How I learned how to swim - Pt 3 - Confessions

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

When my BPD ex broke up with me, I was completely blindsided.  It all seemed to come out of nowhere.  She gave me a long laundry list of everything that was wrong with me and the relationship.  When I tried to change my behavior on the things she said was wrong about me, she told me that it didn't matter because she could not tell if I was making these changes to get better or just to try to get back with her.  She made sure I had no path forward.

My anxiety was through the roof.  I was having panic attacks.  I was sick.  I had so much bile in my stomach that I could not eat or drink for weeks.  I couldn't sleep.  I just couldn't function.

I decided that if she would not give me a path forward, I would find my own path for myself.  I started journaling.  I documented everything that happened, everything that we both said to each other.  I started reading psychology books (The Art of Loving and Love and Will were particularly helpful for me).  Doing this and the support of loving friends and family got me through this time.

Of the long laundry list of things my BPD ex gave me of all that is wrong with me, some of her complaints were legitimate.  I am far from perfect.  I owned my failings and told her so. I took responsibility for my missteps and said so.

Many of her complaints were symptoms of my depression.  I don't want a free pass on those things.  I'm responsible for my own health.  I could have done more to treat my depression instead of just enduring it.  She had to endure it with me just because of proximity.  I didn't consider how this affected her.

I also realized that we had a symbiotic relationship.  I used her to fill in the gaps in me and to do the things I felt I could not do.  Her biggest complaint in that area was the house chores.  Mine were more abstract.  I used her expressions of love to fill in the gaps where I could not love myself.  This is probably a big part of why the love bombing worked so well with me.  If I had someone assuring me that I was the greatest thing ever, I didn't have to deal with the messy business of why I could not love myself.  To have your self worth tied up in what someone else feels for you is too much of a burden to put on anyone and it was an unfair thing for me to do.

I confessed all of these things to her. She didn't have any comments about it and usually seemed bored by the whole conversation. 

But it turns out that she had some confessions too... .

About a week after the breakup, she told me that she realized she was asexual and that she had realized this about 3 months prior.  I accepted this and didn't do anything to make her feel like less of a person.  It did confuse me, though, because she still acted as if the breakup happened because of all of the things wrong with me. She gave no indication that her switching sexual orientations had anything to do with it. You would things that if you are in a romantic, sexual relationship with someone that changing your sexual orientation might have an impact, right? 

Then she also started talking about BDSM.  She said that she realized that she was playing a sub role with me but that I wasn't being a good dom; I wasn't ordering her around enough.  Well, I didn't even know we were supposed to be playing out that relationship dynamic because it had never been mentioned.  Even if we had discussed it, I wouldn't have agreed to it.  It's just not my thing and it is not what I think love is about.  No judgement about that or people who are drawn to that, it's just not me.

But this did shed some light on the symbiotic relationship dynamic that we had.  Where I sought to use her to fill in the gaps within me, she wanted me to take responsibility for everything and order her around so that she wouldn't have to deal with the anxiety of making her own choices and dealing with the consequences of those choices.

Another thing that stood out to me about these confessions is that both the asexuality and BDSM were things that were important to her online friends.  In fact, she admitted that one of the friends was a dom and had been telling her what to do when she felt out of control.  I started to wonder how much of this was genuinely coming from within her and how much was her absorbing the characteristics of the new people/major objects in her life.

Her personality changed a lot in the months prior to the breakup.  Her interests changed from what they were during the relationship to become more like the interests of her online friends.  This is understandable to a certain degree - as you meet new people, your interests expand.  But this was taken to an obsessive level.

The things that she was interested in during our relationship just disappeared.  I began to realize how much of her personality, who she was when she was with me, was just a mirroring of me and my interests.  She played the role of who she thought I wanted her to be.  Who she was with me wasn't real; it was a character.  And my mind was just blown.

