Brand new here. Struggling daily.

[HopelessBroken]

I was broken up with for good last month and I’m struggling daily. I found this board recently and don’t know where to turn. Hoping you can help.

I was in a relationship for 2.5 years with a man I deeply love. I was married and knew him for years as a friend. He pursued me big time. I had just ended an affair with a coworker and started talking to him. He was immediately intriguing to me. Extremely emotional and intense and into me. Very impulsive with his thoughts and behaviors. Within two months we had been very sexual were in soulmate love and talking marriage and a detailed wonderful life. I knew him for years and he’s a police officer so I felt safe. I started therapy for support to end my marriage. He called himself my safety net. Five months in he did some snooping and found out about the affair I had before him. He confronted me and I disclosed the affair but minimized it. I was still married and not in the place to fully disclose every detail. Our relationship continued and I struggled with filing for divorce. Eight months in he freaked out on me and left me. We argued and at this point he accused me of still sleeping with my husband, the individual I had the pervious affair with, his best friend and three random men who were involved with friends whom I told him stories about that I thought were funny. (Nothing to do with me). I was completely faithful to him and so this was very difficult and confusing. He also said I was too friendly and flirted with every man. I had too many friends and they were too important to me. I went on too many girls weekends. He had disclosed having deep insecurities from childhood and feeling rejected constantly during his previous 20 year marriage and not feeling good enough ever. Knowing this I kept this in mind and assumed that was the reason for his suspicions. His positive words were amazing. He would tell me constantly how much he loved me, how beautiful and amazing I was and how he felt like he won the lottery.we went on trips and adventures which were always exciting and new. Often he was Switching from love to distrust and anger and hate. Needing to text and talk constantly. Needing to always know where I was and who I was with.

One year in started the pattern of intense lashing out when angry. He would be  lashing out about how much he hated me. Each time this happened it was out of the blue and the same info. Waste of time, whore, go to hell, suck at relationships and communicating, toxic, liar, I don’t want you, you aren’t good enough for me. When he would do this I would crawl into a hole. Not respond. Become sad and scared. Then apologize to him and tell him how much I loved him. When he would lash out and I would withdraw he would accuse me of waiting too long to contact him.   The first time he lashed out it was the night before a trip to see my mother. While I was gone for the week and besides myself in sadness as he left me he was back home taking a new girl out and sleeping with her on each date. We began talking again as I emencely apologized. He didn’t tell me about the sex with the other woman until much later. Four months later another lash out in person at a restaurant and he went home got drunk and slept that night with his married neighbor on his living room floor . I apologized and begged him to take me back. He made me feel guilty and horrible about not filing for divorce quick enough and then slept with me multiple times. Only to disclose the neighbor affair when her husband threatened him and he had to move. When I then left him after finding this out, he threatened to “eat his gun.” So I stayed. Despite being cheated on twice I stayed. He stared and quit therapy.

I filed for divorce from my husband before I knew about the neighbor. I thought the lashing out would stop as I was finally moving forward. It only got worse. We planned a trip together and he lashed out the night before the trip and told me he cancelled it. He went on the trip anyway and contacted me saying if I really wanted him I would have known to go anyway as he was there. He spent the entire night on the phone with me threatening me to call my soon to be ex and disclose intimate details about me in addition to calling my friends and family. Wanting me to disclose all the men I had slept with before and during our relationship. There were none while we were together and he knew the few before him. As he was dialing my family in a scary rage I told him I would admit to anything and just to stop. For days after he wanted to discuss in detail the fake affairs. I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him I didn’t care if he left me, I couldn’t keep up the lie that I had cheated as I had been completely faithful. Somehow we made it through that. I worked in therapy on my trust for him. I felt like I waited for the rug to get ripped out in between all the amazing loving times we had.

My divorce was finalized and once again I was lashed out at over a picture of my ex being left in my house by accident. Again the lies and my fake cheating I thought were behind us we brought up. We agreed to work on ourselves for a month (me in therapy and him saying he didn’t need it instead just  working on himself). We sat down and hashed out I thought all our issues and I was vulnerable about my past completely so that there was nothing he would ever find out that’s he didn’t know. He then admitted to 20 new affairs he had during his 18 year marriage. None of which he previously disclosed to me. But holding that back was okay. He asked me to meet his kids and to meet eachothers family. We decided on a date he would move into my home and I was very happy.

