The Absurdity of it All

[Venetian]

Yesterday, I went to call my mother just to say hello.   Mom answers the phone and says, "Hello (brother's name, whose we'll call Mark).   I can't talk right now.  I'll call you back."   I reply, "Uh, this isn't Mark.   This is Venetian."  Mom repeats herself, "Sorry, Mark, I really can't talk right now.  I'll call you in a little while."

So I hang up, perplexed.  Did she really think I was my brother?  (She is starting to have dementia, and she sometimes get confused.)  Anyway, after much thought, I realized that my mother was speaking in code.  I realized that my BPD sister and my niece were over at my mother's house and she couldn't speak to me.   Not only couldn't Mom speak to me, but she couldn't even utter my name "Venetian" over the phone, for fear that my sister and niece would hear her.  (My mom later called me back and confirmed that they were over at the house.)

My sister has forbidden me to have contact with my niece, over an earlier altercation.  Not only has she forbidden me to see my niece, she has forbidden my mother, her own mother, not to utter my name.   And my mother plays along.  This whole thing is so ridiculous and absurd.   I'm angry that my BPD sister calls the shots and runs the show.  This is my mother's house and my mother should be able to do and say whatever she darn pleases.  But no.  My sister has everyone (my mother, my stepfather, her husband, my niece) by the balls.

I'm angry at my sister for having such power.   I'm also angry at my mother for going along with this charade.   My mom is very risk-averse and doesn't like conflict of any kind.  So she takes the verbal and emotional abuse that my sister inflicts and she does nothing.   It's very infuriating for me.   My mom is 82 now and her health is failing.  Realistically speaking, she is not going to change.  Mom will continue to enable my sister's behavior, even though she doesn't like it.   I can't expect my mother to change at this late date -- she enabled my sister for 48 years and she certainly isn't going to change now.

I have to figure out how to process this anger that I'm feeling.   I'm incredibly angry, and I mean flipping angry, at the power that my BPD sister wields over everyone.   I'm just so tired of this whole nonsense.   Who the heck does my sister think she is making rules in my mother's house? And how absurd is it that my mother goes along with this?   I feel so powerless.  I know things are not going to change.   I have to find a way to deal with this anger before it eats me up inside.   

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?   Does anyone else have wacky family dynamics, and does anyone else they feel that their BPD family member has them by the balls and runs the show?

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi Venetian  

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?   Does anyone else have wacky family dynamics, and does anyone else they feel that their BPD family member has them by the balls and runs the show?

Yes. Pretty much everybody who has a BPD person that has enablers. It’s painful, disgusting, infuriating and unfair. But that’s the way it IS.

Your anger is justified, but no matter how “right” your perception is, you can not force anyone else to change. The reality is that if you want things to change, you have to be the one to do it... .because the only person we can change is our own self.

The good news is that we can do a lot and it can get better. We can step off the drama triangle. We can set and enforce healthy boundaries that are there to protect us, not punish the other person. We can allow the BPD person and their enablers the dignity of their own suffering and lovingly refuse to be drawn in to the drama. We can work on our own healing and pursue our own happiness outside of the demands of others.

There are lots of tools to help. See the green bar at the top of the page... .just click on TOOLS.

I encourage you to read other threads on this board and get involved in some of those conversations. You’ll quickly see how much you share in common with other members. We are all here to support and encourage each other. We all have something in common and some incredible experiences and perspectives that are bound to help others.

Hang in there, Venetian. Give yourself some love and wonderful self-care. It can get better. Much better than you might imagine, but maybe not in the way you think.

Sending you love, gentle hugs and smiles. You are worthy of all this effort because your life is about you.  

  L2T

[Champagne]

Hey Venetian,

Just a quick message to say I completely understand your anger, and feel it too. I also have a BPD sister who manages to manipulate my entire family (in short, they're terrified of her, so do whatever she manipulates them to do). She also has a son (my first nephew) who I'm not allowed to have any contact with (for no reason whatsoever... .)

