Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 02:31:37 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Near or in break-up mode?
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
95
Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?  (Read 883 times)
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« on: August 13, 2018, 07:04:06 AM »

My wife and I have been married for 5 and a half years. She has very strong BPD traits and it’s been a rollercoaster ever since we got married. We went to Washington DC for an internship then at the beginning of eh internship I said would you like to come to England to visit my family? She said yes ok as we were getting on great st the time, so I booked flights for us at the end of her internship.
A few weeks before she randomly messaged me saying she was going to fly back to Utah and not england as she didn’t want to get close to my family and saw no point if we were going to break up. This was completely out of the blue as we had been getting closer than ever hitch makes it even harder.
The last week in Washington DC come along and it was tough and awquard as I though maybe this is the last time we will see each other and she was spending more time with her friends there. We had a fight and she said she didn’t want to be with me so I said ok file for divorce as I wanted to call her bluff and was fed up of hearing this wanting to break up and all over me the next day. I went outside for a walk and she sent me the filled out divorce papers. I printed them he following day and left them on the table in the lounge for her to see.
Our final day in dc we go for a nice lunch hen it’s like she had my control again as half way through the lunch she says she has to go and see her friend for dessert. I said ok, she came back a couple of hours later and as it was our final night in dc I asked her plans for that evening. She said she’s going out but with friends. I was shocked and upset but didn’t show her my emotions, so I said ok I’m going out to party too, have a good night, then I left.
A couple of hours later she messaged me saying if I pass by a shop to bring a drink for her so she wanted to show to me that she was still at home and didn’t go out. I ignored the message for an hour and continued having some drinks on a bar. I then went home and she was there doing work on her laptop, I asked why she didn’t go out, she said because it’s raining. I asked if she wanted to go for a drink she said no it’s ok. As she had the control back over me. So I said ok I’m going on my own. I left and within 30 minutes she messaged me to say she was horny. Her wild card. So I went back and we had a good night, watched the movie and got a pizza and hugged most of the night.
The next morning we were finishing packing our things and I was expecting her to ask about the divorce papers and to go through them together... .but nothing... .she didn’t even take them with her or mention them... .as she left I said I loved her and for her to take care, no begging as I’ve been trying to be very strong lately. She said you too and left on her own in the taxi.
Backtracking a couple of days before this I said I’m not sure my plans yet, maybe I won’t go to England maybe I will do abit if traveling to get my head clear and figure out my life. For some reason I regret saying this but I think it’s her games just getting to me.
Anyway after being in England 5 days I’d heard nothing from her so I sent her a general message to ask if she was ok and if they family and dog was ok. She said they’re fine but don’t contact me unless it’s about divorce papers. She’s obviously mad for something, maybe because I didn’t message her for 5 days, or most probably because I am with family in England and every time I go to England, she gets very distant before I go.

I didn’t reply to her message and I am up in limbo about what to do, going crazy to be honest, drinking a lot and trying my best not to message her again in the hope she will message me. We had a break in the past when we were both in Utah as she said she made out with some guy. I left but stayed in the states with a friend and she was contacting me after a week saying she missed me, so I went back to
Her and things were great for a time. This time I am in a different country and after receiving that message from her I don’t know what to do.
Has anybody experienced anything similar to this? Would be great if you should share any experiences, I am tempted to fly tonutah and see her but then it would seem like begging. In my ideal situation I would like her to message me and say she misses me then I will fly out and set ground rules, especially now having studied more about borderlines I may be able to understand her better and not take things personal.

Any help would be great as I really don’t want this marriage to end.

Thank you
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

pearlsw
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2801


"Be kind whenever possible, it is always possible"


« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2018, 03:13:49 PM »

Hi Sufferingsoul34,

May I ask what makes you think she BPD or BPD traits? I'm not saying this story is unfamiliar, but I am wondering what brought you to the site.

There is a lot of helpful information to read up on. I think you may want to key in first on abandonment issues. It sounds like there is a lot of push/pull and you may want to examine how some of the things happening here are likely triggering her fear of abandonment.

My SO has broken up with me hundreds of times. I get it. It sucks. It feels like a game. It really isn't. It is about extreme emotional pain and we get offloaded like a hot potato because of it.

