I so wish I hadn’t re-read that birthday card

[Feeling Better]

Hi

Ugh! Where to start... .

I have been a bit “off it” for the past few weeks due to my NC uBPD son’s birthday which was followed about three weeks later by my own birthday. I’d decided to reach out to my son on his birthday. I kept it very brief, wished him a happy birthday and hoped he would have a lovely day. Told him I’d recently finished counselling through which I had gained new perspective and I had come to realise that I hadn’t been the Mum that he had needed. That was it. I didn’t expect a response and I didn’t get one and nonetheless it still deeply hurt. As expected I didn’t get a birthday wish on my birthday either.

I am learning to cope with all of this and I have come a long way since I first came here but now I find myself in more turmoil over my mother. Some of the things that she has said and done over the last few months have had a bad effect on me. She is now my son’s “go to person” and she revels in it. At times I feel like I hate her for what she has done.

I have always been the one to care take her, especially since my dad died and however she treated me I always thought I had done something to make her behave that way. I have learned through counselling and this site that I am not in anyway to blame for the way that she behaves. I realised that I have very poor boundaries around her and I have been trying to rectify that. The thing now is that she seems to be ramping up her passive aggressive behaviour. If she perceives that she has been wronged she reacts with “getting her own back” and “teaching me a lesson”. In the past these strategies had always pulled me “back in line”.

So the thing that has got me today is this:
When she gave me my birthday card she said that she couldn’t find any sentimental ones (that was exactly what I said to her when it was her birthday so I guess it might have upset her to the extent that she needed to get her own back). I wasn’t wearing my glasses so I just glanced over the card with the intention of reading it properly at a later date. Well that was today. She always signs in cards “love as always, Mum”. Always has done, never changed except in this card she just signed it “Mum”. Her passive aggressive way yet again designed to upset me. And it has, very much. I am just glad that I didn’t actually read it on my birthday. But I so wish that I hadn’t gone back to read that card.

Sorry if I’ve rambled on a bit but it has helped me to write all this down

Thanks for being here x 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Feeling Better,


Happy belated birthday! I’m sorry to hear about your son I think that I would feel inadequate too if my parent was coming to the rescue off your son. I think it would make feel like I’m not good enough for my son, I know that this is hard and frustrating, rescuing or casting someone as persecutor is ingrained and predictable and sad too because there’s growth as a person to be able to change how you problem solve with others.

It’s completely understandable that you couldn’t see what was written on the card there’s so much internal dialogue and preoccupation when you have low self esteem, self hate, have anxiety and depression have difficulty to function that it’s very hard to empathize with others. The important thing is that you got her a card and I’m sorry that she couldn’t take the high road and choose to not be passive aggressive hug-2

I would also feel alone between NC uBPD son and mum understand that you’re not traversing through this alone. I’m sorry that they’re putting you through this - it’s not fair to you.

[Turkish]

Sounds like a bit of tit for tat from your mom there, but there is a history, and it must be hurtful that she and your son have that dynamic, shutting you out. 

[Harri]

Hi FeelingBetter.  Your post caught my eye as it is so in line with what we see over on the Parent, Sibling and In-Law board.  As you know (head knowledge), none of her behavior has anything to do with you and who you are.  The thing is, knowing something in your mind is different than knowing it in your heart.  Your mothers behavior is hurtful, childish and cruel. 

Feeling Better wrote:

I have always been the one to care take her, especially since my dad died and however she treated me I always thought I had done something to make her behave that way. I have learned through counselling and this site that I am not in anyway to blame for the way that she behaves. I realised that I have very poor boundaries around her and I have been trying to rectify that. The thing now is that she seems to be ramping up her passive aggressive behaviour. If she perceives that she has been wronged she reacts with “getting her own back” and “teaching me a lesson”. In the past these strategies had always pulled me “back in line”.

She will ramp up her behaviors as you change the way you respond.  Expect that.  She will frantically react in an attempt to get you back to your usual state of taking the blame, falling in line, etc.  This is what happens when you change a life time of behaviors ---> the other person is going to try to get the family system back to 'normal'. 

