For weeks now, she has initiated the contact

[whiteknight4152]

I messaged her yesterday and let her know i was signing up for our student nutrition association. she was nice in telling me the information i needed to know about the meetings and such. i then messaged her a pic i found on insta i knew she'd like, and said, thanks, thought you'd enjoy this. you've been on my mind. hope you're well." all she said back was, yeah we both follow that account(referring to the picture). So that sucks. I know, I know, i should NOT have done that. i realize that now. her friend told me she's probably fine, she's just stressed a lot right now, just give it time. I also went to see my therapist today. Caught her up to speed on the last week. She's like it seems you really love this woman and you aren't looking to give up yet. I really do love this girl.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

It happens, dont beat yourself up too much. Also, you should probably stop using the friend as an intermediary. Its keeping you engaged, and still in the loop. I think right now, you should focus on you. I understand you want to stay connected with your ex but do you think its best for you atm?

[whiteknight4152]

It happens, dont beat yourself up too much. Also, you should probably stop using the friend as an intermediary. Its keeping you engaged, and still in the loop. I think right now, you should focus on you. I understand you want to stay connected with your ex but do you think its best for you atm?

You’re right. Its not best for me at the moment, I need to be clear and not emotional when we do talk.  Hopefully she still wants to talk things over... .

[CryWolf]

You’re right. Its not best for me at the moment, I need to be clear and not emotional when we do talk.  Hopefully she still wants to talk things over... .

I understand WK. But also, you need to be open to any possibilities. Being hopeful and wishful isnt bad but it can hurt. Ive been there. its best to not expect or hope. Im not saying you shouldnt but it hurts a bit less. She may not be ready on your timeline, or she may. 

[whiteknight4152]

I understand WK. But also, you need to be open to any possibilities. Being hopeful and wishful isnt bad but it can hurt. Ive been there. its best to not expect or hope. Im not saying you shouldnt but it hurts a bit less. She may not be ready on your timeline, or she may. 

I know. I think it just jumped my heart back up after I stated I wanted her, and then she said she wanted to talk...
My timeline?
How is your current relations going with your ex CW?

[CryWolf]

Initial Breakup: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321630.0;all
I suggest if you have time, to look at my first threads and follow. Our stories arent so different. Hopefully my story can somewhat resonate somewhere with yours.   

there are links at the end of each one to additional threads and stories if you want to follow. I was a hot mess. But it took time.

Present day: : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328533.0;all

[whiteknight4152]

Initial Breakup: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321630.0;all
I suggest if you have time, to look at my first threads and follow. Our stories arent so different. Hopefully my story can somewhat resonate somewhere with yours.   

there are links at the end of each one to additional threads and stories if you want to follow. I was a hot mess. But it took time.

Present day: : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328533.0;all

Oh my God the similarities. You posted this 5 days after me and my ex split. It is striking how similar our stories are. Google analytics?  Bout to read the present day thread now! Hope your day is well CW.

-WK

[whiteknight4152]

Rough day. I keep forgetting to take my evening medicine and that leads into my next day in a very melancholy mood. I’m so tired. Between work, school, gym, cooking my meals, I’m exhausted. To add to it, I creeped on her new guys Instagram, and I guess he got a promotion and is moving four hours away from her for a new job. She replied to his post, with a heart eyes emoji Saying I’m so proud of you, babe. He replied, thank you so much that means a lot to me (kissing faces) I know I’m doing it to myself. I thought she wanted to talk to me. What happened to that... .I deleted my social media apps.  I’m just numb. I don’t know what to do anymore.

[whiteknight4152]

Still haven’t heard from her it’s almost been a week since she last texted me. I got upset the other day because I found something that I didn’t want to see. I was snooping the new guys page and saw that he was getting some job promotion and was moving in a few weeks to a location 4 hours away from my exBPD. She commented on it saying I’m so proud of you babe with kissing faces. I talked it over with my friends this weekend. They think I should just do my own thing and if something happens, it happens. My best friend told me just to be don with it. He says that I’m too good and have bent over backwards for this girl and if she does try to come back, all she is doing is playing with me. I have been laying low and haven’t posted on any social media (which I’m usually pretty active on). I don’t know. I know it’s my own doing. I’m my own worst enemy. We are about to begin painting the town for homecoming in the next couple weeks so we are about to see a lot of each other. I still haven’t seen her since I got back from Wyoming. I’m doing everything possible to stay on top of things. I wanted to call her friend yesterday and talk to her about my exBPD because I’ve been missing her. My mind has been playing tricks on me using certain senses to trigger my memories of her. I smelled the scent of her perfume on my clothes this morning, and have been dreaming of her each night. I just want to see her and talk like she wanted... .I guess I should just give up.

