uBPD mom's negativity and criticism is wearing on me

[Pam Letgo]

Hi. I have read Walking on Eggshells and other books and articles.  Based on what I have read I believe my elderly Mom has had BPD since I was a child.  Anyway I have managed OK up to this point  u was able to go to college have a somewhat successful career and raise a wonderful son.   Now I am in the position of seeing my Mom nearly everyday.  Fortunately I do not live with her and can escape from her rants, negativism and criticism. Actually it is not so bad. She functions pretty well and has many wonderful traits. It is just that hearing all this stuff so much is very wearing on me. Thanks for listening. I just need some encouragement.  I am actually pretty good for a human.

[Kwamina]

Hi Pam Letgo

Welcome to BDFamily and I'm glad you feel pretty good for a human

What are the traits and behaviors you see in your mom that lead you to believe she has BPD?

Growing up with a BPD mom can really affect children, great to see though you were able to go to college and have what you describe as a somewhat succesful career and that you also were able to raise a wonderful son

You mention being in the position now that you see your mother nearly every day, why is that?

It is just that hearing all this stuff so much is very wearing on me.

Could you tell us a bit more about this, what kind of stuff are you hearing? Are you talking about the things your mother says to you?

The Board Parrot

[Pam Letgo]

Thank you for your reply.  Her emotional response is extreme.  As a child my sister lost a small amount of money and she screamed and screamed .  Finally we found it.  Lately she selects certain people who ate totally bad. Her sister and dad are totally bad. Her brother and mother totally good .  

I have to see her because everyone else ran. Who wants to be with such an unpleasant difficult person.  We can't all abandon her.  She is not that bad but tips to fortify myself would help me.  I know I can always leave the room. I do that when the negative stuff gets too bad

[Kwamina]

Lately she selects certain people who ate totally bad. Her sister and dad are totally bad. Her brother and mother totally good .

This sounds like the BPD behavior known as splitting. You've been reading up on this disorder so you've probably also read about splitting. When you and your sister were younger, did your mother at times perhaps also split the two of you as 'all-bad' and 'all-good'?

I have to see her because everyone else ran. Who wants to be with such an unpleasant difficult person.  We can't all abandon her.

Do you think your mother feels like people have abandoned her? She is your mother so I understand you care about her, yet I also think the words we use have a certain power. I see that you choose to see her, but do you perhaps also feel pressured to do so and that's why you feel you have to see her? Do you perhaps feel like you need to see her out of fear, obligation and/or guilt?

You mentioned your mother being elderly now, my own uBPD mother also falls into the elderly category which adds a new dimension to the BPD element. Is her age also a reason why you feel like you have to see her so frequently now?

Leaving the room is one of the ways to protect yourself and defend certain boundaries. Do you generally feel comfortable setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with people and in particular with your mother?

[Cat Familiar]

I understand how difficult it is. I was the only one there for my elderly BPD mom with dementia. It became so surreal at times, all I could do was laugh. The stories I can tell... .her stealing a neighbor’s potted tree because she thought it was a couple of feet on her property, and me explaining the situation to the police... .her removing all her clothes on the shuttle to the day center for those with brain disorders and having to calm down the bus driver when he phoned me from the road. Fun times... .

Sorry for the hijack, but the way I was able to deal with all the crazy over the years was to engage my sense of humor and look for different ways of perceiving the situation.

Even as her faculties began to fail, she was still wickedly good at triggering me. It challenged me to change my perspective and take a meta view. She wanted to discharge uncomfortable emotional energy, and I was her only target. So I kept in mind that I was dealing with someone with a mental illness and therefore I didn’t take her remarks so personally.

I made sure to do things that recharged my batteries, spent time with emotionally healthy friends, ate well, got plenty of sleep, because as you know, caretaking can be really physically and emotionally debilitating.

There’s a lot of great resources here. Please keep posting more of your story.

Cat

[Pam Letgo]

Hi,

My Mom is stuck in a topic.  Every morning she needs to vent on the same topic.  Her sister.  The same things about her sister over and over again.  Today she said please go to me (which I was happy to do).  So I went upstairs.  However, I could hear her call her sister.  Not sure what she said but probably some complaint.  (I heard yelling) Her sister hangs up then it is quiet.  In a bit I will go downstairs again and we will probably go out.  She may bring her sister up again.  And say the same things.  The things she says relate to her sisters marriage (she married the wrong person and that husband is controlling her)  Pretty much that is it every day.  My Mom is a middle child.  Her decreased brother and her were very close.  This sister is the youngest and came later.  My Mom had to take care of her sister and do all the chores when she was young.  I think this is where all the problems started.  She can't seem to get pass it.  At this point, since she is 89 we all try to just live with it.  Unfortunately, if her sister were a bit more enlightened and compassionate, she could have handled things a bit better years ago.  Her sister pretty much just ran and abandoned her.  Not that I am blaming her sister.  I am not here to judge just to try to cope.

