Im realising that ive been bad parent :(

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Someone today was telling me about their experiences with their expwBPD and how theirs was abusing drugs (as mine was) and he let her into his home and things spiralled down and got really quite awful to the point his kids we scared of her rages.

I'm already aware that I allowed someone who I knew abused recreational drugs into my home with my kids, an appalling decision. But it made me wonder in what other ways I let my children down in order to accommodate my ex and her rages. So I'm kind of writing them down here to consolidate those thoughts and maybe others will find it useful to see the mistakes I made?

1. My kids are allowed to watch their tablets when they eat their tea, I limit their time on them and this is how i do it, during tea they get to watch their tablets and whatever Netflix junk they wish to consume. My ex HATED those tablets because the noise from both at the same time used to "trigger" her ptsd... .I made them not have them once because I was scared of getting her in a bad mood and afterwards I hated I did that... .its their damn house! THEIR routine, and I changed their little lives to accommodate her raging

2. On several occasions we didn't have or hugely delayed activities and days out because we were waiting for her to get out of bed. If I woke her she would be in an arse, she had to wake up on her own to be in a good mood. This was another symptom of her PTSD, no alarm clocks allowed unless essential for work then I had to use the soft gentle alarms that don't wake me up for 40 minutes not the loud HONKING ones that actually do! I let her control my kids lives, limited their entertainment, fun and learning to allow her to lie in until midday because of her mental illness!

3. I think this is the worst thing I did, she had said to me in the day that it would be good if they went to bed on time tonight so me and her can get some actual time together in the evening, and they didn't, because she was here and they loved her so they were excited, and when I got back from the bedtime routine she was in a right grump, like proper pissy at me, and I put a film on that she wanted us to watch and she instantly pulled out her phone and started playing facebook videos on full volume so I turned the film off and thus ensued another rage... .because my turning the film off was punishing her for having a mental illness that she cant control. But this is their house, not hers... .but even at an early stage she was ruling the roost because I was accommodating her potential to rage out at me like I had done something wrong but I hadn't, I was parenting, and I changed my kids entire bedtime routine for no other reason that to  accommodate her inability to control her needy demands for my time at their expense.

This sort of thinking makes me realise that even whilst she was still trying to hook me (we are what 2-3 months in at this point) she was acting poorly... .things would have gone downhill right!

My kids never experienced her rage directly, for that I am very thankful, but I don't doubt they would have done.

The worst they actually saw was an incredibly childlike moment... .my youngest (4) has had a lot of change in his life recently, his mum, a TRUE NPD of the highest order has recently selected her newest victim and in true narc style proceeded to love bomb, 'accidently' get pregnant thus obliging him to marry her (fascinating to watch from the other side haha - his life is already made to be hell poor bloke!) and therefore has recently gotten married, and he brings with him young kids from a previous relationship, so my little boy has been getting quite jealous. Totally normal behaviour I expect... .and it came out a bit once when he was at mine and he got upset once and started crying, I asked him what was wrong and he just said "daddy, I don't want lucy to hold your hand" and she just burst into tears and couldn't stop! I was just amazed! It was like she was a child herself! I said to her to stop crying and just ignore it but she couldn't, and they actually had an argument! I was just shocked, my kid bloody won too, he wouldn't back down haha - but this is the sort of stuff that id have seen a lot of had I stayed with her I suppose, and it would have gotten worse... .

[Samson1234@]

Someone today was telling me about their experiences with their expwBPD and how theirs was abusing drugs (as mine was) and he let her into his home and things spiralled down and got really quite awful to the point his kids we scared of her rages.

I'm already aware that I allowed someone who I knew abused recreational drugs into my home with my kids, an appalling decision. But it made me wonder in what other ways I let my children down in order to accommodate my ex and her rages. So I'm kind of writing them down here to consolidate those thoughts and maybe others will find it useful to see the mistakes I made?

1. My kids are allowed to watch their tablets when they eat their tea, I limit their time on them and this is how i do it, during tea they get to watch their tablets and whatever Netflix junk they wish to consume. My ex HATED those tablets because the noise from both at the same time used to "trigger" her ptsd... .I made them not have them once because I was scared of getting her in a bad mood and afterwards I hated I did that... .its their damn house! THEIR routine, and I changed their little lives to accommodate her raging

2. On several occasions we didn't have or hugely delayed activities and days out because we were waiting for her to get out of bed. If I woke her she would be in an arse, she had to wake up on her own to be in a good mood. This was another symptom of her PTSD, no alarm clocks allowed unless essential for work then I had to use the soft gentle alarms that don't wake me up for 40 minutes not the loud HONKING ones that actually do! I let her control my kids lives, limited their entertainment, fun and learning to allow her to lie in until midday because of her mental illness!

