Do BPD symptoms get worse with age?

[professorplum]

My wife and I met when I was 15.  That was 33 years ago.  We had a good marriage for a long time, but eventually her BPD symptoms and behavior started to get worse.  At first it was only when she was really stressed, later it has become a lot on the weekends when I am home.  

She has pretty severe hearing loss, and she doesn't want to go out and see people very much at all.  This means we are mostly just at home the two of us when I'm not at work.  And gives her lots of time to take out her bad feelings that she is sure I'm causing on me.  

Does BPD ever get _better_ as people age?    

thanks

[formflier]

I think it gets worse with age (assuming untreated and assuming people around them continue patterns).

I don't think it has to do so much with age, as it has to do with length of time reinforcing bad habits.

So... .someone that does destructive things for 10 years... .won't be as bad as the same person that has done them for 20.  Their "point of view" would get narrower and narrower.

Plus... .more time to have things happen, which they can then resent.

Can you share more details about what you would like to change?  Or "what has gotten worse with age".

FF

[Enabler]

A Harvard study found that acute symptoms such as self harm, public raging, and suicidal ideation decrease significantly in around 10yrs of onset. Around 80% of sufferers will experience little or non of these symptoms by this point. HOWEVER, it still leaves the other non-acute symptoms such as fear of abandonment, black and white thinking, highly volatile emotions etc etc. One argument put forward was that suffers learn that the acute behaviours are not socially acceptable, that the cost benefit of the behaviours generates more shame and guilt than it relieves. Substance abuse, private attacks and more entrenched sense of entitlement are likely to increase to compensate. As FF points out, the longer a sufferer has to cement these behaviours, and longer the sufferer is enabled, the more entrenched they will be.

Stress and fear are primary triggers for emotionally sensitive people. Life events and health deterioration such as hearing difficulties is likely to be very stressful and generally negatively emotional. Your W has likely spent a lifetime avoiding guilt/shame and blame therefore her own physical disability coupled with her heightened emotions will be deflected and projected onto you. PwBPD are big fans of making you feel bad so they feel better.

https://www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/BPD-symptoms-decrease-age.html

Enabler

[formflier]

There is also "relationship time"

I'm coming up on 25 years of marriage and about 10 years since "it" (BPD) showed up.

Well... .let's be frank.  There is also stuff we mess up.  And they resent.  Except pwBPD don't really forgive or forget (at least it seems that way).

So... .over time... .stuff builds up that they are pissed off about

FF

[professorplum]

I'm in a very similar boat.  26 years of marriage, things started to get really bad about 8 years ago.  They get better from time to time, especially when I remember to just respond to her emotions and try not to focus that they are bad emotions and she is blaming all of them on me. 

I am also amazed at the long list of resentments that she will pull out from time to time.  Memories of things that happened (and some that definitely didn't happen).

[formflier]

I am also amazed at the long list of resentments that she will pull out from time to time.  Memories of things that happened (and some that definitely didn't happen).

If you want to give some examples... .and examples of how you responded, I'm sure we can help you make this part better.

"Re-writing" history is a massive part of "BPDish" behavior.  Usually it's about making memories fit with current feelings.  This is usually not a conscious process... .but a result of extreme emotions.

FF

[Enabler]

Also, what happened 8 years ago? Can you pinpoint the trigger?

[SamwizeGamgee]

Good topic.  I have heard several opinions that say that BPD behaviors diminish as the suffer ages.  As was said, the flagrant tantrums and anti-social behaviors probably burn out. 
I think people with BPD are missing core behavioral developmental stages, and then learn them slower.  Sort of like reverse dog years.  An 18 y.o. BPD sufferer might have the relationship skills of a 7 y.o.; a 40 y.o. BPD sufferer might have the emotional capacity of an 18 year old.  So, maybe with time, progress is made. 
Even with the eventual filling-in of missed stages, I propose that no one "recovers" from lost childhood nurturing. Be it nurture or nature, a core deformity remains - in spite of what age and wisdom might contribute later to compensate.
I muse that the appearance that BPD improves or normalize with age comes from the fact that everyone around a BPD later in life has been able to adjust - or they quit trying to have a normal relationship.  They have simply burned down or driven away anyone who can't withstand BPD behaviors.  Thus, less conflict, less problems and the appearance that the BPD person has improved.

[PeteWitsend]

I've also read that the more severe aspects of BPD often do diminish over time.

In my own experience, that's been the case, although I've only been married for 5 1/2 years and knew her for about a year before that.  Also, we never really had much of a "honeymoon period"... .the signs of BPD were there from the start.

One thing that helped a lot was starting her own career; I expected at the time that would be the death knell of our marriage, since she would feel "empowered" to leave over all the imagined slights and offenses I had committed. 

Instead the opposite occurred: she stopped constantly accusing me of infidelity, generally became more of a partner at home instead of so antagonistic toward housework, and her general disposition improved as well.

Don't get me wrong, she's still not easy to live with.  she still picks some pretty awful fights over nothing and makes baseless accusations, but more rarely.  I can at least cope with them better when they're fewer.

I get the sense that most of her "borderline behavior" is triggered by anxiety due to her rough childhood.  Particularly anxiety of being abandoned.  As she's gotten more confident in her career, she has less anxiety over what would happen if I left, and paradoxically is more kind, tolerant, and understanding as a result.

It's like she stopped trying to pre-emptively push me away

that's my "amateur psychologist's" take on my situation.

[PeteWitsend]

One thing I suppose could alter the "improvement with age" theory is chronic or terminal illness.

I really do feel for those who have BPD spouses that suffer from some illness or suffer from an illness themselves, and are stuck with a caretaker who is unable to manage their own feelings and emotions.

If BPD is an inability to manage emotions or feelings as a mature adult would, when you add more problems to their situation in life, such as health issues,
it just tips them off-kilter even more than usual.

[Red5]

... .One thing I suppose could alter the "improvement with age" theory is chronic or terminal illness.

This is happening in my marriage, seven+ married / ten+ relationship... .my u/BPDw has stage IV C (rcc), she was dx two years ago now.

After she resigned her career billet (job) resultant, and started her treatment regime(s)... .and'... .I became aware, (subsequently & consecutively) of what is BPD about seventeen or so months ago, .things have quieted off somewhat.

Now, when she comes unglued, .I just say to myself, "BPD"... .and metaphorically look into my tool kit for the right "tool" to use.

I have become very numb however, sometimes I "take inventory"... .and it does surprise me how much I have changed?

It has taken its toll on me, my personality, my persona, .my outlook on life.

We are both fifty'ish in age, both second marriage.

Red5

 

[SamwizeGamgee]

PeteW - agreed. My wife recently became a much more well-rounded and apparently balanced person as she's started a business.  She's more confident, proud of her achievements, and able to act like an adult.  Maybe she's more appreciative of what is, and what was also.  She is less anxious about the perception of her using "my" money or "her" money.
I wish she would have done this years ago.