[CryWolf]

Block the new guys instagram.

your friends dont want to see you hurt, and they have some truth in their words. You should be doing you. The obsessive thoughts, dreams, all will be there. if you read ALL my threads, you can see I went through it too. Seeing my ex car, dreams, memories, talking to anyone who knew her for some connection. It prolongs it all.

Dont call the best friend. You wont achieve anything, but more pain and hurt. And chances are the best friend will probably be hiding things to not see you hurt anymore. Wash your clothes, get her scent out.

I went mia on posting too. And was less active on everything. It was the lowest point in my life. I bet you feel something of the same caliber. Feel what you feel.

And when she said she wanted to talk, you dont know what it was about... It could have been from I miss you WK, lets get together, to "im with ... .now, and you should respect that" She never told you the context of what she wanted to talk about, and thats when I told you not to get your hopes up WK. Hope can be dangerous. Im not saying she wont come back, or love you again and you can live happily ever after, but you need to look at all the scenarios, possibilities, variables without getting hopes up. Especially when it comes to something so delicate. your heart.

[CryWolf]

How's it going?

[whiteknight4152]

How's it going?

Hey CW, it's going okay... .still haven't seen or heard from my exBPD. I ran into her sister on campus the other day. caught up with her (i mesh really well with her friends and family). I'm staying strong or at least trying to. I went and cleaned up my social media and deleted a bunch of nonsense that i posted a lot out of an emotional state trying to appear like i was "living life" without her. I was just posting because i wanted her to see what i was doing, not because i was passionate about the pictures and things i was sharing. so did that, & changed my profile pictures. I'm less anxious about wanting to initiate contact with her, however, i still want her and to talk to her. I still don't know where she stands. me and her sis also talked about the student nutrition association that we both joined (my exBPD) is the president. so we are both excited to volunteer and help others. hopefully i here from my exBPD soon... .

[whiteknight4152]

 I have a problem of going and checking both her Facebook(somewhat private) and insta(private). I keep noticing her posting has gone from little to none to rapid posting the last few days. I’m trying to keep myself busy to stop from doing this. It’s almost become a bad habit that I need to kick... .but what do I do to replace that? My moods are very random. I’m either happy and and energetic, or melancholy and isolated I messaged her friend yesterday and told her I hadn’t heard from her in a week and a half. She said “aw. I went over to her house today to do her dishes for her” I said, I guess she changed her mind... .good, that’s very kind of you.” She said “ I feel like she really likes “new guy”. But still wants to be alone tbh.”

Idk man... .I’m trying my best to kick this... .to move on. I’m talking to multiple women but after, I’m still emotionally wrecked from my exBPD. I miss her love.

[once removed]

I’m trying to keep myself busy to stop from doing this. It’s almost become a bad habit that I need to kick... .but what do I do to replace that?

a member here once said, its like any bad habit, you just have to stop.

in other words, you have to find your reasons for wanting to stop, and commit to stopping.

i had to use self motivation. i had to look at the fact that checking my exes social media was like sticking my hand on a hot stove. painful for me, and with absolutely nothing to be gained. i had to say to myself that i chose not to do that, to be above it. recovery, getting healthy, often involves tough choices where we pull on that inner strength we werent even aware was there, and lean on it, and rise above. youve stopped the pursuit, no doubt a difficult, and strong first step. let this one be the next.

My moods are very random. I’m either happy and and energetic, or melancholy and isolated I messaged her friend yesterday
... .
I’m talking to multiple women but after, I’m still emotionally wrecked from my exBPD. I miss her love.

and since youve stopped the pursuit, it is likely you are beginning to grieve.

grief is complex, excruciating stuff. it taps into our earliest, most primal wounds. it hollows us out.

a lot of people, in grief, will look for ways to hang on; it actually prolongs the pain, but its soothing in some way, as it makes us feel connected, otherwise why would we do it, right?

and the other thing people will often do is look for ways to escape that grief. a lot of members here turn to romantic attention. in fact, a lot of members came here as a result of it - they were in a vulnerable place, and got swept up. its a powerful temptation. but grief/abandonment depression avoidance really isnt the healthiest approach. you cant short circuit the grieving process. you can sweep it under the rug, but it will still be there, and it can and will return with a vengeance.

lean into the grieving process. let yourself miss her, let yourself cry. make deliberate time and space to do this. work on this with your therapist. maybe see about a mood stabilizer - i took a natural supplement called sam-e, it worked great, within a few days.

im not a big fan of inspirational quotes and cliches, but im a big believer in "the only way out is through". the only way to real healing, resolution, recovery, is to fully grieve.