It is a hurtful, difficult process but stick with it.  I don't know if your mother has BPD but it sounds like she has some of the same behaviors and thought patterns.  Certainly, what we know can be applied to your mom.  Remember everything you know from counseling and what you have learned here about projection, frantic efforts to protect and return the family to stasis and perhaps most of all, pwBPD can't regulate their feelings.  Continue to depersonalize the behaviors as much as possible.  They have nothing to do with you.  Chances are, when your mom is acting like this she is not even seeing you, but rather is seeing her own self.

Nothing will take the hurt away, but you can lessen it and nurture yourself.  Keep sharing and talking about it too.  It hurts but it hurts less when you get a better perspective and share it with people who get it.

[once removed]

im sorry to hear what happened with your son. it hurts to be shut out 

nonetheless, it was a loving gesture, and a loving message, and theres no shame in that. what happened leading up to this? i know you mentioned there is NC, how long, before this, had it been since the two of you had contact?

[Radcliff]

FB, you should be so proud of yourself.  You are doing exactly for your son what your mother would not have done for you.  You are offering him love with no expectations.  That is exactly what an alienated parent is supposed to do, and keep doing it.  Invite connection periodically, but don't pursue.  Even though he is rejecting you, he wants to know you love him.  He may not have responded, but at some level, even if it was not conscious, receiving your card helped him.

The situation with your mom seems like an alienated child situation with two parents, except that instead of the other parent, your mom is playing the role of the "favored parent," while you are the "resisted parent."  I recently read a book on the topic that was recommended by our family therapist titled, Overcoming the Co-Parenting Trap: Essential Parenting Skills When a Child Resists a Parent.  There's a chapter in it giving the plan for how a resisted parent is supposed to behave.  It gave me a good amount of peace of mind to know that there was a path I could follow that would be constructive and likely to help in the long run.  There's also a chapter for the favored parent, but you can work your side of it even if the other person isn't working theirs.

One final thought -- when one parent figure is consistently expressing selfless, unconditional love, and the other is expressing selfish manipulative love, over time, children often figure out what's healthiest and move towards that.

WW

[Feeling Better]

Hi Mutt,

Thank you for your kind words, yes I think my mother sees herself as my son’s rescuer because of course he has been telling her that I am the persecutor. What hurts the most is that I have confided in her in the past and I was actually the one who encouraged the relationship between my son and her thinking that it would be a way of me always knowing that he is ok. But I found out that she was keeping things from me. My eldest daughter is in touch with him so at least I can find out from her that he is ok. I have made excuses for my mother in the past because of her age but I have to say that she knows full well what she is saying and doing. Sometimes I think that she must think that I have a heart of stone, she has no empathy and no compassion for me whatsoever.

[Feeling Better]

Hi Turkish,
 
Yes, I am inclined to agree with you that it does sound like a bit of tit for tat, I thought that initially until I read properly what she had written, or not written to be more precise. I am in my sixties so I’ve had a lot of cards from her but this is the first time she has ever signed just “Mum”. It’s just so deliberate. It was a bit of a shock to me because it came out of the blue, I never thought that she would do that. I’m ok with it now, I have put it away with all the other stuff that she has done to me over the years. I would have blamed myself in the past for her doing that but not anymore, not now that I know better.

It’s quite late here now so I just want to thank everyone else for their responses and to let you know that I will be back to reply after (I hope) a good nights sleep, thank you all x 

[Lollypop]

Hi there FB

You’ve got some fantastic points made by the others and I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of your hurt. I find birthdays and mothers days tough - these are the days, despite learning the hard way, to have no expectations at all. I still feel the bite of not getting a birthday card from son27 even after all these years.

I don’t know what to say about your Mum other than she doesn’t know better. Feeling “favoured”, I used to do this myself actually and I’m not proud of it. Family jealousies, tit for tats - they all call for more emotionally mature approaches just as you’re doing. Once I learnt the Karpman triangle I could see how I bounced around those roles.  Now I refuse to play that game, I can watch others (particularly my sister as she favours one daughter and blacks the other) as they bounce around.

We’re only human and whilst knowing some theory helps us keep some balance we still have those times when we hurt. If I’d received a card, given in this manner, I’d be hurt too. I hope you’ve put it in the bin!

Walk tall FB. You can rise above these family games and choose to ignore it or find a way to further protect yourself. I’m really pleased you’ve got your counsellor to support you.

