New here, 21 year son I suspect has BPD, major problems started 12/13

[blewbell]

Hi!  I have a 21 year old son who I suspect has BPD.  I've just bought the Stop Walking on Eggshells book and it's helping some, although I'm having trouble with the 'childhood trauma/invalidation'.  We are an intact family I have an 18 yo DD who doesn't see the trauma/invalidation but I've had problems with son from day one.  He had a difficult birth, was born emotionally sensitive and I had a library of 'strong willed child' books before kindergarten.  Invalidation seems like a self fulfilling prophecy.  

Major problems started around 12/13.  Lots of arrests, juvenile court, detentions, suspensions, expulsions, drug abuse, assault of his father.  Destruction of property, etc.  One hospitalization for 7 days after a rage with assault and suicide threat at age 17 with generic 'mood disorder' diagnosis, other treatment attempts but all refused after a couple of sessions or wouldn't talk.  After 18, more arrests, drug abuse turned into major drug dealer, guns in house, more of the same with father and assault.  We kicked him out over a month ago due to a rage that ended in death threats.  Then frantic abandonment texts and showing up at home.  Couch surfing but seems to have settled on one couch and has a new job, has a car loan from last period of relative stability.  Now he is NC with us.  Which is fine.  

We are upper middle class, 2 professional jobs - husband did get laid off during recession and decided not to work for a couple of son's teen years to babysit him due to expulsion.  We have tried everything and given so many resources and time to no avail.  He is very intelligent, passed GED at 17 first time no studying with flying colors. He has finished 3 college classes with A's and B's (after dropping the first semester, but needs constant emotional support to stay on task) and has kept a job for up to a year at a time.  

Sorry this is a lot.  I could write so much more but wanted to get a little history out there.  Glad to be here.  Kinda  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello blewbell 

Welcome!

Hi!  I have a 21 year old son who I suspect has BPD.  I've just bought the Stop Walking on Eggshells book and it's helping some, although I'm having trouble with the 'childhood trauma/invalidation'.  We are an intact family I have an 18 yo DD who doesn't see the trauma/invalidation but I've had problems with son from day one.

I can relate to this, I have two daughters as well as my uBPD son, he, like your son, was very sensitive as a child and actually he still is. Neither of my daughters has a problem with her upbringing but my son does his, he says that he was abused when he was a child. It’s extremely hurtful when you know that you love your child and you tried to give them the best upbringing that you could. Sometimes as a mother you can end up feeling full of self doubt and a failure. I certainly felt that way before I found this site.

I am so sorry to hear of all the destructive behaviour that your son exhibited, it must have been really difficult for you. It sounds like you and your husband had such a lot to contend with. Are you feeling a sense of relief since he decided to go NC with you?

You say that you could write so much more. Well when you are ready, we are here to “listen” x 

[blewbell]

Thank you for the warm welcome Feeling Better!  I am feeling some relief since NC.  I did meet him for lunch a couple of weeks ago because he became frantic about finishing a summer school class.  He had some sort of stomach virus (or reaction to all the drugs I'm sure he had been taking) and thought he had colon cancer.  He accused me of not caring and not calling to check on him while he was dying and had to endure gunfire all night (he was with friend who lived in bad neighborhood).  He had an air mattress that had a hole in it.  etc etc etc.  So I felt I needed to talk to him since the last time I had seen him he was being carried out on a rail after head butting his father and threatening to kill him (3 different methods, very graphic details, disgusting). 
He had started delivering food the day before I met him for one of those services and I knew that the job was crazy.  I can locate his phone and he was driving all over the dang town and having to figure out where to park and use that app and work independently.  A is VERY social and I knew working this independently and using technology coupled with the frustrations of driving would never work.  So I wanted to see how he was feeling about that.  I was scared it was all tumbling in on him.  DH supported the meeting. We want to help him, he just can't live with us anymore. The death threat really bothered DH.  He brushed off the things he said as a teen but once someone is almost 22, well you have to start believing them.  Don't want to end up on the news ya know.
Well he was on lunch break and I walk in and he has already ordered a beer!  Omg it's already started badly.  He sat there and looked me straight in the face and told me that the only time his dad ever pat him on the back was after he had hit him, that his father ignored him, that I should have left him years ago, etc etc.  Not to make this longer than it already is but their relationship didn't become physical until he started trying to fight his father around the age of 15.  He resisted any discipline and physically attacked his father if he tried to take anything away or wouldn't allow him to leave.  All DH did was try to put him in his place.  Not perfect but I know when that crap started. 
So I left the restaurant.  That was upsetting and he only contacts me now when he wants 10 here or there for gas or food.  When I told him to send me a list for the grocery store and he could pick it up prepaid, he quit asking.  I'm sure he's on drugs again.  He loves Xanax, alcohol, meth and weed.  Smokes cigarettes.  The Xanax is a doozy for him. It completely destroys his inhibitions and increases his impulsivity.  He knows this but apparently doesn't care.  That's what I don't understand.  The knowing what triggers you, even knowing what he's doing.  He will leave the room and come back raging.  Sometimes he will even sleep and come back raging.  He will start throwing up everywhere (I mean everywhere! in the front yard, in the bank parking lot, in front of jail, all over me, all over the kitchen floor) if he doesn't have any Xanax.  Refuses detox.  It's ridiculous. 
He's in a better situation now, a house about 2 miles from us (no gunfire) and the guy is a manager for a pizza place and got him a job delivering pizzas.  It's still delivering food but a smaller radius and he works in the store too with other ppl.  So I think that's better, but it won't last. 
So yes I feel so much relief!
So for a question, should I reach out to him or leave well enough alone?  I hate to feel that his fear of abandonment has become a self fulfilling prophecy but I also hate to only be contacted for money.  I wish there was some sort of relationship left. 

[Feeling Better]

Hi again blewbell

Wow, so much going on, I’m not surprised that you are feeling some relief by the NC.

I just want to refer back to some things that you wrote in your first post. You mentioned that you are currently reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, there is another good book that you might find useful and that is called Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Manning.

You say that after a period of hospitalisation your son was diagnosed with mood disorder and after a couple of attempts at treatment he refused any further treatment, however you now suspect that he probably has BPD. Do you think that your son might be in denial regarding his illness? I know my son was, in fact he thought that it was us who were to blame for all his “problems” and that it was us that weren’t “normal”. He told us many times!

Some of the things that you wrote in your second post resonate with me. Our son used to rage at my H and although it came close a few times, luckily for us his rages never resulted in violence. I can definitely understand your H’s concerns though over the death threats that your son made towards him.
Another thing, my son who would have been around thirty at the time, also used to urge me to leave my H.

I understand when you say that you hate to be contacted only for money, my son mostly contacted us when he wanted/needed something. It took me a long time, probably because I was in denial, to realise that I was being used, and that was a hard thing to come to terms with. Nobody likes to feel used by another person and especially not when that other person is their own flesh and blood.

So, you ask whether you should reach out to him or leave well alone. I wish I could give you an answer to this but this is something that you alone must decide. You say that you wish that there was some sort of relationship left, which may indicate that you are not ready to throw the towel in just yet. We can help and support you whatever you choose to do but ultimately it is your decision x