Don’t know how to set boundaries about housekeeping, etc

[Rambling Rose]

  I have an adult family member (nephew) who is living with me because he was evicted. He is diagnosed with BPD but is not seeking treatment. He doesn’t work and probably isn’t capable of working due to the illness. I previously cut off contact with him for two years because of his abusiveness and threats. I didn’t want him to be homeless and for the most part his behavior has been OK. He also brought along his girlfriend. The understanding initially was this would be a temporary situation until he gets on his feet. He has some extreme bouts of depression when he hardly comes out of the bedroom. He is fighting a lot with the girlfriend and they are both very sloppy. I find myself getting extremely angry and frustrated as well as depressed. I’m still somewhat afraid of him and don’t know how to set boundaries about housekeeping, etc. I am truly sympathetic that he’s ill but this is taking a tremendous toll on me. I have been attending NAMI meetings and try to take care of myself by exercising to ease stress but I’m getting to the breaking point.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Rambling Rose, 

Welcome! Your situation reminds me of something that took place in my aunt's life this past year. Like you, she offered her home as a temporary place for her great nephew. Temporary took on a mind of its own!

Eventually she made a couple decisions that she enforced. He paid a little bit of rent each month, but the payment time was sporadic and the amount whatever. She sat him down and laid out the plan. He was to make regular rent payments on a regular day each month, in order to get him prepared for higher rent payments in an apartment setting. Then she gave him 3 months to find a new place. In the end he asked for more time because he didn't even look for a place, but she said no and held firm. He found a place and moved out. Now he has a good job.

What options do you have to help and not enable him? I can tell that you have a lot of compassion for him,   and I also hear you are hurting and looking for guidance. Let's brain storm here and see what ideas we can come up with.

Is he on disability or any form of government assistance? Are there options for reduced housing in the area? Remember that you don't have to do the work for him. Let's just think out loud.

 
Wools

[Rambling Rose]

Thank you for responding. I’m afraid he would never agree to any public assistance. He won’t permit what he perceives as negative information on his records. I don’t think he realizes or accepts he has a serious illness. He and his girlfriend have a plan for a business venture but I don’t know how realistic it is. I know that enabling him isn’t a good idea but he won’t get therapy and he can’t get a job because of his record-mainly restraining orders from the last girlfriend. 

[Turkish]

I’m still somewhat afraid of him and don’t know how to set boundaries about housekeeping, etc.

Are you afraid of him due to verbal reactions, or physicality?

How do your conversations go? We have tools here which can help to reduce conflict,  like SET: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

It's hard living with people who may not pull their weight in normal housekeeping.  It's a conflict of values. 

[Rambling Rose]

I actually had to break off all communication with him for about 2 years previous to this situation because he was verbally abusive and physically violent-not to the extent of putting hands on me but destroying property. Breaking things mostly. There may have been some drug use involved at that time which I don’t believe is happening now. I will go to that tutorial you suggested. Our conversations are fairly decent and I believe he is genuinely grateful to be with me. It seems his girlfriend gets the worst of his moods. He has had a few conversations with me where he is very emotional and I try to implement the tools I’ve been learning about to defuse his anger.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Rambling Rose, 

I'm not sure if you mentioned it or not but how long has he been living with you this time? And it was a two year NC (no contact) with him before he moved back in, correct? Lastly, how long did he live with you before?

Sometimes when we grow up in an unhealthy environment or are around someone who is unhealthy, we can forget what is healthy for us. Here is a good list of what healthy looks like.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

What do you think about the article? Are there any churches or organizations in your area that you can reach out to for some help? It sounds as if he is not willing to budge much.

Do you feel safe?

 
Wools

[Rambling Rose]

He has not lived with me previously. He is with me now because he was evicted. I did read the tutorial you suggested-thank you. I think a part of my problem is I don’t know how to determine what’s he can and can’t control.  Can we expect a seriously mentally ill person to understand and be able to carry out our expectations to respect boundaries or household rules, etc? At this time he is not displaying any aggression towards me but he does get agitated and shares with me long rants about the girlfriend, other family members,etc. I try to use SET and LEAP methods to diffuse him which seem to help. It just terrifies me to see someone so angry. So far, most of the time he’s in control but is also extremely depressed.  I am attending NAMI meetings and will be taking their classes soon. I don’t feel physically unsafe so much as hypervigilant and stressed. I’m also heartbroken for him.

[Harri]

Hi Rambling Rose.  I haven't introduced myself yet so first let me say welcome!  I am glad you found us as this is a place that offers not just support but tools to help you cope and manage your relationship while maintaining a healthy life (or working towards one).

Reading your post I think you may find the following article helpful in terms of setting realistic expectations for what you can expect from your nephew and also yourself.  Having a person in your life with BPD is very stressful.  The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship

I also pulled this link from our Son/Daughter Board.  I know that is not quite the relationship you have but I think some of the lessons there may be applicable to your situation.  Check out the lessons here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267.0

There is a lot of reading so take it slow.  Ask questions and post as you feel the need. 

Again, it is good to have you here.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Rambling Rose,

I'm really glad to hear that you are attending some meetings that will hopefully help you in dealing with your nephew. Do you find them to be good? What will theme of the classes be?

Let us know how you are doing!

 
Wools

[Rambling Rose]

Thank you Harri for the lessons you referred me to. It took a few days but I went through it all. I found it very helpful. Thank you Woolspinner for your encouragement. NAMI classes are very informative. I’m trying to get as much information and skills as  I can. I find this helps with the uncertainty and fear I feel. All I can do for now is try to empower myself with knowledge and get as much support as I can, while realizing that the decision to get help is up to my nephew.

[Harri]

I am glad the resources helped.  I agree that knowledge is empowering.

I’m trying to get as much information and skills as  I can. I find this helps with the uncertainty and fear I feel. All I can do for now is try to empower myself with knowledge and get as much support as I can, while realizing that the decision to get help is up to my nephew.

So much of fear comes from the unknown. 

What sorts of things are covered in the NAMI classes?