3. I think this is the worst thing I did, she had said to me in the day that it would be good if they went to bed on time tonight so me and her can get some actual time together in the evening, and they didn't, because she was here and they loved her so they were excited, and when I got back from the bedtime routine she was in a right grump, like proper pissy at me, and I put a film on that she wanted us to watch and she instantly pulled out her phone and started playing facebook videos on full volume so I turned the film off and thus ensued another rage... .because my turning the film off was punishing her for having a mental illness that she cant control. But this is their house, not hers... .but even at an early stage she was ruling the roost because I was accommodating her potential to rage out at me like I had done something wrong but I hadn't, I was parenting, and I changed my kids entire bedtime routine for no other reason that to  accommodate her inability to control her needy demands for my time at their expense.

This sort of thinking makes me realise that even whilst she was still trying to hook me (we are what 2-3 months in at this point) she was acting poorly... .things would have gone downhill right!

My kids never experienced her rage directly, for that I am very thankful, but I don't doubt they would have done.

The worst they actually saw was an incredibly childlike moment... .my youngest (4) has had a lot of change in his life recently, his mum, a TRUE NPD of the highest order has recently selected her newest victim and in true narc style proceeded to love bomb, 'accidently' get pregnant thus obliging him to marry her (fascinating to watch from the other side haha - his life is already made to be hell poor bloke!) and therefore has recently gotten married, and he brings with him young kids from a previous relationship, so my little boy has been getting quite jealous. Totally normal behaviour I expect... .and it came out a bit once when he was at mine and he got upset once and started crying, I asked him what was wrong and he just said "daddy, I don't want lucy to hold your hand" and she just burst into tears and couldn't stop! I was just amazed! It was like she was a child herself! I said to her to stop crying and just ignore it but she couldn't, and they actually had an argument! I was just shocked, my kid bloody won too, he wouldn't back down haha - but this is the sort of stuff that id have seen a lot of had I stayed with her I suppose, and it would have gotten worse... .

[Cromwell]

A lot of posts ive read have found detachment spurred on by understanding the impact it was having on others outside of the relationship.

I dont see anything in your posts that lead me to think 'bad parent', it sounds like you tried to accomodate everyones needs as best you could, especially problematic when you have a partner with a history of some very disturbing stuff happened to her. Many of us felt confused by apparent bizarre or childlike behaviour - out of our depth in terms of understanding what was going on - but tried our best - your post shows you did your best.

Id say a feeling of guilt towards your kids is understandable - I can relate to feeling I neglected others during this relationship, but that was down to how demanding it was.

It sounds like your ex was very sensitive, insecure and you saying the kids loved her, when she heard that it could have triggered an intense abandoment fear. - perhaps in her mind at that moment, your son hated her. Its very much black and white feelings that get triggered by the most minutae of reasons. At least, what seems not a big deal to anyone else.

[once removed]

how long were you together before she was introduced to the kids?

how often were they around each other and under what circumstances?

also, how old are the kids?

[Samson1234@]

well we were together 4 months I think, but she was one of my best friends for a year plus. Im a single parent and I have a lot of single parent friends, im part of a huge single parents facebook group and we have lots of meetups so it doesn't feel weird for me for my kids to meet people and their kids randomly on those meets... .so they had met her as a friend long before me and her had any kind of intimate relationship... .to me that feels normal but it might not be to them, I don't know, something for me to think about I guess. if id have known she would have become a partner she wouldn't have met them... .


If im being honest she was perhaps a bit forward about being around them, and I was a bit relaxed... .she wanted to be with me and they live with me most of the time so to see her she had to see them... .so maybe four nights a week she was here and two/three of those they were here too.On weekends they were at their mums we would go to hers... .I live in the sticks and she doesn't drive so often she would either come with me on the school run and stay or we'd pick her up on the way back to ours and she'd stay a few days then go home a few days...

She'd be here on weekends they were here, we'd go on days out, she'd do their homework with them, paint rocks, do colouring, learning to ride their bikes... .she was more engaged with them than their mum which is probably why they were so close with her so fast... on paper she was amazing with them from the perspective of a partner, she was better with them than any non-BPD gf ive ever had!

They are 4 and 7, so young... .they have met two gf's that I have had but my youngest will only remember one partner since their mum. They have lived with me since my youngest was 9 months

[Samson1234@]

I dont see anything in your posts that lead me to think 'bad parent', it sounds like you tried to accomodate everyones needs as best you could, especially problematic when you have a partner with a history of some very disturbing stuff happened to her. 

Thank you Cromwell, I don't agree with you right now but maybe I will in time, I don't know, I feel bad for the minute... .I saw a lot of good things about her and I saw them happy... .they have not had much in the way of positive female role models in their little lives... .maybe I was too easily persuaded by how she interacted with them, weak boundaries on my part, or tricked, or maybe she was a good thing for them... .but might not have been in time... .I just don't know right now

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Samson1234@,

It sounds like you did the best under the circumstances and that you are a very loving and conscientious father.

What I hear you saying is that you let her temporarily throw over your routines with your children to appease her.  What would you differently if this happened again?

Perhaps there are other members who have experienced this and can chime in here.


Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[Husband321]

She'd be here on weekends they were here, we'd go on days out, she'd do their homework with them, paint rocks, do colouring, learning to ride their bikes... .she was more engaged with them than their mum which is probably why they were so close with her so fast... on paper she was amazing with them from the perspective of a partner, she was better with them than any non-BPD gf ive ever had!

