Does your BPD stage things?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm wondering whether this is a common BPD behavior.  I have on several occasions caught my family member with BPD staging things so that they can prove to everyone else how bad the person painted black is, and to give themselves something to be angry about. For example, last Christmas I found them throwing away an unopened present for their son, and claiming that the person never gave their son a Christmas present.  They didn't know that I retrieved the present and returned it to the sender.  I know this sounds crazy, but I've caught them doing this type of thing on several occasions.  It's so strange, I have to wonder if others have experienced this.   

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

I'm wondering whether this is a common BPD behavior.  I have on several occasions caught my family member with BPD staging things so that they can prove to everyone else how bad the person painted black is, and to give themselves something to be angry about. For example, last Christmas I found them throwing away an unopened present for their son, and claiming that the person never gave their son a Christmas present.  They didn't know that I retrieved the present and returned it to the sender.  I know this sounds crazy, but I've caught them doing this type of thing on several occasions.  It's so strange, I have to wonder if others have experienced this.   

[Cat Familiar]

Can't say as I've ever experienced that. Sounds like your family member is very wedded to the victim perspective.

My mother had a habit of recalling events in a very different way than I did, but not actively manipulating outcomes.

Can you tell us more about your relative?

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

Cat - Yes!  I was just thinking this morning that my pwBPD thrives on being the victim.  They are never wrong, and they see everything as a personal attack on them.  I've learned how to deal with most of it, using tools from this site.  I don't know how to deal with the set ups.  Other than to see everything as a trap, so that they can play the victim. 

Examples: 

They will bake a cake and beg everyone to eat it, then set it out on a counter, and then when people eat it they get mad that someone has been eating "their" cake.

They will ask you to put away the towels that they folded, and then one of the towels that you remember putting away (a beach towel that looks very different from the others) is later mysteriously found under the sofa.  How in the world did it get under the sofa?  This of course leads to a rage about why you didn't put the towel away like you were asked. 

I could go on and on.  In the beginning you wonder if you are loosing your mind, but then you see that this is a chronic pattern meant to make you the bad person, so that they can be the victim and have something to be angry about. 

How would you handle this, other than seeing all of their actions as a possible trap and not complying.  You know that will start an argument too. 

[Cat Familiar]

Wow, those are some elaborate setups. This person sounds like they've got a lot of unexpressed anger and that they're eagerly looking for a way to let it loose and then blame others.

It certainly puts you in an awkward position to try and anticipate the future consequences... .of everything connected to this person.

I don't remember ever hearing anything quite like this. Can you tell us more, and more about your role in the family?

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

It is the unexpressed anger that concerns me the most.  The rages are terrifying.  My pwBPD is my daughter-in-law.  She manifests this manipulative behavior with my son, my grandkids, and with me.  I see the stress that my son and grandkids exhibit, and it really worries me.  I'm a strong person.  I can take what she dishes out, but I can't stand to see what she is doing to the people I love.  She is constantly barking orders at all of them, waiting for them to screw up, and they are nervous wrecks around her.  I know that BPD can be co-morbid with other mental illnesses, so now I'm wondering whether there is something going on along with the BPD.  She can be so cruel.  I probably should have posted this on the in-laws section of the message boards, but I wonder if people who are considering leaving their pwBPD have experienced this issue.  I guess maybe I'm wishfully thinking that my son will eventually reach his limit and leave her.  It cannot be good for his health to live with this stress constantly.  I have learned from this site how to communicate with her to make our interactions easier, but I absolutely am at a loss on how to deal with the set ups to create reasons to be angry.  I would like to learn something to be able to pass on to my son and grandkids. 

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Hi!

I've experienced this as well with my ex (uBPDh). Not quite as extreme as with your pwBPD, though. I agree that it sounds like she's trying to be the victim and is staging things so she can be a victim. I'm really sorry to hear you're all going through this. The rages are terrifying. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. 