I am currently creating boundaries,  trying to stay emotionally and physically strong.  This does help.  I welcome suggestions and insight.  Thank you. 

[Cat Familiar]

My mom would repeat the same stories of hurt, pain, sorrow--nearly word for word. It was like she was stuck in those emotions from decades ago, and felt them as fully as she did back then. But then she'd abruptly stop and say that she didn't want to talk about it.

It sounds like your mother is in a similar repetitive loop about her sister. And it's frustrating, not only for you, but for her sister as well. How much of that is dementia and how much is BPD? On a certain level, it doesn't matter because there is no fixing it.

It's good for you to leave and not participate in this. I got to the point where I just listened to the story and didn't get involved--just thought of other things and nodded my head at the appropriate times.

You probably can understand why her sister cut and ran. My mother was quite domineering of her younger sister too and I'm sure she resented the intrusiveness when she was an adult.

[Pam Letgo]

While I knew at some level just to nod when hearing the same stories over and over again, it is so helpful to hear it from someone else.  It gives me encouragement that others have gone through what I am going through and understand. Now as I face another day tomorrow it will be a bit easier to bear.  Thank you.  I will just keep nodding.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Pam Letgo

I am currently creating boundaries,  trying to stay emotionally and physically strong.  This does help.  I welcome suggestions and insight.  Thank you.  

Boundaries are indeed very important when dealing with people in general and even more so when dealing with disordered individuals. We actually have some resources here about boundaries that you might find helpful:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Boundaries - Examples

We also describe several communication techniques on this site that can be very helpful such as validation, S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N. These techniques present a structured way of communicating which can help us better navigate the (potentially) challenging situations with our disordered family-member.

Have you yourself perhaps noticed certain strategies or approaches that seem to work better with your mother than others based on the things you've tried with her?

The Board Parrot

[daughter86]

I too can identify with a mother who does the splitting and when they get stuck on one topic and cannot let it go. I was just saying to someone else how it's such an emotionally taxing thing to deal with. I feel exhausted and empty after I spend time with or speak to my mother. It's got to be hard now that your mom is older and she does need the help but her BPD still affects how you feel when you're around her I'm sure. Good luck to you.

[Pam Letgo]

Thank you. I can't change the BPD person but I can improve my response.  Sometimes I ask her to lower her voice. The loud voice hurts my ears.  She did and in turn I kept my voice low.  Sometimes I ask her to stop because I am driving and I need to focus. Then I explain how congested the roads are. That works sometimes. 
Sometimes I walk away and come back in a half hour and start fresh. 

I try to agree if at all possible .  If it really doesn't matter it is not worth the argument.  I definitely have to pick and choose the battles. 

Sometimes I go with the flow.  The other day she started yelling at me in a restaurant. However someone noticed and smiled at me .  I smiled back because it was so absurd.  My Mom is so tiny and old you just have to smile sometime This is not serious.

The resources are very helpful and I will continue to improve my skills. There is an art to this and it can be learned .   Thank you

[Cat Familiar]

You're finding success with changing how you react to her.   

Her loud voice might be correlated with diminishing hearing and she might be unaware of how loud she can be. She does seem to be cooperative with your requests and you probably are asking in a kind, helpful manner. 

Picking your battles is key to having enough energy to cope with her from day to day. Also I hope that you're taking time to do fun things for yourself to recharge your batteries. Very important for caregivers to take good care of themselves since it's such a demanding role.   

I remember being in a restaurant with my mom and somehow she misheard the wait person and started yelling, "I don't want a potato!" Fortunately for me, I have a devilish sense of humor so all I could do was smile, though I was wanting to laugh out loud, it struck me as so funny.

The person who smiled at you probably has been in your shoes at some point. There's a lot of humor to be shared with people who've been in the trenches and had to deal with similar circumstances. Enjoy the compassion that you'll receive from others--it helps!

Another funny anecdote. I was in a bank with my mom. It was summer, so I was wearing a sleeveless top. As we were sitting in chairs waiting for paperwork to be processed, my mother loudly announces to me, "Your arms look like a man's." It was true that I have a fair amount of muscle definition from working on my ranch, but I'm a slender woman. Her booming voice echoed throughout the building. You could hear a pin drop. I thought it was hilarious. I shared a smile with the bank official.

