Stuck Between Heavy Marijuana Use Versus BPD Rage/Other Symptoms

[Joe73312]

So, I’ve been following this Board a few weeks now. First, thanks to all of you, both those with questions and those who respond.  This is really a helpful place.

My uBPDw is either constantly stoned from heavy marijuana use, or dealing with marijuana withdrawal symptoms and BPD rage.  For the last year and a half, I’ve been dealing with two polar opposites—either someone who is a typical stoner (unable to form complete/deep thoughts, stay on task, or otherwise participate in our relationship in a meaningful way) or someone who is filled with BPD rage. 

We started in couples counseling, and I took the T’s suggestion for my own individual T.  My individual T recommended Stop Walking on Eggshells after about 6 months of me explaining the verbal abuse, raging incidents and similar behaviors.  My uBPDw wouldn’t seek individual T, but admitted her addiction to marijuana to our couples T.  Since he was the only one she would listen to, I agreed to stop with couples T, so that the couples T and she could work with her individually with respect to addiction.  He felt we couldn’t make progress in couples T while addiction was in our relationship (he is right). 

Anyway, as we were making the transition from couples T to individual T for my wife, the couples T implied strongly that he suspected BPD, but would be treating it as anger/childhood issues.  He let me know BPD is the one diagnosis that Ts typically don’t like to reveal to the patient, because they often run from therapy.  Right now, my wife continues to see the T for anger/addiction issues.  As such, she is technically uBPD, but all signs point to BPD, but it is coupled with addiction.

I’ve read and learned a ton, but am feeling lost.  The problem is that my uBPDw can’t seem to stay sober long enough to dig deep/do the work for anger/BPD issues.  When she tries to cease, the withdrawal symptoms from marijuana are so strong and she is filled with BPD raging, splitting, threats of divorce, and all sorts of emotional drama. 

I’m stuck between living with a stoned wife, who can’t pull herself together well enough to have a meaningful relationship, and an out-of-control verbal and emotional abuser.  We have an 8 yo child, and I want to help her find a way out of the situation.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and, if so, any thoughts or tips?  I’m trying to validate, bring calm, not enable drug use, set boundaries, protect my daughter and work on myself, but after several years of struggles, I’m finding it hard to cope.  My hope seems to be to let her individual T run its course, and do everything I can to support those efforts.  I feel paralyzed, however.

Any helpful thoguhts would be appreciated. 

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[pearlsw]

Hi Joe73312,

Well, you have certainly burst my bubble that a big bag of weed would make my undiagnosed partner with BPD traits SO easier to live with!

I am sorry to hear you are dealing with these issues simultaneously. My first boyfriend smoked a lot of pot and I feel for you. It is hard to be with someone who is stoned a lot of the time. I often felt I wasn't really with him in fact. I can't imagine she has, but has she ever expressed a desire to smoke less or not at all?

I tell ya. I don't what is worse - a drugged out partner or a partner that rages. That must be so hard! I've never had that in one person!

How is this affecting your child would you say?

Sorry you are feeling so lost, but at least you are not alone! We're here and we're listening!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Joe73312]

Thanks for your support, Pearl.  Weed has been the substance of choice for her to cope with emotional dysregulation since her teen years (she’s 40 now), and over the course of our 13 year relationship, she’s gone back and forth between heavy use and abstinence.  The last 2 years, though, have pretty much involved heavy use, with only two or three periods of about 1 month each where she tried to quit. 

She expresses the desire to quit, but can’t shake it.  She wants to quit mostly because she doesn’t feel like exercising when she smokes and gains weight from the lack of exercise and the adverse effects of the munchies.  Somewhere in her youth, she developed a poor body image and bad relationship with food... .and so all of this, I think, is part of the equation.  She can’t regulate her anger/emotions (for many of the inward-directed reasons common to BPD), turns to weed to cope and moderate, and then when she tries to quit, has a “double-whammy” of withdrawal symptoms and the underlying issues that sent her to weed in the first place.  It’s a vicious cycle.  For me, I can’t stand it, but I’ve tried to moderate in my understanding, so long as she’s in therapy trying to address the root causes, quell the addiction, and make positive steps forward.  The downside, of course, is that’s a rational view from my non-BPD perspective and thus makes absolutely no sense in her world. 

It’s definitely hard.  She’s much easier to live with while she’s stoned, but then I’m alone in my thoughts, receive no emotional/physical connection, have to constantly pick up the pieces (i.e., make sure doors are locked when we leave, windows aren’t open while the AC is on, all the bills are paid on time, our kid is where she needs to be with homework and school activities, that groceries are bought, that floors are cleaned and laundry is done).  The BPD raging is agonizing, as you know, but when she’s sober, there can be lulls between the BPD incidents.  Those are the times I feel like are her “real self”... .where she is kind, participatory in the relationship, a good mother, etc.  It’s just for the last year or two, those lulls have become fewer and farther between, by a huge margin.

