Lesson Learned: Understanding Ex So I Can Detach

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have learned a valuable lesson that has helped me understand my uxBPDw so I can detach from her fully. I don’t want to go into the past and specifics for it would take way too long.  

Just to give the minimum background I just would site her rap sheet.

She ha been arrested 5 times in Illinois and just in the last two months arrested three times in Louisiana. The thirteen charges vary from spousal battery, child abandonment, public intoxication, disorderly conduct, obstructing a police officer, resisting arrest etc. She has 7 counts on three different occasions of indicated by the Department of Child and Family Services.

Now to my point, with my uxBPDw it’s all about her different personalities who don’t know each other. To me explains everything. So here they are:

Angel - the person feels they can only do good, who abide by all the rules who is so kind, joyful, righteous, fun, bubbly who does not tolerate any evil whatsoever.

Innocent Victim - who doesn’t know what kind of trouble the other personalities have gotten themselves into. They use projection as a self defense remedy from what they have been accused of to throw it straight back to accuse other people of doing.

Damsel in Distress - who uses all their charm including crying to have someone help them out of something because they feel helpless and unable to fend for themselves.

Medicator - who’s main function is to obtain and consume any drug or alcohol to escape out of any sorrowful or stressful situation.

Seductress Whore - who craves sex and will attract anyone in order to be sexually satisfied.

Beater - who becomes so enraged to a point that they become physically violent.

The Little Girl who talks with a little girl’s voice and acts like a second grader. This personality comes after the Medicator medicates and while the Seductress Whore and Beater are away.

I have seen and felt the wrath all of these. I have now blocked her from my and my kid’s phones and whenever I talk to her again, if she stays alive to that time, my first question will be who am I talking to. Is that you Angel?

[StayStrongNow]

I have learned a valuable lesson that has helped me understand my uxBPDw so I can detach from her fully. I don’t want to go into the past and specifics for it would take way too long.  

Just to give the minimum background I just would site her rap sheet.

She ha been arrested 5 times in Illinois and just in the last two months arrested three times in Louisiana. The thirteen charges vary from spousal battery, child abandonment, public intoxication, disorderly conduct, obstructing a police officer, resisting arrest etc. She has 7 counts on three different occasions of indicated by the Department of Child and Family Services.

Now to my point, with my uxBPDw it’s all about her different personalities who don’t know each other. To me explains everything. So here they are:

Angel - the person feels they can only do good, who abide by all the rules who is so kind, joyful, righteous, fun, bubbly who does not tolerate any evil whatsoever.

Innocent Victim - who doesn’t know what kind of trouble the other personalities have gotten themselves into. They use projection as a self defense remedy from what they have been accused of to throw it straight back to accuse other people of doing.

Damsel in Distress - who uses all their charm including crying to have someone help them out of something because they feel helpless and unable to fend for themselves.

Medicator - who’s main function is to obtain and consume any drug or alcohol to escape out of any sorrowful or stressful situation.

Seductress Whore - who craves sex and will attract anyone in order to be sexually satisfied.

Beater - who becomes so enraged to a point that they become physically violent.

The Little Girl who talks with a little girl’s voice and acts like a second grader. This personality comes after the Medicator medicates and while the Seductress Whore and Beater are away.

I have seen and felt the wrath all of these. I have now blocked her from my and my kid’s phones and whenever I talk to her again, if she stays alive to that time, my first question will be who am I talking to. Is that you Angel?

[pearlsw]

Hi StayStrongNow,

So to help with your detaching you have cut her off completely? Do you expect to hear from her at some point? Does she come running to you when she gets into trouble? Is there any reason you would not be able to avoid contact?

Sorry, I don't know all your background! (And it might help new members to catch us up just a bit!)

wishing you the best, pearl.

[StayStrongNow]

Ok fair point so I will elaborate with just the last episode of the past several months which typifies about 6 to 7 years of my dealing with my x.

After getting kicked out of several friends homes by way of the police for getting drunk and belligerent she would then take refuge and sleep in her car drinking for days going from parking lot to parking lot.

Her sister also having BPD declares she will save the X and have her live with her, her husband and her kids and see to it the x gets “treatment.”

So the X is driven down to Louisiana by her sister’s husband, on the way down they stop at a motel, from what I understand she still was drinking and starts her seductress move on her sister’s husband, they have sex then the next day continue their trip go to her sister and husbands house to start to get “treatment.”

After a couple days the X gets drunk and tells her sister she was raped by her sister’s husband. Big verbal fight happens and the x is arrested. Then x claims she was raped by the cops and was let go. After her release from jail the x walks back to her sister’s house and drives her car to a shopping mall parking lot where she drinks inside her parked car where she basically sleeps for two days. This is what she did for two months prior to going to Louisiana.

She is discovered passed out and sent to a rehab/ psychiatric facility for several days. She meets a guy who is also in the facility and befriends him. Yes, you have it she would always run to me when her list was depleted. So I had an interview with the person in charge to discharge the x. The x never told me the aforementioned new boyfriend and kept on with her Innocent Victim and Damsel in Distress personalities throughout our conversations.

She was released after about a week, calls up her new freind she met in the “hospital” and they head straight to a bar for drinks.

She then spends the next couple week with this new guy whom she describes as a “nice guy.” Again she gets too drunk for even him and he calls the cops to have her leave his house where this 39 year old lives with his mother. This is the 2nd arrest in 10 days. She goes back with him after jail. Then the new guys X girlfriend comes into the picture, I will name her B. She informs me and the Xs mother the X has been drugged, given alcohol freely and raped for this whole time. By the new guy apparently turn felon. Hence the new guy / felon is arrested for this and has outstanding warrants and allegedly is serving an 15 year sentence(s).

