Struggling with boundaries

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

xw appears to be ramping up her incursions into my life lately. Not sure why - I try to keep contact limited (no social media, infrequent text, no phone calls, infrequent e-mail).

Yet, after a 3 week camp/vacation she spent with S12 and S7, and extremely limited contact with boys for me during that time (because she was in Canada and int'l phone rates, blah blah blah), within the first day back with me, she is texting me restricting what the boys do during their time because of forest fire/smoke in our area. I don't respond to those texts. She texted S12 telling him about the smoke and forbidding swimming in the lake by my house. (I guessed this because he was hesitant about swimming, so I asked if his mom had texted him, which he said that she had.) I didn't make a big deal of it - just mentioned that we would keep exposure time limited whatever we do outside.

The same bad air outside is the same bad air inside my house, which is not air conditioned (as most homes are not in the area I live). Neither boy has asthma, and both are extremely healthy.

Move forward to Monday when I have to head into work. I use a nanny service to have care providers for the kids. xw begins demanding to have name and phone number of nanny. I leave the nanny xw's name as emergency conctact, but have thus far, tried to keep their phone numbers private. I ask xw what specifically she wants to discuss. She says, nothing, but if I have something come up, I need to be able to contact your nanny that you hired to take care of our kids. I refuse. Ratchets up this morning, she is flying off handle accusing me of keeping her from talking to the kids. I point out that S12 has a cell phone for that purpose. She can't get through because his phone is out of charge and he/she forgot to pack phone charger. I finally relented (lost boundary) and asked the nanny to let the boys call her on her phone if and only if son's phone was completely dead.

So, I am left wondering how I got backed into this corner and how to avoid it in the future. I know that I don't want xw pushing into the nanny service, for fear that: a) she will blow up my working relationship with that service, and b) she will use it to further justify why she wants the parent plan to be changed - namely, I will never finalize this divorce. I backed down, and I don't know why I did. Wondering what to do now.

[takingandsending]

xw appears to be ramping up her incursions into my life lately. Not sure why - I try to keep contact limited (no social media, infrequent text, no phone calls, infrequent e-mail).

Yet, after a 3 week camp/vacation she spent with S12 and S7, and extremely limited contact with boys for me during that time (because she was in Canada and int'l phone rates, blah blah blah), within the first day back with me, she is texting me restricting what the boys do during their time because of forest fire/smoke in our area. I don't respond to those texts. She texted S12 telling him about the smoke and forbidding swimming in the lake by my house. (I guessed this because he was hesitant about swimming, so I asked if his mom had texted him, which he said that she had.) I didn't make a big deal of it - just mentioned that we would keep exposure time limited whatever we do outside.

The same bad air outside is the same bad air inside my house, which is not air conditioned (as most homes are not in the area I live). Neither boy has asthma, and both are extremely healthy.

Move forward to Monday when I have to head into work. I use a nanny service to have care providers for the kids. xw begins demanding to have name and phone number of nanny. I leave the nanny xw's name as emergency conctact, but have thus far, tried to keep their phone numbers private. I ask xw what specifically she wants to discuss. She says, nothing, but if I have something come up, I need to be able to contact your nanny that you hired to take care of our kids. I refuse. Ratchets up this morning, she is flying off handle accusing me of keeping her from talking to the kids. I point out that S12 has a cell phone for that purpose. She can't get through because his phone is out of charge and he/she forgot to pack phone charger. I finally relented (lost boundary) and asked the nanny to let the boys call her on her phone if and only if son's phone was completely dead.

So, I am left wondering how I got backed into this corner and how to avoid it in the future. I know that I don't want xw pushing into the nanny service, for fear that: a) she will blow up my working relationship with that service, and b) she will use it to further justify why she wants the parent plan to be changed - namely, I will never finalize this divorce. I backed down, and I don't know why I did. Wondering what to do now.

[worriedStepmom]

I am assuming that the nanny takes care of the kids at your house?  So in case of an emergency, xw could send someone to your home to contact the children if she can't get ahold of you? 

What changed today to have you either pick up the phone for her call or respond to her texts?  What was going through your head when you continued to listen or respond to her?

Is there something else stressing you out, or some special date connected to your relationship or the kids coming around?  Is it perhaps your version of the transition stress that kids often have?  Something sucked you back into the dance, and if you can identify that, you'll have a lot more success fighting off that impulse to give in next time.

[takingandsending]

What changed today to have you either pick up the phone for her call or respond to her texts?  What was going through your head when you continued to listen or respond to her?

I try to stick to BIFF, but I feel defensive about having the nanny service for the kids. I work full time. Lately, with the week on/week off schedule, it's been a struggle for me to get consistent care providers with summer vacations and everything else. The service knows my request for consistency, given that the kids are dealing with a whole lot of changes already (new homes, new schedule), but they sent a new person for Monday/Tuesday this week. I had to go into work late to get the kids acquainted with the new nanny. They had 3 different providers cycle in and out to cover about 15 days of service. This is the 4th. They have all been good; the kids have liked them. I am very careful to let S12 know to call me or text me if anything is amiss while I am at work. I do work an hour away from home for 3 days a week, which is stressful.

