BPD sister harassing our mom

[Tregonsee]

It has been a while since I last posted.  I guess I just need to vent.  BPD sis has been calling our mom asking for money.  She lives out of state, quit her job over a year ago and in a moment of weakness I agreed to help support her financially.  So I have been giving her money every month to help pay rent etc. while she sits around not working.  Our last conversation did not go well (this was described in my last post months ago, we have not spoken since.)  At that time I was angry because she violated our agreement, which was that she would not ask mom for money, that I would be the one to give her money.  She replied "you are not the boss of me."  But, after that things were quiet.

Suddenly in the past week or two she is calling our mom asking for more money.  Mom (who is almost 88 years old and has mild dementia) is very upset and anxious, and told her she doesn't know what to do and couldn't help her.  She called mom again tonight and told her if no additional money is sent "I guess you will have a dead daughter" and that apparently she was going to call a crisis hotline.  Apparently she had a cold and some other infection and has some medical bills. 

I believe this is an extortion attempt. BPD sis has never threatened or attempted suicide before to my knowledge (she is 62 years old.) She never cut herself or did any other self harm.   She did not contact me to say she needed additional money.  All she has done is send a card every month thanking me for helping (and yes it is irritating since that is my money she is wasting on a card and a stamp.)  I know it sounds harsh but rather than being in fear about what she will do, I am just angry.  I'm angry that she continues to break our agreement that she is not to ask mom for money and is using threat of suicide to extort money from mom.  She doesn't know that mom tells me what she is doing.

At this point whatever happens I refuse to feel like I am guilty of anything.  I told mom that if she calls back, have her send whatever bill needs to be paid directly to me.  Because I don't trust her at all.  She is a pathological liar.  For all I know there is no bill, she just wants more money to waste on useless things.  She is like a black hole, just sucks in everything including money forever.  If there is a valid issue (like a medical bill) I would pay it.  But I know why she won't call me and only calls mom - she knows that I know she is lying and that I will ask for proof.  And yes I know that I have not been good with boundaries - if I was, I would have cut her off after she first broke our agreement.  But I hoped that things would turn out better.  Oh well.  I told mom not to worry and that whatever happens it is not our fault and it is out of our control.

Thanks for listening.

[Turkish]

She's too young for Medicare,  but is your sister incapable of applying for Medicaid?

If your mom were younger,  I'd say let her deal with it,  but given her age, it's good that you are there to help advocate for her. 

[Tregonsee]

She has refused to apply to Medicaid even though I am sure she would qualify, since she is not working and has no other income aside from Social Security which she did start receiving a few months ago at age 62. But of course it does not pay much.  And mom's dementia and age means I have to deal with BPD sis.

[quietgirl]

I empathize about your situation.  I fear for my life being consumed with stuff like this in the future. 

Right now I feel guilty be/c the burden of this falls on my parents.  They are in their late 60's and they can not go on like this.
They are purchasing her a home to get her out of their house.

I agree that its not good for boundaries to provide financially but what do you do if they are so dysfunctional they can't even hold down a job.
She seems my parents and I as successful and family, so we should automatically provide for her be/c we can.   She always tells me I have it easy in life and she doesn't.
Like life is easy for everyone else and she is this specific case.

Same w/ your sister she is always spending her $ on random things (like a kayak and car rack) then tells me she can't support herself or pay for her medication. 

Any ways you help manage the guilt of letting her go?

[Tregonsee]

Thank you quietgirl.  I find supporting BPD sis is in part a defense mechanism to keep her from coming here and trying to move in with mom.  She lived with mom years ago and abused her.  I reported it as elder abuse to the state authorities but when they called and spoke with mom she denied it and said all was well.  So nothing happened.  Sis eventually moved on and things were quiet for a while.  But, of course it didn't last.

I think I would feel guilt if she did hurt herself, although rationally I know there is nothing I can do to stop her.  I can feed more and more money until I have nothing left and it will never be enough for her - that's why I call her a black hole, constantly sucking everything in.  I just don't want to sacrifice my life and mom's life for hers.  I still need to look after myself and mom.  Mom doesn't have much money, I am supporting her housing and nursing care.  And I am dealing with several health issues while working full time.  I am single, live alone, no other source of support.  I keep waiting for something bad to happen, if I get really sick I won't be able to maintain the same work and income.  Then everything will fall apart.  I just want to have some peace in my life while I am still doing well and functional, but it looks like BPD sis is going to torture me forever.

And I do feel guilty about not being more worried about whether she is serious about suicide.  I just find it impossible to believe anything she says.  And then it makes me angry to think she is saying this to blackmail us.  I know it is part of the mental illness.  Still, I can't help but feel like she knows exactly what she is doing, and wants to hurt us. 

[Harri]

Hi Tregonsee and quietgirl, the best way I know of to manage guilt is to learn the tools we offer here.  Learning about the disorder so you can depersonalize the behaviors and focus on responding rather than reacting, learning the communication tools as a means of self care for you while also benefitting your family member and learning self care through things like Wise Mind.  Learning how to set boundaries and learning to let go in love.  If you look over on the right side of the page there are several links above the Survivors Guide listed under lessons.  Click on those to begin reading articles that, when applied, can make a huge difference as you learn to separate emotionally.  I don't mean you learn not to care, as I am not sure that is possible, but to not be reactive.

Unfortunately there is no easy painless or guiltless way to do these things.  Sometimes it feels like damage control but it can be more than that.  Please read and post and ask questions.  Some of us are where you are right now and some of us have gone that path before.  Regardless we can all help and support each other as we learn.

[Tregonsee]

Thank you Harri.  I did read some of the articles.  I've understood about BPD for a long time now, almost 20 years since I realized that sis has BPD.  I also read Walking on Eggshells.  And yes, her diagnosis was confirmed by a psychiatrist who saw sis at that time.  I had convinced sis she needed help and offered to pay for it.  Unfortunately sis decided there was nothing wrong with her and never went back - sis gave the psychiatrist permission to speak with me although I don't know why.  The psychiatrist thought she had BPD but he also considered the possibility that she had a delusional disorder.  However rather than being delusional I believe she is a pathological liar, loves making stories up and fooling people into doing something for her.  I know this because when we were growing up she many times would rejoice in telling me about how she told an unbelievable story/lie to someone and they believed her.  How can someone be insane and rational at the same time?  Only in BPD land. 

But, I didn't really get so upset with this recent event as I would have years ago.  I have so many other worries in my life that at this point that I have no motivation or energy to do anything about it.  I have zero control over her beyond the ability to cut her off financially, and that won't really change anything except to either prompt her to self harm or to try to move in with mom again - and I definitely don't want that to happen.

So the torture continues.