Break up from my boyfriend who I think has BPD

[Tsultan]

Hi I have read numerous articles and one book called loving someone with BPD. This site seems like it contains vast amount of information. I decided to ask for space from my BF because I was once again being blamed for his detachment break ups from our relationship. He said my anger caused him to detach. I can honestly say my anger was not intense or abusive towards him. After I said I needed space he tells me that what I am asking for is unacceptable and he does not want to be in a relationship with me because he has been lonely and is making self sacrifices. What he doesn’t realize is the reason he is lonely is because he keeps detaching and then I go on living my life. For example Memorial Day weekend I made plans with my cousin because he detached one week prior. Then we get back together and I certainly cannot cancel my plans with my cousin but now he is left alone and feels lonely. He doesn’t get that he is the cause for his loneliness. I know I’m not responsible for his happiness he is. This has been a constant pattern in a 3 1/2 year relationship. I finally give up. I’m sad and grieving. I stuck with it for too long probably but I felt like his words were not matching his actions. He bought a house for us all the while knowing I could not commit until the detachment stopped. Nobody understands why I could love someone who treated me badly. There were a lot of good traits he had. He was honest, vulnerable, affectionate, good with his money (someone’s too good - ) kind, but sometimes not so kind, and we prayed together which was really special to me. It wasn’t like I was desperate I just loved all those traits and wasn’t willing to let them go without a fight. He asked his therapist if he had BPD but she said no he does not. That’s according to him. It’s been a month. I usually reach out after about 3 weeks. I’m getting the urge again and I’m trying not to. It’s never going to work if he keeps breaking up. So that’s why I came to this site. For support. I certainly have learned a lot about the disorder. I can be grateful for that.

[Harri]

Hi Tsultan and welcome to the board.  You have found a place where lots of people can relate and understand the feelings you talked about in your post.  It is painful to be with someone who hurts us and has no idea how they are creating their own endless loop of pain and isolation. 

It sounds like you have a lot of self-awareness and knowledge about the disorder.  If you want to do even more reading, check ou the links over on the right side of the page.  There are many articles that can help you understand even more.  Even if nothing is new it is good to read for confirmation that you are not alone with what you experienced.

The best way to heal IMO though is to read and respond to posts here on the board.  Responding to others helps not just them but you as well as you share ideas and thoughts on your relationships and healing.  The thing to focus on is that things do get better over time. 

Again, welcome to the board and I hope to see you around.

[DogMan75]

Welcome Tsultan!

It certainly sounds like your head is in the right place, and I’m glad you’ve found your way here -it’s amazing just how similar so many of our experiences are. I’ve been through many breakups in my life, but there is nothing so tragic as watching someone you love self-destruct as the result of a mental illness which they deny. I wish I could say that I couldn’t relate.

There comes a point where we must admit that we are powerless to help them beyond a certain point, and that they must do it for themselves.

I hope you find your time on these boards as helpful as I have. I’d have been lost without them.

The best way to heal IMO though is to read and respond to posts here on the board.  Responding to others helps not just them but you as well... .

So true. It’s always so much clearer addressing someone else’s problems. I often feel like I start out speaking to other members, but somehow end up talking to myself.

[Tsultan]

Thank you for your support. I will check out the articles to the right. It sure is a help having someone out there who understands what I am going through because they have been there before. Thank you so much!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Tsultan,

I'd like to join Harri and DogMan75 in welcoming you to the board.  It's great that you found us.  I'd like to commend you on your awareness of your situation and yourself.  You're off to a good start in detaching and healing.  Having knowledge does help, and seeking support is a wise move so I'm glad you reached out.  Do you have supportive friends/family/a therapist?

I really feel for you as having such a strong connection and the positive qualities we love is really hard to step away from.  It shows real strength that you've reached this decision to detach and to go through the pain of losing that. 

It’s been a month. I usually reach out after about 3 weeks. I’m getting the urge again and I’m trying not to. It’s never going to work if he keeps breaking up.

How are you doing at present?  I would count the hours, the days and then the weeks of not giving in to that urge.  Can you reward yourself somehow for remaining strong? 

It sounds like in 3 1/2 years you've had plenty of experience to know that it's unlikely this behaviour would change without his acknowledgement and some serious commitment on his part.  The only thing we can control is what we do.  Some members have even had friends hold their phones so they were unable to reach out in a moment of desperation.  We have to do whatever it is that helps us to keep going on our journey to put our own needs first.  Try to keep in mind the reasons why you can no longer accept the way things were. 

Have you written in a journal at all?  Many of us find that writing helps.  Personally I wrote a list of all of the things that were unhealthy for me in the r/s and the behaviours which were deeply upsetting and traumatic.  Any time I felt like breaking the boundary on myself, I'd reference that and remind myself of everything that was at stake. 