[whiteknight4152]

It’s been a little over a week since I’ve touched base. I seen her at our first Student nutrition association event. I first saw her going upstairs while she was coming down on he phone I stopped and said hey there and she said hey smiled, and kept on going. So did I. I went to nearly every booth at the event(a health a safety expo) and finally, I arrived at the Sna booth(she’s the president so she was present at that table) I talked to her friend at first and joked around a little bit since we haven’t seen each other in a while. Then I looked at my exBPD and was like knowledge me! Tell me more about Sna. She replied “you seem to know it all. You already know everything.”. Confused on what the hell she was talking about since I haven’t talked to her, I just said okay. And shrugged it off. I asked her who handles the email, the GroupMe, and the social media for our Sna. She said “I do it. I do everything.” So that’s just said, “okay well I hope you guys have a great day.” I then went to a few more booths before leaving. She texted me 20 minutes later, “I have all your things. You can meet me in the parking lot at the science building.” I replied, “Sweet. I actually just commuted down for the expo today; on my way to the city now. We can meet after work Friday or this weekend if you’re available. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help with SNA! Have a great rest of your day!”
She replied, “I’m sorry”.

Next morning, her friend texted me asking if I was okay, I said yeah I talked to k*** yesterday’s she said yeah she told me. I said, what’d she have to say? She said, just that it was uncomfortable. I’m like yeah because since I got home she won’t talk to me other than behind a phone screen.

So I texted her, “yesterday was uncomfortable. Pick a day and let’s talk. I’m free today after 3.”

She replied, “I’m good. You do you. Obviously you found your passions. Congrats. Don’t need me.
I’m busy all day. I’ll drop the things off some place and you can come get them. I’m sure the post office will hold them.“ “You make me angry. Idk how it happened. I feel so threatened around you.“

I replied, “ My passions are ever-changing, I don’t know why you assume my head has been inflated. Well, it pains me that i make you feel that way. I wish it wasn’t so because you hold so much value in my eyes. you feel threatened around me because the only times you’ve been exposed to me in the last two months is behind a keyboard. I’ve always treated you with the upmost kindness, treat me to a adult conversation. If not, whatever.“ she replied, I’ll figure out a place to eat your things to”. I replied, “I understand.”

Her friend then told me, “I jus think shes really over it and wont let herself go back to that place where she was comfortable w you.I know, its jus what she has set in her head. I dont think its gonna change. it's crazy to me that she has so much anger or whatever towards you yet still talks to (the manipulative abusive ex)  and ___. I dont understand that part. I mean dont say anything obviously bc I dont think shes told anybody but me but she went to see him and stuff. and i dont think she told whatever his name is. bc as far as I know, they're still together I think. I jus dont think she wants anybody to be close to  as far as guys go. I think that's why she does the stuff she does. I dont blame you. I would've cut her out of my life awhile ago if she talked to me the way she has you tbh.”


So idk. I think I’m done. I’ve been isolated all weekend and have kept to myself. I’ve been very productive and haven’t been on social media hardly at all. I tried talking to other girls, but just get bored and annoyed, so I’ve just been doing things solo and living in the present. Just feels like I’m detached if that makes sense... like I’m living in another universe or something. I don’t know where to go from here other than just be done. Which hurts more than anything knowing things will probably never work. I can’t beleive she’s going back to the ex who treated her like sh*t, while she’s dating the guy she ghosted me for while I was in another state, and still manipulating me... .

[once removed]

how are you feeling today? have you gotten your belongings back?

[whiteknight4152]

how are you feeling today? have you gotten your belongings back?

still odd... .i have not gotten my belongings back, I will run into her Friday when we meet for our student nutrition meeting. I will not respond to her statements against me the last time we talked. I'm not going to jade. I'm just numb. Not in a bad way necessarily. I just can't seem any sort of solace in anything. I'm trying to get back on my gym schedule since that's one of dearest outlets. I've been kicking a** and taking names in my schoolwork. one of the guys at my work today told me out of the blue, you know man, i don't know how anyone can NOT like you or want to be around you. so that was nice to hear. my discipline in checking her social media has gotten better. I'm not checking but my mind still wanders to her in everything I do. I can't listen to a song without thinking of her. I'm not going to let it turn me inside out; I'm just in a unusual place emotionally right now... .I wish this was all just a dream and i wake up next to her... but it seems this isn't the case.   