He would become increasingly angry and upset with his life, job stress etc and I struggled with how to support his consistent up and down moods. Although there was no lashing out for three months. We had awesome times together over these months with our friends and family. He asked me July 4th when we were getting married and that I was a unicorn. A dream come true.  Then four days later when he didn’t get invited to my friends cabin and I still wanted to go, he broke up with me. Lashed out the same stuff as always. Not good enough for him, not emotional enough, whore, pathological liar, toxic, doesn’t be want me. I crawled into a hole after his abusive texts and calls. I tried to fix it but each time he expressed more things wrong with me. I was devastated when he said to never ever contact him ever again. The next day he was apparently involved in a shooting at work. I wouldn’t have known but then received lashing out emails stating how he almost died and I didn’t have the decency to contact him. Saying I was never there for him before. Why would I be now. (After he said to never contact him again).

Throughout the month he randomly dropped off all the gifts I gave him one item at a time at my home. It was scary. While talking into my doorbell video camera “ I f*cking hate you with a passion.”  When I would call him to apologize for my part he would tell me he’s moved on, has zero feelings for me at all and he’s lfound an amazing woman who he’s dating and planning a future with.”  This was Within a few weeks of telling me he’s won the lottery with me and asking when we were getting married? How is that possible? He then said the straw was that I didn’t invite him to sleep over at my house and never made him a priority. What?

I’m left completely heartbroken. I can’t function. I constantly think of what I didn’t wrong and want desperately to be back with him. It makes me sick to think of him with another woman. I could never ever date right now but he dated immediately. How can he say “ you are everything to me you are the only woman I have ever loved” and the next day leave and date and have no feelings. My friends says this is incredibly abusive and to never contact him again. My therapist says this is a clear case of BPD.

Is this BPD? I feel like she’s saying that to make me feel better. He’s never told me he has a mental illness. He had a psych evaluation when being hired for his job.

I need help and incite. It’s depressing me to the point of wanting to no longer be here. Thank you for any assistance in advance.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HopelessBroken]

Just to add... .come to find out he was never involved in the shooting. Also, a month before breaking it off we went to the doctor as he was pushing me to have a baby with him. Lastly, despite how crazy this story sounds I do not have any mental health issues.

[Educated_Guess]

Hi HopelessBroken!  Welcome to the group.

It sounds like you have been on a crazy roller coaster with your boyfriend.  I'm sorry that you had to go through that.  I feel for you with where you are right now post-breakup.  I just recently went through a breakup with my BPD ex and felt a lot of what you are describing.

His behavior definitely sounds like BPD to me.  There is a lot of great info on the website that can help you to learn more about the disorder.  The link below has some info specifically for people who are or have been in relationships with pwBPD and it helped me tremendously in my recovery.

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-broken

I know you probably feel overwhelmed right now.  Learning more about BPD really can help.  One of the things you'll see is a lot of the that a pwBPD may do or say when they are trying to put you down may not actually have that much to do with you at all. 

When a pwBPD is lashing out at you, it can feel disorienting and you may not even be able to understand where it is all coming from.  My ex had a way of just bending reality in a way I've never experienced before.  Learning more about BPD can help you to see through that and start getting your bearings back.

Feel free to ask questions and reach out for help when you need it.  You are not alone!

[juju2]

Welcome.

Be kind to yourself.

There is a lot to learn from everyone here, and tools.  At your own pace.

Take very good self care. Am separated fm 10 yeat living together relationship w pwBPD.  All i could do was drag myself to work, come home, cover my head in the sheets, cry, basically isolated except for work.  I ate one hard boiled egg a day.  Lost 50 lbs the wrong way.

Be gentle, kind.   If you want to be with loving gentle people, no one demanding or critical.

Now is the time to really love yourself the best you can. 

j

[HopelessBroken]

Thank you for your responses. It makes me feel less alone in this.

I struggle with him saying he’s never verbally abused anyone before me, and that he only does it because I’m such a liar. He has a PhD so he’s a smart man and clearly sees what he’s doing. He said all his exes are crazy so I’m sure I now fall into that category. Since he’s only done this with me, he now goes on to have an awesome relationship with someone else meanwhile I’m barely able to get up for work each day?