Hugs

LP

[Merlot]

Hi FB

Happy birthday to you    I hope you had a lovely day, despite the constraints 

If nothing else, you have shown your son that you still love him by the card and content and he will always have that to hold onto.  And yes, the lack of response... .it hurts... much more than we can put into words at times.

Lollypop talks about the Karpman triangle and it's tricky and irrespective of the place in that triangle that your mother holds, I agree that it sounds like she has some traits of her own.  I know that doesn't make it feel better when that key person in your life is supposed to have your back no matter what the circumstances.

I'm dealing with something similar.  My mother is inherently a rescuer and shies away from conflict.  As long as all her key relationships are in tact, she is fine.  In doing so, she often says and does the wrong thing and at times, I wish she would show some backbone but I don't think there is any malice here, just the preservation of the role she has always played.

By way of example, in the aftermath of my DDs rage and cutting me off, my mother stepped in to rescue.  In this role, she told my daughter the following "you're not right and neither is your mother - I think you just have to agree to disagree, put the past behind you and start again".  What I really needed her to do was to step up and support me, rather than make statements that appear to undermine me and give credence to my daughter's rage, espcecially when I am trying to put boundaries around this type of behaviour.

At the same time, I can see it for what it is and am working to let go of my intense frustrations towards my mother as I know she is inherently good with people's best interests at heart.  Her own relationship with my daughter is important - they've always had a good relationship and my DD needs good people around her but it still hurts alot and I have been thinking about working through this issue with a therapist.  It's hard to be NC with your beloved child, and still connected with people who are constantly in contact with them - I can't explain this in terms of how one can move through grief in this capacity.

I'm glad we are here together to talk about it.

Thinking of you Merlot 

[Feeling Better]

Hi Harri

She will ramp up her behaviors as you change the way you respond.  Expect that.  She will frantically react in an attempt to get you back to your usual state of taking the blame, falling in line, etc.  This is what happens when you change a life time of behaviors ---> the other person is going to try to get the family system back to 'normal'. 

It is a hurtful, difficult process but stick with it.  I don't know if your mother has BPD but it sounds like she has some of the same behaviors and thought patterns.  Certainly, what we know can be applied to your mom.  Remember everything you know from counseling and what you have learned here about projection, frantic efforts to protect and return the family to stasis and perhaps most of all, pwBPD can't regulate their feelings.  Continue to depersonalize the behaviors as much as possible.  They have nothing to do with you.  Chances are, when your mom is acting like this she is not even seeing you, but rather is seeing her own self.

Nothing will take the hurt away, but you can lessen it and nurture yourself.  Keep sharing and talking about it too.  It hurts but it hurts less when you get a better perspective and share it with people who get it.

Thank you so much for what you have posted, I did wonder whether she was reacting to the change in dynamics of my relationship with her and yes she can be extremely hurtful, especially when she talks about my behaviour. It does start to make me wonder sometimes if she is right and it is me that has behaviour issues, but at least my H acknowledges her weird behaviour when he witnesses it, so that helps.

I have often said that I don’t think she has BPD mainly because her behaviour is different to that of my son, is it possible do you think that they could both have and exhibit different traits of BPD? The only thing I can remember from when I was a child that might indicate something, (or not) is that she always used to complain about her “nerves”. She would go to the doctors because her “nerves” always brought her out in a skin rash. I suppose at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter whether she has BPD or not, her behaviour is still not right.

What you said about my mother not even seeing me but seeing her own self resonates with me because my counsellor told me that she thought that my mother was seeing me as an extension of herself. I have come a long way in learning to accept “what is... .is” with my son and now it looks like I will be doing the same with her. Thanks again Harri, I really appreciate your reply.

Hi once removed, thank you so much for your reply and your kind words, yes it does hurt to be shut out and it helps me so much to know that I am not alone.

im sorry to hear what happened with your son. it hurts to be shut out 

nonetheless, it was a loving gesture, and a loving message, and theres no shame in that. what happened leading up to this? i know you mentioned there is NC, how long, before this, had it been since the two of you had contact?

It was December 2016 when I emailed him for his bank details so I could send him some money for Christmas that he replied “I don’t want your money thank you. Can you please just leave me alone?” He moved to live in a different country in November that year and has lived there ever since. I have continued to send him emails when it’s his birthday, at Christmas and also New Year. They are all unanswered.

Wentworth, thank you for your very kind words of support.

