Wife w/BPD intentionally underemployed after receiving SSDI benefits

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My wife w/BPD was awarded SSDI disability benefits (aka Social Security Disability) last month.  While this is a great financial safety net for our family, the first thing my wife did after receiving SSDI was to cut her part time hours in half.  The net result of this is that she is no longer able to pay her medical bills in full.  They are starting to add up.  I would estimate they are currently $5,000-$7,000.00.  If she would work just 1 more hour a day she would be fine--or if she would cut some spending.

I have asked her to consider to increase her work hours and her response is always, ":)on't count on it."  Whenever I ask about her long term financial plan it is always, "I dunno."

She currently contributes to the family finances by paying her healthcare premiums and contributing to car insurance, food costs, and home insurance.  She is contributing some, but not much, to her savings and retirement.  However, as her medical bills grow she will eventually be unable to contribute.  I have made it clear I expect her to contribute, but I have never pulled the "nuclear option" and told her I would ask her to move out if she cannot contribute.

Right now I am upset that she cut her hours in half and feel resentful that she is working 2-3 hours per day and setting herself up for failure after finally receiving SSDI benefits.  She asked if she could cut 1 hour off of her schedule, but she cut 3.

Some ideas I have are:  showing her charts/spreadsheets of the budget gap, make it clear I will ask her to leave if she can't contribute, or ask her to attend couple's therapy with me.  Doing nothing is not an option because she will just ignore the bills until they become overwhelming, then she will threaten to commit suicide then end up in the hospital.

What are some ideas which you have?

[Michael43]

My wife w/BPD was awarded SSDI disability benefits (aka Social Security Disability) last month.  While this is a great financial safety net for our family, the first thing my wife did after receiving SSDI was to cut her part time hours in half.  The net result of this is that she is no longer able to pay her medical bills in full.  They are starting to add up.  I would estimate they are currently $5,000-$7,000.00.  If she would work just 1 more hour a day she would be fine--or if she would cut some spending.

I have asked her to consider to increase her work hours and her response is always, ":)on't count on it."  Whenever I ask about her long term financial plan it is always, "I dunno."

She currently contributes to the family finances by paying her healthcare premiums and contributing to car insurance, food costs, and home insurance.  She is contributing some, but not much, to her savings and retirement.  However, as her medical bills grow she will eventually be unable to contribute.  I have made it clear I expect her to contribute, but I have never pulled the "nuclear option" and told her I would ask her to move out if she cannot contribute.

Right now I am upset that she cut her hours in half and feel resentful that she is working 2-3 hours per day and setting herself up for failure after finally receiving SSDI benefits.  She asked if she could cut 1 hour off of her schedule, but she cut 3.

Some ideas I have are:  showing her charts/spreadsheets of the budget gap, make it clear I will ask her to leave if she can't contribute, or ask her to attend couple's therapy with me.  Doing nothing is not an option because she will just ignore the bills until they become overwhelming, then she will threaten to commit suicide then end up in the hospital.

What are some ideas which you have?

[Notwendy]

How would her moving out help the financial situation? Two households are more expensive than one. I don't know the laws in your country or state, but in general, debt is joint debt when a couple is married.

I understand your reasoning and want to have her working more, but consequences such as moving out need to be realistic and attainable. I don't know if it is possible to force a spouse to move out.

Also, is there a limit on how much she can work and also receive SSDI?

[Michael43]

Notwendy,

Thanks for the ideas.  We have gone through the courts to get a financial separation in my state.  It protects me from her new medical debts but not ones before the separation.  This limits some of my liability for her debts.  Her healthcare premiums will run about $750 per month & it is her responsibility under the settlement agreement on the financial separation.

The issue that I see is that this is some sort of self-sabotaging on her part.  At some point her spending could threaten my ability to pay the mortgage, retire, and pay for our daughter's college education.  I have learned from past experience if there is a small issue tackle it head on instead of waiting until it becomes a catastrophe to deal with it.

So far I think I will use the "carrot" approach instead of the stick.  I could show her that by working an extra hour per day she could more than than double her "fun" spending money.  In addition she could greatly increase her capacity to pay her bills.  I don't want to bring up the moving out thing if I either will not or can not enforce it.

[Lady Itone]

My exgfBPD32 also collects disability, and she has some sort of disability medicaid, which is good since she's in and out of the hospital frequently. Maybe your wife qualifies for disability medicaid so she's not racking up drs bills?