[CryWolf]

What youre going through is all a process of grieving buddy. take your time to feel 

[once removed]

I will run into her Friday when we meet for our student nutrition meeting.

howd it go?

[whiteknight4152]

howd it go?

So she gave everybody a rundown of the upcoming events at the meeting. afterwards, i asked her she was gonna stick around so i could go to the ATM to get money to pay my dues. i go back across campus, she wasnt there so i gave the money to another girl. i saw my exBPD when i walked out and told her if she needed me for anything or for sna to just let me know. she said okay. i go to the gym on the other side of campus, and i get a text from her saying are you still here. i said yeah im walking into the gym. she texted back, i need to give you your stuff. i said okay do you have a class or can it wait, and she said that was fine she didnt have class. after working out, i walk through the pouring rain back to her side of campus. i text her and shes like oh i have a class now. i said that's fine, ill just go up to the second floor and do some homework. after about an hour and a half, she texts me, "put your stuff in the back of you truck. Its raining so may wanna get it."

Yesterday, we had an sna event for homecoming week where each association and organization gets to paint a window and it's entered for competition. Right off the bat as soon as i got there, she was being a royal b**** to me. she almost tripped over a bag of paint, i went to reach for it to move it out of her way so she didn't fall, and she ripped it out of my hand and flung it "ITS FINE" i asked her what she wanted me to paint and how she envisions it looking, she's like i don't f***ing care do whatever you want. so i draw my vegetable for the picture, everyone comments on how well it looks. she sees it and is like what the heck why does it look like that wow just whatever leave it guess it will just look shi**y.  so i redo it. then i ask her what she wants on the bottom, and shes like probably just grass and flowers. so i painted it. after nearly completing, she's like what the hell are you doing? i said doing grass and flowers like you said and shes like that's NOT what i meant. so i erased it. then she looks at the vegetable again and was like what is this *pointing at it* i explained it to her, she's like, it's just not right. it's supposed to be the main focus of the painting it needs to be this that taller blah blah blah. so i was like fine, you redo it however you want. she didn't pick fights with anyone except for me. but was putting me on blast in front of everyone. i wasted 6 hours of time i coudl've been doing homework, cooking, going to the store, etc. INstead, i got bullied and embarrased by my ex girlfriend treating me like dogsh**. i went home and just sat in the corner of my room and cried. then last night, she messaged the sna groupme that we had won the contest. she then tagged me in the photo this morning on the sna instagram. i told her friend all of this and she said that she had sent her a snap chat of her without a shirt on crying saying she blacked out and didn't know where her shirt was. said she was having an episode because of me and the (abusive ex) her friend asked what did they do? she's like, well (me) showed up when i know that she doesn't want me there and the abusive ex was supposed to come over but he flaked on her and said he wasn't coming so she had an episode and was about to drive to his house instead. 

I dont know what to do. everyone at my work says to just quit the association until she graduates then rejoin. My friend messaged me and said sorry about yesterday man, i just didn't know what to say. dont quit. if that sh** continues to happen i will be uncomfortable too, and i will make it clear to her (without being rude) that i dont want to be part of a group that tries to force someone to quit because of personal reasons. #me3


I am not a quitter. but i also cant go home after every event after being bullied in sitting in the corner of my room feeling worthless. we have an event tonight and i told my friend i wouldnt be there since im upset and didn't want to make it hell for the other members or harm the organization itself. i care more about others and the association than myself. im just at a loss. I feel defeated.

[once removed]

my advice would be to simply give her a wide berth.

you have your stuff back, right?

theres nothing more to discuss. no more fights to be had.

dont approach her or try to help her. if she starts in on you, ignore it. let it roll off your back. dont react.

if she keeps it up, tell her to shove it, no less, no more.

[CryWolf]

Once Removed brought the heat ^

I’m sorry you had to cry in your room man. 

I’ve been there before too. It sucks. I say keep going to and doing what you love but do your best to ignore her. There will be days where she will be Super nice to you or smile. My personal advice would be don’t acknowledge her unless it’s important.

[flourdust]

This topic has been locked as it has reached the post count limit. Please feel free to start a part 2 thread if you wish to continue. Thanks!