FB, you should be so proud of yourself.  You are doing exactly for your son what your mother would not have done for you.  You are offering him love with no expectations.  That is exactly what an alienated parent is supposed to do, and keep doing it.  Invite connection periodically, but don't pursue.  Even though he is rejecting you, he wants to know you love him.  He may not have responded, but at some level, even if it was not conscious, receiving your card helped him.

I am so sorry but I find it really hard to believe that even though my son is rejecting me that he wants to know I still love him, I really can’t get my head around that because I worry that every time I contact him he is being triggered by me. He cannot stand to be around me. He struggles to deal with his feelings that rise up when he is here and so he deals with them by using avoidance as his coping mechanism. Living in a different country is the ultimate avoidance. Do you really think that under these circumstances I should continue to try and connect with him? I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

Thank you for letting me know about the book, I will check it out.

One final thought -- when one parent figure is consistently expressing selfless, unconditional love, and the other is expressing selfish manipulative love, over time, children often figure out what's healthiest and move towards that.

WW

Thanks for this, I’m trying to work out whether my mother is expressing selfish manipulative love and I think that she probably is, but whether my son will ever come to see it that way, I have no idea. I think that she validates his truth and while she continues to do that she will always be the one who he turns to.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Radcliff]

I think you're in a "darned if you do, darned if you don't" situation.  If you reach out, perhaps you trigger him.  But if you don't reach out, he can blame you for rejecting him.  You can reach out, be authentic, express the motherly love that you feel, and let him own his own reactions, or you can avoid him in hopes of not upsetting him, with the downside that he may feel rejected by you.  Now that I write that out, perhaps the true path isn't so hard to find.

Somewhere, I'm not sure where, but probably in Bill Eddy's, Don't Alienate the Kids, which is designed for parents divorcing pwBPD, he cited research that said that years later, the rejecting children wished that their rejected parent had worked harder to stay in touch with them.  And some rejecting children whose parents *did* work to stay in touch with them remembered it later helped them with reconnecting.

A key is not using guilt, not placing demands on them, etc.  Just let them know that you love them and are there for them.  Perhaps mention a fond memory or something nice that you experienced that made you think of them.

If you were to send a card or a short note to him periodically, what frequency would feel right to you?  What frequency would be enough to give your love adequate voice?

WW

[Harri]

From Feeling Better: 

I have often said that I don’t think she has BPD mainly because her behaviour is different to that of my son, is it possible do you think that they could both have and exhibit different traits of BPD? The only thing I can remember from when I was a child that might indicate something, (or not) is that she always used to complain about her “nerves”. She would go to the doctors because her “nerves” always brought her out in a skin rash. I suppose at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter whether she has BPD or not, her behaviour is still not right.

It is certainly possible that they are exhibiting different traits of BPD.  I think there are about 256 possible permutations of BPD, plus, some people may have BPD-ish like traits.  As you said though, does a label really matter when dealing with dysfunctional and hurtful behavior?  If you are used to your sons behavior and his characteristics paint your idea of a person with BPD then I can see where you may question things. 

It would be one thing if your mother was a source of support for the both of you rather than clearly taking sides and doing so in what seems to me to be a cruel way.  As you said, what is... .is.  So simple but so hard to accept.  I think the hardest part is letting go of the hope and expectation that our mothers especially will support us and love us the way we want/need.  Accepting that they can't, for whatever reason, is so difficult.  Your mother and her choices are hers and have very little to do with you. 

Being an extension of someone allows that person to project all sorts of nasty stuff on you.  The trick is to separate yourself and let the other person be who they are without affecting you.  We talk a lot about differentiation over on the PSI board.  I can't say that is what is going on here but it may fit.  Regardless, this is very difficult stuff to try to untangle.  I get it though, at least the part with your mom. 

[Feeling Better]

Lollypop, thanks for dropping by and offering your kind words and support 

You are right, my mother doesn’t know any better. I like what you said, I will try and remember that. I keep picking up little nuggets that you and others here have said that I can relate to and they all go towards me having better understanding and gaining more perspective. All these little things are very helpful to me.

You’ve mentioned Karpman triangle here and you also put me onto it in a previous thread of mine, which gave me the jolt to go and revisit it and I’m so glad that I did. Like you I’m doing my best to keep off the triangle and not join in any games. Which reminds me, my counsellor recommended a book by Eric Byrne called Games People Play, I’ve not got it yet but am thinking it might be worth a read.