[Pam Letgo]

Thank you for sharing your stories We are actually pioneers.  Our Moms are part of the first generation to live so long.  Generally when people see an elderly person they are compassionate and understanding.  I need to be more thankful for this compassion and enjoy it.
It is definitely a positive thing .  Also working on not taking everything so seriously will help. Thanks again

[Pam Letgo]

Today a repairman came to the house.
My Mom  introduced me as her caregiver.  The other day I visited friend.  When I told her she said I should have talked on the phone since I am a caregiver and don't have time.   Another time my niece suggested I take a kitten. However my Mom said I have no time.  I don't even have enough time for her.  I actually always let these little comments pass unnoticed but due to my work on this feed I am more aware.  She never ever acknowledges that I am Her bright attractive daughter who instead of doing a million other wonderful things chooses to see her most days.  I am way more than her caregiver. I have an advanced degree and am a very accomplished woman.  Yet she doesn't even give me the title of daughter .  Not surprisingly I was involved in 2 abusive relationships which I am thankfully out of for many years.

When I was about 20 a tailor commented on my lovely figure.  I  will never forget what my Mom said...   She said of course she's only 20.  All woman have lovely figures at 20. 

[Cat Familiar]

How dismissive of you those comments are. You've endured that probably all your life without realizing how unkind her words are. Now you know differently!   

[Pam Letgo]

Dismissive. How interesting that you used that word.  I actually looked it up.  It said not important or worthy .  Actually that does sound like my childhood.  Nothing really horrible just the message that you are not particularly important .  You are nothing special.  I had what I needed but nothing too nice. Oddly enough that characterized my marriage.  My needs didn't matter.  Nothing really horrible like physical abuse just simply I just don't matter that much. 

Oddly enough I am doing pretty well despite all this.    Took a very long time but I live alone and actually am pretty happy.  I developed great faith in God. I learned long ago that He is the only one who can love me perfectly.  Maybe I am missing out on some aspects of life but on the other hand things are a  lot simpler. 

[Cat Familiar]

 I know the feeling. I got used to feeling very unimportant and that it was selfish to have needs. That set me up to be a codependent in a marriage to a pwBPD who I really didn’t even like that much at the outset.

But having gone through that and regained my freedom was a trial by fire and now, though I’m once again married to a BPD husband, this one is nice and the relationship is workable, now I understand how to utilize the tools for better communication with him.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am glad you are in a good place and out of an abusive marriage.  Being okay and happy with living by yourself is good too.  I live alone too and am happy about it but i also isolate too much which is not good.  I find I get lonely but hide!  I am working on it though.

You said: "Nothing really horrible like physical abuse just simply I just don't matter that much."  I am going to gently call you on this.  You may already know this but (!) be careful with this thinking.  Yes, physical abuse is horrible and damaging but I think the worst kind of child abuse is emotional.  What you experienced sounds more like emotional neglect and the consequences of that are huge.  Don't minimize that or feel like it had no effect.  

Emotional neglect is harmful.  I am so sorry you had to experience that.  You are important and you do have value and you are special.  Your parents may not have shown that but that is their failing.  and their loss.

 

[Pam Letgo]

Thank you everyone. This is actually life changing information.  Sometimes you live with something so long you don't even realize anything else exists.

Emotional neglect is a new idea for me but I can certainly identify with it.  Of course I will use the resources to explore this further.  For the moment it is helpful for me to understand I do carry emotional wounds from my past.  Realizing this helps me to be easier on myself.

 It also relieves me of guilt that I don't spend enough time with my mom and any remaining guilt regarding leaving my marriage.

[Harri]

hi again.  I am glad you are going to explore the idea of emotional neglect.  It is important that you come to your own conclusions... .but like you said sometimes you live with something so long... .how would you know?  That is why emotional abuse is so damaging and is very often passed on through the generations. 

Check out this thread and if you can, watch the video DaughterofHera linked. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328764.0  It is an excellent example of what we are talking about here. 

[Pam Letgo]

Dr. Nadine Burke Harris video is extremely important. I am trying to get everyone I know to view it.  Interestingly I scored 1 on ACE and 12 on resilience. 

However I grew up with a constant yelling and conflict in the house.  It was not directly at me but to this day I still feel constantly on alert.  As Dr Nadine describes, constantly ready to fight or run from the bear.  Even when visiting trusted friends, I never relax.  I never let my guard now.  I rarely watch movies.  Nearly all my activities have a purpose.  Not surprisingly I do very well in many ways. However I have a problem with Christmas Day.  I just can't handle it.  I hate it.  I also hate vacations. As long as I am working or doing something productive like working out at the gym or cutting the grass or cleaning the house I am fine,  but don't ask me out to dinner.  I can hardly sit still.  It is a challenge and is stressful.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Pam Letgo,

I can hardly sit still.  It is a challenge and is stressful.

Can you identify the thoughts that go through your mind when you are sitting still?

Why do you think it is so challenging and stressful for you to sit still? You mention being constantly on alert as a result of the yelling and conflict you grep up with. Are there perhaps also other reasons why you have trouble sitting still and relaxing? What do you think would happen if you were to sit still?