My ex seemed to set up "traps" for me regularly. It drove me nuts! It still does. I attempt to co-parent with him but it's now more like parallel parenting. But I can now see it a mile away and usually ignore it.

With my ex, it seems to me that he craves drama and chaos. I think it made him feel alive or feel something intense. I think he also has a need to make him feel better about himself by putting me down. I think he also needs a "release" for his pent up anger and I was an easy target. So he'd make stuff up to justify raging at me or whoever. It's like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You can't win and it's very frustrating!

It's a very tough situation to have to deal with. For my own sanity, I had to realize that what he was doing had nothing to do with me. He doesn't have healthy coping mechanisms to deal with whatever he's feeling. I couldn't stop him from what he was doing either. I can only control how I feel and how I react. In my case, I stopped reacting emotionally whenever I felt he was trying to create a trap for me. I would also ignore it, depending on what it was. Kind of like when a toddler throws a tantrum when they don't get their way. The problem with that was that he'd try to escalate and do something worse to get a reaction from me. I had to stay strong and not give in. I had to be consistent. Kind of like someone who's addicted to gambling. "The next pull may be the winning pull and I'll get what I want!" Does that make sense?

In hindsight, I wonder if there would be a healthy and safe way for your son to try SET (sympathy, empathy, truth) with her before she rages. Or a healthy way to try to diffuse the situation before she rages. How do they normally handle those situations?  I think the trick may be to not engage in any arguments regardless of what caused it. That's where I wonder if doing SET would help. Does that make sense?

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

Fire - Yes, your post absolutely makes sense.  It is spot on!  "Damned if you do, damned if you don't."  I know how difficult pwBPD can be when it comes to parenting.  All you can do is what you know is best when the children are with you, and try to ignore the rest of the drama!  It's confusing for the kids, because there are often mixed signals. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.   

Regarding my DIL... .She is a master manipulator.  In my example with the cake... . 

Her:  "I baked a cake.  Try my cake."

Me:  (Tries cake.  Praises her for the delicious cake.)

Her:  "WHO HAS BEEN EATING 'MY' CAKE!"

Alternative reaction... .

Her:  "I baked a cake.  Try my cake."

Me:  (Senses a trap.  Think to myself 'there is no way in hell I am eating your cake.' Avoids cake)

Her:  "I WENT TO ALL OF THIS TROUBLE TO BAKE THIS CAKE.  THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS EAT IT!"


What would S.E.T. look like in this situation?

 
Sympathy:  I know you worked hard on baking this cake. 
Empathy:  I know that you want us to enjoy your cake, and I'm sure it tastes delicious.
Truth:  It is so nice that you want to share your cake with us, but I'm not going to have any of it, because you should be able to enjoy every last bite of it, since you worked so hard.

Am I on the right track?  How can you anticipate how she is feeling, so you can sympathize/empathize, when she doesn't even know what she is feeling herself?  Sometimes I feel like I have to imagine that she is a three year old child, and respond the way I would to a three year old. 

The other thing that she does to guarantee a fight is to give someone a task to do.  The person is in the middle of doing task "A" and then she gives them task "B" to do "RIGHT NOW!"  The person has to stop doing what they were working on, task "A", and do task "B" instead.  Then she gets mad because they didn't finish task "A".  You can't win, and it is another way to set you up so that she can be angry.  Loved your quote:  "The next pull may be the winning pull and I'll get what I want!" I can totally relate to that. 

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I was thinking about this some more and ran your situation by my fiance who could probably open up his own counseling/therapy shop if he wanted to.   He gave me some good insights. I'm sorry I may have lead you down the wrong path.

Her behavior sounds more like NPD than BPD. NPDs are more calculating and pre-mediated. BPDs are much more emotionally reactive in the moment. If this is more NPD, then SET probably won't help. I believe my ex is both NPD and BPD which makes it really tough to deal with.