[Educated_Guess]

When my BPD ex broke up with me, I was completely blindsided.  It all seemed to come out of nowhere.  She gave me a long laundry list of everything that was wrong with me and the relationship.  When I tried to change my behavior on the things she said was wrong about me, she told me that it didn't matter because she could not tell if I was making these changes to get better or just to try to get back with her.  She made sure I had no path forward.

My anxiety was through the roof.  I was having panic attacks.  I was sick.  I had so much bile in my stomach that I could not eat or drink for weeks.  I couldn't sleep.  I just couldn't function.

I decided that if she would not give me a path forward, I would find my own path for myself.  I started journaling.  I documented everything that happened, everything that we both said to each other.  I started reading psychology books (The Art of Loving and Love and Will were particularly helpful for me).  Doing this and the support of loving friends and family got me through this time.

Of the long laundry list of things my BPD ex gave me of all that is wrong with me, some of her complaints were legitimate.  I am far from perfect.  I owned my failings and told her so. I took responsibility for my missteps and said so.

Many of her complaints were symptoms of my depression.  I don't want a free pass on those things.  I'm responsible for my own health.  I could have done more to treat my depression instead of just enduring it.  She had to endure it with me just because of proximity.  I didn't consider how this affected her.

I also realized that we had a symbiotic relationship.  I used her to fill in the gaps in me and to do the things I felt I could not do.  Her biggest complaint in that area was the house chores.  Mine were more abstract.  I used her expressions of love to fill in the gaps where I could not love myself.  This is probably a big part of why the love bombing worked so well with me.  If I had someone assuring me that I was the greatest thing ever, I didn't have to deal with the messy business of why I could not love myself.  To have your self worth tied up in what someone else feels for you is too much of a burden to put on anyone and it was an unfair thing for me to do.

I confessed all of these things to her. She didn't have any comments about it and usually seemed bored by the whole conversation. 

But it turns out that she had some confessions too... .

About a week after the breakup, she told me that she realized she was asexual and that she had realized this about 3 months prior.  I accepted this and didn't do anything to make her feel like less of a person.  It did confuse me, though, because she still acted as if the breakup happened because of all of the things wrong with me. She gave no indication that her switching sexual orientations had anything to do with it. You would things that if you are in a romantic, sexual relationship with someone that changing your sexual orientation might have an impact, right? 

Then she also started talking about BDSM.  She said that she realized that she was playing a sub role with me but that I wasn't being a good dom; I wasn't ordering her around enough.  Well, I didn't even know we were supposed to be playing out that relationship dynamic because it had never been mentioned.  Even if we had discussed it, I wouldn't have agreed to it.  It's just not my thing and it is not what I think love is about.  No judgement about that or people who are drawn to that, it's just not me.

But this did shed some light on the symbiotic relationship dynamic that we had.  Where I sought to use her to fill in the gaps within me, she wanted me to take responsibility for everything and order her around so that she wouldn't have to deal with the anxiety of making her own choices and dealing with the consequences of those choices.

Another thing that stood out to me about these confessions is that both the asexuality and BDSM were things that were important to her online friends.  In fact, she admitted that one of the friends was a dom and had been telling her what to do when she felt out of control.  I started to wonder how much of this was genuinely coming from within her and how much was her absorbing the characteristics of the new people/major objects in her life.

Her personality changed a lot in the months prior to the breakup.  Her interests changed from what they were during the relationship to become more like the interests of her online friends.  This is understandable to a certain degree - as you meet new people, your interests expand.  But this was taken to an obsessive level.

The things that she was interested in during our relationship just disappeared.  I began to realize how much of her personality, who she was when she was with me, was just a mirroring of me and my interests.  She played the role of who she thought I wanted her to be.  Who she was with me wasn't real; it was a character.  And my mind was just blown.

[once removed]

this is a pretty honest and vulnerable assessment, EG.

still, its not really fair, and pretty immature to throw out a laundry list of blame during a breakup.

hearing afterward that your partner is asexual has to be a mindblower. how are you feeling about it? how are you holding up?