As far as how it affects my kid... .I’ve grown worried.  My uBPDw is a good mom, but during the BPD rages, will turn on both of us as quickly as day old milk.  She will scream in my kid’s face (and say things like “you don’t appreciate all I gave up to be a SAHM”, name-call, coerce, intimidate, etc.  She hasn’t been physically abusive, but definitely verbally.  When I intervene, I’m accused of being a terrible parent and/or blamed for creating my daughter’s tantrums or things that led to the conflagration in the first place.  When she’s not stoned, that is when I walk most on eggshells, am a referee of mommy/daughter disputes and arguments, and constantly ready to go into protection mode.  A few months ago, my daughter and I were in the car alone, and she told me “mommy’s a monster when you’re not around” and made some other statements that broke my heard.  I’ve discussed these with my T extensively and have been working on ways to mediate, protect, diffuse, and try to keep things in check.  Weed helps my uBPDw keep these strong emotions at bay, but then I worry about my child being in the care of a drug addict while I’m at work.  It’s exhausting and hard to see where all this is going. 

At least while she’s high, things are relatively calm.  But... .the downsides now are that I don’t get the benefit of a relationship, I worry what’s going on when I’m not there, and I know it’s all a matter of time before my daughter understands what’s really going on.  God forbid, but studies seem to support, that kids of addicts sometimes pattern their development after the addict, and that’s where things get really scary.

I want to keep my family intact and salvage the relationship with my wife, but I can’t do it all on my own.  Not to mention (and though this is something I have to try to remind myself of) I deserve better, both as a spouse and as a parent.

[k54]

Hi Joe,

Sounds kind of similar to my situation. I have been married 11 years almost. Before I met my wife she was hooked on speed briefly, and smoked a decent amount of pot from what I can tell. I have twin six year old boys. She didn't smoke much throughout our marriage until about a year or two ago it started to pick up I noticed. Pretty much any time we went out became an excuse, or if we were going to have sex. Or I'm sure other times I wasn't aware of.

It was about a year ago we were having dinner in our backyard when our neighbor brought some over and she smoked a bunch and she said, "man I love pot" that something clicked in my head.

Last fall we had some very bad fights and we have been separated in our home since then. I have noticed her smoking pretty often since then. She bought a one hitter and a vapor pen. Often times I will be out and come home and can smell weed. I have also worried about some pills I found in her dresser that were unidentified. I worry about my kids too.

For me it is all in the shadows though. I'm sure any conversation would be viewed as an attempt to control her. She has admitted to addiction in the past though. But right now she is so defensive, and having some strange mid life crisis or something. I think she is struggling with it. I don't know how to approach it.

I also feel the distance some times when she is clearly stoned. Especially of we go out with the kids sometimes. This winter we were sledding one day and it was like she wasn't even there. You should really read "Stop Care taking you Narcissist/BPD."

[Joe73312]

k54,

I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with similar circumstances.  The distance created by drug addiction and abuse is awful and lonely.  Not to mention, it interferes significantly with household chores, family responsibilities, social engagements and the like.  Lately, I’ve been able to be far less annoyed by it (I still hate it), but have instead tried to use this as an opportunity to work on myself and gaining an understanding of BPD.  During the BPD rage cycles, I’m usually so worn out and frazzled and overwhelmed that I almost can’t make time for self-care.

Thank you for recommending Stop Caretaking.  I’m about half way through it. So far, it seems pretty preachy.  For example, it says things like “you’re feeling x, y or z” or “in response to something, you do 1, 2 or 3”. The overarching message, stated plainly, is that “you’re dealing with someone who has an incurable mental illness... .stop rationalizing, stop picking up the pieces and reinforcing bad behavior, and make yourself whole before you decide what to do.”

Usually, I don’t find preachy books very helpful. I guess I don’t like to be told what to do by someone who hasn’t met me (and even some of those who know me).  This book, however, is spot on about how I fee, how I act and react, and is really helpful so far.  The trick is going to be to implement its suggestions in real life and follow through until I regain myself.

Thank you for recommending it and for your advice. Good luck with your situation. Mine is constantly crazy and I guess your must be, too.

[braveSun]

Hey Joe73312 

I'm sorry that you find yourself facing your wife's marijuana addiction. This can be a tough one on the self-esteem of the partner. Especially when like you say, they are using the substance as self-medication (self-soothing).

I can relate to that very much. The regularity of it, the paranoid thoughts, the ups and downs of withdrawal. My spouse has a medical marijuana prescription. But there has been many occurrences of just plain recreational usage. There has been impaired judgements, even balance issues at times. I even considered at time that the kind of marijuana she was tanking might be too strong for her intended purpose. Now that I am not there to see it everyday as I live in the city (not at her house), it's a bit easier on me. But it breaks my heart. 