I don't have any answers, other than agreeing with what L2T has posted - just focus on getting yourself better. Unfortunately we can't change anyone else in our family, as much as we'd like to. I started seeing a therapist 2.5 years ago to deal with my sister, and at the beginning, I remember thinking - "what's the point? If nobody else is going to change, then the situation is just going to stay exactly the same." But I've processed a bunch of stuff, and see it through a whole new perspective now, which has been incredibly healing. I've also managed to detach from the situation somewhat, which has given me the most unbelievable freedom.

Sending hugs.

[zachira]

Right now you are probably in one of the most difficult stages of dealing with a family member with BPD and the people that enable your sister. With time, you will likely be less reactive to all the injustice and hurt, and will feel less upset. It is especially upsetting now because of the concern and love you have for your niece.

[Panda39]

Hi Venetian,

I hear your frustration, it sucks to have a family member that becomes everyone's focus.  I can also hear how invalidating it is to have your own mother pretend she's talking to someone else.   I imagine this focus on your sister has been going on much of your life too.

I think at 82 after 40+ years of enabling things probably won't change around the way your mom deals with your sister.  Some Radical Acceptance might help you here.  See that relationship for what it is and let it go.  I know how much you wish things were different, but they are unfortunately the way they are.

More on Radical Acceptance
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

I agree with the others the only people we can change or control is ourselves.  Can you think of any boundaries you can set regarding your involvement with your sister that might protect you some? Maybe some boundaries with your mom too.  For example, when you are with your mom make it about the two of you and you don’t discuss your sister and her drama that could be a boundary, and could make for a nice time for the two of you.

I really like what L2T says here…

The good news is that we can do a lot and it can get better. We can step off the drama triangle. We can set and enforce healthy boundaries that are there to protect us, not punish the other person. We can allow the BPD person and their enablers the dignity of their own suffering and lovingly refuse to be drawn in to the drama. We can work on our own healing and pursue our own happiness outside of the demands of others.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Pilpel]

It is absurd.  So absurd.  

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?   Does anyone else have wacky family dynamics, and does anyone else they feel that their BPD family member has them by the balls and runs the show?

My SIL has also expressed jealousy of me. And would get upset if my mom mentioned my name.  "It's all about Pilpel."  "Pilpel thinks she's the queen."  Or she would use me as a way to get my mom to  do things for her -- "You do all these things for Pilpel, so you should do those things for me."  BTW, my mom is in her 80s, too. Which makes her efforts to manipulate my mom into doing things for her even that much more absurd.   Of course, most of this jealousy I hear about second hand.  She knows better than to express it in such an ugly and obvious way directly toward me.  

How to handle it?  You can't do much about how your mom or other people handle it.  (Though, I do have moments wondering if I should be intervening in some way since my parents are elderly.)  I think the best thing you can do is be yourself and enjoy your life.  :)on't dim your light just because your sister finds you too bright.

[Learning2Thrive]

It is absurd.  So absurd.  
... .
How to handle it?  You can't do much about how your mom or other people handle it.  (Though, I do have moments wondering if I should be intervening in some way since my parents are elderly.)  I think the best thing you can do is be yourself and enjoy your life.  Don't dim your light just because your sister finds you too bright

Hi Venetian  

It’s been a few days. How are you doing? I really like what Pilpel says (highlighted part especially).

I know, for me, one of the most difficult things has been to let go of the dream that I will have healthy sibling relationships in my FOO (family of origin). I was the oldest. I tried so hard to protect them and support them when we were kids. We bonded in the trauma we experienced at our parents’ hands. It was so hard for me to realize as adults that they are not like me. I want to support, love, respect boundaries, encourage them to grow and become their best selves. I feel no jealousy or resentment for their successes. They do not feel this way toward me.

I still love them so very much but have had to let go of my dream of having a healthy extended family relationship. Nothing I can do or give will ever fix them. They have to be responsible for themselves and their part. I can only be responsible for myself and my part. It was really sad to let go of that, but it has freed up so much energy for me to begin focusing more on my own healing and recovery.

I hope you’ll pop back in with an update. We’re here to listen and support you.

  L2T