I keep replaying in my head all that I didn’t do. He was always wanting sex. I didn’t have it enough. He wanted to spend every hour together and I needed time to my self. He needed a lot of emotion which I didn’t apparent give enough. He needed me to get divorced sooner. I was going through cancer treatment and it felt so scary. I left, just not soon enough. The theme... .not enough. So now I sit here alone.

[pearlsw]

Hi HopelessBroken,

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so low. Unfortunately, relationships can take a lot of out us!

Are you safe now? If you have suicidal thoughts it is important to speak to someone so you can express those feelings and have support. You are not alone! 

Yes, this certainly sounds like it could be BPD. You can read a lot about it on the lessons to the right  (and all over the site really!) to help you make sense of these behaviors. It can be a very confusing thing. No, she is not saying to make you feel better, it sounds like a real possibility. Many of us have/or have had partners with no official diagnosis. We just deal with the behaviors, and that is okay to not know and just do what we can with we are observing. Also, he may not recognize he has a mental illness. It is not so easy so one's behaviors so well, for many of us! And even if he does know, he might feel shame or denial over it, so that is also something to be cautious about.

I know it is hard. What you have described is called being split black and it can happen very suddenly and without warning. Try not to blame yourself or beat yourself up over it. It is part of his illness.

I had an ex who went from saying "he would never, ever, ever break up with me"/loved me more than anything, etc." to doing just that less than a week later for no apparent reason. Many of us know this pain. It is shocking and horrible. I am so sorry for your hurt! 

Do you have any contact whatsoever? What would you say to him if you could speak to him?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[HopelessBroken]

I’m seeing a therapist and have gotten on antidepressant and anxiety meds over this. I’m trying to get my head healthy again. When I was writing the above blurb about things that had happened in my relationship I could hardly believe what I was writing. I’m not used to instability in relationships.

The last contact was a week ago when he contacted me about more gifts I had given him and that he would be returning them. He expressed yet more reasons of why he was glad he left me and I told him that I loved him and was having a hard time functioning. That’s when he expressed that he was in a relationship and happy and asked if I ever saw him in the future to walk away.  It’s devistating. He says he’s in therapy for the benefit of “his future wife, who is not you.” (He has always quit in the past). 

If I could have a normal, loving discussion I would want him to know that I love him and will always love him. That I wasn’t going to leave him and that he is safe with me. That I’m in this and will work with him to make sure he’s feeling safe and his needs are met. I would want to hear that he’s knows he has problems with self regulation and he’s willing to commit to getting help. I would want to hear him tell me he loves me.

I just want to fix this and I know that sounds crazy after being cheated on and verbally abused.

[Educated_Guess]

Thank you for your responses. It makes me feel less alone in this.

I struggle with him saying he’s never verbally abused anyone before me, and that he only does it because I’m such a liar. He has a PhD so he’s a smart man and clearly sees what he’s doing. He said all his exes are crazy so I’m sure I now fall into that category. Since he’s only done this with me, he now goes on to have an awesome relationship with someone else meanwhile I’m barely able to get up for work each day?

I keep replaying in my head all that I didn’t do. He was always wanting sex. I didn’t have it enough. He wanted to spend every hour together and I needed time to my self. He needed a lot of emotion which I didn’t apparent give enough. He needed me to get divorced sooner. I was going through cancer treatment and it felt so scary. I left, just not soon enough. The theme... .not enough. So now I sit here alone.

I really empathize with what you are saying here.  My BPD ex also blamed the ending of past relationships on the other person.  I believed it when she told me and had no reason to doubt her.  After she painted me black, I thought back on those relationships she mentioned and doubted that the way she described them was really how it was.  I bet if I talked to those people, they would have a completely different story about what happened.

Part of mature love is to respect the boundaries and needs of the person you are with.  It sounds like he didn't do this with you.  It's not all about him and what he needs, right?

My friend and Psych professor was the first one who heard my story and thought that my ex could have BPD.  She explained to me that pwBPD have no core self, that there is a black hole within them. They seek to fill that void by taking from you - your attention, your love, your likes & dislikes.  She told me that no matter how much you give, it would never be enough to fill that void.  It is impossible to fill the void in another person because that is their own wound to heal.  No one can do it for them.  And it is an unfair expectation to have of you.