I think that my xw is wanting the information about the nanny to use against me. We are in collaborative divorce, going on for nearly 2 years now. We have a signed parent plan and agreed to financial terms. But xw won't sign off on papers. I have heard from mutual friends that she believes I am (big shocker) a narcissist, and she wants to revisit the parent plan. The entire collab. team has already agreed that I should have primary custody of the boys until she seeks treatment; none of them can handle her.

I felt defensive. I don't know why. I guess I feel, somehow, that I am letting my kids down by having to have people they don't know look after them during a delicate time in their lives. You know how pwBPD can be, they manage to find that nugget of truth and turn it into a large untruth, and yeah, I am susceptible to that ... .still. I try really hard to give my sons a secure, stable attachment, validation and love. I think I am always afraid it won't be enough.

I remind myself that xw won't even let me know her address, does not tell me where she travels with the kids when she leaves the state, all sorts of details that actually would be supportive for the kids if there were an emergency. So I know that I am being pretty responsible and not withholding information she or the boys need to be safe.

[livednlearned]

Be gentle with yourself, talkingandsending.

You have had good boundaries and this is a minor slip. So far, no wheels have come off, and you are doing a bang up job under difficult circumstances.

You're using a reputable nanny service and trying to get them to provide the same person for consistency. Summer is tough and eventually something will come along that works better for your situation.

Your ex can't use against you something that is not wrong. She isn't signing the parenting plan because doing so gives up too much control, not because the nannies keep changing.

What is kind of weird in your situation is that people get the custody orders, but the BPD parent doesn't follow those orders. Whereas it sounds like your ex is following the orders that haven't been signed off on.

What really matters is what happens on the ground. If this collaborative black hole ends one day and you end up with a new lawyer, you will have a ton of status quo to work with. That counts more than anything, especially in cases where there really is no there there. "talkingandsending used a nanny service" will be met with "and... .?"

You feel disproportionate fear, obligation, and guilt -- that's an issue a lot of us have to work through.

I let my son jump on a trampoline without safety nets, drive in the front seat of the car when he was 13, shoot a bb gun, and hoot it up in the back of a moving pick up with friends one weekend -- they posted this all on social media. Ex saw it and tried to use this as evidence that I was a terrible mom. The judge said, "It sounds like your son got to have a bit of fun."

I'm just a stranger on the Internet, but from what I can tell, you don't just try to give your sons a secure, stable attachment, validation and love. You do it. 

[takingandsending]

Thanks again lnl, for the perspective. I will probably need it in another few weeks.

I talk to my L today and am going to ask for mediation session before exiting collaborative, as last ditch effort. I am so angry that it's coming to this. Have to keep in focus that my custody time has improved, kids are doing okay, life will go on. Think I need to reconnect with my T. I missed the kids an awful lot while they were away, and I am so happy to have them with me this week. And we are heading out to the Midwest to visit family next week. Just need to breathe.

[Catsmother]

And just a really simple response from me. To save the drama around S12's phone being uncharged, because the charger wasn't packed, get a spare one to keep, and I mean keep, at your house. If he loses the one from mum's house, don't replace it with yours. At 12, he is responsible enough to keep track of his 'stuff'.

And be kind to yourself. We all have lapses in concentration at times.

[ForeverDad]

I like the idea of keeping a spare charger at your house.  For those of you like me who didn't know, several manufacturers of electrical receptacles now have receptacles with a couple USB slots built right in.  Yes, you don't need to plug in a brick.  All you do is replace the old receptacle with the new one that has a couple USB slots.  Each costs from $10 to $20.  I chose a brand that said it provided a total of 4.8 amps, or 2.4 amps per USB slot.  (I even saw one, even more expensive, that had one USB slot and one (newer) USB-C slot.)

I also have USB car chargers that use the 12V socket most cars have.  That way I'm never far from access.

About letting the kids call on the Nanny's phone... .Instruct the nanny to format the call so it is a Private call and doesn't reveal her name or number.  I think you first enter "*67".

[livednlearned]

When I wanted to understand BPD, I used to imagine what would be a normal feeling for any given situation and multiply it by a thousand.

Your wife is likely feeling heady with power. She knows everyone is waiting for her to sign. She feels that power times a thousand. 

Someone who feels like nothing inside is not going to give that feeling up easily.   

She probably won't sign the papers until someone takes that power away.

What happens in real terms if she does not sign the papers? The parenting plan is signed, is that correct? The financials are squared away?

What is left outstanding that needs to be handled?

[takingandsending]

Hi lnl.

If she does not sign, nothing is entered with the court, i.e. signed parent plan with no official court recognition of it. I will then have to take the signed parent plan and hire another attorney to file it with the court and to try to get final decree with financials entered in. All of which she may and probably will hire attorney and fight.