Sometimes I feel like I have to imagine that she is a three year old child, and respond the way I would to a three year old

I think this may be more helpful actually.

Here's an idea. Please take it with a grain of salt. Feel free to tell me to pound sand! I'm not an expert by any means.

Her:  "I baked a cake.  Try my cake."

<try to get a yes or no answer from her>

Me:  "Are you sure you want me to try your cake?"

Her: "Yes"

Me: eats cake

<question, how long does it take for her to get angry react like this?>

Her: "WHO HAS BEEN EATING MY CAKE?"

Me: calmly... ."You just asked me to try it. So I did. It was delicious. Why are you upset?"

Alternative scenario (if this isn't the first time):

Her:  "I baked a cake.  Try my cake."

Me:  (Senses a trap.  Think to myself 'there is no way in hell I am eating your cake.' Avoids cake)

Her:  "I WENT TO ALL OF THIS TROUBLE TO BAKE THIS CAKE.  THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS EAT IT!"

Me: calmly... "Last time you baked a cake, you told me to try it. I did and you got upset that I did. What do you want me to do?"  This may give you some more insight. Like a 3 year old, maybe she's using the wrong words to express herself.

What happens next in these scenarios? Also, if this happens a lot, personally I would feel free to record it somehow to show her what just happened. Is it possible that she is truly somehow forgetting that she just told you to try the cake? Could she also have some sort of dementia or something? I'm just throwing that out there because it does seem like very odd behavior, even for an NPD, IMO.

If you were dealing with a 3 year old child, what would that conversation look like to you?

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

I appreciate your insights.  I know she has been diagnosed with BPD, so I have always assumed that she was of the "Witch/Queen" variety.   She does meet several of the criteria for the BPD diagnosis: Impulsive spending/driving, idealization/devaluation, fear of abandonment, black and white thinking, unstable relationships, poor sense of self, inappropriate anger... .  She may have NPD too.  It makes sense based on her behavior.
 
The reaction about eating the cake came the next morning.  I don’t think dementia is the problem.  She is pretty young.   Maybe she felt that we ate more than she intended.  Maybe she just wanted us to have a nibble, so we could praise her for how wonderful the cake was, and then she could withhold it from us.  Who knows how her mind works.  Sometimes, depending on her mood, I can explain what happened, and she will seemingly accept it.  Usually, however, I’ve found that questions like “Why are you upset?”  trigger her rages.  I’ve always felt that this happens because she isn’t even sure herself why she is upset.  Maybe it’s because she perceives that I’m telling her she shouldn’t be angry, and since (in her mind) she never does anything wrong she gets even angrier.  It is such a difficult illness to deal with.  I spend a lot of time trying to figure out a rational reason for her behaviors, but when you are dealing with mental illness sometimes there is no rational reason. 

[AskingWhy]

I don't know about staging, but uBPD/NPD H triangulate with other members of his family, mostly his children.

He will bad-mouth them to me, complaining to them about me, then they vent their disgust and rage and me for "hurting" their father.

All of this children, raised by their uNPD mother, appear to be in the Cluster B spectrum: drug addiction, workplace bullies, suicide attempts, etc.

That said, H "stages" conflict with me by drawing in his children. 

[Lady Itone]

My exBPDgf once, in the middle of a drug-induced psychotic episode, put her birth certificate, boat title, and motorcycle title in my recycling pile, then wandered off to demand medication from her doctor and got herself Baker Acted because she was acting crazy. Of course, while she was in the hospital I put out the recycling and it got picked up. Then I got blamed for throwing away all her important papers. Sigh.

Later, she actually admitted to me it was a deliberate set up. Makes me wonder how many other things were deliberate tests I was set up to fail, and did. 

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

Lady Itone-  That is a very good point.  The triangulation at times could be likened to physical staging, because often times lies or misconceptions are used to aid in the triangulation.  When my DIL stages events, she shares with the rest of the family the awful thing (whatever was staged) the painted black member of the family has done in an effort to triangulate too. 

