It's been two months and my heart still breaks...

[Drs204]

I am about 2 months out from my xgfwBPD breaking up with me. She is undiagnosed, or never told me.

One day she just texted and said "I think we should go our separate ways. I have no time for a relationship right now with my new job and the kids". (She is a widow, hence the new job and kids). OK, I can give her some space and we can still talk.

5 weeks later she blocks me on FB. A friend found out she has a new BF and told me. This was what gutted me.

I have good days and bad days still. I remember the good times we had, and we did have good times with her boys too. But even thinking about that makes me sad so I am trying to even move on from that.

We don't talk anymore. It has been 2 weeks. Today though I did send her a text saying I am sorry for things that were said, that I forgive her for what she did, that I do love her and will be here for her. i am sure this relationship with this guy will not last as she said she knew him a week. She will need stable people in her life besides her mom (well... .her mom is not someone I would call stable either... .) and her dad died when she was 15. Of course she did not reply and probably will not; she probably has my phone blocked anyway.

"He was jealous of everyone- cashier at a store, landlord, gardener, some of his friends. And what is worst is he accused me of sleeping with them. I just could not win."
 Change that to a she and it was the same. She would ask me after interacting with someone like that "Do you want to have sex with her?" Those moments left me scratching my head as I thought it a bit odd. I had no idea of BPD at the time and thought it was a widow thing. (oh ya... .add widow to BPD... .) It is the fear of abandonment kicking in and is why she would say that.

So ya, I know what you are going through. It is hard even at the best of times. Focus on yourself. I went for a drive the other day. Stuff like that helps me. And so does this page, it is a great place. I am amazed at how many people have similar stories. i am learning so much which is great.

She didn't reject me but her BPD did.

[SerendipityChild]

Good morning, SC. Are you currently in therapy? While forums like this are an invaluable resource, talking to someone in realtime who can validate and provide feedback on my situation has been a saving grace for me.

I know how very difficult it is at this time to have any motivation for things outside your comfort zone but when I was physically/mentally able, I forced myself to get out into nature or visit with loved ones. Truthfully, at first, all I wanted to do was run home crying and hide under my blankets but eventually my efforts paid off. While there were way too many weeks I couldn't even get in the car and drive 2 minutes to pick up necessities, now I could go just about anywhere. Often while I'm out these days, I find I am even capable of enjoying myself.

I think as long as we continue to focus on moving forward, through the pain and towards healing, we will find new hope with each passing day. There is a good life waiting for us at the end of all this.

Hi Wakemeup.
I haven’t seen anyone in person yet to speak to about what I’m going through. But I’m definitely interested and will check what my insurance can cover. I live in LA and I’m pretty sure there are hundreds of therapists around here.
I relate to your situation- the crying under the blankets and wanting
to just disappear were awful. Took a lot of effort just getting out of bed in the mornings.
But I’m slowly getting better and my children are my main motivation to keep going. I’m starting to make time for my family and do stuff with them. A good distraction I suppose.
So yes, I’ll make a list of goals and stick to it before the year ends. I want to be a new “me” in 2019. Baggage free and confident. It will take a lot of work but I know I’ll get there.

[BasementDweller]

Hi, SC!

Yes, you will totally get there, even thought right now, it's a very tough struggle right now. But you have your kids and they are a great motivation to stay strong and emerge on the other side. Every day, you are getting closer and closer to that goal. Some days will be better than others (as you have already experienced) but I'm told with time, it does get easier. I hope so, because I'm kind of at the same stage you are right now. 

Like you, I have days where the depression is crushing. Other days, I feel almost ok... .maybe a little hopeful. Then I can feel horribly low again the next day. My emotions are all over the map, and I never really know what I am going to feel from one day to the next. I imagine that will level off eventually. I sure hope so!

This board is great in the sense that there are so many others here who know your struggle and can relate. Trying to explain to someone who has not had experience with BPD - they really can't fathom how devastating these relationships are. But everyone here gets it, and can lend support. :-)

Hopefully you will be able to work out the situation with finding a good therapist as well. We "nons" typically end up rather traumatized during these relationships and after the break-ups, far more than with "normal" relationships and break-ups which are usually way more civil. It helps a lot to have someone to talk to. :-)

[SerendipityChild]

Hi, SC!