You are enough just by being who you are.  You just chose to be with a person who wanted you to be more than any person should reasonably expect of another.  

Does not living up to an un-achievable expectation mean you are not enough?  Of course not!  What if I asked you to fly to the moon by flapping your arms like wings?  It would be pretty ridiculous for me to expect you to be able to do that because it is against the laws of nature.  It's kinda the same thing here.  It sounds like he expected you to heal the wounds and fill the void within him. But that is against the laws of nature and relationships just do not work that way.  Each person is responsible for taking care of their own baggage - no one can do it for him.

I want to echo what others have said here - be kind to yourself.  You are a caring and loving person.  If you weren't, you wouldn't be feeling the pain of loss right now.  Think of ways that you can care for yourself now.  You can make it through this and you can start getting your life and yourself back.  It may not seem like it now (I didn't believe it when someone said the same thing to me), but it is true. You can make it through this!

[Educated_Guess]

The last contact was a week ago when he contacted me about more gifts I had given him and that he would be returning them. He expressed yet more reasons of why he was glad he left me and I told him that I loved him and was having a hard time functioning. That’s when he expressed that he was in a relationship and happy and asked if I ever saw him in the future to walk away.  It’s devistating. He says he’s in therapy for the benefit of “his future wife, who is not you.” (He has always quit in the past). 

It sounds like all these separate trips to return gifts is a tactic he is using to keep you off balance.  It seems he always says something hurtful to you when he does it.  What do you think about telling him to just keep the gifts?  That way he won't have an excuse to show up and try to hurt you again.

[HopelessBroken]

Ed guess, you are very correct. It’s as if I was to have strict boundaries with other people but none with him. And to answe the question about things, he’s brought everything over that he’s got. There’s no more things. No more reason to contact me.

He relocated his job to my district to be able to live together. When BPDs do things like this, do they actually feel at the time that they plan on staying with you? It’s a huge move as an officer to give up your patrol area. The last time I talked to him he said “you never had plans of moving in with me.”  We had a specific date planned. How does this change so quick?

Is there ever a chance that they realize what they had and come back asking for another chance? Or once you are finally discarded is that it?

[Educated_Guess]

He relocated his job to my district to be able to live together. When BPDs do things like this, do they actually feel at the time that they plan on staying with you? It’s a huge move as an officer to give up your patrol area. The last time I talked to him he said “you never had plans of moving in with me.”  We had a specific date planned. How does this change so quick?

Is there ever a chance that they realize what they had and come back asking for another chance? Or once you are finally discarded is that it?

I think that pwBPD love to the extent they are capable while the relationship is still meeting their needs. You have to understand that they are not conscious of some of the motivations that they have.  For example, my ex went through severe abuse as early as age 3.  She learned a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms then just to be able to survive.  Since it happened at such a young age, she's never known a time in her life when she didn't have to use these survival skills.  She probably doesn't even realize that what she does is abnormal or unhealthy because it is all she has ever known.  It's just like how we are surrounded by air and breathe it in and out constantly but we are not really conscious of that most of the time.

I'm not sure why things change so quickly.  It usually triggered by something you may do or say that makes them afraid that you will abandon them. It could be something completely innocent on your part.  But for whatever reason, it triggers that fear.  Then it usually becomes a race to abandon you before they get abandoned. 

The devaluing, the paranoia and the false accusations are an attempt at self protection.  When that fear of abandonment gets triggered, they really want to believe that you weren't worth their time and effort in the first place.  It helps them to change the story in their heads from "You are such a screw up that this great person is just going to leave you" to "I'm choosing to get rid of a horrible, toxic person and my life will be so much better because of it."

Sometimes there are attempts to recycle the relationship after a breakup.  They may come back and apologize or say that they will be different.  But it can only be a temporary thing.  The same behavior patterns will repeat until they commit to therapy and are willing to see themselves and their behavior honestly and work to improve it.

I know that is probably not the answer you want to hear.  It's not the answer I wanted to hear either.  I just really did not want to give up hope.  But when I started giving up the hope that things would change and that we could get back together, I started being able to take control of my life again.

It takes time and effort, but things do get better. I didn't think I could make it through it but I did and my life is better now.  I know the same can happen for you!