[Red5]

Several years ago, before I knew anything about BPD/npd; my u/BPDw was on one of her rampages, she took down wedding photos and destroyed them, then after the recycle she dysregulated and melted down again because I refused to replace the wedding photos that she herself had destroyed  ... .she screamed, “SEE!... .that proves you don’t love me!... .

I never did replace the pictures; but she finally did, only to destroy them yet again during another fight, and then she went after the wedding photo album;... .and get this, she had that replaced too, and then destroyed it as well, again, .during round three or four, God knows I stopped counting long ago.

To this day, there are no “wedding pictures” of us together anywhere in our home... .maybe “home” is the wrong word.

... .and it’s still my fault that she got mad and obliterated those pictures,

Red5

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

I'm sorry that several of you are also experiencing these set ups.  I'm suspecting they happen more often than we realize, because they are wanting you to fail or to prove that you love them.  Whether it is because it makes them feel better, or they need something to show other people how bad you are, or because they have to have something to be angry about, so that they can vent that pent up anger, it is soul sucking.  So often I see my DIL accusing my son and grandkids of things that I know never happened, It is so hard to bite your tongue and not say anything, because you know that will only escalate things.   I'm also afraid if I respond my DIL will prohibit me from talking to or seeing my family.   


 

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I agree. It is soul sucking.

Is your son and/or grandkids seeing a therapist? Are you?

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

No one is seeing a therapist.  DIL has in the past, until they told her that she needs to work on things.  I think she only goes for validation that everyone else is the problem.

I wish that the grandkids were getting some therapy.  One of her kids from a previous relationship is totally enmeshed, and the DIL definitely sees them as an extension of herself.  I'm concerned that they too will develop BPD.  One of our other grandkids, her stepchild, is the scapegoat in the family.  Whenever anything goes wrong it is their fault. 

[PeteWitsend]

my uBPDw has definitely staged things.

Typically, she'll come up with some vague pretext for needing to do something, like look at my phone for example, then explode over something absurd.

Last time it was "why haven't you texted your mom any pictures of me recently?"

(note: she can no longer look at my phone, which she'll occasionally complain bitterly about).

In all these cases, looking back, I remember her suddenly panicking, upset, and accusatory over nothing.  I have no idea in each case what triggered it, but it was usually something unrelated.  In the phone case she seemed to be upset that I was sitting and watching a basketball game.  Like she needed me to pay attention to her right then and not watch basketball, and decided picking a hysterical fight over text messages was the best way to do that.  THANKS SWEETIE... .such a reasonable and mature way to seek attention... .

[DivDad]

Fire said it correctly, BPD “craves drama and chaos.”  That is an understatement.

I think my uexBPDw coped best when there was chaos.  Chaos that she created for no reason.  They like to watch everyone around them reacting to the chaos.  BPD like to be the center of attention.  That’s hard to do when the rest of the nonBPD family members are sitting around the living room chit chatting and conversing about family, friends and events.   It’s like the BPD is thinking, “This is boring, gotta stir up the pot. Gotta get control of things and create a bit of chaos.” That is, “I’m in control of the situation now and everyone around me is running around like a chicken with their head cut off.”

 You call it a “setup.”  One might also call it creating chaos. I have scores of examples of total chaos. 

The setups you mention are mild compared to what a BPD is capable of doing later on. My uexBPDw was her second marriage.  I later learned in the marriage that my uexBPDw invited her first husband over for dinner one night (after they were estranged), and when he walked in the door, she threw herself down on the floor, called the police and accused the husband of assaulting her. It occurred in a small mid-western town and the entire community knew of the publicized charge. The charges were dropped after the husband recorded a phone conversation where she admitting she staged the whole thing. Life for the BPD went on as usual.  The damage was done.  The husband was a college professor and eventually had to find another job in another city.  After hearing of this “setup”…I always met my uexBPDw in a public place and never got into a situation where we alone.
 