Same thing I experienced.  She gave my 6 yr old son a lot of positive love and attention.

However as time went on she didn't like the situation she created. As my son grew attached due to her constant attention, she then said my son needs to learn to play alone as he always needs attention!  Perhaps since they are a bit child like emotionally themselves, they initially can mesh well with children.  Not sure


Everyone also has different parenting styles, as in your iPad example. I can see t be a bit much to try and have a conversation while hearing 2 different iPads consistently.  No matter what the routine, I personally, would be opposed to eating and having them at the table.  

It's always hard to draw the lines and try to balance a new partner, children, and mesh it all together.  It sounds like you were doing a pretty good job though.

[Starfire]

I was with my expwBPD for 2ish years.  My son was 11-13 during the relationship.  My ex was as contradictory in his behaviors towards my son as he was with everything else.  According to his words he wanted to be a father figure and a friend to my son, teach him things, spend time with him, etc.  According to his actions, he was extremely jealous of my son, suspicious of my relationship with my son as well as my son's relationship with other men in his family (his father, uncles, male cousins).  He would also become quickly overwhelmed by any thought of an actual responsibility where my son was concerned.  For instance, he had a meltdown once when I asked if he could pick up my son from school.  It would have been nothing more than 30 minutes, pick up, drop off and leave but that one request (not even actually doing it - just being asked to do it) led to 3 days of dysregulation.

I protected my son from as much as I possibly could during the relationship, but he did witness ex's many forms of BPD behavior directed at me.  He also experienced cancellation or delay of planned activities, awkward encounters, tantrums, and jealousy.

I won't go so far as to say I was a bad parent during that time, but I certainly was not at my best.  Damage control with my son was constantly ongoing including addressing his disappointment when I would take my ex back.  Again.  Not my finest.

I can't go back and undo any of that.  What I did, can do, and have done is be totally honest (in an age appropriate way) with my son about what was happening, why it was happening, what my feelings were/are, and what he and I can both learn from the experience.  One thing I'm certain of.  My son knows how to recognize BPD, and that I am here for him should he ever encounter that in his own relationships.

We are never going to be perfect parents, and we can only hope to be good parents more often than we're bad parents.  We're going to mess up with our children sometimes.  The most important part of being a parent, in my humble opinion, is in modeling how to be decent people in the face of adversity while setting and maintaining healthy personal boundaries.

That's a really long-winded way to say that everything you've learned from your BPD relationship is a teaching opportunity for your children.  If you can manage that, then you've done your job well.

[Samson1234@]

she didn't like the situation she created

Yup this scenario, the whole thing, sang to me. I watched her being amazing and loving and giving them her time, which made me melt. But I also watched the starts of envious feelings and frustration and clear evidence that she was jealous when they got my time and not her.

The tablet thing I totally get actually. It is really bloody annoying, I hate those tablets haha, and in fairness I am thinking of changing that and I have actually bought a table that we can sit around to eat at which im excited about. But I like the fact that she actually said it pissed her off, it takes some balls to tell a parent you think their ways are wrong, part of her charm I guess, I liked her directness, im probably a bit jealous that she can be such a free spirit to say things like that because even if I thought it about a partners choices with her children I wouldn't say it to her face haha.

But I suspect it was more that to her we were objects, not because she had brazen front, she just didn't care.

[Samson1234@]

Starfire... .that I think was my fear, I find solace in knowing that everyone who involved their pwBPD deeper into their lives with their children was burnt by increasingly misshapen behaviour. Almost like the nons children were as equally lovebombed as we were, but then they became victims in their own right being punished for taking away our time and attention and being subject to the usual treatment for perceived slights and rejection.

And you are total right, my children are young, and they never saw enough to feel hurt by her actions, so maybe no learning points for them on the BPD front, but I saw the starts of it, and as you say the plus side to all this is that I have a WHOLE new load of red flags that any future partner needs to navigate their way through before they ever get to have a chance to even see my children! And im better prepared to recognise toxic behaviours in their future relationships and help them with that so there is light and love in my situation for them

[Husband321]

...


If im being honest she was perhaps a bit forward about being around them, and I was a bit relaxed... .

Same here. She really wanted to meet and hang out with my son. Then as you said, it was art projects, Nerf gun wars, games, puzzles, fun fun fun.

I was foolishly thinking to my self "wow this is great. She really likes him. He really likes her. This can't get much better"

Over time she started smoking weed and I also allowed that in the house. Then she would just stay in the bedroom most of the weekend. I would just tell my son she is sick.  And yes, she would then start to say her and I need more alone time , and he should play with himself.

My son WAS very independent until SHE presented herself to be 24/7 fun.  Like she couldn't see that she presented herself to be that, which made him excited to see her.

In the end my ex wife (former child psychologist) helped explain to my 6 yr old son that she will be gone, and I did too. My son didn't care at all and told me "dad you can find someone better".