Posting here instead of checking my exBPD blog.

[CryWolf]

Was scrolling through pics. Hers popped up. Tears came down. She barely crosses my mind, I barely miss her. She is dead to me. But I saw the pics, and moments of happiness came. Or it could be longing for her and the idea of what could have been.

I want to check her blog. I want to see if she writes of me. Or if she’s living happily ever after with that new guy. I don’t want to risk seeing that. I don’t want my ex back. I miss the memories. I did everything for her only to be discarded.

I moved on. But yet here I am. I have anger and resentment but I still harbor love. I miss her but hate her.

I am trying to hold back seeing her blog. Someone tell me I shouldn’t check. I am very curious.

I messaged her two days ago for my notes back. I didn’t want to remake the notes as a lot of time went into it. I told her to ship them to me or meet me. Of course no response. I need those notes back.

[Mutt]

Hi Crywolf,

But I saw the pics, and moments of happiness came

I think that you have it right here - moments of happiness can you remember those times that she gave you a hard time too? Can you share them here tell me a time where she treated you awfully?

Regarding your notes you put a lot of time into it i can understand that do you need them back ASAP for another project etc or can you wait and try again in the future to get them back?

PS good idea to post here 

[FaithfulInLove]

Dear CryWolf,

thinking of her/seeing her pics still makes you so sad... It's understandable, you have great memories together and she just gave up on all this... .

Maybe give yourself some time to really be sad and mourn your relationship? Time to cry about it? You don't have to be over this fast. It's important to allow ourselves time to really process what happened to us, to be sad.

It also is important to work on ourselves, pull ourselves out of there and meet new people, just like you do. Just wanna remind you that rushing things won't help.
Times of distraction are good, times of just processing are needed as well - at least that's what I think. I'm not saying lock yourself at home and cry for the rest of your life - I just mean, take your time, you don't need to have your emotions sorted by now.
Be understanding with yourself.
And it's good that you post here because you know her blog would probably hurt you. I am often not that strong and check my ex's mum's Facebook who keeps sharing pictures of his rebound girl - and this really does not make things better for me. So it's a strong move from you to hold back reading that.

When it comes to those notes, I hope you'll find a way to get them back. Do you have friends who are still in touch with her who could help you out if she does not want to talk to you?

  Faithful

[CryWolf]

thinking of her/seeing her pics still makes you so sad... It's understandable, you have great memories together and she just gave up on all this... .

Maybe give yourself some time to really be sad and mourn your relationship? Time to cry about it? You don't have to be over this fast. It's important to allow ourselves time to really process what happened to us, to be sad.

When it comes to those notes, I hope you'll find a way to get them back. Do you have friends who are still in touch with her who could help you out if she does not want to talk to you?

  Faithful

I grieved since December. I don’t want to give her anymore of my time. I gave her everything. Even after the breakup. She fell in love with someone else.

We don’t have mutual friends for the notes.

Hi Crywolf,
 

I think that you have it right here - moments of happiness can you remember those times that she gave you a hard time too? Can you share them here tell me a time where she treated you awfully?

Regarding your notes you put a lot of time into it i can understand that do you need them back ASAP for another project etc or can you wait and try again in the future to get them back?

PS good idea to post here  

Yea most of those pics were mere moments of happiness and I remember either hours after or before I was getting  the SIlent treatment. Lol
Another pic was of a tragic car accident we endured. Trauma bonding memories. I should delete our pics. But she was my first love. And I can’t seem to delete them.

I don’t need the notes right now necessarily but knowing her she would probably throw them away.

I think the urge also came because, she’s with someone new in a relationship and seems happy. Yet she abused me, and made me a mess. The messed up part is everyone I date ends tragically and I feel like something is wrong with me. Was she the healthy one and I was the toxic one? My T says no. But it’s hard being positive when you start to wonder if something might be wrong with you and you can’t maintain a relationship with anyone.

I also think that school is starting soon, and I will be forced to see her or her boyfriend or friends on campus again.

[juju2]

Hi C.

guess its important for me to be in reality, accepting the good and the bad.   I had a puffed up memory of the good, and a minimized idea of the bad.    Just to get to this place of awareness, from an objective view, 30,000 ft. Is a miracle for me.

Celebrate all that you are doing that is nuturing, good, and upbuilding, healthy for you.

What happened to me is i forgot to take care of myself.  In these r/s, we must take extra good self care.  Look at therapists who work w b.p.d, they have to put themselves in therapy!

Its all mindfulness.   Its all baby steps... .

Its all ok.   You are o.k.

j

[Cromwell]

Hi CryWolf

I felt the same when I accidentaly found she was still on my whattsapp when I reinstalled it, I saw her profile pic with her fake smile and it made me instantly nauseated. Actually I couldnt pin down why, but what you said seems to make sense. After the ordeal I went through, to see her continue in life so non-chalant about it all, it strikes deep towards a sense of unfairness, injustice, I can understand feelings of anger and resentment intermixed with love. You wouldnt be feeling this way if you had not developed genuine strong feelings. Those times of happiness wouldnt have been what they were, if you never allowed yourself to be vulnerable and to have loved her as you did.

There are times I momentarily regretted that I erased every picture of her and us, but I did the right thing. She has them all on facebook anyway, she deletes nothing. Trophy pictures? Who knows - all I can say is that in order to move forward I wanted to clear the deck and not hang on to any nostalgia - good or bad. That might sounds a tad "radical" yet its important not to forget, this type of relationship by all extents was radical, not the norm, and I felt needed a unique approach to detach from it than I would have done otherwise.

So im posting here to support you not to look at her blog, etc, because it is a platform for you continuing to feel hurt by and invokes an immediate emotional response. I thought aswell that I had forgotten her, moved on, until I saw that single profile picture and the nausea (which I relate more to anxiety than disgust) kicked in and took more than just a cold shower to wash away. The emotional attachment was still there and maybe in one way it was important to experience so you can guage just how much work needs to still be done?