We’re only human and whilst knowing some theory helps us keep some balance we still have those times when we hurt. If I’d received a card, given in this manner, I’d be hurt too. I hope you’ve put it in the bin!

Thank you so much for the validation Lollypop, it means a lot. I had to laugh at your suggestion to put the card in the bin though! It will get there but I’ve not done it just yet.

Thanks again for the support x 

[Feeling Better]

Merlot, thank you also for your kind reply

Lollypop talks about the Karpman triangle and it's tricky and irrespective of the place in that triangle that your mother holds, I agree that it sounds like she has some traits of her own.  I know that doesn't make it feel better when that key person in your life is supposed to have your back no matter what the circumstances.

How true Merlot. What are you supposed to do when the one person in your life who should be there for you no matter what is unable, or more likely unwilling, to
offer any support, empathy or compassion when it is most needed? It’s bad enough having my son turn his back on me without having to deal with my mother’s behaviour too.

I'm dealing with something similar.  My mother is inherently a rescuer and shies away from conflict.  As long as all her key relationships are in tact, she is fine.  In doing so, she often says and does the wrong thing and at times, I wish she would show some backbone but I don't think there is any malice here, just the preservation of the role she has always played.

By way of example, in the aftermath of my DDs rage and cutting me off, my mother stepped in to rescue.  In this role, she told my daughter the following "you're not right and neither is your mother - I think you just have to agree to disagree, put the past behind you and start again".  What I really needed her to do was to step up and support me, rather than make statements that appear to undermine me and give credence to my daughter's rage, espcecially when I am trying to put boundaries around this type of behaviour.

I can see why your mother said what she did and if she had said it to a “normal” healthy person I’m sure that it would have worked a treat. Yes, we are able to let bygones be bygones, but someone with BPD? Not a cat in hells chance. It’s not your mother’s fault, she probably thought that she was doing the right thing, helping to sort out a “disagreement”. She sounds a bit like my mother in that way, lacking understanding and basically just doesn’t “get it”. It’s like the time last year when my mother told my son that the best Christmas present he could give her would be for him to talk to his mum (me) again. Well at least that’s what she told me!

Her own relationship with my daughter is important - they've always had a good relationship and my DD needs good people around her but it still hurts alot and I have been thinking about working through this issue with a therapist.  It's hard to be NC with your beloved child, and still connected with people who are constantly in contact with them - I can't explain this in terms of how one can move through grief in this capacity.

That is exactly what I thought regarding the relationship between my son and my mother. My son is well travelled and he has always had his home to come back to in between his travels. That was until the time that he told me that he could never stay in our home again and I told him that I understood and suggested to him that he stay with my mother whenever he came back to his home town. I was fine with it, completely fine, thinking that my son would still have family to come home to and that my mother would be there for me, letting me know how my son was doing. How wrong can a person be? I could never in a million years have predicted the current outcome.

Merlot, it is one of the hardest things that a mother will ever have to endure, to know that her child has turned his/her back on her, and to stand by completely helpless knowing that that child has a relationship with other people in her life and not with her. I too do not know how we can reconcile that grief, other than to keep working towards acceptance. It’s something that just cannot be explained. One thing that does help me in someways is believing that my son is happy, I have to believe that because to think that he is not and that he suffering would just be unbearable. You say that you are thinking of working through this issue with a therapist, all I can offer up here is to say that I was so glad that I decided to take that step and seek help through counselling.

We will be strong together and we will survive this x 

[Feeling Better]

Wentworth, I have to agree, I am “darned if I do and darned if I don’t”, but your post has given me plenty to think about.

I have had such conflicting thoughts going around in my head for so long:

He asked me to leave him alone, so I ought to respect his wishes.
But if I leave him alone will he then think I don’t care about him anymore?
So if I do contact him will it wind him up because he’s asked me to leave him alone?
Will it trigger him and make him anxious if I contact him?
He might not even read the message.
He might even just delete it.
Why do I want to reconnect, for my benefit or for his?
What if he did reconnect, do I want to put myself through all that pain again?
Maybe I should just let it go and try and get on with my own life as best I can.