Yes, you will totally get there, even thought right now, it's a very tough struggle right now. But you have your kids and they are a great motivation to stay strong and emerge on the other side. Every day, you are getting closer and closer to that goal. Some days will be better than others (as you have already experienced) but I'm told with time, it does get easier. I hope so, because I'm kind of at the same stage you are right now. 

Like you, I have days where the depression is crushing. Other days, I feel almost ok... .maybe a little hopeful. Then I can feel horribly low again the next day. My emotions are all over the map, and I never really know what I am going to feel from one day to the next. I imagine that will level off eventually. I sure hope so!

This board is great in the sense that there are so many others here who know your struggle and can relate. Trying to explain to someone who has not had experience with BPD - they really can't fathom how devastating these relationships are. But everyone here gets it, and can lend support. :-)

Hopefully you will be able to work out the situation with finding a good therapist as well. We "nons" typically end up rather traumatized during these relationships and after the break-ups, far more than with "normal" relationships and break-ups which are usually way more civil. It helps a lot to have someone to talk to. :-)

Hello BasementDweller.
It’s like having a PTSD except there’s really no term for us nonBPDs. You’re right about the trauma. The fact that there’s no real closure makes it worse. I feel blessed for discovering this site and having someone to talk to. Many people would easily think we’re stupid for putting up with our exes and blame us and tell us we did this to ourselves. But are we really stupid or just genuinely loving and caring? Once I get through this pain I’ll come out stronger than I’ve ever been. I bet my life on it.

[Cromwell]

Hello BasementDweller.
It’s like having a PTSD except there’s really no term for us nonBPDs. You’re right about the trauma. The fact that there’s no real closure makes it worse. I feel blessed for discovering this site and having someone to talk to. Many people would easily think we’re stupid for putting up with our exes and blame us and tell us we did this to ourselves. But are we really stupid or just genuinely loving and caring? Once I get through this pain I’ll come out stronger than I’ve ever been. I bet my life on it.

You are already stronger, by the very act of deciding to leave in the midst of having those strong complex emotions of reward and punishment playing a game of pull and push - this has been one of the hardest things ive ever had to do - forget what others think, the important thing is start being selfish for a change, im talking 100% focus on getting yourself towards a place in life that is not only healthier but more fulfilled.

these old memories of past experience are merely reminders to keep us safe in future from the same thing happening. have a nice day SC

[BasementDweller]

It’s like having a PTSD except there’s really no term for us nonBPDs. You’re right about the trauma. The fact that there’s no real closure makes it worse. I feel blessed for discovering this site and having someone to talk to. Many people would easily think we’re stupid for putting up with our exes and blame us and tell us we did this to ourselves. But are we really stupid or just genuinely loving and caring? Once I get through this pain I’ll come out stronger than I’ve ever been. I bet my life on it.

Hi, SC -

Yes, this is a huge reason why it hurts so bad. No "normal" resolution. No time to peacefully grow apart into something more platonic before ending it. No "good reason" for any of it. None of us here are stupid. We wanted the same thing as anyone else. To enter into a relationship with the intention of making it work and being a good, loving, and supportive partner. And having the same in return. We assumed that our partners, who were so "into us" at first wanted the same and that we would help each other out and "stay by each others' side in solidarity through the toughest of times" <-- My BPD ex's exact words in the beginning, ironically.

But they don't... .and they can't. They don't have the emotional maturity or coping skills to be at all accountable for their half of the relationship. To be equally supportive and proactive. Be we weren't stupid for not fully understanding this. You just don't know. I didn't understand BPD from an up close and personal perspective. I had to learn the hard way. I'd say I'm a bit smarter now, going forward. But I, nor you, nor any of us who tried our best were ever stupid. Just kind, compassionate people who love normally, but we fell in love with a not so normal person who can't love back the same way. They didn't ask for it, and neither did we. 

