It felt like an escape when I was the most trapped

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi, everyone.  I found this site a little over a year ago because I needed help processing a spate of dreams/memories about an intense relationship I had as a teen with a diagnosed person with BPD.  Since then, I've discovered there is a strong connection between the problems I had with my ex, and the problems I had with my family of origin at the time.  They are two sides of the same coin - closely related but seemingly different. 

One thing that fascinates me is how differently I feel when I think about my ex vs. how I feel when I think about my family even though there are issues in common.   Family stuff feels heavy.  When I think about my family I feel heartache. There is love, disappointment, and a feeling of loss.  When I think about my ex there's an element of fantasy or taking-time-out from reality (kind of like the Matrix movies).  Which is strange because there is nothing about that relationship I want to re-live.  When I was in the relationship if felt most like an escape when I was the most trapped.

Thinking about my family feels like the opposite of escape.  It is weird.

Thoughts?

[Insom]

Hi, everyone.  I found this site a little over a year ago because I needed help processing a spate of dreams/memories about an intense relationship I had as a teen with a diagnosed person with BPD.  Since then, I've discovered there is a strong connection between the problems I had with my ex, and the problems I had with my family of origin at the time.  They are two sides of the same coin - closely related but seemingly different. 

One thing that fascinates me is how differently I feel when I think about my ex vs. how I feel when I think about my family even though there are issues in common.   Family stuff feels heavy.  When I think about my family I feel heartache. There is love, disappointment, and a feeling of loss.  When I think about my ex there's an element of fantasy or taking-time-out from reality (kind of like the Matrix movies).  Which is strange because there is nothing about that relationship I want to re-live.  When I was in the relationship if felt most like an escape when I was the most trapped.

Thinking about my family feels like the opposite of escape.  It is weird.

Thoughts?

[zachira]

I think I may be having a similar experience to yours. I feel very sad when I think about my family. When I am thinking about a romantic relationship, I find myself stuck in fantasy and disassociating. I saw a comment recently that says there is little discussion in the therapy community about fantasy and relationships. I know I spent a lot of time disassociating as a child, because I was left abandoned in the crib for hours on end, and did not ever have a empathetic parent growing up. I did several years of therapy in which I was treated for chronic disassociation and still have to work on keeping myself present in the moment. You might want to learn more about healthy disassociation, versus chronic disassociation that comes from trauma and can impair us from moving forward. Hope this helps, and if not please let me know if I am not hearing what you are saying.

[Insom]

Hey, thanks Zachira, I think you may be onto something.  I don't know much about disassociation, but you've given me something to look into.

[Starfire]

My BPD ex was very much the opposite of me in many ways.  I admired the ways in which he was different.  He was spontaneous, adventurous, fearless, vulnerable, a risk taker.  I don't think I was disassociating, but I was definitely outside of my comfort zone  and that most definitely felt like an escape. 

What I'm still trying to learn from that is how I can nurture those attributes in myself while maintaining healthy boundaries and emotional intelligence.  How To Be Spontaneous and Adventurous but Not Bat Crap Crazy 101.

[Insom]

  I admired the ways in which he was different.  He was spontaneous, adventurous, fearless, vulnerable, a risk taker.  I don't think I was disassociating, but I was definitely outside of my comfort zone  and that most definitely felt like an escape.

Thanks for articulating this, Starfire.  My guy was different like this, too.  At first, when he wasn't being cruel, the risk-taking felt cinematic and pushed me outside of my comfort zone in a delicious way.  Over time, though, things got uglier than anything I recall experiencing at home.  I remember the boundary violations I experienced at home with my FOO as feeling annoying/banal, not like anything I experienced with my ex which may be why it took me so long to make the connection/understand the similarities. 

What I'm still trying to learn from that is how I can nurture those attributes in myself while maintaining healthy boundaries and emotional intelligence.  How To Be Spontaneous and Adventurous but Not Bat Crap Crazy 101.

 This, for me, was part of the gift of BPD.  The relationship helped me find my voice, though I wouldn't go so far as to claim "spontaneous," (which is fine). 

How is this going for you?  Are areas of your life today where you feel more adventurous?

[Starfire]

How is this going for you?  Are areas of your life today where you feel more adventurous?

I love a good adventure, always have.  It's just that I love them more when they're scheduled, preferably at least 2 weeks in advance.  haha.  The difference now is that I don't immediately say/think no when something comes up that isn't on the calendar, and I allow myself to go ahead with Big Things even if I don't have a spreadsheet outline.

[Insom]

The difference now is that I don't immediately say/think no when something comes up that isn't on the calendar, and I allow myself to go ahead with Big Things even if I don't have a spreadsheet outline.

This sounds like an important change, Starfire.  Have you noticed if/how it's made a difference in your life?

I'm trying to think of something similar I've been through, a change I made after leaving my ex . . . I remember having a big "aha" moment that my life was my own.  He taught me that when I DO understand what I want (which hasn't always felt clear) . . . to go for it.