Are you still with me? It gets worse. The X moves into the B, the felon’s X’s house who has a 19 year old unemployed son. While B is at work, B’s son I will name K, starts having sex with the X, 39 years old. B walked in on the X and K so that’s how in know, B told me.

A few weeks pass by and again the X is drunk and so B decides to get the X a motel room. In just a few hour after leaving the X is not answering calls from B. B and her x boyfriend knew what the X would do when she was alone in the hotel. She would be partially dressed and walk around attracting someone for sex. So B decides to check up on the X and finds her passed out a two guys doing her with a third guy fixing up the needles with drugs. Basically the X was allegedly ganged raped and shot up in the arm. The police were called and the X remembered nothing but only learned from B what she saw when she opened the door.

She goes back with B and resumes screwing her son under B’s mother’s roof. Then once again now B says the X has to leave because apparently now the Beater arose, that of course is the X’s other personality who doesn’t know the others emerge. She hits B’s mother, K takes the X to his fathers house, she causes a scene, then K takes her to his brothers house and hits K’s brother the K. Then the X is taken back to B’s house by the wimpy spineless worm K and is arrested again. The x was cited with three tickets. Why didn’t the X get her insane butt thrown in jail? Her victim personality took over.

So again the X goes back to B’s house and in about 4 days leading to today B decided to drive the X to California where her mother is planning on sending her to her 10th in patient re-hab / psychiatric facility and number 4 this year.

During this whole time she constantly denied everything mentioned above. Everything! She never drank, she never had sex willingly, never had sex with K, never hit anyone ever, etc. I would get so upset. Why would someone lie so much. I saw her ability to play Angel, Damsel and Victim for so many years and her lying and being so convincing and charming.  It was like solving a big puzzle all at once. She may not be lying, maybe her other personalities do not know each other. Well I am convinced, this makes all the pieces of the puzzle fit.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a deadly serious brain disease. I take my interpretation very seriously. I don’t think anybody really knows about BPD so I will take what I learned and apply it to what I know explains this insanity to a T.

[StayStrongNow]

I really did not answer your first four questions so here goes.

So to help with your detaching you have cut her off completely?

I try to cut her off but she keeps on trying to contact me using other people’s phone.

Do you expect to hear from her at some point?

Even though I blocked her phone, she calls me from other peoples phones or emails me. She called yesterday from someone else’s phone. She was drunk and of course she denied she was drunk. I promptly hung up.

Does she come running to you when she gets into trouble?

Yes, all the time.

Is there any reason you would not be able to avoid contact?

There is a court order she can FaceTime our children if she passes a breathalyzer test first. She also has the right to see our children through supervised visitation. Hence by court order I need to keep some type of communication open. The court order does mandate email only.

I hope I am not giving the impression I am stoic about this. I have and continue to endure a lot of hurt and sadness similar to all the rest of the NONs who post on the site.

I have been going through this a long time, besides the loss of her, our marriage, our family, we also lost our 4th child to a heart defect and she died at 25 months old. I tried to hold on and keep the family together. I didn’t read about my theory about my uxBPDw, these were the results of my observations of knowing her for 14 years.  At least I don’t ask myself why would she lie about things when there is so much overwhelming evidence against her, I feel confident I now know why. This has helped me with my recovery from all this carnage tremendously.

[once removed]

we also lost our 4th child to a heart defect and she died at 25 months old.

my heart breaks for you, StayStrongNow 

how incredibly difficult to cope with. how long into the relationship did this tragedy happen?

[StayStrongNow]

I met my x wife in the summer of 2004, got engaged in the fall. I married her a year later in 2005. We had our first daughter in July 2006, second daughter in May of 2008, and my son in September of 2009. My youngest daughter was born in February of 2012. Our midwife was away and since we had the last 2 at home we intended on having this baby at home as well. So I helped deliver our daughter. There was no complications but I did notice a more grayish color. On a routine checkup our daughter was recommended to go to thje hospital. She was diagnosed with Tetrology of Fallot with pulmonary atresia. Basically she had no pulmonary heart valve or connection to the heart. There were only many small connections of tubes called collaterals. This occurred in August of 2013. Our baby spent about 4 months in intensive care. The x and I did shifts. Despite some depression and hysterics in the beginning she was prescribed Xanax. During our child’s stay until her death my x was really on top of things fully functional. Several times she made recommendations to the head doctor and the doctor took it.

In March of 2014 our beautiful daughter died. She died right in our arms in our bed. It is something I will never ever forget.

That year marked the beginning of my x turning to prescription and non prescription drugs and alcohol.

On January 26, 2015 she punched me in a fit of rage in front of my children and her mother. Like many times before I tried pivoting out of the way but never ever fought back. I ended up with a cracked rib and an open wound on my neck a police officer noticed. Actually her mother called the cops after telling me she was going to the police them I hit her. Her mother also has BPD. The police showed up listened to all the witnesses including my oldest daughter who told the truth and they hauled my x to jail. The next day she got out and filed for divorce.

It’s been hell on earth to say the least and if I would document everything that happened then to now it would be too long and unbelievable to someone who never knew her.

I am keeping away and just a few minutes ago as she is in her 10th rehab/ psychiatric facility her Damsel personality left a message on my phone in a crying voice said “I have no one else to talk to.”

The last thing I said to her was get busy living or get busy dying but either way I don’t care. I am done.