Are you two currently in contact? Is a divorce in process?

wishing you the best, pearl.
Logged

Walk on a rainbow trail, walk on a trail of song, and all about you will be beauty. There is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail. - Navajo Song
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2018, 07:37:19 PM »

She ticks prettt much every box of a BPD personality disorder and I’ve seen many therapist and even spoken to her own who says she has it but they haven’t officially diagnosed her yet.

No divorce in process as I printed the papers but she never took them from the apartment we were renting, didn’t even mention them when she left. Was only when I texted her.

Turns out today her Mum messages me(we keep contact as her Mum likes me and she wants us to stay together but my wife doesn’t know we talk) anyway her Mum says my wife has been telling people I will arrive next month once she’s finished her lsat prep course, makes it even more confusing... .
Logged
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2018, 07:38:32 PM »

Also pearl no contact, nothing at all since she messaged to say only contact her if it’s about divorce papers so I ignored her.
Logged
pearlsw
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2801


"Be kind whenever possible, it is always possible"


« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2018, 09:33:37 PM »

Hi Sufferingsoul34,

I can relate to your pain! I have been threatened with divorce so many times it makes my head spin. When I finally agreed to it, he started pulling out all the stops to get me to stay with him. Go figure!

I think this is, unfortunately, a common threat many of us hear. You are right to put the ball in her court to make it happen if she really wants this. My guess is she wants it at times, then she eases off, then it comes up again.

I find it hard to wrap my mind around such issues as well. My SO insists this is not about control, it is purely about his emotional pain. Okay, so that is how he sees it. I think after doing it so many times, at moments when he was not getting what he wanted fast enough. that it is also about control. I guess we won't agree.

What matters is how you handle this, and how much of it you can endure. It is not an easy cycle to break. It takes a lot of strength. There is a push/pull pattern involved here and it can go on for a long time. I think listening/validation can go a long way to ease some of the issues, possibly.

In terms of your pattern together, does she at some point come running back to you? That's interesting that she is telling people she will be with you in a month. The LSAT is pretty hard. I am sure that is causing her a tremendous amount of stress, it would anyone, but for her even more so I imagine. Perhaps just short, encouraging, no pressure messages would be the way to keep in contact for now?

wishing you peace, pearl.
Logged

Walk on a rainbow trail, walk on a trail of song, and all about you will be beauty. There is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail. - Navajo Song
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2018, 06:14:36 AM »

I was thinking to contact her but I am also worried that she will feel as she has even more control over me so part of me is like I will wait for her to contact me and then be calm with messages. Day at a time I guess but I don’t want to give her so much control that she will continue saying about the divorce papers, even if she doesn’t know what she wants, but the conflict in my mind is that maybe she is getting attention from elsewhere, or maybe just concentrating on the lsat and doesn’t want the stress of me around. It’s just strange how the divorce papers didn’t go with her to Utah but as soon as I messaged and she gained control, it was all about the papers again when if she really wanted she could print them and send them to the address where I am at.
In the past with the silent treatment she gave, she will randomly send me a message even when I’ve been in England, or a random FaceTime call out of nowhere, but divorce papers weren’t on the cards then so I don’t know this time, but it’s probably just another cycle especially if she’s been telling people I will be there in september, but no words to me. Very tough times and I don’t want to make the wrong move to push her away more if she doesn’t want contact at the moment, but also I don’t want her to feel abandoned if I don’t contact her but I did try a few days ago and that’s the response I got... .
Logged
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2018, 04:21:21 PM »

Now I’ve just received a text from her out of the blue saying that my car registration runs out in September and she asked if I have plans to go to Utah at all.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #7 on: August 15, 2018, 04:39:08 PM »

have you responded?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #8 on: August 15, 2018, 04:48:50 PM »

Not yet, I don’t know whether to or to wait... .and don’t even know what to say to be honest but I know for sure I won’t be saying that I am definitely going there. Any advice?
Logged
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #9 on: August 16, 2018, 03:16:13 PM »

I responded saying thanks for letting me know and I am thinking about whether I should go to Utah. She replied today saying to let her know if I want my clothes or should she donate it all? More mind games aghhh I don’t know how to respond now... .part of me is like because I didn’t say I am definitely going to Utah then she is feeling abandoned, but I didn’t say I wasn’t... .head screwed again just as I was feeling slightly better.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #10 on: August 16, 2018, 04:04:03 PM »

i would encourage you not to over think this... .anxiety makes it hard to read other people.

these are questions (hers) i would take at face value, and answer them in kind.

what do you want to do? what do you want to say?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #11 on: August 16, 2018, 05:11:26 PM »

What do you mean when you say answer them in kind? Yes you’re right I think my anxiety is affecting my ability to read. I want to tell her I am going to go to Utah and I want my belongings but I also don’t want her to take advantage of having the control over me so it’s difficult. By having advantage I mean sending abusive messages saying she wants a divorce or saying things she know will hurt me.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #12 on: August 16, 2018, 05:44:04 PM »

by answer them in kind, i mean in a straight forward, honest manner.