Love and light x   

[Shawnlam]

Hi Tsultan :
    It’s tuff not reaching back out to them trust me we’ve all done it .Your analysis of the situation is spot on really about actions over words .Also the definition of BPD isn’t as important as the traits one may have.Just because your bf wasn’t labeled BPD doesn’t me he doesn’t have certain traits .The most important thing right now is you! It’s very tuff to walk away from someone we love so much ,because we know they are in ways bad for us at the same time. The best thing to do is read up on here the stories ,tips , post what you are feeling and why.Hopefully we can all be of some help and I assure you we have felt exactly how you feel now so you are not alone!

[Zemmma]

Can relate to being with someone who breaks up multiple, multiple times. It is so painful every time! And I too LOVED his good qualities! They were so good, as though I had custom ordered them! But to keep engaging with someone who pushes and pulls... it is so sad, so hard, and really damaging. Eventually you get to a point of no turning back.

I used to tell him that I imagined it like a big trampoline. As he pulled me closer... , maybe we had a romantic, passionate, fun weekend, spending days together. I would imagine I was on the inside of the trampoline, in his inner circle. I would be the happiest there, and the most vulnerable.

So when I was safe and happy on the trampoline- if he suddenly or even slowly pushed me away I would be so hurt! It would rip and tear at my heart. When I was in the inner circle I would expect things of him, and feel so much pain and would make a fuss if he suddenly closed me out or pushed me off of the trampoline, out of that close, warm spot on the inside.

After he pushed me away, I would adapt. I would freak out, and then it would pass. I would settle down. I would expect less. I could handle longer silences. I felt stronger in the distance. He could hurt me less. I was on the outside. I would be living my separate life. He couldn't hurt me. From this place, I could more casually reengage. And slowly once again, he would pull me in.

This is how I envisioned it. How I even explained it to him. A trampoline. This reminds me of the detachment you talk about.

I am fully out now. He broke up with me fairly cold turkey over two months ago. He briefly reached out with feelers in a casual way about unimportant stuff in the first few weeks and I didn't engage much. This time feels different. Of course I want to make contact as you do. But this time I feel done in. I am aware enough to feel that this constant pushing away, this detachment is an enormous insult to me. His projection is an attack. I don't deserve poor treatment and neither do you.

I am giving myself a chance to sit back and do nothing. You can always come back from doing nothing. I took a deep breath early on and realized, "there is no fire." He still lives and breathes. I still live and breathe. Yes, I want to see him. But yes, he will continue to repeat this push and pull cycle. He somehow thinks its okay. Or if he doesn't then he has no control over his own actions. Either way, I am the one that gets tossed out, and I am the one that has to deal with the fallout and heartbreak. How many times can you give someone control of your emotional well-being once you know that they will not act in the best way they can to protect it?

I love his qualities, but if I am honest, I know I can not have them in my life because he is not willing or able to give them to me. Not consistently. Not without this repeated pain.

If one man can have those lovely qualities you found and loved, then can't some other man? No man will be the same, but maybe what made this man so special was you loving him. I can't believe there was only one man in the world I could love, and that it just so happens that that man can't love me enough to stand by me.

I hope these thoughts can help you. Perhaps you feel the same about these multiple break ups. It's really exhausting and unfair. The other thing I can say to you... when you said you usually contact him after 3 weeks, but it has been 4... If you do contact him you will never know how long it would take him to contact you. And what will he say or do when he does? That is probably the biggest thing keeping me from contacting him right now. If I contact him first I will never get to know what he would have done. This time I am going to breathe, and wait. And if he waits forever... well... how important was I to him? Or maybe I was, but that would surely show me his determination to leave me forever (because he has decided that is best for him). And then out of a kindness to him I will comply. If someone is that desperate to leave me that they do it again and again, and finally stick to it, then I will assist. That is not the special someone that I want as my partner when there is a possibility I can have so much more.

[Harley Quinn]

How many times can you give someone control of your emotional well-being once you know that they will not act in the best way they can to protect it?

... .So when I was safe and happy on the trampoline- if he suddenly or even slowly pushed me away I would be so hurt! It would rip and tear at my heart.

... .That is not the special someone that I want as my partner when there is a possibility I can have so much more.

Wise words Zemmma and I can entirely relate to your description of what it was like to experience the good qualities and wonderful loving times followed by their withdrawal repeatedly.  It is so painful. 