In short, BPD setups are not unusual.

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

It is astonishing how consistent the behavior is among different BPD's. 

"Like she needed me to pay attention to her right then... ." 
"BPD like to be the center of attention."

Yes, I've definitely seen this behavior.  If the family is together and BPD DIL isn't getting 100% attention from my son, she will look for a reason to refocus attention by ordering my son to do something right this minute, or by raging at him.  Once, she even yelled in front of the whole family, "YOU'RE MARRIED TO ME.  STOP TALKING TO THEM!  YOU"RE SUCH AN A**H**E!"  I have seen her at times with a faraway look in her eyes, where you can almost see the wheels turning trying to come up with a reason to be angry. 

[Red5]

I have seen her at times with a faraway look in her eyes, where you can almost see the wheels turning trying to come up with a reason to be angry.

My u/BPDw will sit in her seat in the car, or else here in the living room and endlessly twirl her thumbs, or wrap her finger nails on a hard object, also... .out of the ordinary facial expressions, eye movements... .it’s weird.

She has told me herself that her brain never shuts off, ie’ paranoia.

As far as staging things... .I think staging things may go hand in hand with paranoia in order to “uncover” supposed “plots” she thinks may be’ being “hatched” against her.

Very strange.

Red5

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

She has told me herself that her brain never shuts off, ie’ paranoia.

Yes.  My DIL has told me before, "I can't shut my mind off.  Once I get upset I need someone to calm me down."

[Red5]

Once I get upset I need someone to calm me down."

When my u/BPDw and I were dating... .ten years ago; ideation phase, long before the “other shoe dropped/mask slipped”... .she used to tell me, “you have a calming effect on me, you are a quiet and peaceful man”... .

... .wow,

Before we married, she told me, “I have quite a temper, can you handle me?”

I was absolutely clueless back then, it’s been a long ten years with her.

Red5

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

“you have a calming effect on me, you are a quiet and peaceful man”... .

Unfortunately it seems to me that a persons' ability to calm the BPD down wanes the longer the relationship lasts.  In my DIL's case, I used to be able to calm her down when she went into her rages.  As time passed, and she became more used to me, my ability to calm her down disappeared.   Maybe it's because I have called out her behaviors as inappropriate at times. 

I'm also wondering if BPD's are drawn to "quiet and peaceful" people because they feel like they can control them.  My brother once told me that my DIL views my kindness as weakness.  I think maybe he is right. 

[Red5]

I'm also wondering if BPD's are drawn to "quiet and peaceful" people because they feel like they can control them

In the last maybe... .two years, I have really done a lot of research and personal reflection, and as I studied more about BPD/npd, and then looked at my own u/BPD wife, and our r/s marraige... .I began to look more at, and into her foo, specially the other two BIL’s, and I cross compared u/BPDw’s now deceased H; as far as everything she has told me about him.

You are correct imo, BPD’s court and marry a SO that can be easily controlled, there is doubt in my mind here on the point.

Furthermore, as you wrote, over time the ability to sooth the pw/BPD wanes away.

I look at my other two BIL’s, neither are what I would call enlightened by any means.

Both her other two foo sisters are also BPD imo, I’ve been around them both to understand this.

I read a while back about the waif-hermit-queen-witch analogy as it pertains to foo mum/dad verses siblings.

In my case, both foo sisters display these traits off’ and foo mum is a straight Queen, the father is now deceased... .it’s all very interesting.

Also caretaker types (me), as you wrote, BPD persons are indeed drawn to this personality types, ie’ we want to save the damsel in distress.

But it never works out, especially after the pw/BPD wanes (discard/devalue) in the r/s, and the caretaker no longer is emotionally vested due to ongoing years of mental and verbal abuse.

Once the SO becomes aware of BPD/npd, and begins to understand what is and has been going on, happening, this a game changer in the r/s.