[Pam Letgo]

Good questions.  I have always had to fend for myself.  My Mom and Dad were helpful but there were so many other issues going on I always felt I  better just do the right thing and not make trouble.

As an adult I married someone who was eventually diagnosed as bipolar so he could not even take care of himself.  Then I had a significant other who was alcoholic.  No support there.

So fending for myself and my BPD elderly Mom keeps me busy.  No time for relaxing. 

Some concerns relate to the car. I could get lost traveling or get caught in a storm .  I have to drive so I can't relax when out because I have to get myself home .

I have to make the correct decisions.  I have to be vigilant. No relaxing. Recently I bought a car.  I had to do all the research myself

Basically it is just me and my 89 year old BPD mom.  No wonder I don't relax .  Lots to do

[Kwamina]

Considering the way you grew up, it seems like 'keeping busy' might have been a coping mechanism you developed to be able to deal with everything that was going on. The child you were deserves a lot of credit for finding a way to get through all of that. In the long run, the coping mechanisms we developed as a child do not always necessarily serve us that well as adults though.

We've seen many members on here who were raised by a disordered parent and later on in life found themselves in relationships with disordered partners. Not necessarily because they liked all the chaos and drama, but living like that in many ways was all they knew. As a result, the 'energy' and dynamics with their partners felt familiar and in a way safe, it was all they knew and were used to growing up so you could say this was their 'normal'. In your particular case, why do you think it is you ended up in these types of relationships in your adult life?

I have to make the correct decisions.  I have to be vigilant. No relaxing.

Do you perhaps feel like you aren't allowed to make any mistakes? How does the thought of making a mistake make you feel?

I understand being busy and caring for an elderly parent often presents a whole lot of new challenges on top of the BPD, my own uBPD mom is approaching 80. Having said that, do you have any hobbies, things that you like to do? Are there things you do for self-care to at least allow you to re-charge your batteries?

[Pam Letgo]

Thank you Kwamina.  You are correct.  Keeping busy was a good coping mechanism.  I kept busy studying which lead to good grades which I hoped would please my parents.  Yet I still feel I am not good enough in my Moms eye.

As a child I was not involved in organized activity such as a sport or band .  Thus when I went to college I lacked social skills which I still lack today.  This combined with low self esteem and not knowing any better lead to poor choices of partners.

I can isolate, but I fight it. Currently I serve my church which gives a lot of opportunities for interacting with people.  This has been working well.

[Kwamina]

Hi again

Do you feel like you've been able to address your self-esteem issues and found ways to talk back to the inner critic telling you you're not enough?

When I was a child I was barely allowed to leave the house so I can related to this experience of yours.

I can isolate, but I fight it. Currently I serve my church which gives a lot of opportunities for interacting with people.  This has been working well.

I am glad the work you do for your church gives you the chance to interact with people and break your isolation. I want to share this quote from Pete Walker with you which deals with tendencies to isolate: "Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful."

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Pam Letgo]

Hi. I noticed you have workshops to help me address my issues. I think I am at a point where I feel those workshops could help me. 

I am so grateful for this website.  Words cannot express my gratitude. 

[Harri]

hi.  I am late jumping in but I do want to say hello.  we have several wonderful workshops so I am glad you are going to dig in.  Which one appeal to you the most?

[Pam Letgo]

Hi. I did try to check out a workshop but was not too successful.  I can't even remember what others .  I am working from a phone and I  probably am not getting the full benefit that I would with a PC. If I get a chance I will try again with the PC.

Meanwhile I am doing great.  Acknowledging the emotional abuse in my past has been empowering. I am more accepting of myself and just feel more confident than I have ever been in my life.  I actually stand up to my BPD mom but in a confident gentle way. I find things to agree with her on but when she goes too far I push back in a kind but firm way.   

I have been feeling better in relationships with others too.  The skills I use with my Mom are also useful with other people.  I don't fight every battle.  In fact one battle I let go and the situation just resolved itself without me doing much.

Thanks again for all your help. This is a process and I will keep you posted as I move forward

[Cat Familiar]

Meanwhile I am doing great.  Acknowledging the emotional abuse in my past has been empowering. I am more accepting of myself and just feel more confident than I have ever been in my life.  I actually stand up to my BPD mom but in a confident gentle way. I find things to agree with her on but when she goes too far I push back in a kind but firm way.   

I have been feeling better in relationships with others too.  The skills I use with my Mom are also useful with other people.  I don't fight every battle.  In fact one battle I let go and the situation just resolved itself without me doing much.

Excellent!  Good work, Pam Letgo!  Yes, it's so interesting how the skills we learn here carry over to all our interactions with other people.