What to do in this situation?

[Eatdessertfirst]

My nonbiological granddaughter aged 2l has BPD and is in hospital for suicidal ideation.  She is temporarily living with me.  Is it ok to clean her room and do her laundry while she’s in hospital?  I don’t want to “enable” her, but I’m literally sick about what she’s doing to her “space.”

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Eatdessertfirst,

I am sorry your granddaughter is in the hospital, is this the first time this has happened? How long has suicidal ideation been something she's struggling with?

She is currently temporarily living with you. How long has that been so and how did this living situation come about?

Has your daughter perhaps been refusing to clean her room and do her own laundry while she's been living with you? Is this something you've talked about with her?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Eatdessertfirst]

Thanks for the response.  My granddaughter lived with  me from May 2017 till Jan. 9 2018.  Went to live with a friend, then asked to come here for a week’s “vacation.”  She came on July 19, had argument with roommate on 23rd and overdosed on pills on 24th.  When hospital was ready to release her they said she could go to a homeless shelter or come back with me.  She’s been here since then.  On Aug. 22 she went to ER with suicidal ideation and is still there.  She’s been in foster care, group homes, residential placements since she was 15.  She cuts and has been hospitalized for suicide attempts and ideation a number of times.  I expect her to do her laundry, etc. but she won’t.  Just wears the same dirty clothes over and over.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Eatdessertfirst

It is very sad your granddaughter has been struggling with these serious issues for so long now.

I am glad you have been there for her, but I also understand how the situation can be quite frustrating for you.

You've mentioned her suicidal ideation, cutting and that she wears the same dirty clothes over and over again. What does she say about wearing dirty clothes all the time?

Are there also other concerning or difficult behaviors your granddaughter exhibits?

You've been dealing with this for quite some time already, but perhaps you can still benefit from some information we have here about dealing with suicidal ideation in others:
Dealing with suicidal ideation in others

Are your granddaughter's parents still involved in any way?

[Eatdessertfirst]

Thanks again for response.  Will look into link you mentioned on suicide ideation.   My gd21 (granddaughter 21) doesn’t care about clothes.  She has lots.  Had some stored in my basement for winter and she got those out and wears them so she doesn’t smell or look too bad.  When she came she had purple hair, but shaved her head after 1st hospital stay.  She has many physical as well and psychological problems and has been in therapy for years.  She has a high IQ and is well-spoken.  She spends lots of time on her phone on Facebook and playing games and You tube.  She has looked for a new roommate on line, which scares me to death. She can be very charming and endearing.  All trash—food, wrappers, half-chewed paper and plastics, Q-tips, tissues, etc, etc. goes on the floor in her room and in our living area.  She sleeps a lot, but has been better about being up during day and in room at night.  There’s more, but you get the picture.  Although it doesn’t sound like it, I love this kid dearly.  I think she’s beginning to try, but she’s so moody and unpredictable it’s hard to get a hold on what she’s thinking.  Every day she’s got a new idea about what she wants to do next.  Her father is not and never has been in the picture.  Her biological mother has many of the same issues and lives alone in public housing.  Her adoptive mother sees her regularly, and gives good guidance, but is tired of the “drama” and chaos that gd21 brings with her.   

[Kwamina]

Hi Eatdessertfirst

How are things now?

Is your granddaughter still in hospital?

I can see that you care about her, yet totally understand your frustration with some of her behaviors. It's very sad that she suffers from this disorder.

You believe she is beginning to try, that is at least something encouraging about her situation. What evidence do you see of her beginning to try to work on her issues? Do you feel like your granddaughter truly acknowledges and understands her issues?

The Board Parrot

[wendydarling]

Hi Eatdessertfirst

I join Kwamina welcoming you to bpdfamily.  

I also hear you love your granddaughter dearly and you have been her go to these last years. You provide her grounding even though at this turmoilous time it may not feel like it to you, I get that, it's hard.

My 30DD lives with me, she's managing brilliantly following treatment since 2016, not yet back to work - well there's time for that another day.

What helped me is to look past the nightmare of the state of her bedroom, everything I'd expect, my expectations I let go and I focused on how ill and desperate she was, very.

She needed me to listen and validate how she felt, what she was feeling. My starting point was here, it helped her start to help herself, with my loving support and patience.
Empathatic Listening and Active Listening

Other parents may start with other communication techniques - see tools to your right  , eg communicating boundaries and limits, don't react respond with S.E.T.

For me it was about finding my starting point, what do you think may be yours?

For my daughter it was her knowing I was walking with her. She also had suicidal ideation thoughts and the DBT therapist started there, priority. In time she told me she did not want to end her life, all she wanted was the pain to go away and that's what she is managing post treatment with her skills, sitting with uncomfortable feelings when they come and recognising they will pass. Breathe.

I hope that helps you and look forward to hearing how you and your granddaughter are...

WDx