle and a decent person, and I don't want to break this girl's heart.
... .
I was shocked, and took it as a joke and went with it.
... .
I said that I was busy and had to go.
... .
She asked for pictures, but I said I was out.
... .
I kept telling this girl that long distance relationship is hard to maintain and that she has a man.

if your value is "i will in no way be involved with someone who has a fiancee", these are blurry boundaries. theyre "half no"s.

difficult people will test and push our boundaries. it falls on us to live them.

[Cromwell]

I wouldnt worry at all about "breaking someones heart", she doesnt even know you!

id Just Block her before it generates any more momentum.

[Insom]

Hi, mraa90!

It sounds like you don't want this connection anymore but are having a hard time saying no.  I can relate not what it feels like to not want to disappoint or offend someone even when contact is unwanted. 

How are you doing this morning?  Did she text you?

[mraa90]

She talked to me yesterday telling me that she missed. Telling me That I’m adorable and stuff. I told her I’m nothing like that in person. Just trying to push her away. She told me she will be the judge when she’s up close to me. She is asking me why I’m too quiet and wouldn’t make time to text her. She’s talking to me all day, and honestly I’m not down to go deeper into the downward spiral. My first relation ended with me hitting the wall at a high speed. I have known her for 2 years and we have been good friends. I will push her away gently and hopefully it works.

[Insom]

Telling me That I’m adorable and stuff. I told her I’m nothing like that in person. Just trying to push her away.

Hmm . . .  I hear that you didn't accept her compliment but your comment doesn't really sound like "no" to me.  Do you think she could have interpreted it as shy flirtation?   

[EdR]

Just to chime in, I agree with most of the replies here. I hear you saying to us that you have clear boundaries, but I am not noticing them as clearly in your communication with this girl.

Something to think about I guess...

[mraa90]

I'm just going to slowly back off without making any damages. It's a complicated matter, and I have 0 interest in hurting anyone. At this point, I have no mental power to go through anything. My last relationship took everything from me. And now, I'm just resting.

[Insom]

I hear that this feels complicated!  Good luck with the slow-backoff.  We're here to listen if things get complicated or you just want to download.