In my case, it has caused u/BPDw to act out even more due to my new found “enlightenment”, as the old tried and true levers of control no longer work.

Crazy... .

Red5

[Enabler]

My W tries to get facts to match her feeling.

Example:

She has a bunch of drinking friends, all local women who like to say "You alright honnnn" and she then tells them how bad her life is and how rotten I am. So, just prior to going out she feels inclined to validate the reason why she's going out, and get some new 'evidence' that Enabler is a bad bad man. So, she will pick a fight over absolutely anything just before she goes out, then, storm out the house all upset. It took me a long time to get wise to this and now she struggles to get a rise out of me.

Similarly she has a friend who's the main ringleader flying monkey. I call her 'Lefty Feminist', anyway, she goes for a bike ride with her most Saturday mornings. There would be occasions when things were nice and calm in the Enabler house, I would have made a nice breakfast and all seemed relatively normal. Then, from absolutely nowhere she would start pushing buttons trying to get a rise out of me, almost by magic her friend would appear just as I would say something like "Please can you stop talking to me like a cow!" >> >> off they trot, Lefty Feminist shaking her head in disbelief as to how 'abusive I am'. This doesn't happen anymore as I get the drill.

Many many many things get staged to get justification for her actions e.g. affair.

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

Once the SO becomes aware of BPD/npd, and begins to understand what is and has been going on, happening, this a game changer in the r/s.

In my case, it has caused u/BPDw to act out even more due to my new found “enlightenment”, as the old tried and true levers of control no longer work.

I suppose the "acting out even more" is the extinction bursts that I've read about.  I wonder if it ever gets better when they figure out that their old methods are no longer working, or do they just find new ways to get what they want? 

I recognized that my DIL had BPD pretty early on in the marriage, even before she confessed that she had been formally diagnosed.  I gave my son the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" so that he would know what he was dealing with and learn to set boundaries, but he didn't believe anything was wrong.  He thought that she was just insecure, and once he proved to her that he loved her everything would be wonderful.  I think setting boundaries early on is very important, but most non's are in denial or are just trying to understand what is going on. 

Many many many things get staged to get justification for her actions

This is the thing that I'm struggling the most with.  If pwBPD just see things differently, and that's what creates the turmoil that's one thing, but for them to go out of their way to create something, and then later admit in many cases that it was a set up, shows an awareness of what they are doing. 

[Cat Familiar]

The psychologist that my husband and I saw for couples counseling and who I saw years later for individual counseling told me that my husband has a personality disorder. I'd been participating here for a while and I mentioned BPD. She said that she doesn't like to discern between the various personality disorders because they can fluidly transition through different ones. What she had seen of my husband, she tended to notice more NPD traits than the BPD ones.

This was interesting to me because it seems he saves his "vulnerable side" for me, showing me the sad puppy eyes, while he puts on his armor in public.

I think if someone is more NPD-ish then they have more ability to actively plot these types of set-ups. If more BPD-ish, then they're more at the mercy of their emotions at the moment.

[Red5]

while he puts on his armor in public.

A little off in the meaning, but Cats words made me think of something... .

As far as my fellow BIL's... .its funny to watch them at the foo "get-together"... .as they seem to feel safety in numbers, and they will actually "backsass" their wives (u/BPDw's two older sisters), .whom are both domineering, and controlling (BPD/npd?)... .it is if they are like little boys, who thank they can act up in public, because mamma won't beat them within an inch of their lives while people are present to watch, .but later... .

Thanksgiving was a year ago now, that was quite a show !

These other two "sister marriages" have lasted over the twenty plus year mark, .

... .absolutely amazing to watch, once you know what to look for... .ha ha ; (

Red5

[XSurvivorX]

I have on several occasions caught my family member with BPD staging things so that they can prove to everyone else how bad the person painted black is... .It's so strange, I have to wonder if others have experienced this.   

OnPinsAndNeedles,

I signed up officially to this board to stop lurking so that I could respond to your post.