I am contacting traditional (non-collaborative) attorneys and will choose/pay retainer. I will then request my collab. attorney to request final meeting with mediator before exiting the collab. agreement. My L says the mediator is a former G.A.L. and pro tem judge, who will lay out the reality of going through court to both of us in terms of expense, impact on kids, and likely results for me and my xw.

Beyond all of that, I had hoped to find and purchase a new home to be securely into my life sans xw, but I will have to delay that event for possibly several years if I have to hire and spend additional and considerable money to settle this in court. I am a decade out from retirement, so it financially damages me, more than I may have time to recover, but it's not the end of the world.

My feeling is that if I am compelled to settle this in court, I should ask for a custody evaluation and request psych eval for us both with the intent to gain more than 50% custody. I will talk this strategy with the court attorney I select, but would appreciate the community's thoughts here.

[livednlearned]

That plan sounds really well thought out.

The mediator sounds perfect, especially the former judge credentials. Hopefully he or she will get the message across.

If you go that route, the devil is probably in the details.

Whether you plan to go through with the custody/psych eval or not, I would imagine just the possibility could work as leverage, from the way you describe your ex.

Hopefully the prospect of a psych eval alone would motivate her to sign.

[ForeverDad]

I am a decade out from retirement, so it financially damages me, more than I may have time to recover, but it's not the end of the world.

That's just about where I was too, with a preschooler, I had sometimes teased my son that I would attain retirement age when he graduated school, so he could start working (and support me) when I stopped.

My feeling is that if I am compelled to settle this in court, I should ask for a custody evaluation and request psych eval for us both with the intent to gain more than 50% custody. I will talk this strategy with the court attorney I select, but would appreciate the community's thoughts here.

My custody evaluation included psychological testing.  The point of a CE is to dig deep into the family dynamic and recommend long term custody and parenting schedules.  I recall my first temp order was based on one question, "What are your work schedules?"  It was heavily in my spouse's favor, the so-called default "dad the worker gets alternate weekends" template, ignoring that I had a temp protection order based on my spouse being charged with Threat of DV.  On the other hand, my initial CE report's summary was spot on, reflecting 4-5 months of testing and sessions with each member of the family.  "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can... .Mother should immediately lose her temporary custody... .If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails then Father should get custody."

I call it my initial CE report because a couple month later my stbEx raged at the pediatrician's staff and the pediatrician 'fired' her by withdrawing services to our son.  So I am sure the CE report submitted on Trial Day was updated to include that.  However, she blinked, we settled and so I never found out what was in that report.

Be forewarned that while a good CE can make a solid case, a lousy evaluator can do the opposite.  So be very sure only the best custody evaluators are on the final group for selection.  One approach that works is to have you be first to propose a short list of reputable CEs and let stbEx choose from among that vetted list.  You get to ensure only responsible CEs are selected while stbEx makes the final selection.  Courts will like that since it has both parents participating in the selection process.

In my case, my lawyer chose the evaluator he considered The Best, a seasoned child psychologist whose evaluations were never contested by the court, and her lawyer who was not from the local area accepted it.  So I didn't have to do the vetted short list approach.

Another factor to consider is that court usually is reluctant to make massive changes all at once.  It prefers to make tweaks hoping/expecting that minor changes will be enough.  So it's possible you may end up in court for a few years until the orders work.  Well, if you don't start out with an appropriate first order.

For example, My temp orders Gifted my ex with temp custody and temp majority time.  They continued unmodified (despite professionals recommending changes) until my two year divorce ended.  The final decree in our settlement (at the last minute on Trial Day) was for Shared Parenting, joint custody and equal time.  The only edge was one I held out for in the settlement, being Residential Parent for School Purposes, that school selection was based on my residence.  That was a wise choice because she moved several times over the years while I didn't.  SP didn't work and soon I was back in court seeking custody and majority time, a 1.5 year Change of Circumstances process.  I got Custody but not extra time.  That didn't change her obstructive entitlement, disparaging and playing games with exchanges.  Back in court again, it was another 1.5 years and a full two day hearing/trial and I got majority time during the school year.  She was given a "one more try" break by the court and kept her summer equal time.  That worked, we haven't been back to court for nearly 5 years now.  When occasionally triggered she will threaten court but son will age out of the court system within a couple years so that's not likely.

[takingandsending]

I contacted 4 law firms/attorneys today that my collab. L provided. I have to see who has availability and set up initial meeting before putting them on retainer.

Once in place, I will advise my collab L to request meeting before exiting collab process. Hope this works.

[takingandsending]

I have 2 appointments to meet with different attorneys after I get back from vacation with the kids to the Midwest.

The second attorney said, within a minute of hearing the case details, "Sounds like she [xw] has BPD" and followed that with "In my experience, cases where one party has a mental disturbance are not resolvable in the collaborative process." He knows my collab. attorney and thinks highly of him. But he knows BPD trumps any hope of reaching resolution. Well, unless mediation with judge/GAL works, I have wasted that money [excluding fact of having a signed parent plan, which at least is usable product from collaborative].

Thinking my savings from the house sale is going down the legal drain ... .so frustrated!