I am not sure if I am too far down the line now to keep on trying to reconnect although I do like what you have written, it does inspire hope. The thing is, my son is 36, he left home at 18 to go to university and since graduating he has travelled and lived in different countries, coming home once or twice a year for very short periods. He is used to not being around his family, so I guess what I am saying is that it’s probably not as big a deal to him to have no contact as it is for me. But now having just written that I cannot ignore the fact that he probably does still want the family ties otherwise I guess he wouldn’t be in touch with my mother. Perhaps I am overthinking things and making it more difficult than it should be. So, to get back to basics, he is my son and I love him and I’m pretty sure that under that cloud of BPD he loves me, in which case the most natural thing would be to want to have a relationship and to try and reconnect. Now this is where a but wants to appear and I’m trying to stifle it. To be able to do this I need to wipe out the buts. (I’m writing this as I am processing it)

Ok, so I need to get positive and to stop worrying about the consequences of contacting him. As you say, “Let him own his own reactions”

Now, as to frequency, that I’m not sure about. I contacted him last month so maybe September/October which will be 2/3 months since then. It seems to be a fine line between contacting too often and not enough but if I was just considering myself without taking into account what might be best for him I would probably say once a month. I know though deep down that once a month would be too much for him at this time.

[ForeverDevoted]

Hi Feeling Better,
I’m sorry to hear about the relationship with your son - I imagine that’s really difficult to deal with 

I think it’s wonderful what you wrote in his card and by saying ‘you acknowledge that you weren’t the Mum he needed you to be’ shows him that you are there for him and willing to better yourself for him - that’s very powerful in my eyes. 

It’s great that your son has someone he can turn to but I hate that your Mum doesn’t tell you things and relishes in the situation.  Thats just mean (especially if it’s intentional).

We can change ourselves but we can’t change others, so deep breaths and keep strong.

I hope you have contact with your son in the not too far future x

[Feeling Better]

It is certainly possible that they are exhibiting different traits of BPD.  I think there are about 256 possible permutations of BPD, plus, some people may have BPD-ish like traits.  As you said though, does a label really matter when dealing with dysfunctional and hurtful behavior?  If you are used to your sons behavior and his characteristics paint your idea of a person with BPD then I can see where you may question things. 

Thanks Harri, what you write does make sense to me, if I am comparing my mother’s behaviour to my son’s and hers is different it is easy for me to assume that she does not have BPD traits. I have read lots of threads about BPD mothers on the PSI board in order to try and work out whether she could be one of them and to be honest I just end up more confused than ever. I can’t say as I ever really noticed her behaviour before, probably because we all just accepted her as she is. We have always agreed though, my H and I, that she does exhibit some weird behaviour at times and it can leave us quite speechless. I think that I would have continued to accept her behaviour as being “just her” had it not been for my son and his problems. It feels as though my life has been turned upside down over the last five years or so.

It would be one thing if your mother was a source of support for the both of you rather than clearly taking sides and doing so in what seems to me to be a cruel way.

Thank you so much, it means a lot to me to know that I am being heard and validated. I feel that she is taking sides too, despite the fact that she has previously told me that she doesn’t want to get involved. I am so glad that I realised that I had to step down from that triangle, although it makes me feel sad to know that I can never confide in my mother ever again. I don’t know why but even when I knew what she was like I still kept confiding in her.

We talk a lot about differentiation over on the PSI board.  I can't say that is what is going on here but it may fit.  Regardless, this is very difficult stuff to try to untangle.  I get it though, at least the part with your mom. 

Would you be able to give me a link about differentiation or is it just something that you talk about on the PSI board?

I am glad that you say that you get it, thank you so much x 

[Feeling Better]

ForeverDevoted, thank you so much for your very kind words and your support 

It’s great that your son has someone he can turn to but I hate that your Mum doesn’t tell you things and relishes in the situation.  Thats just mean (especially if it’s intentional).

Yes, I was really pleased that my son had someone to turn to, even though I knew right from the start that my mother would be validating whatever he told her, but I knew that I couldn’t change that. I was just glad that he had someone. The thing that I wasn’t prepared for though was my mother’s behaviour and her attitude towards me and I still find it unbelievable that a mother would do and say what she does.

You are so right, we can only change ourselves, we cannot change others. Likewise, we are each responsible for our own behaviour

Thanks again for dropping by x