In short: Yes, I think I did observe some of this behavior in my (ex) dBPDw. I think though it was possibly for multiple reasons.

The long answer is a little more intricate.  Your cake example for me was spot-on.  Looking back on it now, my (ex) dBPDw seems to have done a few things over the course of our relationship to sabotage, trap, trick or stage situations that she knowingly (or maybe unknowingly?) would cause fights, a rage, or a situation she could capitalize on to show her displeasure. 

In my experience, it wasn't only to verify or validate how "bad" the person painted black was (almost always, that person was me).  My ex seemingly used these staged situations to create opportunities to debase and devalue me.  I think that was part of her overall "plan" in gaining control over me, by evoking these emotional responses laid out in these staged situations.  I will try and elaborate.

Reminiscent of the cake situation, I remember our first Christmas together; when I was a child I loved Lego, and she knew this.  Though, as an adult I did not play with Lego, she knew that I still had all of my childhood Lego's in a big box in the basement.  She decided for Christmas to buy me a Lego set.  I told her that I really liked it (it was like, an adult type Lego for building a city or a town) and that it was a sweet gesture. 

A week went by and seeing it unopened and put up somewhere, she asked me if I was going to play with it.  I said no, I had not intended to open and built it, but keep it.  A minor rage resulted in which she fought with me because "You don't like my gift? I spent ALL this money that I don't have a lot of on this toy for you, and you won't play with it?"  Seeing that this now was being used against me as some evidence of how I did not appreciate or love her, I relented and told her that perhaps if I dug the old Lego out, we could build it together, make our own little town.  She liked the idea.

Fast-forward to the next day, I have retrieved my childhood toys and have actually grown a bit nostalgic and am looking forward to doing this with her, and not being an adult for a little while.  I begin to spread some out on the floor in the spare room when she walks in.  "What are you doing? You're playing with Lego's? How old are you?"  When I responded in the affirmative, and that she had suggested we do this together she began to clearly humor me.  She dug through the box for a second, retrieved a female Lego minifigure and proceeded to mock me.  I won't go into profane detail here, but she insinuated that a young six year old me would use this female minifigure to gratify myself over (sexually) and then urged me to relive my childhood lust, and to show her what a little dirty boy I used to be.  Who even insinuates that? Who thinks that way?

This was something that I had nothing but positive, pleasant memories of - making my own way with my own imagination. When life was uncertain or tough, I escaped to my Lego work and I was in control and I was in charge.  Now, here I was, vulnerable before her with my nostalgia and she uses it to paint me as some deviant... .I was appalled. 

When she saw me getting red in the face (something I seldom do) she latched onto it and just laughed hard at me.  "You're such a child. THIS is why I call you immature and childish; I've told you you're not a REAL man and things like this right here are clearly proof - you're playing with child's toys!"

I felt entirely humiliated by someone that I had allowed to be so close to me, yet always kept me at arm's length.  I ended up throwing all of the Lego into my parents attic.

She would set up other scenarios, this was just one example.  In time I started to see these "setups" in advance, but also like your cake example, there oftentimes was no right answer or right way to get out / avoid it.  It was like being on a bad ride.

I think my pwBPD did this to illicit responses from me, to cause fights in order to have "something" to engage me with as the controlling party.  It was like fighting was a fuel for her, though it wore me out constantly.  I think she saw that, fed off of it, and then used it to keep me subservient to her as a form of emotional abuse. 

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

I think if someone is more NPD-ish then they have more ability to actively plot these types of set-ups. If more BPD-ish, then they're more at the mercy of their emotions at the moment.

 


My dBPD DIL definitely has the NPD traits.  I always chalked it up to her being of the "Queen/Witch" variety of BPD's.  I'm wondering if being a "Queen/Witch" and having NPD are actually the same thing. 


Someone on this site once told me that the BPD/NPD combo is the most dangerous to deal with, for the potential of domestic violence and false accusations to police.