It seems at times that the drugs can do no wrong. I had to accept that I could not compete against the addiction per se. I had to move my focus to what I could do. Where I could have some control over the situation. My boundaries were in general respected OK, until one of her smoking buddies moved in on the property. I did object to that but my opinions were not consulted. Eventually we took an apartment in the city and I decided to stay there to look for work. Better choice for me for now.

One thing I find has helped very much is to find a great support group for people in recovery from addictions and their loved ones. ALANON is one example of these groups. I didn't particularly take to the philosophy of that group, but I found another one more in line with my beliefs. This has helped me greatly. Because I felt there among interesting people who are truly battling with the under layers of their addictions. There I found solace. In turn my spouse noticed that I was being more peaceful. I told her I was going there for my group meditation. Didn't explain the particulars. She said that my going to that group was a good thing. 

I'm not sure yet, and I would like to ask other members who have had experience with that, but I think that over time my spouse has moderated her usage more, and that even though since that time our contacts were for shorter times, she has been more sober when we have met. Not a radical change, but it means a lot to me.

Anybody who has had experience with support groups for loved ones of people struggling with addictions?

 

[Notgoneyet]

I'm not sure yet, and I would like to ask other members who have had experience with that, but I think that over time my spouse has moderated her usage more, and that even though since that time our contacts were for shorter times, she has been more sober when we have met. Not a radical change, but it means a lot to me.

Anybody who has had experience with support groups for loved ones of people struggling with addictions?

       
   My uBPDw & I have been going to an AA, Al-anon mixed 12 step group weekly for almost 2 yrs now.  I think I get more out of them then she does which is ironic because she's my qualifier ( Struggling w Alcohol addiction on & off for 1/2 her life). She finally has a sponsor that she gets along w & is working the steps. There are a some lines read at each meeting talking about those unfortunates that can't be truthful w themselves for them their chances are less then good for this program to work for them.  I sadly think of her when I hear that. Progress has been made but ever slowly w lots of recycles . In my opinion driven by her BPD dysregulation.
   I continue to go to meetings because I continue to benefit by hearing stories that I relate to and sharing lightens my mind.  I have witnessed the miracle off recovery w my own eyes & ear at these meeting & it's very encouraging !
      Peace & Hope ,NGY

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[Notgoneyet]

 Hey Joe73312  Empathy  & BraveSun,
  So sorry you are having to deal w ADDICTION as well as BPD.
 I know 1st hand what a double gut punch it can be. Forgot to mention in Quote above my SO was forced to start AA meetings by Court after 3rd DWI , 1week jail,2 SATOP classes, 5 wrecked minivans. 2-3 near death experiences.  Note: not in order of occurrence or importance!
 Just wanted to drive home the point of how serious, life changing, & expensive ADDICTION can be!
  Good news is shes going to some meetings ,and working on steps on her own finally (not court ordered)
     Good luck w your battle, Stay w us here too,  NGY
   

[braveSun]

... .I worry what’s going on when I’m not there, and I know it’s all a matter of time before my daughter understands what’s really going on.  God forbid, but studies seem to support, that kids of addicts sometimes pattern their development after the addict, and that’s where things get really scary.

I want to keep my family intact and salvage the relationship with my wife, but I can’t do it all on my own.  Not to mention (and though this is something I have to try to remind myself of) I deserve better, both as a spouse and as a parent.

No. You can't do it all on your own. You need support.

Even if for a start you are doing this for your daughter. You need to find some people who share your values and can understand what you are going through. You need to validate your own version of life. Your reality.

When you are having nothing to refer yourself to but the on-going chaos and drastically reduced connection with your spouse, you are not having your needs met. You as a human being deserves better. Your daughter does to.  She needs a role model that is strong.

I did have an alcoholic father. One thing I need to say is that my mother, along with some of my teachers at school, did model for me a stronger sense of self. It was not perfect, but it is very possible that the damage done by the addicted parent be mitigated by the sober parent.
 
My mother did appreciate and encouraged the interest my school teachers had in me. So I felt  supported into a better life. I remember feeling hopeful and confident when I left home for college on my own. Life was still structured, and I was well on my way.

I had piano lessons back than. I sunk my teeth into it as a teenager. I even went into regional competitions. Than when I got into college, I was well on my way with a quality structured and stable life.

Even now as an adult I know that I have some psychological impact from my growing up with a father struggling with addiction. There must have been some mental health issues as well, but back than we didn't have the language to understand what it was. Now I would say that I know about the cycles and the sensitivities of addiction. It is in my emotional markup. However, I do have a solid measure of where my limits are with my glasses of wine. I know how to listen to my body, and I have a very good sense of personal efficacy from all my years of practicing the piano.

Joe73312, I'm sorry that you are undergoing this  

It's tough. Your worries about the effect on your daughter may be appropriate. The good news is, it doesn't mean your daughter will become addicted herself. You can play a role in this. Everything you do to help her develop good skills now will mitigate that effect.

Take heart! Reach out to people who are on their way with this.   

Keep posting.

Brave