Part 2--Kids on vacation with BPD Husband

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am unbelievably sad. He's got the kids with his family for two weeks.

I wait for some response from my husband, he says I am going to write you some thoughts while I am on my trip. But, of course he doesn't.  And writes "no offense. I can't text now. I am trying to de-stress." Well he's been there over a week. This is why we are where we are. He doesn't change behavior, doesn't do anything to fix it. But, I guess I was just curious as to what he would say. I keep getting hurt over and over. When will I learn to stop opening up? I wrote back "No offense. I had a feeling you wouldn't text or write."

I call to talk to the kids as I know they are going to events this morning and he has not one second to talk to me and then yells at my son who cries and says "why are you yelling at me" and tells him to get ready. I literally talked to him for one minute and realized that they were going. What an absolute jerk! He really takes things out on people/his family when he is stressed. That's what has been happening to me all these years. There's nothing to be stressed about at home except I was asking for him to go to therapy, act calmer, keep control of himself, do things for himself. But, I can't ask anymore. It's been 5 years at least I have been saying I am not your enemy. I am not picking fights with you. And then two years recently of serious work. We tried counseling. He went to counseling for 5 times in one year. Really?

I really feel that I would like to protect the kids from him. How can I do this? I really really know that he won't change but I am stuck because we have two kids together. No matter the techniques that we have tried! Or I have tried!

I feel so bad for the kids as I know how he is. I haven't interfered and call once a day. And he neglects to let them do face time. And has avoided talking to me except for some texts with pics of the kids. I need to stop connecting. I will only talk to the kids I guess for the remainder of his trip.

I am unbelievably sad and crying at the airport, I went to see my Dad since he had the kids and this was a nice opportunity to do so. But, it's like when your feelings are a little hurt they get really hurt when something like this happens. It's like they know they are hurting you and dig it in more.

Any thoughts or similar situations will be greatly appreciated.

--12 years and counting

[12years]

I am unbelievably sad. He's got the kids with his family for two weeks.

I wait for some response from my husband, he says I am going to write you some thoughts while I am on my trip. But, of course he doesn't.  And writes "no offense. I can't text now. I am trying to de-stress." Well he's been there over a week. This is why we are where we are. He doesn't change behavior, doesn't do anything to fix it. But, I guess I was just curious as to what he would say. I keep getting hurt over and over. When will I learn to stop opening up? I wrote back "No offense. I had a feeling you wouldn't text or write."

I call to talk to the kids as I know they are going to events this morning and he has not one second to talk to me and then yells at my son who cries and says "why are you yelling at me" and tells him to get ready. I literally talked to him for one minute and realized that they were going. What an absolute jerk! He really takes things out on people/his family when he is stressed. That's what has been happening to me all these years. There's nothing to be stressed about at home except I was asking for him to go to therapy, act calmer, keep control of himself, do things for himself. But, I can't ask anymore. It's been 5 years at least I have been saying I am not your enemy. I am not picking fights with you. And then two years recently of serious work. We tried counseling. He went to counseling for 5 times in one year. Really?

I really feel that I would like to protect the kids from him. How can I do this? I really really know that he won't change but I am stuck because we have two kids together. No matter the techniques that we have tried! Or I have tried!

I feel so bad for the kids as I know how he is. I haven't interfered and call once a day. And he neglects to let them do face time. And has avoided talking to me except for some texts with pics of the kids. I need to stop connecting. I will only talk to the kids I guess for the remainder of his trip.

I am unbelievably sad and crying at the airport, I went to see my Dad since he had the kids and this was a nice opportunity to do so. But, it's like when your feelings are a little hurt they get really hurt when something like this happens. It's like they know they are hurting you and dig it in more.

Any thoughts or similar situations will be greatly appreciated.

--12 years and counting

[Cat Familiar]

You miss your kids and your husband communicates very little in a week. You hear him yell at your son when you called and see the pattern of how he's taken his stress out on family members for years. 

Since you won't be seeing them for another week, what can you do to make yourself feel better in their absence?

[12years]

Yes that’s it. I just finished visiting my Dad and now off to see my friend. Never visited either of them before since I was in Germany for a few years and got back a little less than two years ago. Wait I think today is 2 years back. Two years waiting for my husband to get it together.

Thanks for listening!

[Cat Familiar]

Sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of waiting—waiting for your husband to deal with his issues.

He may not think he has issues—he may just think that other people are making his life difficult or that somehow he’s a victim. Lots of people with BPD don’t take responsibility for their behavior.

[formflier]

There's nothing to be stressed about at home except I was asking for him to go to therapy, act calmer, keep control of himself, do things for himself. But, I can't ask anymore. It's been 5 years at least I have been saying I am not your enemy. I am not picking fights with you. And then two years recently of serious work. We tried counseling. He went to counseling for 5 times in one year. Really?
 

Hey... .sorry you are missing your kids.  I'm wondering what you can do to take care of you while missing them?

Since I don't know much about your story yet... I'll offer some general comments.

I get it that you don't see much to be stressed about at home... .but I wonder how he feels about the events you list.  I've been around this BPD issue for a while... .my guess is "the average" BPDish person would find this incredibly stressful, which would likely result in deterioration of the relationship.

Please don't "hear" me blame you.  Please do hear that if you can examine things from different points of view, even ones that are very uncomfortable for you... .I bet things will get better.

Communication with kids:

perhaps the text below

"Hey... .hope you are enjoying your time away.  I miss you and the kids.  Please have them text when they have a few minutes to catch up."

Then... .go about your business


What things have you done in the past few years that resulted in improvement?

What things have you tried that didn't seem to work?

FF