[SerendipityChild]

You are already stronger, by the very act of deciding to leave in the midst of having those strong complex emotions of reward and punishment playing a game of pull and push - this has been one of the hardest things ive ever had to do - forget what others think, the important thing is start being selfish for a change, im talking 100% focus on getting yourself towards a place in life that is not only healthier but more fulfilled.

these old memories of past experience are merely reminders to keep us safe in future from the same thing happening. have a nice day SC

Morning Cromwell and thank you. And yes, one of the worst things in my life then was knowing I couldn’t be with him anymore. It’s time to be selfish, or to love thyself. They say you cannot truly love someone unless you love yourself first. But with a BPD partner, they are like children. You do anything for them and think of them first. This time I am thinking if my own children- they have been through a lot when I was with my ex. They’ve seen and heard all the devaluation,  pushes and pulls and my heartache. I’m glad to say now that he’s gone my focus is on them and we’ve become closer than ever before.
Still using your technique by the way, cartoonizing him in my thoughts. Kinda makes me laugh but it works. And the pain gets lesser.

[SerendipityChild]

Hi, SC -

Yes, this is a huge reason why it hurts so bad. No "normal" resolution. No time to peacefully grow apart into something more platonic before ending it. No "good reason" for any of it. None of us here are stupid. We wanted the same thing as anyone else. To enter into a relationship with the intention of making it work and being a good, loving, and supportive partner. And having the same in return. We assumed that our partners, who were so "into us" at first wanted the same and that we would help each other out and "stay by each others' side in solidarity through the toughest of times" <-- My BPD ex's exact words in the beginning, ironically.

But they don't... .and they can't. They don't have the emotional maturity or coping skills to be at all accountable for their half of the relationship. To be equally supportive and proactive. Be we weren't stupid for not fully understanding this. You just don't know. I didn't understand BPD from an up close and personal perspective. I had to learn the hard way. I'd say I'm a bit smarter now, going forward. But I, nor you, nor any of us who tried our best were ever stupid. Just kind, compassionate people who love normally, but we fell in love with a not so normal person who can't love back the same way. They didn't ask for it, and neither did we. 

I agree with you BasementDweller... .they are indeed immature emotionally. It’s like yet having another kid in the house. Very high maintenance and you walk on eggshells. But I have to admit those dramas somewhat made me feel alive inside. And that’s another story. I feel like each time I resolved an issue with him was a challenge to be won. Then rinse and repeat. A thousand times.
With him gone i do feel emotionally tough- like no one can ever screw with me. I’ve noticed it at work. I don’t let anyone belittle or crtiticize me without fighting back. I guess I’m starting to see the benefits, I could say that.

[BasementDweller]

I have to admit those dramas somewhat made me feel alive inside. And that’s another story. I feel like each time I resolved an issue with him was a challenge to be won. Then rinse and repeat. A thousand times.

I think this is why many people end up feeling as if they have an addiction to the pwBPD. The highs and lows make you crave the highs so much more. I used to get frustrated because I actually really craved stability and I did not want to bicker with my partner or have any drama. Every single day, I'd wake up and say to myself, "Today will be a good day. No bickering. No BPD drama. Just be happy, do your thing, he can't possibly find anything to disrupt about." Aaaaaaaand... .oh yes he would. If everything was totally peachy, sun shining, beautiful weekend, BBQ fired up, love in the air, he'd make a hateful cutting remark about something I supposedly said to him two years prior that he found deeply insulting and start reacting as though the threat were real, immediate, and life-threatening and needed to be addressed RIGHT NOW. The less there was to fuss about, the harder he tried to sabotage it all by making something up. To him, I'm sure it was real in his head. He believed I called him stupid two years prior. I didn't, but he convinced himself that I did - whenever he wanted to stir the pot.

In the end, the last two months of my living there, he was totally dyregulated, hostile, psychotic, and aggressive. Everyday, still, until the day I had to walk out for my own safety and sanity, I would come home from work genuinely excited to see him, still loving him, hoping he had returned to some kind of baseline. He never did. I only ever wanted a normal, calm life. I had to leave to find it, and it may be calm now, but it's empty as hell without him. I never stopped loving him. I never hated him for what went wrong inside his head. I just felt (feel) sad that this often beautiful person with so many good qualities was so utterly warped by this horrible disorder that he drove away a person like me. A valuable, caring, kind, patient, stable person who was good to his children, and faithful to a fault to him. I was what he always wanted. But he didn't have the emotional stability to make any success of it.