"are you coming to utah?"

"i am/im not"

"do you want your clothes back or do you want me to donate them"

"i would like them back/i dont need them, go ahead and donate them, thanks"

i would also encourage you not to approach this as a power struggle based on who has an upper hand. what feel like mind games may be her own confusion, or may have more benign, straight forward motivations. regardless, it will give you clarity if you approach this in a straight forward and authentic manner.

Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #13 on: August 16, 2018, 05:58:49 PM »

Thank you for your advice. I am trying not to see it s a power struggle but after being in Washington DC with her and the control she was trying to get over me the last week there, it completely confused me but yes my anxiety was probably affecting my judgement and also the drinking alcohol I was doing as a coping mechanism. I have just replied to her saying that I want me personal belongings and I will be coming to Utah at some point. I didn’t state when, just that I would be. So will see what’s going to happen. Maybe when she messaged me yesterday about the car registration it was her cry to me that she misses me and it was her way of saying it as her last message before that a week ago was only contact me if it’s about divorce papers, but who knows as I am still trying to learn more about borderlines so I can handle it better if we remain together.
Logged
pearlsw
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2801


"Be kind whenever possible, it is always possible"


« Reply #14 on: August 16, 2018, 08:38:24 PM »

Hi Sufferingsoul34,

I'm sorry! That must have been so hard to hear! I can't gauge the intentionality on such things, but I know it sure can put you into a panic. Keep in mind, in some way, our partners will often try to make us experience the level of emotional pain they are in. It can be massive!

Remember, depersonalize, it's an illness talking, but act practically.

This might help you with email/text communications: B.I.F.F. Techniques for Communication

How long until you will make the trip do you think? Her knowing when (more or less) might help with the abandonment issues.

wishing you the best, pearl.
Logged

Walk on a rainbow trail, walk on a trail of song, and all about you will be beauty. There is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail. - Navajo Song
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #15 on: August 18, 2018, 04:00:13 AM »

Thank you Pearl. I will probably make the trip in a few weeks as I have some family matters to deal with in England first. I wake up today to a missed call from her... .so I messaged if everythings ok and she says yes she’s fine. Then she sends another text asking if it’s a good idea we talk, so we spoke over text a few times just general chat about our families and she asked if I am going to be in England permanently. I said no I am going to Utah, she asked after Utah Do I have plans to settle anywhere else and I told her I haven’t looked into settling anywhere else, end of conversation.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #16 on: August 18, 2018, 01:40:16 PM »

howd it go? how do you feel about it?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
QBert

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 47


« Reply #17 on: August 18, 2018, 02:40:08 PM »

Sufferingsoul,

I know conflict with a partner, especially when BPD is involved, can be very stressful and difficult... .It's even more so when great distances are involved. Resolving conflict over a non face-to-face medium... .That's even harder.

I see a lot of good replies here. I am watching and always learning more myself.

I will add this myself. It seems you're partner is like mine. Communication becomes very sparse during conflict. I know it can be easy to assume the worse during such time, yes?

I can tell you're feeling many emotions. I can almost guarantee whatever intensity you're feeling, she's feeling 5-10x more. Empathy can be hard during these times... .But it can also bridge gaps.

I hope you are able to come to your desired outcome. 
Logged
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #18 on: August 19, 2018, 09:46:01 AM »

I had another late night missed call from her so I messaged to say sorry I missed the call. Later that night she sends me a message saying ‘I am really sorry for being such a terrible wife’ I don’t know how to respond to this? As yes she’s hurt me a lot, is she finally realizing or just trying to reel me in again... .?
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #19 on: August 19, 2018, 10:02:52 AM »

youre going to be walking on eggshells if you view your wife of five years as trying to reel you in.

shes expressing regret. this is an opportunity to let her talk, and to do a lot of listening.

try this approach, the power of asking validating questions: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

let her talk... .try to reflect back that you hear what shes saying. id bite my tongue on trying to argue with her perspective or say my piece. id just do a lot of listening, tell her i want to take some time to reflect on it, and then id do that reflecting.

Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #20 on: August 19, 2018, 11:56:18 AM »

So I responded asking what she meant. The response I got was ‘just that, because I was unhappy I made you unhappy. And I know you’ll find what you need’ definitely not the response I wanted and now I’m even more confused as was hoping she would be opening up to me more now.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #21 on: August 19, 2018, 12:52:29 PM »

its a start... .its not what you would have hoped for, but its not meaningless.

does she know you dont want to divorce?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #22 on: August 19, 2018, 01:00:52 PM »

When we were discussing the divorce I told her this is her decision and not mine. Then she said to me why did I ask her to fill the divorce papers so it means it’s both of our decision. I again then stated that it’s her choice and I didn’t want the divorce, but if she wanted to separate then there is nothing I can do about it.
Would you respond to this or just leave it for now and wait for the next call/text? Seems to me everyday she is thinking black or white of me, when she sent the text late last night I was white and now maybe black again.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #23 on: August 19, 2018, 01:31:09 PM »

i dont know that shes painting you white or black here.

this sounds like divorce proceedings between two conflicted people.

i dont know that a response is called for, and i probably wouldnt, but what do you think about something like "what made you unhappy?". and then listening.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #24 on: August 19, 2018, 01:41:05 PM »

What do you mean by 2 conflicted people? Meaning I want it to work and she doesn’t? Or none of us really know what we want? As one minute she wants it then the next she’s asking when I’m going to Utah etc, the fear of abandonment.
I don’t know whether to respond as we have discussed in the past what made her unhappy and it’s hard to communicate when she has this mindset, probably my fault not talking about issues when things were great.

Logged
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #25 on: August 20, 2018, 06:45:19 AM »

Ok so last night I hadn’t replied to her message and I had another missed call from her. I tried to call her back and she said to call her abit later. So I did and we had a chat for about an hour, just general conversation, didn’t really talk about anything that she said in the text she was just saying what she had been upto etc. not sure if it was a wise decision not to bring up anything but I was just trying to be calm and patient and didn’t want to have an argument.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #26 on: August 20, 2018, 12:38:44 PM »

Or none of us really know what we want?

i am (more or less) referring to that. so far, she has mostly signaled that she wants to divorce. you called her bluff, and whether you intended it or not, the message she seems to have taken is that you do too (you dont). she seems to be reflecting, and regretting. thats pretty common in divorce, especially if someone uses it to get their way, but it can play out a couple of different ways.

but I was just trying to be calm and patient and didn’t want to have an argument.

not a bad move, but if she was talking to you for an hour about general stuff, reading between the lines she may have wanted to connect with you. sufferingsoul34, shes likely every bit as confused as you are, and shes probably not reading you well either.

so dont have an argument, i agree... .id be looking for opportunities to connect, to let her talk, to listen, to lead.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #27 on: August 20, 2018, 07:19:38 PM »

What do you mean when you say she may have wanted to connect with me? You think I should do things differently next time she tries to reach out to me? I didn’t hear from her at all today. My therapist recommended that I wait for her to reach out to me at this current time. When you say looking for opportunities to connect with her, do you mean when she reaches out to me?
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #28 on: August 20, 2018, 07:22:27 PM »

When you say looking for opportunities to connect with her, do you mean when she reaches out to me?

yes. it may be that she wants to talk, nothing more. it may be that she doesnt want to go through on the divorce, but thinks you do... .its hard to say.

i tend to agree with your therapist. im just saying when she dangles something out like "sorry i made you unhappy", take that opportunity to let her talk and signal that youre interested in hearing what she has to say.

use those validating questions.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Sufferingsoul34
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #29 on: August 21, 2018, 08:13:25 AM »

Thank you so much for your advice, so glad I found this website! Life saver!
Ok so my issue is that when I go back to Utah, I don’t want the same again. I want her to go back to therapy and continue taking her Prozac, and also for her to stop messaging guys on Snapchat etc for attention. How would I go about doing this? My therapist says boundaries are important but of course with a borderline it’s difficult.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!