[SerendipityChild]

Her personality changed a lot in the months prior to the breakup.  Her interests changed from what they were during the relationship to become more like the interests of her online friends.  This is understandable to a certain degree - as you meet new people, your interests expand.  But this was taken to an obsessive level.

My ex started to lose interest on the stuff we used to do to have fun- concerts, camping, movies. All of which he introduced me to. A few months into his new job he seemed to have changed, cold and resentful towards me. He started talking about the people he met through work and their interests. We stopped talking about us and making plans. Less sex and romance.
I got him a brand new electric guitar, the one he really liked. Looking back now I realized there was nothing, grand or simple, I could have done to keep him.

[Educated_Guess]

this is a pretty honest and vulnerable assessment, EG.

still, its not really fair, and pretty immature to throw out a laundry list of blame during a breakup.

hearing afterward that your partner is asexual has to be a mindblower. how are you feeling about it? how are you holding up?

Hi once removed!  Thanks for replying.  Yeah, I didn't mean to imply that it was fair to dump all my sins on me at once  But I also didn't want my posts to all be about what she did wrong.  I made mistakes too. I've learned a lot about BPD that has helped me to put things in perspective, but what I have learned about myself has been far more valuable.  I wanted to throw that into my story somewhere.

As for the asexual thing, I'm not sure exactly what to think about.  If it is true, that would explain some of the issues with physical intimacy but not the problems with intimacy as a whole.

I think there is a possibility that she has adopted this because that is how her new friends identify.  She is a chameleon.  It could also just be a crowbar used to pry herself from a romantic relationship with me.

Who knows?  I probably will never know so I've tried not to focus on it too much. It wouldn't surprise me if she remained asexual the rest of her life.  It wouldn't surprise me if she is in a sexual relationship with someone a month from now.  I think it really just depends on who she is emulating at the time.  (I do not in any way mean to imply that asexuality is not a valid orientation or that orientation is a matter of choice.  It is common for pwBPD to change sexual orientations so there's something else that could be going on when BPD is involved.)

It wasn't the core issue of the breakup though.  I think why it was important to me is that it was one of my first signs that things were really illogical.  Her claim that the breakup was all about how horrible of a person I was but changing sexual orientations wasn't a part of that decision? Yeah, that just doesn't make sense.  It was one of the first moments where I stopped and asked "What is really going on here?"

[Educated_Guess]

My ex started to lose interest on the stuff we used to do to have fun- concerts, camping, movies. All of which he introduced me to. A few months into his new job he seemed to have changed, cold and resentful towards me. He started talking about the people he met through work and their interests. We stopped talking about us and making plans. Less sex and romance.
I got him a brand new electric guitar, the one he really liked. Looking back now I realized there was nothing, grand or simple, I could have done to keep him.

Hi SerendipityChild!  Thanks for sharing.  It strange how the personality of pwBPD can change so completely based on the characteristics of whoever they are focused on at the time.  I think it goes back to pwBPD not having a core self.  It seems they just play a character of who they think you want them to be.  But that can only last so long before they have to face the emptiness within again.  When it does, they have the choice of dealing with it or running and becoming someone else.

Or at least that is how I understand it right now.  I think you are right about how there was nothing you could have done to keep him.  I feel the same in my situation.  No matter how wonderful we are, we can not fill the void within them.

[SerendipityChild]

Or at least that is how I understand it right now.  I think you are right about how there was nothing you could have done to keep him.  I feel the same in my situation.  No matter how wonderful we are, we can not fill the void within them.

Hello EG... .for weeks after the discard I was close to going to the hospital to check myself in. Twas such a struggle and I was having severe anxiety and depression.  But then I have children who rely on me (not his) and the upside is that I have never felt closer to them. They have seen me at my worst with my ex- the begging and crying for him not to leave and the constant break up and make up. I am their mom, and should have set a good example rather than show weakness all because of a man who did nothing but ruin me emotionally and financially. But I am trying to make up for it- giving them my 100% more than ever.