With him gone i do feel emotionally tough- like no one can ever screw with me. I’ve noticed it at work. I don’t let anyone belittle or criticize me without fighting back. I guess I’m starting to see the benefits, I could say that.

Way to go! You deserve respect! Yup, same here. I have emerged from this with a thicker skin in a lot of ways. Another added bonus is if I meet a man and he appears interested in me and shows even the merest hint of emotional inappropriateness... .like he's way too love-bomby or way too aggressive early on... .I am 100% out of there. Showing excessive emotion in any direction when we have only just met... .nope. My BPD ex did this and I mistook it for a passionate European man in love. I thought it was cultural. No. It was BPD. There are plenty of men of his culture and ethnicity in this country that are not "over the top intense" right out of the starting gate. Most of them actually. I have a much lower tolerance for anybody who behaves over-reactively to me now - in any situation.

[Cromwell]

Morning Cromwell and thank you. And yes, one of the worst things in my life then was knowing I couldn’t be with him anymore. It’s time to be selfish, or to love thyself. They say you cannot truly love someone unless you love yourself first. But with a BPD partner, they are like children. You do anything for them and think of them first. This time I am thinking if my own children- they have been through a lot when I was with my ex. They’ve seen and heard all the devaluation,  pushes and pulls and my heartache. I’m glad to say now that he’s gone my focus is on them and we’ve become closer than ever before.
Still using your technique by the way, cartoonizing him in my thoughts. Kinda makes me laugh but it works. And the pain gets lesser.

After you get better at it, the next stage is mute all the sound from the image, then maybe adjust his lips to look like exaggerated goldfish, let him spew those harmful words - but you choose how he presents himself. Be creative, its your image, turn it from colour to greyscale. Slow it down, speed it up so their abuse sounds like a chipmunk on fast forward.

At the end of the show I freeze the frame, fold it in half, then keep folding it in half until it is the size of a stamp. then mentally throw it in the bin.

It takes time, but eventually I do it almost automatically - its rare that they even come back eventually, the hurt has been neutralised.

[SerendipityChild]

he'd make a hateful cutting remark about something I supposedly said to him two years prior that he found deeply insulting and start reacting as though the threat were real, immediate, and life-threatening and needed to be addressed RIGHT NOW. The less there was to fuss about, the harder he tried to sabotage it all by making something up. To him, I'm sure it was real in his head. He believed I called him stupid two years prior.

Same here... .he became so paranoid I had to tell him straight that he needed to see a psychiatrist. But he'd fight me on it every time- saying therapy hasn't and won't cure him. He always questions why I continued to stick with him, that I deserve someone better, etc. The more he tells me those things the more loving and attentive towards his needs I became. But it only made him bored, I think. He loves having drama everyday. If the day went without any issues he would say tomorrow is going to be just the opposite. There was no silver lining nor happy ending. I have never experienced such negativity with anyone, everyday.

[SerendipityChild]

After you get better at it, the next stage is mute all the sound from the image, then maybe adjust his lips to look like exaggerated goldfish, let him spew those harmful words - but you choose how he presents himself. Be creative, its your image, turn it from colour to greyscale. Slow it down, speed it up so their abuse sounds like a chipmunk on fast forward.
At the end of the show I freeze the frame, fold it in half, then keep folding it in half until it is the size of a stamp. then mentally throw it in the bin.
It takes time, but eventually I do it almost automatically - its rare that they even come back eventually, the hurt has been neutralised.

Thanks Cromwell... it does help. The mind is a very powerful thing. I just need to keep practicing until I get better at it. Before I would obsess about all the good memories with him and how I miss him terribly. Now I think of the devaluations and start cartoonizing him=)

[SerendipityChild]

Showing excessive emotion in any direction when we have only just met... .nope. My BPD ex did this and I mistook it for a passionate European man in love. I thought it was cultural. No. It was BPD.

This reminds me of a friend whose mother told her that if she met someone and sweeps her off her feet, she must run from him as fast she can. Isn't this exactly the case with our exBPDs? The highs we experienced during the first few months. As simple as doing the laundry with them was exciting. And the sex was truly fantastic. If I have only learned about the red flags then I would have saved myself from pain and heartache.