Trying to let go...

[Lake45]

So last week my 21 yr old unblocked me on social media to tell me she loves me and misses me then proceeds to tell me I will never see my future grandkids, that she is an adult and she is happy with her decisions. Proceeds to berate and belittle me some more then says " but I would like to see you"

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

I think we just find ways of letting go to the extent we can, for that hour of that day, you know?

She probably wants something from you.  Sorry if that's harsh, just thinking from my own experience.  For example, i schlep down to The airport at 4 am this morning to pick my d up.  She wouldn't let me hug her.  She sat in the back seat with her head faced backwards the whole ride home.  Then, at home, I get a text: what's the iTunes password?   

In the past I think I'd have replied sarcastically or even ignored her.  But this time I texted her the password.  Because I think at least for this morning I saw that she's troubled.  It's not personal. So it's as sad as ever but letting go today meant not reacting to her cruel behavior. 

So maybe don't react to her mean words like at all.  And if you see her hang onto your wallet.  Or think ahead of a way for her to earn any money she wants to take.  Oh well. Hang in there.  I'm sorry you're here. 

[Huat]

Hi Lake45. 

Glad you are still with us.  Speaking from experience... .you will need all the support you can muster to make changes only you can make.   Once again I will say, kudos to you for being pro-active... .getting counselling for yourself.

You wrote in another post/thread... ."I think I am doing okay... .until I'm not."  I do know what you mean... .had (have) those feelings myself.  Don't get discouraged by that.  Because you are a loving Mom and will always be a loving Mom, those "lows" will  come... .but... .they will come fewer, farther between... .and less intense... .if you keep working at it.  Not easy... .but do-able.  In reading Faith Spring's reply above, you can see that different strategies are working for her already.  She is feeling... .better... .not great... .but... .better.

Early on in our saga, my daughter found my "buttons."  She pushed, I reacted... .played right into her hands time and time again.  Oh, if I had known then what I know now!  With that said, I do give myself credit in that I know I did the best I could... .and when I knew better... .I did better.

Your daughter is an adult now.  Other than handcuffing her, putting her in isolation and throwing away the key (joke!)... .there is NOTHING you can do to prevent her from going into an abusive relationship, getting pregnant, yadda, yadda, yadda.  The thing you can do is allow her to feel the consequences (good/bad) of her actions... .and keep in mind that they are "her" actions, not yours... .responsibility hers... .not yours.  Do not ever take on guilt.

Hope you keep sharing with us, Lake45.  I have been participating on/in this forum for about 2 1/2 years now and it has been such a worthwhile journey.  I've poured out my heart... .at times late at night... .early in the morning... .and it was so important for me to find that people were listening (reading)... .validating me... .giving me strength to carry on.  Even though my daughter and I are once again in no contact, I am okay this time.  I am in control of ME.  If/when contact is made again, I am armed with valuable knowledge on how to proceed in a relationship with her... .a relationship that will NEVER be the way it was in the past.

((HUGS) to you, Lake45.  This sure isn't what we envisioned life to be, is it?

Huat