How are you doing Tsultan?  Let us know how you're feeling and any thoughts that are coming up for you.  It has helped me tremendously to let my emotions out on the page and I hope it can do the same for you.  We're here for you 

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi Tsultan,



I just want to join the others and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you went through several break-up make-up cycles, I think that reading from your post that he self sabotages the r/s. I completely understand I seperated from my ex uBPDw several times before we had the final breakup she crossed a line that I couldn’t accept - cheating. You’re not alone

[Tsultan]

Hi friends, I am okay. I had a slip and did actually text him twice, and called once in a span of 6 days. Thinking I will be friends and strong enough to hold my boundaries but he never returned my text or phone call. Probably best because i let myself get pulled in again.

I find strength in your reply’s.

I’m new at this on-line support and still trying to navigate all responses to my post but not sure if I’m getting them all.

I do go to a 12 step recovery group for being affected by someone else’s drinking. I have a sponsor and friends in that group. Most were non judgmental, patient and loving with situation. Some were frustrated with him. My kids did not accept him from the start. Anyway, feeling stronger today. Sometimes when I start to miss him  I’m trying to honor my grief feelings by feeling them. Sure, I’m going to miss the good stuff. That’s okay. I think it’s a process. I am going to try my best to trust that God will provide for me everything that I need. He put me through a lot of really crappie stuff. I would just dismiss it as he really does not mean it because... .
I am too empathetic sometimes. I like what was said about holding boundaries for ourselves. I need to remember to put myself first in this instance. I know I will heal.

[Harley Quinn]

I had a slip and did actually text him twice, and called once in a span of 6 days. Thinking I will be friends and strong enough to hold my boundaries but he never returned my text or phone call. Probably best because i let myself get pulled in again.

It's OK to slip.  It's very hard to resist those urges when they arise.  How are you feeling at the moment?  We can feel on top of our game one day and the next go to pieces.  Don't be surprised or disappointed in yourself if you cycle through many emotions.  That's normal and to be expected.  We're here on your good days and your tough ones.   

Sometimes when I start to miss him  I’m trying to honor my grief feelings by feeling them. Sure, I’m going to miss the good stuff. That’s okay. I think it’s a process. I am going to try my best to trust that God will provide for me everything that I need. He put me through a lot of really crappie stuff. I would just dismiss it as he really does not mean it because... .

That's a wise move, to allow yourself to just be with your feelings as they come up.  If what you need is a good cry, then let it out.  What we resist persists.  Try to take some time each day to just check in with yourself and notice how you're feeling emotionally and how that feels in your body.  It helps. 

You're right, it's a process and that process can be a winding one, so be kind to yourself and listen to your needs.  The Lessons are really helpful in showing us where we are at present and which way to aim.  It'd be interesting to hear where you feel you are in the process at present after reviewing lesson 1. 

I used to excuse awful behaviour too and eventually we must value our own well being enough to remove ourselves from harm, whether that be physical, emotional, financial or otherwise.  I'm glad that you're putting yourself first now.  Keep your support network close and take great care of yourself as though you were an injured person you have gone to the aid of.  You need that care now as you grieve and heal.   

Love and light x

[Tsultan]

I think I cycle through all of these stages. I didn’t realize how long ago I started the bargaining stage. I remember thinking well, we could just have fun and enjoy each other’s company. Meanwhile 2 1/2 years later I am attached to this man who has been in my life during tough times and good times and I continued to bond with him. I’m so glad I learned and read about the bond dynamic between a borderline and a non borderline. It’s true, I did feel special to him. Like I was his special person who only understands him. (He even talked about that in different ways now that I look back on it.) then there was the idealization phase. I didn’t know BPD’s did that too. I though only NPD did that. It’s possible he has both traits.

At times I’m angry with him. For the first time however I’m finally starting to accept the reality of who he is. So I think that’s a good sign. Acceptance. I do sometimes feel depressed like today a little bit. I sat with the feeling however and it passed.  I will even go back to denial once in awhile for a short time. It’s all getting better though. My new normal.

[Harley Quinn]

I like your description as this being your new normal.  I can assure you that in time you'll experience a new normal which is far more comfortable, as long as you continue to allow the process to unfold.  Patience is a must as this can take time yet is worth it in the end to not have unresolved feelings lurking beneath the surface, which can hold us back. 

Well done on sitting with the feelings.  This can be really tough when they are so uncomfortable.  It's good that you recognise when you feel depressed.  It's a good idea to keep an eye on that and seek help from your doctor if necessary.  Many of us sink into depression after these experiences and remaining vigilant can prevent us from getting stuck there.  Personally I went against a long held view that I could cope through anything without medication and accepted an SSRI, which proved a big help.  We all know our own limits.

Reaching acceptance is a really positive, if often painful thing and a definite step towards healing.  What if anything do you find you struggle with the most as you cycle through the stages?   

Love and light x